Rachel hummed “Joy to the World” as she walked to the church, trying to get into the mood for the evening. Her thoughts of the previous night with Damian had been pushed to the back of her mind for now. She’d have to deal with it some time, but it wouldn’t be that night, and most likely not till after Christmas.
And that was just fine with her.
As soon as she walked into the fellowship hall, Rachel spotted Annie. She wondered if Annie had heard about Nikki and her relationship to Damian yet.
“Evening, Annie,” Rachel said with a smile. “You look nice this evening.”
Annie glanced down at herself and then at Rachel’s attire. “Thank you. You look…quaint.”
Rachel took a quick breath, determined not to let Annie get to her. “Thanks. I’m looking forward to tonight.”
“I just hope the old folks can stay awake through the whole thing.”
Frowning, Rachel decided she didn’t want to be friendly with Annie. How could this woman claim to be a Christian and yet allow such things to come from her mouth?
“I’m sure they’ll enjoy listening to us sing as much as we’ll enjoy singing.”
“Hello, ladies,” Damian said from the doorway.
Rachel watched him walk towards them. “Evening, Damian.”
“Hi, Damian,” Annie said, her voice sweet and breathy. “I can’t wait to sing for those darling seniors tonight.”
It took great effort not to burst out laughing. Rachel settled instead for arching a brow and shaking her head. The woman was unbelievable.
Damian patted the hand Annie had laid on his arm before moving out of her reach. “I know they’re looking forward to us coming. And I heard rumors that they’ve been making some Christmas goodies for us.”
Annie groaned. “I can’t have anything. I’m on a diet.”
“Sorry to hear that,” Damian said. “All the more for me.”
Rachel walked away from Annie then, knowing she would start to laugh if she stayed any longer. Several others walked in, and Damian moved to the front of the room, waiting while everyone got settled.
“Glad to see you all here tonight. Before we run through the songs, I’d like to say a word of prayer asking for God’s blessing on our time with the seniors.”
Just as Rachel bowed her head, she felt movement beside her and peeked to the side. Serena slid onto the chair next to her. They exchanged smiles before closing their eyes for Damian’s prayer.
The evening was as much of a success as Rachel had hoped it would be. The home had been decorated for the season with lights and a large Christmas tree. The senior citizens turned out in droves, some in wheelchairs, others able to walk. The smiles on the wrinkled faces brought joy to Rachel’s heart, and it was wonderful when many of them joined in singing the familiar carols. After they’d finished singing, the group was treated to a huge assortment of Christmas goodies. The seniors had even made up plates to send home with each of the singers.
A tall white-haired woman handed Rachel a plate covered in red cellophane and hugged her, bringing on a flood of bittersweet memories of her mother. Although she missed her terribly, Rachel knew her mother was in a better place celebrating Christmas this year.
“You have yourself a wonderful Christmas, my dear,” the elderly women said with a smile. “We sure appreciate you coming here to sing.”
“It was my pleasure,” Rachel said, hoping the pain in her heart wasn’t evident in her voice.
“And mine, too.” Serena grinned and lifted her plate of cookies. “Not that I need more Christmas temptations around.”
The evening didn’t last too long since most the seniors weren’t up for late evenings. Together the group crossed the parking lot from the seniors’ complex to the church. Some people went directly to their cars and left, but a handful went on into the church.
“Are you gearing up for a busy few days at the store?” Serena asked as they walked through the door of the church
“If this year is a repeat of last, I imagine we’ll be hopping.”
Damian fell into step beside them as they headed for Serena’s office. “Thanks for your participation tonight, ladies.”
“I enjoyed singing for them. And the goodies are always welcome,” Serena said, her eyes sparkling. She bent and unlocked the drawer of her desk where she’d put their purses earlier so they hadn’t had to take them over to the seniors’ complex.
Rachel took her purse when Serena held it out.
“Here you are.” Rachel winced at the sound of Annie’s voice. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you, Damian.”
“And here I thought you were looking for me, Annie,” Serena replied sarcastically.
“Now, now,” Damian warned with a stern look at Serena. “What can I do for you, Annie?”
“I just wanted to tell you what a great job you did tonight,” she gushed, wrapping her hands around his forearm.
Rachel and Serena looked at each other and rolled their eyes.
“I think everyone did a great job,” Damian replied. “It definitely was a group effort.”
“But I’m sure we wouldn’t have done half as well if you hadn’t been there to lead us.”
Rachel slipped the strap of her purse over her shoulder and edged towards the door. She didn’t need to hear this. She wished Damian would just tell the woman to get lost, but part of her admired him for not wanting to hurt Annie’s feelings. He’d probably be just as gentle when he let her down. The thought made her feel sick to her stomach.
When she made it to the doorway, Rachel turned and waved. “Gotta run. Merry Christmas to all of you. Have a great week.”
Rachel left the room quickly, not waiting for a reply. No doubt Serena would have had some remarks regarding Annie’s behavior, but Rachel didn’t really want to hear them just then. She needed a little time alone.
Just as Rachel stepped off the last step to the parking lot, she heard the door open behind her.
“Rache, wait,” Damian called.
She paused and turned as he came to her side. “What’s wrong?”
“I just wanted to…apologize for that whole thing with Annie,” Damian told her.
“Nothing to apologize for, Damian,” Rachel said.
Damian shifted his weight to one leg, shoving his hands in his pockets. “Okay, maybe apologize is the wrong word. I just don’t know how to get Annie to understand.”
“Maybe telling her about Nikki would help,” Rachel suggested, crossing her arms over her waist.
Damian scowled. “Why would I do that? What Nikki and I had is over.”
Rachel’s heart skipped a beat. Was he really not getting back together with his former fiancée? The way he’d left their conversation the night before, she hadn’t been sure.
Damian must have interpreted her silence as surprise because he continued, “Yes, Rachel, Nikki and I are over. We’ve been over for two years, and that’s not going to change.”
Breath caught in Rachel’s throat.
“Let me tell you about our break-up,” Damian suggested. “Before I asked Nikki to marry me, I asked her two other questions. Would she be happy married to a pastor, and would she be willing to have a family soon after we were married. I was almost thirty and didn’t want to wait a bunch more years for a family.” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “She agreed, so I proposed. Six months after our engagement, just three months before the wedding, she got the job offer from a national television news program in New York.”
“And that changed everything,” Rachel stated.
Damian glanced at her and shook his head. “No, actually it didn’t. Just like she had accepted my being a pastor, I had accepted that as a new anchor, she might be transferred. I was prepared to move to New York with her. Obviously Minneapolis isn’t the only city with churches. I began to look into ministry opportunities in New York.
“It wasn’t until Nikki realized where in New York my ministry might take me that things changed. She didn’t want me wor
king in the poor areas of the city. Suddenly she began to encourage me to return to school to get my degree in psychology. I guess it looked better to have a psychologist husband than one who worked in the ghettos.”
“So that was the end?” Rachel asked when he paused.
Damian once again shook his head. “It was a difficult time, but we were working through it. Or so I thought. I finally realized she didn’t want me to be just a pastor, but she wanted me to have a prestigious ministry. The final straw came when she told me she wanted to wait three to four years before we started a family in order to let her get used to her new job.
“I realized it would never work.” Damian sighed. “How could it when we didn’t share common goals? My goals for my ministry and having a family weren’t as important to her as her career. And her career wasn’t as important to me as my ministry and my desire to have a family. After much prayer and soul-searching I realized God had plans for our lives that didn’t include each other, so I called it off.”
“Is she back to let you know she’s ready for that family and your ministry?” Rachel asked.
Silence stretched between them.
Damian finally nodded. “Yes, it’s one of the reasons she’s come back.”
“So why is it not something you’re interested in?” Rachel couldn’t keep the question from spilling out.
“God gave me peace about our break-up. I don’t feel led to get back together with her.” Damian faced her fully, his gaze direct. “Besides, I’m more interested in marrying and having a family with someone else now.”
And there it was.
Rachel’s heart cracked then shattered. His desire for a family had ended one relationship, and now it would end theirs, even before it went anywhere. Because Rachel couldn’t have children. And that would never change.
“I know we have a truce going on right now, Damian, but when the truce ends, I’m going to tell you the same thing I’ve been telling you for months. There can never be anything between us. You need to understand that and move on. Maybe Annie’s the person to help you.”
Damian gaped at her. “You’re joking, right? You’re not seriously encouraging me to pursue a relationship with Annie, are you?”
Rachel shrugged. “If not Annie, someone else.”
“I can’t believe what I’m hearing from you. Over the months I’ve always assumed that in spite of your protests, we would find common ground in our relationship and have a future together. Obviously that was a smug assumption on my part.”
“I’ve tried to tell you, Damian. Week after week I’ve told you no. Maybe I should have been more forceful. I have to admit it’s been kind of fun, this back and forth thing with you, but I need you to understand now, that there can be nothing more.”
“Why?” Damian asked, clearly refusing to give up without a fight. “You’ve said this before, and I’ve let it slide. But now I want to know.”
“Now’s not the time, Damian.” Rachel turned to walk away, but he laid a hand on her arm, stilling her.
“I need an answer, Rachel. Whether you want to hear it or not, I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in this relationship.”
“It’s not a relationship,” Rachel protested.
“Maybe not in the conventional sense, but what we have goes beyond simple friendship. I haven’t been in a hurry these past few months because I was busy with the church, and you were busy with the bookstore. But now I think it’s time to look forward. Tell me why that’s not going to happen, Rachel. I need to understand.” Damian still held her arm, although a gentle tug on her part would have freed her.
But she didn’t tug free. Instead Rachel looked away from him, out towards the darkened parking lot. “I can’t give you the reasons, Damian. They’re too personal.”
“Nothing is too personal between us, Rachel. I want to know everything about you. I know I’ve never put this into words before, but I always believed that someday you’d be my wife.”
Rachel sucked in a quick breath as pain pierced her heart, then spread through her body.
Chapter Nine
“I love you, Rachel. I don’t know when it happened, or how, but the fact is, over the past six months I’ve fallen in love with you.” Damian tightened his grip on her arm slightly, just enough to let her know he still held her. “You were the first woman in the past two years who touched my heart. I wasn’t eager to get involved again after my relationship with Nikki ended. But then something happened, something that I never expected.”
Rachel swung around to face him. “Something?”
“Yeah, something. I’ve always known you were a nice person, but being with Nikki clouded my vision of just how nice. It wasn’t until I started praying that God would send another woman into my life that I realized just how wonderful you are.” Damian had never imagined he’d be telling her these things in the middle of a parking lot. “I love your sense of humor, the way you can drop a witty line in the middle of a conversation and get everyone laughing. And I love to hear you laugh, although you haven’t done it much lately.
“I love the way you set aside so much of yourself to help your mom. You’re the most generous woman I’ve ever met. I’m not ready to let you out of my life. Not without a really good reason. I want you by my side every day. I want you to be the mother of my children. I want them to have your eyes and my hair. I want to raise them together in a godly home. And I want them to grow up to be just like their mom.” Damian touched Rachel’s cheek and saw her eyes glistening with tears.
Rachel pulled herself free from his grasp. As she turned away, Damian could have sworn he heard a sob. “Rachel?”
She didn’t respond right away but stood with her back to him, head bent. Finally Rachel turned back around, a hand resting on her heart. The trails of her tears glistened silver in the dim light from the streetlights. “Damian, there are things you don’t know about me. Things I have shared with only one other person in the world, and she’s gone now. Please understand that I just can’t share them with you. I need you to just accept that I know what I’m saying when I tell you I can’t be the wife you need. Or mother for the children you want. It will never happen.”
Before Damian could reply, Rachel spun away and ran towards her car. He saw her stumble, but she quickly regained her balance. Once at her car she leaned against it. Damian took a couple of steps toward her then stopped. Through tears of his own he watched her slide behind the wheel of her car and leave the parking lot.
A shiver wracked his body. At first Damian thought it was because he had come outside without his jacket, but then he realized that the cold outside couldn’t compare to the cold taking over his heart. Fear gripped him. Was this truly the end?
The numbness that filled him only encompassed his heart, for as he climbed the steps to the doors of the church, Damian felt piercing pain in every other part of his body. He tugged open the door and stepped into the foyer. The warmth of the building wrapped around him like a blanket, taking the chill from his skin.
Damian hoped the warmth didn’t thaw the ice encasing his heart, because he knew the pain he’d feel then would be unbearable. He preferred the numbness to the pain. Later, in the privacy of his home, he’d deal with the pain. And he’d cry out to God and ask Him why.
“Why do you continually throw yourself at her?”
Damian squeezed his eyes shut for a moment before turning around. Annie leaned against one of the glass windows that flanked the doors he’d just entered. He’d been so wrapped up in his thoughts he hadn’t noticed her, but clearly she’d watched his exchange with Rachel. Anger burned inside him.
“Why do you continually throw yourself at me?” he demanded. “I don’t want to hurt you. I’ve tried not to hurt you, but you’re just not getting the point. There is no future for us.”
“She doesn’t want you,” Annie pointed out.
Damian’s hands clenched into fists. “You don’t know anything about my relationship with Rachel. Don’t make assumption
s about things when you don’t have a clue.”
Without waiting for her reply, Damian spun on his heel and stalked down the hallway to his office. Although he wanted to slam the door, a display of temper would be a display of weakness. When the door clicked shut, he leaned his forehead against its smooth panels. His shoulders heaved in the effort to restrain his emotion. Turning, he plunked down into his office chair.
He stared at the picture that sat on the corner of his desk - a duplicate to the one he had at home. Picking it up, he caressed her face with his fingertip. The laughter and joy she showed in the picture had been absent earlier. His proclamation of love had been met with tears. Not exactly what he’d hoped for.
Damian set the picture face down on his desk. The tightness in his chest made it difficult to breath. He’d never felt like this before, so devastated. So hollow. He didn’t know if he’d ever get over it.
Oh God, I don’t understand. For the past few months I’ve felt so strongly that You had plans for a future for Rachel and me. Together. But now that seems even further away than ever. Was I wrong? Please show me if I misunderstood something You laid on my heart.
Damian propped his elbows on the arms of the chair and linked his fingers. For a few moments he just stared at the wall. His thoughts and emotions were all jumbled together, going round and round like clothes in a dryer.
He swallowed hard, the tight muscles of his throat making it difficult. Was this the end of the line for him and Rachel?
Damian bent his head, chin to his chest, his forehead resting on his hands. In the stillness of his office he prayed as he’d never prayed before. The numbness in his heart was beginning to fade away, and the pain replacing it took his breath away.
A knock sounded on the door. Damian wanted to ignore it, afraid it was Annie.
“Yes?” he called out in a voice that wavered.
“Damian, it’s me. Can I come in?” He recognized Serena’s voice through the closed door.
Damian sighed. He really needed to be by himself. After he talked to Serena he would go home where he could be alone with his misery.
Waiting For Rachel: A Christian Romance (Those Karlsson Boys) Page 10