* * * *
Package delivery went well at the beginning. The Santa magic kicked in, of course, and as we approached Japan, it was as if we were in five hundred places at once. And time drew slower and slower. To an outside observer, I would have appeared as a flash of light, landing on 500 rooftops at once, descending 500 chimneys, delivering 500 packages.
I ate platefuls of cookies and drank glassful after glassful of milk.
The magic made sure no one saw me. Children would often fight to stay awake, but always, well, almost always, they fell asleep just as the sleigh landed on their roof. Now and then, though, the magic would allow a child, always a very rare, special child, to wake up and stumble into the living room or den or family room, or wherever the Christmas tree stood.
And I knew when it would happen.
Dad used to talk about this, about how special this was for him.
I could feel the child standing behind me, watching in awe. All of them were surprised; I didn't look at all like Dad. One child named Amelia said in a small voice, "Santa?"
I turned around and knelt down.
"You're not Santa," she said.
I held my arms out. "Hello, Amilia," I replied. "My name is is Tabitha. Santa is my dad."
"Really?"
I nodded slowly. "Yes. I'm helping him out this year." Then I pulled out her present from the sack and looked at it. I knew she would love it. I handed it to her, let her hold it for a second, then pointed under the tree. "Set it there, and you can open it in the morning."
And she shook the present for a moment, awe in her eyes, before she obediently slid the present into a place of prominence under the tree, the wrapping glinting under the lights of the tree.
"Do you like cookies like Santa does?" she asked me.
"Oh yes, Amelia," I said. "I surely do."
"We left cookies for you," she said. "Snicker doodles. My moms made snicker doodles for you."
"That's very sweet," I said. I held out my hand, and she took it, drawing me to a small plate of cookies standing next to the cookies. Waiting were two cookies, a small glass of milk, nine small carrots, which I knew were for the reindeer, and a note to Santa.
"Dear Santa," the note said. "Thank you so much for coming. It has been a difficult year, and you can't know how much it means for you to visit. With our love, Amelia, Wendy and Jessica." I read the note, and I understood why the year had been so difficult. I shared the cookies with Amelia then knelt back down and pulled her into a hug. "I have presents for your moms, too," I told her. "Let's put them under the tree, and then it's time to tuck you back into bed."
I let her draw me back to the sack then reached in and drew out first a present for Wendy and a second one for Jessica. Amelia put them under the tree for me. Then I led Amelia back to her bed, tucked her in, and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "Sleep now, Amelia," I told her. "You're a very special girl, and I love you very much."
"I love you too, Tabitha," she said. "Thank you for the present."
"You're welcome, honey," I told her. I began creeping out of her room, but she stopped me with a word.
"Santa Tabitha," she said. I turned to face her. "You can have my present back if you can make my mom better."
"Oh honey," I said. "I can't, but don't you worry. Your mom is going to be okay. It's going to be hard for a while, but she's going to get better. You just need to be strong for her."
And then I stepped away, but I didn't leave. I stepped down the hall and poked my nose into the master bedroom. There were two forms cuddled together under the covers. I crept to the side of the bed, knelt down, and kissed Jessica on the forehead, just like I had her daughter. "Jessica," I whispered into her ear. "Stay strong. But you're going to get better. You have many happy years in front of you."
She shifted in her sleep, and I knew she heard me.
Then I crossed to the other side and kissed Wendy as well. "Jessica is going to need you, Wendy, but she'll be okay. You will grow old together."
And then I stepped away, collecting the carrots for the reindeer. I grabbed the sack of presents and ascended back up the fireplace chimney. The reindeer were happy to have the carrots, and then I wrapped my arms around Rudolph's neck and hugged him tightly. "This was a hard one, buddy," I said.
He snorted understanding, and then it was time to go.
To the rest of the world, Christmas Eve is just a few hours. To Santa, it is an eternity. I delivered present after present after present, and every time I descended a chimney, I knew the story of everyone living in the house. In many houses, the stories were happy, and I felt joy. But in far, far too many houses, the stories were not good. It was heartbreaking, but there was so little I could do. I left my presents, and then I moved on.
I worked east to west, starting in Japan, moving with the time zones. The magic let me keep up.
There was snow in North Korea, heat in Indonesia, and in a house in Australia, I had the devil scared out of me by the biggest spider I had ever seen. I swear it waved at me, and I edged around it carefully to leave my packages.
I fell behind well before I finished with Europe and Africa, was still behind for Iceland and Greenland, but I was ahead again as I approached Nova Scotia.
I knew NORAD would be tracking me as I approached the coast, but they were cool about it. More magic, I presumed.
Everything went well until I was halfway across America. In Madison, Wisconsin, my luck turned.
The magic protected me. I knew it did. It had always protected Dad. The rare child saw me, just enough to keep the story alive, but never, ever did an adult see Dad, and I had delivered countless millions of presents with the magic holding up.
But in Madison, everything went wrong.
I was in the house of a little girl named Phoebe and a little boy named Spencer. Phoebe and Spencer lived with their mother, Terri. Terri worked very hard to make ends meet, but still found time to be a great mother, too. I was about to leave my three packages when I heard a woman's voice from behind me.
"Freeze. Police."
Excuse me? And it wasn't a child's voice, either. Nor was it Terri's voice.
I straightened.
"Hands on the top of your head," the woman said. I complied. "Turn around. Slowly."
I turned, and my eyes bugged out. Standing in front of me, barely dressed, but pointing a very large gun at me, was a stunning woman. I crossed my eyes, and the magic helped me out. This was Allison Carpenter, Terri's sister. Allison was on the good list, the very, very good list. But she wasn't supposed to be here. She was supposed to be home, tucked into her own bed.
"Who are you?" she asked. "And how did you get into the house."
I sighed. She shouldn't be able to see me. I should be a flash of light to her, time frozen including her. Only people who believed in me could see me, and then only very, very special people.
"Santa Claus," I said, answering her question. "I came down the chimney."
She raised an eyebrow. "You don't have the normal appearance of the criminally insane," she said.
I started to gesture to my clothes, but she stiffened, and I froze, then looked down slowly.
"Or maybe you do," she said. "What's in the sack?"
"What do you think is in the sack, Allison?"
"How do you know my name?"
"This conversation isn't going to go very far if all we do is ask each other questions. I am Santa. I know things."
"Nice try. I'm the cop with the gun, and you're the burglar who broke into my sister's house. This family doesn't need your shit. Now I am asking again. What's in the sack?"
"Presents, Allison," I said. "You know that. Presents for the kids, and one for Terri as well. She works so hard, and she comes home with tired feet, so the elves made a nice pair of slippers for her. Elf slippers are the best." I paused. "I have one for you, too." I wouldn't have, as I wasn't scheduled to stop by her house. She had no children of her own, after all. But if she was here, then I had a present for
her.
"Turn around," she ordered. "Hands against the fireplace."
I sighed and turned to the fireplace, setting my hands against it. Allison stepped up behind me, hooking my legs to pull them wider and further from the fireplace, forcing me to lean awkwardly. She stepped between my legs and began frisking me thoroughly. She found my supply of sugar cubes in one pocket. She reached in and pulled out several of the cubes.
"Oh ho," she said, "what are these?"
"You mean ho, ho, ho," I said. I glanced backwards at her, but she wasn't smiling. I looked down at her hand. "Sugar cubes," I said. "For the reindeer."
"I rather doubt they are sugar cubes," she said, "but I suspect when we test them, we'll understand where your delusions are from."
She finished frisking me, then she did something with her gun before pulling my hands behind my back. She didn't have her handcuffs with her; she'd been in her bathrobe, after all, but she tied my wrists with the robe from her belt. She pulled me upright.
"My sister and her kids don't need to know there was an intruder," she said. "I'm hauling you downtown."
"Allison," I said, "you don't want to do this. I really am Santa Claus."
"Bullshit," she said. "What you are is delusional."
I sighed, wondering what would happen. After all, I split into multiple bodies to deliver the presents. Would this body go to jail while the others continued to deliver the presents? What would happen?
She dragged me to the front door, leaned me against the wall, and then opened the closet and pulled on a long jacket. She produced car keys and then opened the front door. She tried to push me out the door.
I bounced off the opening.
"What the hell?" she said. "Try that again, and we'll add resisting arrest to the list of charges."
"I'm not resisting a thing," I replied, "but I think you'll find it very difficult to take me out of the house via any entrance but the one I used to arrive."
"Bullshit," she said. She shoved me towards the doorway, and I bounced off again, but she had pushed harder this time, and I made an "ooof" as I bounced off the invisible barrier.
She tried four more times, and I felt like she was banging me into a wall.
"If I have bruises, officer, it will look like police brutality. You're a good cop and don't deserve that."
She closed the door and turned me to face her. "You're not Santa."
I sighed. "I can prove it. Go outside, look on the roof." I was pretty sure she'd see the reindeer. If she could see me, she should see the reindeer.
She eyed me, then she said, "Kneel." She forced me to my knees then pushed me flat onto the floor. "Spread your legs. Do not move."
Then she stepped outside, but kept the door open, watching me. She glanced up at the roof. I watched her, and I could tell she could see the reindeer.
"Holy shit!" she said. She looked from me to the reindeer to me to the reindeer. "What the fuck?"
"Language, Allison," I said.
Her gaze dropped to me and she glared. "You're... you're..."
"Tabitha Claus," I said. "You may have once met my dad."
She stepped back into the house, closing the door. She pulled me to my feet. "I'm dreaming," she said. "This is just a very, very realistic dream."
"That's it exactly," I said. "You are dreaming that you just tried to arrest Santa Claus as she was about to deliver presents to the house. If you untie me, I can finish my delivery and you can go back to sleep."
It was a good try, I thought. She pinched herself. "Ouch!"
I sighed.
"Please untie me, Allison," I said. "I have a lot more presents to deliver."
"I'm hallucinating," she said. "Those sugar cubes. What are they?"
"Sugar cubes," I said. "Go ahead. Pop one in my mouth."
Allison studied my face for a moment then dragged me across the living room and shoved me into a chair. "Sit."
I plopped into the chair, watching her. My heart was pounding, adrenalin pumping through my system. I had no idea what she was going to end up doing, and I had no idea what would happen to the delivery. The presents had to be delivered; there were still a lot of kids whose presents were still in the sack a few feet away from me or in one of the last two sacks on the sleigh.
I know what you're thinking; how could I have carried in a single trip all the presents for all the kids across the world. Well, first, it's not all the kids, of course, but it was still a lot of kids. And the other half of the answer you could figure out: magic. Each sack held a lot, lot more presents than one would expect from looking at it.
I watched her. She was distracting. I hadn't had a proper date in some time; I had hoped to break that streak with Charity. But here was a hot woman dressed in undies, a ratty tee shirt, and a robe that wouldn't stay closed. I'm Santa Claus now. I wasn't supposed to ogle, but I caught myself ogling.
"Do you think you could pull that robe closed a little better?" I asked.
She blushed, which was very cute, but she wrapped the robe more tightly about herself muttering something about a lesbian Santa Claus. Hey, there were reasons I had tried to avoid the family business.
"Allison," I said quietly, "I can prove I'm Santa Claus."
"You said you were his daughter."
"Dad's name is Timothy," I said. "Santa is really a title. A position. And this year, I am Santa."
"Why?"
"He broke his leg."
"Santa broke his leg. You are so full of it!" She paused. "How?"
"He was playing with the reindeer and things got out of hand," I explained. "Those reindeer games can be treacherous if you don't have four hooves firmly on the ice."
She stared at me. "Reindeer games? Seriously? Was Rudolph playing?"
"You know," I said. "I didn't ask. But he's on the roof. We could go ask him."
"Rudolph is on my sister's roof," she said, sounding like she didn't at all believe it.
"Sure," I said. "You saw. Didn't you see the glowing nose?"
"I saw a reindeer with a glowing nose, but he wasn't out in front. There were only eight reindeer, not nine, and the one with the glowing nose was in the front, left position."
"Yes," I said. "That's Rudolph. Vixen is pregnant and couldn't come this year, so Rudolph has her spot. Well, not exactly, because normally Prancer and Vixen are in the second row, but I wanted Rudolph in front, so I moved Dasher and Dancer. I think they were put out a little, but they were good sports about it."
"You are so full of shit!" she yelled. Then she looked chagrined. "I'm going to wake my sister."
"I don't think so," I said. "What I don't understand is how you can see me. You shouldn't be able to."
"Right. Because you're Santa Claus."
"Right," I said. "And adults can't see me."
"What's in the sack," she asked, pointing.
"Presents."
"Presents. Presents you stole from under the tree."
"No. Presents I am delivering."
She stepped over to the sack, opened it, and began removing presents, checking the packages. "Who is Becky?"
I concentrated. "She lives two blocks that way," I said. "She has an older brother."
"You mean you've been stealing from houses all around the neighborhood? What kind of sicko are you?"
"I am not stealing," I said. "I am delivering. Allison, I can prove it."
"How?"
"Untie my hands and I'll meet you on the roof," I told her. I could untie them myself, but I didn't want to startle her.
"Meet me on the roof?"
"You'll need a ladder," I said. "You can't get there the same way I'm going to."
"Full of shit," she said.
"I can prove it, Allison." I smiled. "I just need to drop off the presents for Phoebe, Spencer, Terri and you."
She turned to the sack and went digging through it, pulling out present after present, reading off names as she went. "Lizzy... Gene... Abby... Derek..." She pulled out nearly twenty presents in all. "N
othing for Phoebe or Spencer!"
"Allison," I said, "look at the pile of presents you have pulled out. Look at the sack. Do you really think all those presents came out of that one sack?"
She looked back and forth, then looked at me, then back and forth between the presents and the sack.
"How?"
"Magic," I said. "You don't really think eight flying reindeer can pull presents for every Santa-Claus-believing child on Earth, do you? It takes magic."
"And flying deer?" she asked, an eyebrow arched.
"Okay," I admitted. "That's magic, too. Now, untie my hands. I'll put all those away, and then without even looking, I'll pull out the right presents. Then I'll disappear up the chimney and you can meet me on the roof if you promise not to slip and fall. Or maybe you'll decide to go to bed and forget all about me by morning."
"This should be good," she said, crossing the room and pulling me up out of the chair. She roughly turned me around and untied my hands, then stepped back, and her gun was back in her hands.
I kept my hands where she could see them and moved slowly to the mess she'd made next to the Christmas tree.
"I'm going to put all these back," I said. "Then I'll pull out four packages and you can see the names." She nodded, and carefully I returned all the presents from the sack. I closed the mouth of the sack, then opened it. I reached in and pulled out a present. I didn't even have to look at it. "Spencer," I said. I set it down in front of the tree. Then I pulled out a present for Phoebe and one for Terri. I looked at her. "You weren't supposed to be here. This will take a second." I closed my eyes, thinking about her, thinking about what she most wanted, then I opened my eyes and smiled.
"You're a very sweet woman, Allison," I said. I reached into the sack and pulled out a present for her. It was a book of poetry. I set it down near the tree then picked up the sack and carried it to the fireplace. I set it down and turned to see Allison kneeling next to the tree, looking at the names on each present.
"How?" she asked in a small voice.
"You know how, Allison," I said. "Now, I am going to disappear up the chimney. Please do not overreact. Are you coming up to the roof? I am very worried it is slippery."
The Emergency Claus Page 3