Cranberry Winter

by Ruth P. Watson

  I sat down in the chair beside his large mahogany desk, and peeked over at him putting the finishing touches on the letter he was writing. On his desk, the books were neatly stacked in a row. His desk was classic, built out of mahogany wood like most of the professors at the normal school. There were shelves all around his bedroom wall. It was a small room, one I barely paid any attention to the night I found myself in his arms. Adam had a thirst for learning and so did I. As he finished his writing, I browsed over the books on his desk. Most times when I was home, I never opened a book. Adam was my conscience.

  In the corner beside his bed was a rugged-looking leather suitcase, with a sweater thrown over a portion of the top.

  “Where are you going?” I asked, after noticing the suitcase.

  “You never answered my question, Carrie,” he said, sealing the envelope with paste.

  “I don’t know where Simon is. He wasn’t home when I left, and I didn’t have the time to wait for him.”

  “Did you tell him you were going back to school?” he asked, addressing the envelope, sealing it and laying it down.

  “He knows I am leaving. I told him last night. He probably just forgot about the time.”

  “You should not be walking alone down to the train depot, carrying a bag as heavy as that one. He should have driven you back to school.”

  “I left before he came back home.”

  “Why did you do that? Wouldn’t it been easier to wait for him to take you?”

  “No, because I wanted to stop by to see you.”

  I said it without any hesitation, and immediately, my mind flashed back to the night before I’d left. As I lay in bed thinking about my husband and how disappointing he’d been to me, Simon crawled on top of me. “I’m tired,” I had said to him and coaxed him off of me and turned over, but he was persistent.

  “I just want to make love to you.”

  All I could think about was him riding down the street with Nadine in his car. “I just can’t,” I’d declared. But, Simon would not take no for an answer. He rubbed my back with his fingertips until I turned to face him. Then he kissed me on the neck and as usual, a warm chill traveled throughout my limbs. I released my muscles and gave in to him. Simon started by stroking my body from head to toe with his hands. And after my defenses had begun to dissolve, he glided his long tongue over my face and then from my chest to my thighs, I could feel the moisture pouring out of me. I put the back of my hand on my forehead to wipe the sweat off my face. When he entered me and began to thrust, I almost lost myself. With each rotation of my hips, I had replaced the thoughts of Simon with those of Adam. I had struggled to keep from calling out his name. Perhaps it was my anger that made me do it. I couldn’t get over Simon driving Nadine around town, and the audacity of him lying to me. The thought of Adam making love to me was a whole lot easier to handle, so I moved my hips as if I was feeling the heat from Adam.

  This morning, I had left home before Simon returned. I didn’t want him to take me to school. It sounds strange since nobody in a good mind would choose a train with strangers over that of an automobile. I wanted to see Adam. The trust I had for Simon was diminishing slowly. And seemingly, he was being replaced.

  “I’m glad you came by. I was expecting you.”

  “Expecting me?” I commented as if I was surprised. We both were like magnets and could not stay apart.

  “I figured it was time for you to go back to school and if you hadn’t stopped by, I would have dropped by the boardinghouse for a visit.”

  “I don’t understand why you put up with me.”

  He smiled. “Because you need me.”

  He was right. I did need him. I had thought when Hester moved back to Richmond, I would stop thinking about Adam. But all I seemed to do these days was remember the kind things he had done for me. I was embarrassed by my feelings, and now I was losing control and couldn’t help letting him know just how I felt.

  Adam took my hand and we sat down on his bed. He started running his fingers inside my hand and a chill swept over my body. Adam began to kiss me. It was nice, more special than any before. I opened my mouth and allowed him to put his tongue deep inside. It made me tremble. He carefully lowered me down on the bed. He unlatched the hook on my dress, and pulled down my stockings. It was as if everything was in slow motion. After I was naked and holding my arms over my breasts, he started to undress. He stripped all the way down to his natural skin. He let his large shaft stand out and salute me as if I was in charge. I saw him differently all of a sudden. I forgot about his intelligence and concentrated on the sensations he was creating for me. He stroked my body tenderly with his hands and tongue. I kissed his neck and licked his ears. He smiled. I was without words. He said, “I am the man you want. I am the man you need.” I inhaled and absorbed it all. I was being played a symphony of music. I moaned and even shouted with each movement. His breath was short and sharp. He talked me through it all saying, “I love you.” It was so beautiful. When he decided to enter me, I was begging for him. I was dripping with moisture and slippery as if it had rained. We both were in another place, and we moaned and sang together a harmony of sighs. It was magic. When it was over, I wanted it again. Adam held me in his arms until he was ready again and we started all over.

  I had lost myself. After it was over, the shadow of guilt came over me, fast stealing the memory of the best moment I had experienced with a man. “We shouldn’t have,” I said.

  “We did what comes naturally between a man and a woman.”

  “Adam, it was wrong.”

  Then he started to ask me these stupid questions like, “Did you enjoy it?”

  I answered, “Yes.”

  “You are my soulmate. You don’t love Simon anyway,” he insisted.

  I sat up in the bed. “I thought I did,” I mumbled.

  “You should not feel bad about us. Your husband is doing whatever he wants.”

  “But don’t all men?”

  “Yes, most of the time. But, you are different. You are going to school and you are going to get the education you’ve desired. No man can do whatever he wants to you.”

  The guilt continued to haunt me. I got up, put on my clothes and went into the bathroom down the hall which was shared by everyone. I washed up and stared at myself in the mirror. I saw a girl without a smile, and one who had grown up way too fast, one who was now a floozy. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. Simon had been lying to me too, I thought.

  When I picked up my things to leave, Adam did the same. “I’m going with you,” he said. “I am due a trip to see my family.” I smiled. I didn’t try to stop him from going; I was used to him riding to school with me. We sat shoulder to shoulder on the train, like a married couple. Every time I glanced over at Adam, a smile took over his face. I grinned back even though I was nervous about what I was doing. Simon could be somewhere lurking around, I thought. Even feeling that way, I knew I was too young not to be happy. I had left a note for Simon on the kitchen table. Hopefully, he would not try to come visit me. He was probably with Nadine by now anyhow.

  We made it to Petersburg way before the sun slid beneath the clouds. Adam and I spent the entire afternoon together. He escorted me to the administration building to talk to the sorority lady who had encouraged me with her stories about women and the suffrage we had experienced at the hands of our men who were supposed to love us. Mrs. Middleton said education was the only hope we would ever have to make things right for women and coloreds alike. I liked how she inspired us girls to seek for more. “You are going to make it,” Adam assured me, “I didn’t think I could do it at first, either, but now that I am almost done, I can get on with my life.”

  “What do you mean by getting on with your life? Are you going to leave Virginia?”

  “I’m not sure what I will do yet. But, I heard there are plenty of places to work up north.”

  “I’m sure you can find something around here,” I said, trying to convince him to stay.


  “I might. I might even open up my own business. Ms. Maggie Walker, our community colored banker, said she would give me a loan, if only I knew what I wanted to do.”

  Hearing Adam talk about leaving bothered me. I found myself cringing at the thought. It felt like all the people I knew or who cared about me were leaving or were already gone. Papa had died, and I knew deep inside my heart that he loved me more than his own flesh and blood, even though he was my stepfather. He was the person I felt loved me the most, even though no one could beat Jesus Christ loving me. At least that is what they say; yet Papa came awfully close.

  Adam was the only friend I had aside from Hester in Richmond. I had known from the very first time I was in Mrs. Miller’s classroom. We always sat together and even competed for the best grades in class. Hester was probably the best-looking, but I was certainly the smartest. Simon soon became my best friend and lover. He was the nicest man I knew, before Nadine showed up. Now, all I desired was an education and to be able to come home to a family of love and care. It was an eerie feeling knowing my husband was home from the road, and yet it felt like he was far away. We were growing apart, and with each lie he told, he was shoving me right into Adam’s arms. I was embarrassed by my ways.

  Adam and I sat on the davenport peering across at each other, gazing in each other’s eyes, and not knowing what to say. The attraction was intense. We were surrounded by books. Miriam was also in the parlor, her suspicious dark eyes darting back and forth from my face to Adam’s. She had come downstairs and opened the front door for a visitor. But instead of going back up the stairs to our room, she’d chosen to stay. Now she was sitting in the parlor with us, watching over us like a nanny. She’d grabbed a book from the shelf, and opened it to read. However, it was wide open on her lap upside down, so we knew there was no way she was reading it. Every few minutes, she’d glance up at us like a hawk watches its prey. After a few minutes of pretending to read, she began to talk.

  “Carrie, we have all the same classes this term.”

  “I know,” I said. Most of the girls in the house took the same classes, and studied together. We all had a thirst for teaching, one of the career choices for progressive women. Many of us anticipated being accepted in society as educators for coloreds, which seemed to be our only hope for a break. Nobody wanted to die like Papa had from the sun and the hard work in the fields. His death still brought sadness to me. Just the thoughts of my papa lying in a wooden box made my eyes well up.

  “So, Adam, are you going to school down here now?”

  “No, why do you ask?” he said, realizing more questions were to come. He scratched his head and waited.

  “Well, I see you here visiting Carrie even more than her own husband.”

  I dropped my head. I felt embarrassed by the audacity of Miriam. Even though what she said was true, it was none of her business. I gawked at her and rolled my eyes.

  “Carrie is a good friend. I thought it would be all right to visit her since she doesn’t know many people around. Is that all right?”

  “We all could use a little company from time to time, I suppose.”

  I listened to Miriam quiz Adam as if his visits were something she needed to research. She asked him where he was from, and how many siblings he had. After a while, I cleared my throat to get her attention. She didn’t hear me at first, so I did it again, only louder. She peered over at me.

  “We are all here now, so let’s enjoy this evening. Classes will resume tomorrow and we will not have time for anything other than studying.”

  A smile came across her face. “Adam, I sure wish I had a friend like you,” Miriam said in a coy way.

  “I’m your friend too, Miriam. I’ll drop by to see you, too, from time to time,” Adam assured her.

  Miriam seemed to relax. She sat back in the chair and a permanent grin lingered on her face. It wasn’t long before all three of us were talking about school and how we could not wait to graduate and begin our new journey. I smiled knowing inside the crush Miriam had on Adam. She was lonely, and needed someone too. She had become my closest friend away from home. She was very understanding, and relished the vision she had of marriage. She had once told me, “I’m going to have at least three children. We are going to live near the city, yet far enough away to have a garden and raise pigs.”

  When I walked Adam to the door, I whispered in his ear, “Can you ask your cousin to stop by and check in on Miriam from time to time?”

  Adam shook his head no. “Why? Because you don’t want to share?” He chuckled.

  I didn’t answer him. This was the second time Miriam had questioned us about our friendship, and anything she imagined could have been true. I had to decide what I was going to do. I had no doubts about one thing; I had no intention of sharing Adam with Miriam.

  After Adam left, Miriam and I went upstairs to our room. We talked about everything except Adam and Simon. All of a sudden, we had a million things to catch up on.

  Chapter 13

  Simon never bothered to visit me at school. When I arrived home after being away for several weeks, I had mixed feelings. I missed Simon and his courteous ways, yet Adam was quickly giving me reasons to think about him. I had been thinking about being with him again, and no matter how hard I tried, I could not forget about the day I found myself unclothed in his arms.

  The first thing I did after getting home was to go and get Robert. The house was empty. There were no signs Simon had been there. On my way home, while walking past the club, I had purposely searched for his car, but it was nowhere in sight. It was not at the club, which was always his excuse whenever he was away in the evenings. I was beginning to believe he had another family somewhere on the other side of town.

  Mrs. Hall was sitting in her parlor reading a book, allowing Robert to walk around as if he owned her house. He was coasting himself from chair to chair and then picking up things on the table and throwing them down. I wondered if she ever had to spank his hands.

  Robert saw me and a wide grin spread across his little face, revealing the two teeth he had on the bottom. “Was he good?” I asked Mrs. Hall.

  “He is always a good boy,” she said, gazing at him smiling, and he peeking back at her grinning.

  I waited for Robert to run over to me, but all he did was grin before he sat down and started playing with his wooden blocks.

  “Robert, come here and give Momma a kiss,” I said to him. Robert did not move. I went over to him, grabbed him up off the floor and kissed his plump little cheeks. He struggled for me to put him down and he sat right back down and started playing with the blocks again. It sort of bothered me. I remembered what Adam had said: “He is too young to remember you being gone.”

  “Mrs. Hall, how long has Robert been down here with you?”

  She hesitated. “Would you say, you’ve been gone three weeks?”

  “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “The baby has been down here with us for over two weeks. He ain’t no trouble, though.”

  “Do you have any idea where Simon might be?”

  “Carrie, Simon is back on the road. He said he had a few cities close by he needed to go to and the entire league was excited to finally get a chance to play with the real professionals. I believe he was going to be coming to Petersburg soon as well. He said he would drop in to see you when he came through there.”

  “Mrs. Hall, Simon and I are not the same anymore,” I said, sitting down in the wooden rocking chair across from the davenport.

  “You want something to eat?” she asked and walked off toward the kitchen. Robert threw down his blocks and took off right behind her. He took a few steps, sat down and started to crawl. I walked behind him.

  “I’m not that hungry.”

  “It is time for my husband and Robert to have their meal. We can talk in here.”

  Mr. Hall did the majority of the cooking because Mrs. Hall was not the best cook. It was one of those things Mr. Hall would whisper in your ear whenever she’d offer
to cook. “I’ve got it, Dear; have a seat,” he’d say.

  Mr. Hall was not a big talker, yet he always had a smile on his face. He smiled as we took a seat around the dinner table.

  “Now, I didn’t cook much this evening. I had some beef and vegetables, so I made a stew,” Mr. Hall said.

  “He makes the best stew around,” Mrs. Hall added, taking a pan of cornbread out of the oven. She cut the cornbread into hefty slices, and pulled butter and milk out of the icebox and put them on the table. I got up from the table, washed my hands, and helped her fill the bowls with stew. Mrs. Hall crumbled cornbread up in Robert’s plate and lifted him high on a pillow so he could feed himself. It amazed me how much she was teaching him. He waited until Mr. Hall blessed the food, before he picked up a spoon and attempted to feed himself. I was amazed by his independence.

  “Robert is eating his food like a big boy,” said Mr. Hall, giggling.

  Mrs. Hall smiled. “He mimics Mr. Hall. You would think he was really our own flesh and blood.”

  “You know what they say…you feed ’em long enough, they start to look like you,” Mr. Hall commented.

  “I am so sorry,” I said.

  “What are you sorry about?” Mrs. Hall asked.

  “I leave him with you all the time. Sometimes I don’t even bring food to feed him.”

  “Robert is the joy of our lives. We love him being here,” she said.

  “To be honest, I hate it when you come home. We miss him so much,” Mr. Hall said.

  Robert was filling his mouth with cornbread and meat. He appeared to be happy. He was doing all the things I had wanted to teach him. He was even learning to use a spoon.

  “I like coming down here too.”