by Li Rui
Master said, Erniu, if I beat you or scold you, the lid is still cockeyed. If I beat you or scold you, Uncle Gimpy can’t die a second time for you. If I beat you or scold you, the wood is still ruined. If I beat you or scold you, your master can’t start all over again. Erniu, do you think your master can begin his life again? Is that possible? Can’t you see even with two lanterns hanging there? Are you blind? Are you so stupid you couldn’t see that it was cockeyed?
I cried and said, I’m not blind. I can see. I was just afraid that you’d be angry when you saw that the wood was the wrong side out. I thought I could plane it smooth and never thought it would become so thin. Hit me! Scold me! I can’t go on living unless you beat and scold me! Master!
Master said, Erniu, I did everything else tonight and asked you to make only the lid. The lid is a little more difficult to make, and I wanted to give you some practice. If you never practice, when will you ever learn?
Still crying, I said, Master, beat me! Scold me!
Master was still squatting and trembling. Master said, Erniu, the master is the master and the apprentice the apprentice. Wherever I might go, I can’t say that this lid was made by you and not by me. The master is the master and the apprentice the apprentice. Erniu, your master doesn’t want to beat you or scold you. Your master only wants to lie down in this coffin and have you nail down the lid. Lying in the coffin with the lid nailed on, your master won’t hear anything or see anything. He’ll just be at peace.
On the stage, I knelt before my master and said, Master, nail me inside! Nail me inside! I’m the one who ruined the coffin! I’m the one who ruined it!
Master didn’t move. Master was still squatting and trembling.
Master said, Little Five, Little Five, I, Li Chuandeng, must apologize to you for the rest of my life.
I watched my master kneel and kowtow to the coffin several times.
I ran over and knelt in front of my master. Crying, I said, Uncle Gimpy, Uncle Gimpy, it was me who ruined your coffin. I’m the one who ruined it, me…. I kowtow to you, I kneel before you, I’m sorry, Uncle Gimpy….
The lanterns were out. The sky was light. Master was kneeling. And I was kneeling.
51
My heart froze when I looked at it. I broke out into a cold sweat. Why did I have such confidence in him? Why didn’t I keep an eye on things? I was blind. Can that be called a coffin with that lid? Can Little Five be laid to rest in that thing? Is that what’s called craftsmanship? The master is the master and the apprentice the apprentice. Such an apprentice is just a chip off the old block. But it’s a master like me who is to blame. I’ve done this my whole life, my whole life! Starting with my apprenticeship at fifteen, I’ve done this for fifty years! A whole life, fifty years, ruined by this one lid. I was blind, blind, blind! Little Five, Little Five, I’m sorry. I’ll be sorry the rest of my life. I’ve done you wrong, Little Five. I, Li Chuandeng, have lost face and am a disappointment. I, Li Chuandeng, have had my failure; I’ve gone to Mai City as a failure. But why, Little Five, of all people, did I have to fail you? A hero who meets failure, who makes his journey to Mai City, can sing and the picture looks good. Now I’ve dragged you, who are such a sad person, along with me. It’s heartbreaking. I’ve never wronged a soul in all my life. I’m so sorry now. Little Five, I can get down on my knees before you, but I can’t make it up to you. I can kowtow to you, but I can’t make it up to you. A person lives their whole life and dies only once. Little Five, you only lived half your life and you died, hanged yourself. But I, Li Chuandeng, let such a sad person as you lie in this thing that by rights can’t be called a coffin. Little Five, oh, Little Five, I, Li Chuandeng, have harmed you so that you can’t even die like a human being. I kneel to you, I kowtow to you, but I can’t make it up to you.
52
A group of men shouted as they hoisted the coffin. Poplar wood. It’s not heavy. But still the group shouted, One, two, lift, go, go!
Tianzhu swore, You fuckers, walk steady! Humi, put a little more into it, damn it—can’t you see it’s all going crooked on your end?
The coffin swayed as it rose from the stage. Wood shavings and chips were heard underfoot—hua-la, hua-la, hua-la. Each person had a strip of red cloth affixed to his chest; the strips of red cloth all swayed as well. A bunch of cripples shouldered the white coffin on the stage. Hua-la, hua-la—it sounded as if they were crossing a river. It’s said that when a person dies they have to cross a river—this was Uncle Gimpy’s river.
Tianzhu swore again, Humi, didn’t you fucking hear me? Put more into it!
Peng-deng, the coffin hit one of the columns.
Tianzhu shouted, I told you to keep it steady. Damn it, can’t any of you hear me? If you break the coffin, which one of you has more wood to make it up to Uncle Gimpy? Keep it steady.
Ancestors. Nothing but swearing and more swearing. One lousy commune member and he can swear at whomever he damn well pleases. Uncle Chuandeng and Erniu followed behind. Uncle Chuandeng looked downcast and didn’t say a word. Uncle Chuandeng was upset about the thin lid. Erniu was also silent. Erniu glanced from Uncle Chuandeng to the coffin. Erniu wished it could be him inside the coffin. No one was dressed in funeral garb, there were no banners or weeping mourners, just the hua-la, hua-la underfoot, just Tianzhu swearing up a storm. Uncle Gimpy, you are pitiful. Sadly, you lived as a poor unmarried man. At times like these, it’s good to have a son or close relative. The group carried the coffin down off the stage and out of the grounds of the Earth God’s Temple, turned at the pediment, curved around the stone roller to the courtyard of the stable. A flatbed cart was ready there. Erhei was harnessed and standing there, flicking his tail. Seeing the coffin approach, Erhei brayed. Uncle Gimpy had nothing except Erhei. I’m even worse off because I don’t even have an Erhei, though I do have a Sack, who has to look after that fucker called Dad. Sack doesn’t know he’s not Third Dog. Sack is Sack. Sack doesn’t know that he’s not his dad; the one he is always swearing at is his dad. But Sack doesn’t know. Sack doesn’t know a damned thing. Sack doesn’t know why he’s called Sack, nor does Sack know why the earth is filled with fluttering leaves, hua-la, hua-la, hua-la. The earth is filled with fluttering leaves, hua-la, hua-la, hua-la, and not shavings on the stage, hua-la, hua-la, hua-la. Placing the coffin on the cart, the group stood in the courtyard with their hands folded, not uttering a word.
Tianzhu said, Ugly Baby, let’s carry Uncle Gimpy out.
Ugly Baby didn’t say a word and followed Tianzhu into the stable. The group of men stood around, hands folded, saying nothing. Then out came Uncle Gimpy. He was dressed in black cotton clothes and wearing black shoes, all made by Nuanyu. They put Uncle Gimpy in the coffin, then put the lid on, and then they too stood to one side, arms folded. Uncle Chuandeng and Erniu stepped forward with an axe and nails. Uncle Chuandeng and Erniu nailed on the lid.
Hammering in a nail, Uncle Chuandeng said, Little Five, watch the nails.
Hammering in a nail, Erniu said, Uncle Gimpy, watch the nails.
No one is dressed in funeral garb, there are no banners or weeping mourners. Just the flashing axes, just the beat of the axes on the coffin. The day I die, no one will dress in funeral garb, nor will there be banners and weeping mourners. I have Sack, but he doesn’t know he’s my son. Sack still thinks he’s his son. Actually he’s not his, but mine. Knowing and not knowing are the same. But I know that when I die, Sack won’t wear funeral garb for me, hang a banner, or weep in mourning. That’s because Sack doesn’t know I’m his father. I’m even sadder than Uncle Gimpy—he had Erhei, and Erhei cries for him. Sack doesn’t know who I am. He only knows that I’m Humi. He doesn’t know that Humi is his dad. Knowing is knowing; not knowing is not knowing. Sack, Sack, Dad is so pitiful. Sad Uncle Gimpy, sad Erhei, sad me, and sad you, do you understand? Sack, Sack, my son! My Erhei, my Erhei, your father will sooner or later let you know! I’m not afraid of not earning work points the rest of my life; I’m not afraid of going hungry the rest
of my life. Your dad just wants you to know who your real dad is. In the blink of an eye, the hammering stopped and all was silent. The coffin is nailed shut. Uncle Gimpy is nailed inside. Uncle Gimpy can’t get out. Hua-la, hua-la, the wood shavings made no sound. Uncle Gimpy has crossed his river. That river was too deep and too long. Once across, Uncle Gimpy won’t be coming back. Uncle Gimpy left Erhei on this side of the river, left Sack and me on this side of the river, left Nuanyu on this side of the river, and left Stunted Flats on this side of the river. But the day will come when Humi must cross that river, Sack must cross that river, Nuanyu must cross that river, that fucker must cross the river, and all of Stunted Flats must cross that river. I wonder which side of the river has more people, this side or that side. I wonder which side of the river has more villages, this side or that side. I wonder which side of the river is larger, this side or that side. How big is it on the other side? People cross every day, every year, and have crossed for thousands of years. Why isn’t it full? How can there still be space? People die every day, every year, and they’ve done so for thousands of years. Is there no end to death on this side? Why so many villages on this side? Is it because all the living have died and all the dead have returned to life? Living and dying, living and dying, living and dying for thousands of years, dying and living for thousands of years. Is it life or death? Death or life? There’s no damned way for anyone to be certain. Uncle Gimpy is certain; Uncle Gimpy has reached the end. The coffin was nailed shut and Uncle Gimpy was nailed inside and can’t get out. Uncle Gimpy can’t say a word. No one was saying anything. Everyone was standing around with arms folded, saying nothing. A bunch of cripples standing on this side of the river, in a courtyard, around a coffin, silent. Standing around Uncle Gimpy’s boat for crossing the river.
Tianzhu said, Let’s go. Let’s have some noodles.
Everyone walked out of the courtyard, around the pediment at the Earth God Temple, and to the gate of Nuanyu’s courtyard. Before they even entered, they could smell the mutton. Fuck! It smelled good! Their cheeks tingled and saliva flowed between their teeth. People on this side of the river have mutton noodles to eat. I wonder if the people on the other side of the river are cooking noodles for Uncle Gimpy.
53
I knew there was something wrong with him. He hadn’t been quite right since yesterday. He swore at everyone on his way back from the embankment, he swore when he went to dig the grave at Fifteen Mu, and now he was swearing as he carried the coffin. There was something wrong with him. What was it? What was he so upset about? He hadn’t been quite right since yesterday.
He said, Ugly Baby, let’s carry Uncle Gimpy out.
I followed him into the stable, into the room. Uncle Gimpy was lying there dressed in new clothes, making people feel uncomfortable. It was like the one lying there wasn’t Uncle Gimpy, more like a bridegroom. I’d never seen such a change in my whole life. It was so new it seemed wrong.
He got up on the kang and said, Ugly Baby, I’ll lift his head, you get his feet.
I moved toward his feet.
Lifting Uncle Gimpy’s head, he cried and said, Uncle Gimpy, this is such a sad life. Fuck it all to hell! Why is it so damned hard to live out one’s life? Fuck it all to hell!
I tried to boost his spirits a bit and said, Tianzhu … Tianzhu … what are you crying for? Huh?
Lifting Uncle Gimpy’s head, he said, Ugly Baby, you don’t understand. I’m the one who did him in!
I said, Tianzhu, Tianzhu, what kind of nonsense is that? Uncle Gimpy hanged himself.
He said, Ugly Baby, you don’t understand. Yesterday morning Kugen’r and I went to see Uncle Gimpy. Kugen’r wanted him to tell about his relationship with Nuanyu. Kugen’r wants to get Commune Head Liu, and I’m afraid he wants to take Nuanyu away. That sissy Kugen’r just wants some accomplishments. But Uncle Gimpy wouldn’t talk. He refused to talk. Who knew he would hang himself? If I’d known he was going to hang himself, do you think I would have visited him? Fuck it all to hell.
Uncle Gimpy was lying there dressed in new clothes, so new that he looked like a bridegroom.
I pressed him and said, Tianzhu, I could see since last night that you haven’t been quite right. I knew you had to be mixed up in something here. Don’t cry. And don’t speculate. It’s hard enough understanding the living. Do you think you can explain the dead? Uncle Gimpy took a rope and hanged himself. What makes you think you know why? If you guys hadn’t come yesterday morning, who’s to say that he wouldn’t have still hanged himself? If you were to come tomorrow morning, would he have hanged himself tomorrow morning? If you guys never showed up, does that mean he never would have hanged himself? When a person decides to die, do they come to that decision one morning? Have you ever died? You talk about death as if it were so simple and clear. Have you become an immortal?
Still crying, he said, Fuck it all to hell! It would better if I’d hanged myself! At least that way I could wear the new clothes made by Nuanyu. It would be better for you guys to bury me today! Why is it so damned hard for a man to live out his life? Ugly Baby, why is it so hard? Life is so hard, but what other way is there? It would be better just to learn from Uncle Gimpy. Close your eyes and have all your problems vanish!
I said, What kind of fucking nonsense are you talking? If you die, who’ll take care of those four dogs of yours? That’s the easy way out. Close your eyes and rest. Who’ll take care of your kids? You don’t want to take care of your own flesh and blood? No? Are you human? Or are you a beast? Okay, don’t cry. Crying, you’re more like a woman confined after childbirth. Are you acting like a man? A team leader? We grew up bare-assed together, but I don’t know what you can do. Pick him up, there’s a bunch of guys waiting outside. Pick him up, make it snappy; otherwise, Uncle Gimpy will have every right to scold us.
We picked him up. We carried the new Uncle Gimpy to his new coffin. We placed the new Uncle Gimpy in his new coffin. We watched as Uncle Chuandeng and his apprentice ran in new nails, ding-dong, ding-dong, ding-dong, nailing the coffin shut. Then there was nothing left to see. The cold, dry sun shone on the white coffin. When a man lives his life, lives it till it’s stale, then he puts on a new suit of clothes, lies down in his coffin, and dies.
What is it to enjoy a life of ease and comfort? What is a life of suffering? Is the way Uncle Gimpy lived and died suffering? Is the way Tianzhu and I live a life of ease and comfort? Yes? No? It’s hard to say. Perhaps Uncle Gimpy knows, knows only too well. He hanged himself with a rope and died. Humi is right—if you haven’t reached the end, you don’t know what it is. When you get to the end and you know what it is, you’re damned well dead and gone too. When you’re fucking dead, you’ve got no way to tell others about it. To tell the truth, let the Old Man in Heaven take care of it all. People have got no business in it.
The cold, dry sun shone on the white coffin. Shining as Tianzhu cried his eyes red. Fucking Tianzhu is usually pretty foulmouthed, and swears at the drop of a hat, but he can cry like a woman confined after childbirth when something’s happened. When he was seven years old, I was seven too. When he was seven, the Japs disemboweled his grandpa, cut the legs off Huatou, and stripped the village women naked in our courtyard. It scared the shit out of him, and he cried all summer long. That day I wasn’t caught by the Japs; my grandpa hid me in the flour chest. If I’d been caught by the Japs that day, it would have meant my life, and I wouldn’t be here today to carry Uncle Gimpy.
Uncle Gimpy is wearing a new suit of clothes and is laid out in a new coffin. Nobody knows why he did it. Nobody knows if he was happy or sad.
54
She gave me a lot of noodles. She just looked at me. It made me uncomfortable. What was she looking at? Hadn’t she ever seen anyone eat before?
She called me, Erniu, Erniu.
I looked up at her over the edge of my bowl.
She said, Erniu, take your time, there’s no need to rush.
I lowered my head. I ate. The cave was filled with a sl
urping sound. Heads lowered, the whole group was eating noodles. All eyes were fixed on the noodles. No one was looking at me. No one was looking at her.
She said, Erniu, take your time. When you finish, I’ll give you some more.
I lowered my head and ate for all I was worth. I gulped down a whole bowl of mutton noodles in no time flat. The noodles were no good because there was elm-bark flour in them. Too much elm-bark flour, made everything red. The noodles were no good, but the mutton was. I ate for all I was worth. I wolfed down a whole bowl in no time flat. Holding my bowl, I stood beside the stove. I looked at her and held the bowl out to her.
I said, More noodles.
She ladled in the noodles and more meat. She heaped it up. She said, Erniu, this is your third bowl. Take your time, there’s no hurry. When you finish, I’ll give you some more.
Laofan shouted, Look! Look! Look at Erniu’s bowl. That’s real mutton noodles.
Tianzhu cursed, Laofan! Mutton noodles aren’t enough to stuff your fucking mouth! The noodles are the team’s and so is the meat, it’s no concern of yours!
Laofan smiled. Laofan said, I’m not concerned about the noodles or the meat. I’m saying that someone cares for Erniu and that no one cares about me. Just look at everyone’s bowls.
Everyone looked at my bowl. Master looked too. They made me feel really uncomfortable. I put down my bowl. I wouldn’t eat.
She said, Erniu, have you eaten your fill? If you’re full, don’t eat any more. You don’t want to burst.
I wasn’t full, but I put down my bowl and wouldn’t eat.
Tianzhu said, Nuanyu! What are you doing? Erniu and Uncle Chuandeng worked all night, why are you telling them not to eat? Erniu, don’t listen to her. Eat up!
I didn’t want to pick up my bowl. I said, I won’t eat.
Tianzhu’s eyes were wide open. Nuanyu! Look at you.
Then she cried. She said, Erniu, Erniu, I’m not stopping you from eating. My little brother died from overeating noodles that year. If I had kept an eye on him and been more careful and not allowed him to eat that last bowl of noodles, Huniu wouldn’t have died and would have been able to go home. If Huniu had gone home, he’d be able to come and see me.