Cranberry Winter

by Ruth P. Watson

  “I’m going down to the jail,” I said.

  “You shouldn’t have any trouble seeing him.”

  I walked over to Mr. Hall who was holding Robert. “Give me a hug, little boy,” I said, smiling. Robert grinned and leaned over and kissed me. My heart filled with joy.

  I left the house not knowing what I might find. I had not seen Simon since the day his children had come over for a visit. It was also the day I’d found out the children knew more about me than I did about them.

  It was warmer than usual for a fall day, and as I walked south down Broad Street toward the jail, I could feel the beads of sweat trickling down my face. I usually didn’t perspire much, but along with the heat, my nerves were rattled. I found every reason to turn around and go back home, but I couldn’t. I forged through my nerves and the sun. When I got to the entrance of the jail, I inhaled to gain the courage to go inside a place nobody wanted to be in or visit.

  I sat directly across from Simon. His eyes glistened with joy and a wide smile appeared on his face. I felt very uncomfortable there. It was the place most colored folks feared on a daily basis. It was a boring, unattractive place that was airy and chilly. The walls were cement and a small window no larger than the size of a book appeared to be the only sunlight entering the place.

  “I knew you would come,” he said, wearing a black-and-white-striped jumpsuit.

  “You okay?” I asked him, knowing it was impossible to be okay in a place like that.

  He smiled. “I am now. You are here.”

  “I almost didn’t make it. I don’t like this place.”

  “Nobody likes it,” he said.

  “I know. I am so sorry you are here,” I said, glancing around at the damp walls and drafty room with a musty stench.

  I got right to the point. “Did you kill Herman Camm?”

  “Why do you ask that?” Simon said, with his hands clasped together while he twirled his thumbs in a circular motion.

  Simon had many telltale signs whenever he was upset, nervous or concerned. Twirling his thumbs indicated to me he was still trying to figure things out. I could tell there were things he couldn’t talk about. And now I knew some things were better left unsaid.

  “What are you going to do? Did Ms. Pearl come to see about you?”

  “No, but she sent somebody down here to talk to me. They are trying to get me released soon. Can we talk about us?” he asked, determined to keep things to himself.

  “There’s not much to talk about.”

  “I’ve been in here almost three full months. It may be two months…I forget the time. This is the first time you’ve visited me. Why haven’t you been to see me?”

  “I had a lot of things to work out.”

  “What things?”

  “Your children, Nadine, school, our marriage…a whole lot…”

  Shaking his head, he asked, “Did you come up with a decision of sorts? You are my wife, and you ought to care what happens to me.”

  “I do care. I just didn’t want to come up here without thinking things through.”

  “Did you ever think I might need something while I’m stuck in this filthy place?”

  “I don’t know anything about jail—only the things I’ve heard. Well, I know, but…”

  “How are the children doing?” he interrupted.

  “Robert is fine.”

  “How about the children across the street? Have you seen them?”

  “I don’t know. I’ve been away at school. I still can’t believe your family is across the street. Has Nadine been to visit you?”

  “She came up here a couple of times.”

  “I hope she gave you a good report,” I said facetiously.

  He adjusted himself in the metal chair, and moved in closer. “I am sorry about not telling you about my children.”

  I shook my head. “Knowing they had been living across the street for over a year and I never knew they were your children is unbelievable.”

  “I’m sorry. I plan on getting out of here soon and making it up to you.”

  “The damage is already done. When you sent for me, I was trying to escape all the things that were happening around me. You were my knight, Simon. I was living in a bad place. I really hated myself. I feel I’ve had to deal with some of life’s biggest shocks in such a short time. I’ve had to grow up fast. I didn’t do anything to bring this all on myself. I loved you, Simon. At least, I thought I did.”

  “Carrie, I love you. But I live a different life than what you know.”

  “You have a lot of secrets. I am too young to have to worry so much.”

  “My life is a little complicated right now.”

  “I thought you wanted to be like Pete Hill and the other great colored players.”

  “I still do,” he said with sad eyes.

  “You were friends with my brothers. None of us really knew you.”

  “When you met me, I was playing ball, but I met some people who offered me ways to make some real money.”

  I shook my head. “You know being caught up with white people can get you killed. The ones in the club are not like Mrs. Hall. They are different. How could you do this?”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought I was giving you and your baby a better life.”

  I forced a smile. “My baby…”

  “I can’t live like they do in the country. I need to be able to enjoy things. Think about it. Have you ever had to worry about money since you married me?”

  “Now I worry about everything,” I shot back.

  “Your time is almost up,” the sheriff in the room said.

  “Simon, who pays the bills now?”

  “If you had come to see me, you’d know I have cash in the cigar box under the bed. It is enough money to pay for food, anything, for a few years.”

  “When are you getting out of here?”

  “I only have three more months to serve. But right now, I need you to do something for me.” I listened to him talk, but for some reason, it didn’t feel like my husband. It was like I had been talking to a stranger. He was not the handsome, kind man I knew. He had changed into someone I couldn’t understand.

  “What do you need from me?”

  “Take a hundred dollars out of the box, and give it to Nadine. Listen up, this is for the children.”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “I need you, Carrie. You are a strong, good person. I can tell you are going to try to leave me.”

  “You will be all right, Simon,” I commented as the tears welled up in my eyes.

  “Tell Ms. Hall, I could use some of that cornbread and cake she brought up here,” he said, grinning as if he didn’t have a care in the world.

  “I will tell her. But you never answered my question. Did you do it?”

  “Carrie, I will tell you everything when I am out of here.”

  I inhaled. “Simon, I won’t be waiting for you when you get out.”

  “Now, don’t go acting crazy. I am the Simon you used to know. Things are just too complicated right now. They will get better.”

  “I agree with you; it is too confusing. I just can’t deal with it,” I said, standing up.

  “Carrie, come back to see me.”

  “Maybe I will. I really don’t know,” I commented, feeling disappointed and scared for him.

  His facial expression changed, as if a storm cloud had passed over us. I could see the veins jumping in his neck. Then he sang out, “I loved you, Girl. You ain’t gonna be happy with that soft country boy.”

  “I’m by myself, Simon. The way you left me.”

  I watched him swallow, and gain control. “I’m sorry, Carrie.”

  “I’ll be okay, Simon,” I mumbled, “I just want you to take care of yourself.” I struggled to fight back tears.

  “I’m all right, I told you.” He raised his voice. The sheriff came over and pulled him by the arm to leave. He pulled away. “Get yo’ hands off me.” He stood straight up.

&n
bsp; He blew me a kiss when I got up to leave. I forced a grin. I could tell he was not afraid. He had sold his soul to the white man. He knew he would take care of him.

  Chapter 28

  I had no trouble getting a divorce from Simon. I went straight to the courthouse on Broad Street and filled out the papers. Once I told the white lady working there that my husband was in jail, she quickly took a seat beside me and assisted me in filling out the papers. “Now don’t say I told you this, but no woman needs a man who is always getting himself in trouble. Don’t take this the wrong way, but you colored girls ought to stand up for yourselves. I’m going to make sure these papers are filed today.”

  I had sleepless nights after visiting Simon. I wondered if leaving him was truly the answer to our problems, or should I have regurgitated our wedding vows once more, and let them stick close to my heart. I had vowed to stay through good and bad times. I couldn’t do it. I was too young to be miserable any longer. Ever since I was fifteen years old, I’d had to deal with something. First, my papa died, and then Mr. Camm came, then Robert, and now Simon. It was time I did some things to help me find my way. I cried at the first sight of the divorce decree, and then I smiled. Now, I was free to make my own choices.

  The divorce papers were kept in my pocketbook. For some reason, I needed the security of knowing they were close by. I had just read through the document thoroughly when someone knocked on the door. Hester had been my last caller, and she only stayed an hour. Now, who could this be?

  When I opened the door, Nadine was there. “What do you want?” I asked.

  “Can I come in?”

  I couldn’t let her in. “No, you can’t come in. Go home, Nadine, and leave me alone.”

  “Please let me in, Carrie. I really need to talk to you,” she begged.

  I was about to shut the door in her face when all of a sudden, something told me to let her in. I opened the door and she came in. It was the first time she’d been in the apartment that she wasn’t looking around for Simon.

  “Can I sit down, please?”

  I took a deep breath, paused, and said, “Yes.”

  Nadine pulled out a seat at my kitchen table. I sat down too.

  “Why are you over here, Nadine?” I asked, studying her from top to bottom.

  “I wanted to tell you the truth.”

  I turned up my lips, and rolled my eyes. There was no way she wanted to tell the truth. It was the money she wanted, and I already knew it.

  Before I could say anything, she started, “The children and I have been having a hard time since their father was put in jail. He used to take care of them.”

  “Is it the truth you came over here to tell?” I asked, knowing she was not being transparent.

  “I wanted you to know we didn’t mean you no harm.”

  “You really need to tell me why you are here. I don’t have time to play around with you. I have someplace to go,” I said, after glancing at the clock on the wall.

  “I went to see Simon today and he said you were going to bring some money over for the kids.”

  Before she could finish, I asked her, “Do you make a habit of visiting other women’s husbands in jail?”

  “Me and Simon been friends since we were children. He is my best friend.”

  “Nadine, tell the truth. You and Simon have been doing things behind my back for a long time.”

  She looked away to gather her thoughts. “I had a man who used to live with me. He was good to me.”

  “Nadine, you need to leave. I’m not going to sit here and listen to any more lies. You can go back across the street,” I said, and got up from the table. She reached over and grabbed my arm. “Please let me explain.”

  I pulled my arm away from her and sat back down. I wanted to hear the truth explained in detail.

  “We have had an on-and-off relationship for eight years. He was my first love. He has been real good to us. He bought the house we live in and he gave me money for food each month. When he met you, we stopped being together like that. We just talked about the children.”

  I peered at her across the table. “I don’t believe you.”

  “I’m telling the truth,” she said, massaging her fingers through her thick, coarse hair.

  “You and Simon have been together. I caught you in my house.” With the release of the word “house,” I started to get angry.

  “I was only with him twice since you’ve been here.”

  “You don’t care about anything, do you? We are married.” I didn’t dare let her in on my truth—that I was no longer married to him.

  “I just didn’t want him to leave me and the children,” she said, pleading.

  “Are they really his children, Nadine? Do you even know? I suspect your daughter is his, but the little boy looks nothing like him.”

  “Simon is good. He accepts him just like he does your Robert.”

  When she said “Robert,” I jumped up and moved in on her. She put her hands over her face. “Please don’t hit me.”

  “Did Simon tell you all my business?”

  “All he said was that he was going to take care of Robert just as he had done for little Simon.”

  “So, he knows Simon is not his child?”

  “I told him the truth one day. I wanted him to be Simon’s; that is why I named my son after him. My daughter is his.”

  “You are a low-down liar. You don’t care, do you?” Nadine didn’t move, but kept looking at me with fear in her eyes.

  Nadine became fidgety and tears spilled down her face. “I’m sorry. I just wanted him for me and the children. He takes care of us. My son’s father doesn’t even come around.”

  “What is the real reason you stopped by?”

  “Simon said you had some money over here for me and the kids. We don’t have any food in the house. Can you help us?”

  The devil in me wanted to send her home without anything, but I could never mistreat the children. “You stay here,” I said and went into my bedroom, pulled out the box and took some cash out to give her. I gave her a little more than Simon said to give, since I had found a chest full of money in the back of the closet. And, I didn’t want her making a habit of coming to me for money.

  “Thank you for helping me and my children. I am so sorry for all I’ve done to you.”

  “Why did you sleep with my husband? You knew he was married to me,” I said, and waited.

  “I wanted him for me. He is the only man I’ve ever loved. He will always be the man I love, but he belongs to you now.”

  I opened the door. “Go get your children some food.”

  She faked a smile. “Can they visit Robert from time to time?”

  “Maybe…”

  I shut the door.

  Chapter 29

  The musty stench of the jail lingered in my nostrils long after I had inhaled the freshness of the air outdoors. The dankness remained after I had turned the corner and left the place that Simon now called home. Simon seemed good despite being in jail. He appeared healthy and seemed to have put on a few additional pounds of muscle. I told him about the money I had found in the closet. All he said was, “Use it if you have to; just save me a little for when I get out of this place.” He thought he would be released soon, but Ms. Pearl had confirmed he would be released in late winter or early spring; she said it had taken longer than usual to get him out.

  “Are you worried about getting out of this place?” I asked him, looking around at the mundane green paint on the walls and watching the cockroach creep around on the ceiling. He didn’t seem to mind.

  “Don’t nobody stay in the can for killing a deadbeat like Camm. I will be out in by the spring,” he confirmed.

  I asked him what he needed and informed him I would be moving out when he was released.

  “I expected you to get a divorce, and eventually leave me. I want you to know I really did love you.”

  I frowned. “Believe it or not, Nadine is expecting y’all to get back tog
ether. She told me all about y’all.”

  He ignored my comment. “Carrie, I will do anything to help you. Take some of my money with you to school. Buy yourself some clothes, whatever you need.”

  “I don’t want anything, Simon.”

  “Isn’t there something you want to tell me?” he asked.

  “What are you talking about? Whatever Nadine has told you about me is a lie. She knows way too much about me anyway.”

  “Why you didn’t tell me about the divorce?”

  I was shocked he knew, since I had not told anyone. I had planned on telling him once he was out of jail and free from all of the craziness.

  I paused. “How did you find out?”

  “The clerk sent word to me. Didn’t you think I needed to know?”

  “I was going to tell you, Simon, I really was. I just didn’t want to upset you while you were in here.”

  “I know you, Carrie. You are too nice and you care too much about people. I couldn’t tell you about all the things I did. You wouldn’t have understood. I function in a different world than you do. My friends are not good people. But I will always be here for you.” And then he gazed directly into my eyes. “You are still as innocent as the first day I met you on the farm in Jefferson County. I never wanted you to wait for me, but I wish you would have told me about the divorce. That bothers me, Carrie,” he said solemnly, as if I had broken his heart.

  “I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want to leave you after all we’ve been through. I’m going to move out of the apartment as soon as I can,” I said, before he could go on.

  “You stay there with Robert. I can’t do anything with it from here; plus I told you I will always take care of you. There is plenty of money for the two of you.”

  I became agitated. “Simon, how many women do you take care of? Nadine says you pay her bills too. She is one of the reasons I divorced you.”

  He shook his head. “She is my children’s mother and I am never going to turn my back on my children.”

  “Well, that is why we can’t be together. I find it difficult to share.”

  I got up to leave.