by Li Rui
I said, Second Dog, we didn’t see anything!
Second Dog said, I saw it, I saw a rope above his head. If we knew he wasn’t going to chase us, we could have taken a couple more handfuls of beans. I saw a rope above his head.
I said, You’re talking about it again. If you say any more, I’ll beat the fucking daylights out of you. Why can’t you remember that?
Second Dog looked at me without saying a thing.
Another flock of sparrows alighted beside us and hopped around. Didn’t know if it was the same flock as the one by the stable. The whole village was silent; columns of smoke rose from the cave chimneys and floated away. Didn’t know whose rooster was crowing far away, so muffled, on the other side of the courtyard wall, like deep underground, with someone’s hands around its neck. Dad shouted, taking the oxen out on the slopes. The cowbells were heard ringing slowly, far away; the yellow backs of the oxen shone under the sun. It was like a dream.
Second Dog said that there was a rope above Uncle Gimpy’s head. Why did he tie a rope around his head?
Columns of smoke floated upward and away. The house sparrows flew by and flew away. The village was quiet. For some reason, she was crying far away, Wa-wa-wa. It was like in a dream.
Second Dog wiped his nose on his sleeve again and said, Brother, we didn’t see anything. Where are we going now?
I said, Home.
23
Oh, did I scare those two kids? I was trying so hard not to scare anyone, and then I went and frightened those two kids. Look at them run—they look like a couple of rabbits. Second Dog was crying—what were you crying about? Did you think Uncle Gimpy was going to beat you over a few beans? Scold you? Big Dog is cleverer, but he thinks I don’t know that he always comes here to eat beans. How could I not know? Uncle Gimpy has known since the very first time you came. Nobody can fool me about coming here—I can smell who’s been here. That’s the only amusing thing about this poor place. Why should Uncle Gimpy care about a couple handfuls of beans? Tell me, why would he begrudge you? He fed the animals, why not you? I was trying so hard not to scare anyone and then I frightened those two kids. Dang. I can’t open my mouth and say anything. You wouldn’t hear … anyway.
After eating breakfast, they came to take them away. I said good-bye to Heini, then Laoni, then Dahei, and finally to Erhei. I rubbed his head and said, Erhei, we’ll meet in the netherworld. After I’m gone, you have to do as you’re told, you have to do whatever the person who comes to feed you tells you. No one will love you as much as I do. If you don’t do as you’re told, they’ll beat you. That would make me sad, wouldn’t it? Tell me, have I ever raised a hand against you? Would I do that? Listen to me, in the future work is work, just the same as when I was here. Be good, no tricks; you have to behave whether or not anyone is watching. In the future, don’t always be provoking Dahei—later, who’s going be around to protect you when I’m not here? Erhei blinked his eyes but said nothing. He had no idea where I was going. I untied the rope from around Erhei’s neck and said, Erhei, I’ve loved you, and now that I’m going, I’d like to use your rope, is that okay? Erhei blinked his eyes but said nothing. I untied and removed his old rope and replaced it with a new one, along with new blinders. I said, Erhei, before I leave, I’m giving you a new set of blinders; this’ll be the last time. In a while, when you return, I won’t be here. You won’t see me; I won’t be here, that’s it. Don’t cry for me and don’t think about me. Everyone under Heaven must die. You must die. I must die. When the living reach the end of the line, they up and die. I just hope that in the next life, I can grow two more legs and stand with you, eat and drink with you, be loved by someone. That would be great, wouldn’t it? When that day comes, I’ll be able to spend every day chatting with you. We can work together, eat together, and sleep together. How wonderful. Erhei flicked his ears; he understood. I laughed; after all, he’s my Erhei. He knows whatever I’m thinking. Hey, hey, he’s my Erhei. My love for you has not been in vain.
Okay, Dahei left, Heini left, Laoni left, and Erhei left. They all left, gone. I was the only one left here, left here with the rope from Erhei. I took the old one because it was soft and pliant. I didn’t want to scare them. I was leaving, going away on my own. I didn’t want to frighten anyone. Erhei still hasn’t told me, is a soul left after we die? Yes or no? Erhei hasn’t told me. Maybe he was guessing; maybe he didn’t want me to go. Erhei, Erhei, you have no idea that when a person doesn’t want to go on living, even spending every day as the emperor, riding in a sedan chair, wearing an emperor’s robes, and eating skillet cakes and oil, all become torture. It’s pointless. But if a person wants to go on living, regardless of how much suffering and hardship, then, even if he’s a horse or an ox, it’s still a blessing, and he’ll be willing. But I didn’t really want to go on living; even if you made me emperor, I wouldn’t be willing. I want to see how they’ll purify class ranks without me, how they’ll rectify things. I want to see what’ll happen to that team and classes. Where’ll they be? Anything left to feed the dogs? Or will they put it in a jar and pickle it? I’ve lived a long time and I’ve seen teams, and they were the people who carried guns and killed others. What is this class thing? Is it round or square? I’m sure Erhei has no idea either. Chairman Mao is, after all, Chairman Mao, that’s why he can think up things like class, but we the people can’t; otherwise he wouldn’t be in charge of the world. Forget it. Who cares any longer? This rope is soft and pliant and it still has Erhei’s smell. Soft and pliant, it would do. It still has Erhei’s smell. When I get there and see the king of the underworld, he’ll say, Okay, you even brought the rope and all. As a favor, we’ll reincarnate you as a donkey. My love has not been wasted on Erhei, even the rope is his. Soft and pliant, it’ll work fine, won’t it? Where could I find a better rope? Except Erhei who left it to me, who else knows me? Everything is ready. Here’s my stool, all wiped off. Here’s the rope, soft and pliant, and it still has Erhei’s smell. Where could I find such a good rope? Oh, I am going, going. The fodder is already mixed for them, the beans are cooked, and the cistern is full of water. Everything is ready for them when they get back from work. Okay, nothing else to worry about, I am going, going. It’s a pity I can’t drink the wine Nuanyu gives me and see my Erhei anymore. Okay, nothing else to worry about. I am going, going. Get up on the kang, the stool is in place, the rope hung. This is the best place. I spent days lying on the kang thinking about it and decided this was the best place. The height is just right and no one can see it. I’m going, going. Facing inward, back to the door, I really don’t want them to see my face, I don’t want to scare them, I don’t want to scare anyone. I’m leaving, going my own way. What’s the point of scaring other people? The rope is hung, tied with a slipknot. How many years have I been leading them around on the end of a rope; today I’m at the end of the rope. I’ll handle it smoothly and well. I’ve lived a long time and it’ll be over soon. Here, put the rope over my head, get up on the stool … clunk … can’t move … can’t get loose … oh, it’s so dark … I really scared those two kids. Dang. Why are you running away? I can’t open my mouth. I can’t say anything. That means you wouldn’t hear it.
24
When I arrived, the courtyard was already full of people. Everyone in the village was there, except for the men who’d gone out into the valley to repair the embankment. Young and old, male and female, they were all crowded outside the stable window. No meeting in the village was ever so crowded. Don’t know who opened the window, but through it you could see his profile, a hemp rope up behind his ear, hanging from a beam, like some dirty clothes hanging there. The kids were all staring wide-eyed; the eyes of the women were all red; Nuanyu was leaning against the windowsill, shouting, Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, what have you done? That woman! She doesn’t have the least bit of damned class consciousness! Who was he? What time is this? You’re a poor peasant. What are you crying for?
I pushed my way through the crowd and said, What are you all looki
ng at? Why don’t you hurry up and take him down? Hurry up!
No one dared move.
I grabbed the axe from the woodpile and said, Move aside. Who’s afraid of a dead man? I’ve seen plenty of dead people!
I carried the axe inside and stood on the kang, face to face with him. I never looked so close at him before; in the past I always had to look down on him. Now he was hanging from a beam, a head taller than before. People say that the tongue of a person who hangs himself will stick out. Not his. There was no life left in his face, whiter than in the past. I said, Cao Yongfu, I only transmitted the central documents yesterday, and today you hang yourself! What the hell were you afraid of? Does anyone still think that class struggle in Stunted Flats is not complicated? I swung the axe at the beam. The accumulated dust fell from the beam, getting in my eyes. Although my eyes were filled with dust, I saw him drop stiffly to the kang, standing right in front of me without moving. I quickly rubbed my eyes and said, Cao Yongfu … but without making a sound, he fell against my chest. Everyone in the courtyard cried out in a single voice. By the time I could see, he had slipped down to my belly. I said, Gimpy Five, what the fuck were you thinking? When Political Commissar Wang fell against me, his chest was covered with blood. He opened his eyes and smiled and said, Little devil … Gimpy Five, what the hell were you thinking? … Little devil … I tell you, Gimpy Five, I’m a Communist and don’t believe in this nonsense of yours.
I put him down on the kang and returned to the courtyard. I said, The situation demands an investigation. I said, Who was the first to find him? Ugly Baby’s wife said she was the first to see him when she brought the donkey back from turning the millstone. Ugly Baby’s wife said, I shouted but no one responded. I lifted the door curtain and came in, and my soul nearly jumped out of me. I said, Okay, just tell me the facts, and none of that superstitious talk about souls. That’s feudal superstition. Ugly Baby’s wife said, Anyway, I nearly gave up my soul; it nearly scared me to death. Looking at the others, I said, Anything else? No? Then he committed suicide, he alienated himself from the people. Two dirty kids squeezed up front, faces upraised. The little one said, We didn’t see anything; we just came to eat a handful of cooked beans…. The bigger one shoved him and said, You’re itching for a damned beating! I said, Go away, kids should only be seen and not heard when adults are talking. Who’ll go to the valley and tell the people working there to come back? Who’ll go get Tianzhu, who’s out grazing the oxen? The bigger kid said, I’ll go get my dad. I said, Oh, you’re Big Dog. The little one said, I’ll go with my elder brother. I said, Oh, you’re Second Dog. Okay, go, and make it fast! Tell them that I said Gimpy Five killed himself and that everyone must return and no one needs to work. This issue must be dealt with. The bigger kid opened his eyes wide and said, You fool, I’m not going to fucking take you! The little one rubbed his face and cried, If you don’t take me, I’ll tell Dad…. I said, Okay, okay, take him for the sake of unity. I waved my hand at the people in the courtyard and said, Okay, everyone leave, don’t hang around here. There’s nothing to see when a rich peasant kills himself. Get going.
Nuanyu said, Uncle Gimpy has to be dressed in a new set of clothes. As she spoke, the tears ran down her face.
That woman! She has no sense of class stand at all!
I said, Don’t talk so much. This is a political issue, what’s a woman doing getting foolishly mixed up in it?
Nuanyu paid no attention to me and said, Whatever, but he still needs to be dressed in a new set of clothes. If you’re not going to do it, I will!
That woman! She’s like an animal, wooden headed; there’s no point in thinking you can reason with her.
I waved my hand and said, Okay, get the hell out of here, you fucking cunts! You’re not a bunch of sheep that have to have someone come and shoo you away, are you? There’s nothing to see when a rich peasant kills himself. Get going.
The crowd dispersed, trickling away like a flock of sheep. Soon, all that was left in the courtyard were the four donkeys, tethered to the hitching post. Uncle Gimpy was laid out on the kang. You could see his face through the window, a white face on an old, dirty quilt, a white face with no life left in it.
One of the donkeys dug at the ground with its front hoof, dig, thud, dig, thud, dig, thud, dig, thud, it was enough to drive a person mad! I scolded it, What are you digging for? Do you fucking want to hang yourself too? That black donkey kept at it, dig, thud, dig, thud, dig, thud; suddenly it lifted its head and brayed deafeningly!
What the hell are you braying about? What an animal!
25
My ancestors! My hands were trembling so much I couldn’t light the lamp.
I placed the lamp made of half a hollowed-out potato on the stove, poured some oil in, and, as Uncle San told me, put in twenty-nine wicks, cut a person out of paper and placed it in the bottom of the cistern, placed a sheng of rice before the lamp, and then cut some paper banners to stick in the grain. As I cut the paper, I cut my finger with the scissors; the blood ran and ran, but I couldn’t look after it. I found three sticks of incense and stuck them in the rice as well. With a burning hemp stalk, I tried to light the lamp. My ancestors, I was trembling so much I couldn’t light it.
My ancestors! Even now my two legs are still weak. My ancestors, it scared me. How many times? He never caught me before, just this time he caught me for sure! I called the ghost. Why on earth did I have to do it today? If I’d known he was hanging there, you could have beaten me and I wouldn’t have gone there. Every day he went to the threshing ground at this time to collect the dry straw. I knew he wasn’t there. I tethered Laoni to the hitching post and listened, but didn’t hear a thing. I said, Uncle Gimpy, I brought the donkey back. I didn’t hear a sound, and I know that every day at this time he is gone. I went in—how many times had I taken some? The pot for the corn was there in the corner. I pulled off the slab and loaded up my pockets, then replaced the slab, about to leave. I turned, and that’s when I saw him. I fell to my knees before him. I started to cry and said, Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, I was wrong, I shouldn’t steal the team’s corn; this is the only time I ever stole any, you caught me red-handed. But you can’t say anything—if you do, how could I ever face the villagers? Uncle Gimpy, I said, I’ll do anything you say, but just don’t tell anyone. I’ll kowtow to you, Uncle Gimpy, I’ll kowtow to you. I bowed, and when I lifted my head I saw as clear as day that he was hanging from a beam. I was so scared that I fell back on the ground. My legs were weak and my pants were wet…. I said, Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, what have you done? My legs were so weak I couldn’t stand up. My pants were all wet. I got up off the ground.
My ancestors, just this one time I had to let him catch me. So many times and I never had a problem; just that one time I had to let him catch me. Even now my two legs are still weak. Big Commune Head, what do you need a soul for? You have one, don’t you? Every day you make public money, you eat and drink well. What do you need a soul for? But I can’t lose my soul—who’ll cook for my big family? Who’ll wait on Ugly Baby, who’ll feed the chickens, who’ll feed the pigs? Who’ll collect the eggs the chickens lay? Who’ll wash the clothes when they get dirty? Who’ll patch the clothes when they tear? I can’t lose my soul—I still want to hold my grandchildren.
I barred the door and while no one was around, I hurried and did it so that I could quickly see off Uncle Gimpy. I should have asked Uncle San over to do this, but I didn’t have a chance to talk with him today. How would I put it? I’d say, Uncle San, today I went over to the stable to steal some corn and ran into Uncle Gimpy. I’m afraid Uncle Gimpy will come for my soul; could you see him off for me?
Goodness, my hands were trembling so much I couldn’t light the lamp.
Okay, it was done. I knelt for Uncle Gimpy. Of all the verses Uncle San intoned for the dead, I couldn’t remember even one. I remember “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits,” but I can’t remember what comes after. Uncle Gimpy, you’l
l have to make do; I’ll kowtow to you, Uncle Gimpy. “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits.” Good people won’t remember the faults of their inferiors; Uncle Gimpy, you’ll just have to spare me this time. “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits.” Uncle Gimpy, tomorrow I’ll go and cry for you, tomorrow I’ll go and make offerings to you, but whatever you do, don’t come for my soul. “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits.” Uncle Gimpy, if you can’t have pity on me, you must have pity on my kids and Ugly Baby. “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits.” Uncle Gimpy, in the future I’ll visit your grave on Tomb-Sweeping Festival, I’ll burn spirit money for you; when it’s cold I’ll take you warm clothes; when it’s warm, I’ll take you cool clothes. “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits.” Uncle Gimpy, I’ll never steal again, I wouldn’t dare; if I do, may my hands rot and may I go blind. “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits.” Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, I don’t believe in any god, but I believe in you; I beg you, Uncle Gimpy, I’m kowtowing, I’ll cry until I go blind, please take pity on my kids and Ugly Baby. “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits.” Uncle Gimpy, I know that’s the food for Erhei and the others; I know you love them more than yourself and I know you treat them better than you’d treat your own kids. I oppress animals that can’t talk—I’m worse than an animal. Uncle Gimpy, please spare me, aiya, aiya, aiya…. “One thousand rising spirits; ten thousand rising spirits.”
26
So many yellow ones so many yellow ones so many yellow ones so many yellow ones milling around
So many yellow ones, scattering
This black one this black one this black one this black one stays and howls like a wolf
The green one is inside the green one is inside the green one is inside the green one is silent want to see the green one thud want to go in want to see the green one thud want to go in thud want to go in thud thud thud thud the green one is mine the green one is mine thud the green one is mine thud the green one is inside the green one is inside thud thud thud thud