by Li Rui
Someone shouted, Kugen’r!
Kugen’r could see nothing. He again thought, I am a materialist….
Once again the voice shouted, Kugen’r!
Kugen’r thought, I have nothing to fear….
That voice now seemed tinged with fear. Kugen’r, are you there or not? Kugen’r, why don’t you say something? Why don’t you light a lamp? Kugen’r, what’s wrong with you? Are you dead too, Kugen’r?
Kugen’r thought, I am a materialist. I haven’t died, the dead do not fear, I have nothing to fear….
That voice was now tearful. Kugen’r, Kugen’r, stop scaring me. Is anything wrong? You’re scaring the heck out of me….
Kugen’r finally discerned that the person crying outside the door was Nuanyu. Kugen’r thought, I am a materialist. Kugen’r felt for the matches and lit the lamp.
Kugen’r said, Nuanyu, it’s so late, what is it?
Still crying, Nuanyu said, Fucking Kugen’r, watching over the dead in the dark, you scared the hell out of me. I thought you were dead too.
Kugen’r watched as Nuanyu entered carrying two bowls filled with delicious-smelling hot mutton dumplings. Kugen’r suddenly felt hungry. This time he really was hungry. He salivated as his stomach growled.
Kugen’r said, Nuanyu?
Nuanayu said, These are the dumplings I made for the team to handle Uncle Gimpy’s funeral. You are watching over Uncle Gimpy, so you should have some dumplings. This bowl I brought over especially to offer to Uncle Gimpy. When she finished speaking, she placed a bowl for Kugen’r on the windowsill and carried the other bowl into the room. She placed the bowl at the head of the kang, knelt, and said, Uncle Gimpy, these are the dumplings from the team for your funeral. Uncle Chuandeng and the others had some; you have some too. As she spoke, tears rolled down her face.
Kugen’r looked at the kneeling silhouette and said, Idealist.
Nuanyu stood up and said, Kugen’r, are they good?
Kugen’r said, I haven’t tried them yet. Kugen’r pointed to the head of the kang and said, Nuanyu, that’s nothing but feudal superstition, it’s idealism.
Nuanyu said, Us common folk don’t worry about such things as superstition. How can someone die and offerings not be made? I don’t know what that “ism” of yours is; anyway, a person must have a good heart. Without a heart a person is nothing more than an animal, right?
Kugen’r said, You have no idea what I am talking about.
Nuanyu lifted the door curtain and said, You don’t have to understand. If you spend too much time trying, your dumplings will get cold.
Nuanyu lowered the door curtain. The waft of air created as the door curtain fell once again extinguished the lamp. Kugen’r was again shrouded in icy darkness. He could hear the donkeys eating noisily. Once again he salivated and his stomach growled. The sound of Uncle Chuandeng’s saw could really be heard coming from the temple of the Earth God, ha-la, ha-la, ha-la. Kugen’r again felt for the matches and relit the lamp. That real shadow and that very real corpse appeared once again.
Kugen’r thought, I am a materialist, I have nothing to fear. Zhao Yingjie is also a thoroughgoing materialist.
48
Stunted Flats has been empty since Uncle Gimpy died. Stunted Flats has been totally empty since Uncle Gimpy died. He was hanging from a beam, but I couldn’t see his face, just his back. I really regret not having spent more time with him last night, spent more time talking with him. He was hanging from a beam, hanging from a rope above his head. He really looked like a skin hung on the wall, with nothing inside—no bones, no flesh, no heart, no eyes, no mouth, no Uncle Gimpy, just an empty skin hanging there, empty, empty, empty like a kite. It was the same that time. That time we buried my brother; I got married; my mom, dad, brother, and sister all left, leading away a small donkey with a sack of corn on its back. I saw them to the earthen cliff just outside the village and said, Mom, Dad, I’ll say good-bye here. Don’t bother to come and see me later, and don’t tell my brothers or sisters to come and see me. And don’t send a letter asking about me. I don’t want to know anything or see anything. Here is where I am, and I’m not going anywhere else…. Someday, I’ll die here. They cried. I told them not to cry. They left. A winding path of yellow earth, far and long. Blue sky, yellow earth. They are far away over there. I am here. Like a kite, drifting farther and farther, ever higher into the emptiness. So empty it’s as if there is nothing under the sky, everything inside and outside is empty. Tell me why people live. If you were the only person left on earth with food to eat, something to drink, clothes to wear, a place to live, and a place to sit, if you had everything and didn’t have to worry about anything, would you still want to live if you were the only person alive on earth? No one would care for you and you’d have no one to care for. Would life still be worth living? If a person had nothing to do or think, would she still be a human being? If a person couldn’t do anything or think anything, would she still be a human being? How would such a person live? All the people who cared for me have left, gone home. All the people I cared for have died and are buried in the yellow earth. Every day, I cooked at home for those two kids; every day, I took food to them. What would I do if I didn’t take food to them? I took food to them for three days and three nights. On the third night, holding a bowl, I saw Uncle Gimpy squatting under my window. I said, Uncle Gimpy, why aren’t you at home asleep? Uncle Gimpy said, Nuanyu, don’t take any food to the graves. I said, Why aren’t you at home asleep? Can’t you see it’s nearly light? Uncle Gimpy said, Nuanyu, I’ve been keeping watch here for the last three nights. I said, Aren’t you tired, Uncle Gimpy? Uncle Gimpy said, Nuanyu, I’m afraid something might happen to you. How can someone eat after they’re dead, Nuanyu? Think about it. Little Cui and your little brother are both dead. How can they eat? Suddenly it was all clear. I sat on the threshold and began to cry. Then I thought of how all those who cared for me and all those I cared for were dead. I was all alone. My heart was empty. I had no one, no one, I was all alone. I pressed against his chest and sobbed. I said, Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, I really want to become deformed, the same as all of you. I’m lonely as hell. Uncle Gimpy sighed and said, Cry if you feel like it. Have a good cry. I cried. I cried, I cried, I cried. I really wanted to die. Those who cared for me and those I cared for are all gone, leaving me all alone here to cry, cry, and have no one hear me. Why do I go on living? Uncle Gimpy said, You really make people worry about you; you really make people feel sorry for you. I cried, I cried, I cried, I cried, Wa, wa, wa…. Uncle Gimpy said, You really make people worry about you; you really make people sorry for you…. Uncle Gimpy cared for me; I pressed against his chest and cried for one who cared for me. I cried. I cried. I cried. I cried … I cried, never thinking that this day would come when I would be bringing dumplings to Uncle Gimpy. He hanged himself from a beam in the stable with an old hemp rope, like a skin nailed to the wall. The skin was empty, no bones, no flesh, no heart, no eyes, no Uncle Gimpy, just like an empty skin hanging there, empty, empty, empty as a kite. Yellow earth, blue sky. They are far away over there. I am here. It’s like a kite, drifting farther and farther, ever higher into the emptiness…. Yellow earth, blue sky. They’re far away over there. I am here…. I placed the dumplings at the head of the kang, never having dreamed that the day would come when I would be offering dumplings to Uncle Gimpy. How can someone eat after they’re dead, Nuanyu? Think about it. Now Uncle Gimpy is dead. Uncle Gimpy can’t eat either. I placed the dumplings for Uncle Gimpy at the head of the kang and said, These are the dumplings I made for the team to handle Uncle Gimpy’s funeral. Uncle Chuandeng and the others had some; you have some too. Uncle Gimpy said, How can someone eat after they’re dead, Nuanyu? Think about it. Every day at home I cooked for those two kids; every day I took food to them, for three days and three nights in a row. If I didn’t take food to them, why go on living? Kugen’r simply doesn’t understand this. Kugen’r isn’t ordinary folks. He just doesn’t understand the affairs of ordi
nary folks. Sitting under a lamp, holding a book in his hands, he just didn’t understand what I was thinking when I carried the dumplings over. If there was no one else on earth save Kugen’r and his book, he could go on living. Kugen’r has no dad, Kugen’r has no mom, Kugen’r has no kids, Kugen’r has no one who cares for him, Kugen’r has no one he cares for. If only one Kugen’r remained on earth, have no fear, there’d still be a Kugen’r, who’d, as usual, read his book and talk his reasons, who’d go on being Kugen’r. Tianzhu asked me what I agreed to with him. Everything and nothing. Tianzhu said, Has Stunted Flats treated you badly? Stunted Flats has not treated me badly. I stay here willingly. Erniu said, You’re such a nice person, so why do you want to live in this village of cripples? A healthy person like me lives here because I have to. It’s not because it’s good or pretty here, or it’s worth living here, it’s because I have to live here. I must be only too willing—those who cared for me and those I cared for all remain here, are all buried here. Where would I go? Tell me. But I never thought Uncle Gimpy would die, I never thought there would be a day when Uncle Gimpy didn’t eat. Stunted Flats has been empty since Uncle Gimpy died. Stunted Flats has been totally empty since Uncle Gimpy died. There’s no one who cares for me. There’s no one I care for. Yellow earth, blue sky. They’re far away over there. I’m here. Yellow earth … blue sky … they’re far away over there…. I’m here….
49
I had to talk to someone. If I kept this bottled up inside me, I’d go crazy for sure. I entered the courtyard, the cave, and sat on the kang. I could smell them. I smelled. On the kang were a newly made quilted cotton jacket and pants—black on the outside with white lining, and finely stitched. The buttons and button loops were twisted tight and firm. Cloth shoes with newly stitched-on soles lay next to the clothes. There were also shoe lasts, black as well as firm and rigid. Everything was ready. Well made and made quickly. Sitting next to the lamp, I could smell them. I smelled. It smelled good. She’s a good woman. Uncle Gimpy is really lucky. The day I die, I’m afraid I won’t have the luck to have a set of clothes like this to wear, and I’m afraid I won’t have Uncle Gimpy’s luck. The cave glowed warmly in the light of the lamp. It smelled like new clothes in the cave, like mutton dumplings, and like her. I could smell it all. It smelled good, real good. She’s a good woman. I heard someone at the courtyard gate. I heard Blackie run toward the gate. I heard her footsteps. She opened the door, lifted the door curtain, and looked up. She saw me. She’s a good woman. Why did I dream of her and Lanzi together?
She said, Someone sitting here without uttering a word is enough to scare a person to death.
I said, It’s an act. I’ve stayed overnight here more than once. What are you scared of?
She pulled a long face and said, Tianzhu! What day is this? And here you are still talking so improperly!
That year, I was only seven. How could she be together with me and Lanzi? I said, Look, you’re angry again. Why are you so angry with a bunch of cripples like us? How come I never see you get angry with the great director? Huh?
She said, If you’re so afraid of me, why do you come to my place? Why are you so shameless?
I pulled Lanzi toward me and said, Lanzi, don’t move. Then I knelt and drank her milk. I drank a lot of Lanzi’s milk, but how could she be standing behind? I laughed and said, If a cripple can’t be shameless, who can? The folks of Stunted Flats are born shameless.
She said, Tianzhu, don’t argue with me. What is it you really want today?
She followed behind me and I said, Aren’t you thirsty? Don’t you want some of Lanzi’s milk? She said, No. I’ve got so much milk of my own and no place for it. I said, I’m not arguing; I just want to drink your milk.
She said, Tianzhu, more nonsense, get the heck out of here!
The sun sizzled on the back of my head. I said, I’ll drink your milk. She said, No. I laughed and said, When I was seven I drank a lot of Lanzi’s milk. Now I want to drink yours.
She said, Tianzhu, are you nuts today or what? What’s all this crazy stuff you’re talking?
The sun was silent. That year, when I was seven, I don’t know where she was, she hadn’t been born yet. But how could I dream of her and Lanzi together? I didn’t laugh. I said, Nuanyu, I have to speak to you about something, and if I don’t, I’ll go crazy for sure.
She said, Is it about Uncle Gimpy?
I said, Yes. How did you know?
She said, Hurry and say what you have to say. I don’t know anything. What about Uncle Gimpy?
I said, This morning Kugen’r took me to Uncle Gimpy’s place, but Uncle Gimpy didn’t say anything. Kugen’r wanted him to talk about you and him. Uncle Gimpy refused to say anything. Not a word. Who would have thought he would hang himself? What is this all about? Uncle Gimpy said he couldn’t bully a woman, and said no more. He refused to say anything. Who would have thought he would hang himself? But from the start this had nothing to do with you and Uncle Gimpy; Kugen’r and I were out to get Liu. Who would have thought that he would hang himself? If I’d known this would happen, I never would have gone to see him! Am I crazy?
She didn’t say a word. She cried. Tears ran from both her eyes.
Her two breasts flowed the same way. After she buried Little Cui, I went to see her. She agreed. She said, Tianzhu, don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere, I’m going to die in Stunted Flats. Even if you don’t record high work points for me, don’t carry water for me or chop firewood, I agree. I won’t leave. I said, That’s not right. We have to give credit and treat people right. We all have to take care of you. She laughed. I laughed. Later she began to cry. As soon as she started crying, her breasts moved and the front of her shirt was all wet, her milk soaked through her shirt in two places. She sat on the kang. I pressed her close to me and said, You see, you see…. I helped her open her clothes and saw her two white breasts. I knelt before her—those two breasts were enough for me. I grew up drinking Lanzi’s milk but never drank my mom’s. Those two breasts were enough for me. I cried and said, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, I’m kneeling before you, all of us men at Stunted Flats kneel before you—you are our savior. We must treat you well. I cried. She cried too…. I pressed her. I said, Nuanyu, don’t cry. Say something.
She kept crying. After crying enough, she said, I knew there was something, I knew there was something, I knew that Uncle Gimpy had to have a reason to hang himself. Uncle Gimpy died for me, Uncle Gimpy was muddleheaded. What’s the point of dying for such shameless goods as me? What’s the point? Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, why were you so muddleheaded? Ah, hai-hai-hai … Uncle Gimpy … you, you … ah, hai-hai-hai …
Now I regretted it. I knew it was bad. I knew I’d made a mess of things. I shook her and said Nuanyu, Nuanyu, NuanyuNuanyu, NuanyuNuanyu….
She ignored me. She just cried. Cried. She didn’t cry when her little brother died. She just cried. She just cried.
How could I dream of being with her when I was seven? The year I turned seven, I came out of the woods, leading Lanzi. The sun sizzled on the back of my head. Nuanyu followed behind me. I saw Huatou in the courtyard after the Japs had cut off his legs. I saw my grandpa, disemboweled by the Japs, strung up on the sacred tree at the entrance of the village. In Ugly Baby’s courtyard I saw all the women naked. Ugly Baby’s grandpa banged the gong and cried, The Japs are here, it’s a disaster, don’t think of suicide. If you all kill yourselves, who will have babies for us at Stunted Flats? Ah, hai-hai-hai-hai….
I said, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, don’t cry, you’ll make yourself sick. If something were to happen to you, the men of Stunted Flats would be finished!
She ignored me. She just cried and cried and cried.
I remembered there was something else I had to say to her. I said, Nuanyu, Nuanyu, you didn’t agree to anything with Director Liu, did you? If you did, what will become of the men at Stunted Flats? Say something.
She ignored me. She just cried and cried and cried.
Where was she when I was s
even? She hadn’t been fucking born! Why was she born so late? Why was I born so early? Fuck it all to hell.
50
Master looked at the lid. Master looked at the lid again. Master sighed and put down the lid. Master didn’t scold me. Master didn’t beat me. Angry, Master squatted. The fire for the glue pot had gone out a while ago, and there was nothing left but a pile of white ashes. The sky was just beginning to get light. The lamp on the left column was out of oil. The lamp on the right column was out of oil. Both lamps had gone out, and the stage was cold and dark. Master didn’t scold me. Master didn’t beat me. Master just squatted on the ground, trembling with anger.
I said, Master …
Again I said, Master …
The stage was cold and dark. I joined my master in trembling.
Master said, Erniu, a person has a face, a tree its bark. Tell me, do you think the coffin can be called a coffin if we use that lid?
I said, Master …
Master said, Erniu, a person only dies once. Uncle Gimpy will die only this one time and you and I, master and apprentice, made his coffin. Is this coffin we made adequate? Tell me, do you think we have done right by him? It’s impossible to fix it, to compensate him, to apologize, to make it over again! You’re impossible! A person can’t die a second time!
I said, Master …
Master said, Erniu, I’ve built coffins for people my entire life. I don’t know how many people have been laid to rest in the coffins I built. I’ve never had anyone refuse and say no. Everyone says that they would be fortunate to die before me. This is the first time that your master has ever built a substandard coffin. The reputation of a lifetime! Erniu! Erniu!
I cried and said, Master, beat me! Scold me! I really don’t know how I could have messed it up so badly.