Winter of Grace

by Kate Constable

  Without Stella, there were no other Kincaids in my life either: no chaotic weekend breakfasts, no football arguments with Tark, no helping Scarlet with her homework, no yoga with Mish, no jokes with Paul. In a funny sort of way, I almost missed them as much as I missed Stella herself.

  I spent a lot of time in my room, reading the Bible. Jay had given me one, and everyone at Northside assured me that there was no better way to find out about God than to read His Word; so I’d decided to read the whole thing from start to finish. I hated to admit it, but Stella was right: it was pretty confusing. Even in the first two pages of Genesis there were two contradictory creation stories, and Leviticus was full of weird rules about sacrifices and diseases. God didn’t come across too well either. He didn’t seem loving at all, to tell the truth, always ordering people to kill their first-born sons, and smiting them with plagues and destruction.

  I told Elliot I was struggling with the Old Testament, and he advised me to go straight to the New, which was a lot more enjoyable. Jesus was a pretty incredible guy; no wonder they built a whole religion round Him. Some of the things He said gave me chills all over.

  ‘It’s amazing,’ I said to Jay. ‘How His friends were able to write down everything that happened, and it’s lasted two thousand years.’

  Elliot overheard. ‘Actually, Bridie, it wasn’t Jesus’ friends who wrote the Gospels. The earliest one wasn’t written till forty years after His death, and the others were much later. That’s why they don’t agree on the details.’

  ‘Oh,’ I said. ‘So – some of it’s made up?’

  ‘No,’ said Jay firmly. ‘It’s all true. That’s not what Elliot meant, was it, Elliot?’

  There was a pause, then ‘Yes,’ said Elliot vaguely, and he scratched his chin and walked away; I didn’t know what to think.

  One night in late July, Mum said casually over dinner, ‘I’ve been asked to speak at a public forum at uni in a couple of weeks. Want to come?’

  I grimaced. ‘Is it about biology?’

  ‘Not just biology, there’ll be other speakers too.’

  ‘What’s it about?’ I spoke through a mouthful of rice.

  Mum pushed a flyer across the table. ‘Maybe Stella would like to come, too?’

  ‘Stella would come and hear you read a shopping list,’ I said absently, turning over the pamphlet. Then I realised that meant Mum would expect me to invite her. I hadn’t told Mum about our epic fight, but she’s not an idiot; she must have noticed Stella and I weren’t exactly best buddies any more. Was this Mum’s not-so-subtle attempt to bring us back together? I was still waiting for Stella to apologise. I pushed the problem away as I focussed on the flyer.

  God vs Science

  ‘Creation Science’ Is Not Science!

  ‘Intelligent Design’ Is Not Intelligent!

  Hear the truth about evolution, education and the curriculum conspiracy!

  Then a list of four speakers, including Dr Lisa Vandenberg, and the details of when and where.

  ‘You haven’t organised this forum for my benefit, have you?’ It was the first time I’d risked a church-based joke, however tiny, with Mum.

  Mum took back the flyer. ‘No, it’s a coincidence.’

  I stabbed a beef strip. ‘Is anyone talking from the other side?’

  ‘The other side have plenty of forums of their own,’ Mum said sharply. ‘There’s no need for the university to give them a public platform.’

  ‘I thought universities were supposed to encourage open debate, the battle of ideas, that kind of thing?’

  ‘When two ideas have equal intellectual value––’ Mum stopped herself, and took a deep breath. ‘I would really like you to come.’

  I pushed rice around my plate. ‘I guess I might.’

  Mum nodded. ‘You know, Bridie,’ she said. ‘At some point, you’re going to have to make a choice.’

  ‘It’s not on a Northside night, is it?’ I figured calling it ‘Northside’ was less confrontational than ‘church’.

  ‘That isn’t what I meant.’ Mum’s face was still and tight.

  I chewed my meat, which had taken on the texture of a rubber band. Why would I have to choose? I could go to Northside and the evolution forum. I could believe in everything, like Mish. Why did it have to be one or the other?

  It wasn’t long before I found out why. The next night, to be precise.

  ‘Exciting news, people!’ announced Ryan, another of the youth leaders. He brandished one of the forum flyers that Mum had brought home. My stomach lurched. ‘A great opportunity! We’re going to hold a protest at the university.’

  Soon everyone was buzzing with plans: brainstorming ideas for placards and chants, dressing up in monkey suits, that kind of thing.

  I’d suspected that creationism might be something that Northside Church was into, but I hadn’t realised how fervently they embraced it. I didn’t say anything, but as the evening passed I became more and more uncomfortable. This must have been how Stella had felt at church, surrounded by people who believed in stuff she just couldn’t swallow.

  Because I just couldn’t swallow creationism. Maybe it came from having a biologist for a mother, but the idea that God made the earth and everything on it in six days was something I found literally unbelievable.

  As usual, Jay was sitting next to me. In the alternative universe that was Northside, we were seen as a couple, even though we’d never done any of the things a normal boyfriend and girlfriend do: never kissed, never been anywhere together except church, never talked about being a couple. But we sat together, and sometimes we held hands. In the eyes of Northside, that seemed to be enough. I wasn’t totally comfortable with it, but because we never did anything, I allowed it to drift on. I certainly didn’t think of Jay as my boyfriend. I wasn’t sure if he thought I was his girlfriend. But it was reassuring to know that I could rely on him to keep my seat, that he’d always be there.

  He’d acquired a proper black pirate’s eye-patch now, and his hair flopped over it rakishly. Sometimes I called him Cap’n Jay. ‘You’re very quiet tonight,’ he said.

  ‘Do you really want to go to another protest, after last time?’

  ‘Can’t give up the fight,’ he said cheerfully.

  ‘It’s not the same fight.’

  ‘We’re still doing the Lord’s work.’ He tried to take my hand but I withdrew it. Usually I enjoyed the safety and security of having Jay beside me, but tonight I felt a bit smothered. Jay’s relentless cheeriness seemed … unnatural. How could he bounce back so easily, and put his hand up to risk getting hurt again? Wouldn’t a normal person have some doubts, some fear?

  I didn’t want to have mean thoughts about Jay; he didn’t deserve it. He genuinely was brave; he was cheerful; his faith was strong. I was a bad person. I said hastily, ‘What’s with the monkey suit?’

  ‘It’s a joke. No way are human beings descended from monkeys.’

  ‘But that’s not what evolution says. The theory is that humans and apes have a common ancestry. That’s not the same thing.’

  Ryan overheard me. ‘The so-called theory of evolution is full of holes, Bridie. Even the scientists themselves admit it doesn’t explain everything. The complexity of an eye, for example.’ That wasn’t very tactful, with Jay right there, but Ryan ploughed blithely on. ‘The eye is a miracle of engineering. How could that just “evolve” by chance?’ He made quote marks in the air. ‘It must have been designed. Even the scientists admit that evolution is just a theory.’

  ‘Every scientific explanation is a theory,’ I said. ‘Every theory is tested. That doesn’t mean it’s not true. And natural selection can explain the development of the eye. It didn’t spring up out of nowhere; there are creatures with less complex eyes than ours, with light-sensitive patches on their skin.’ I stopped. Everyone in the room had fallen quiet, and they were all staring at me.

  Elliot said, ‘You seem to know a lot about it, Bridie.’

  ‘My mother’s a biologist
,’ I said miserably. ‘She’s one of the speakers at this forum, actually.’

  ‘Lisa Vandenberg? Really? She’s your mum?’ Elliot was animated. ‘She lectured me last year in History and Philosophy of Science.’

  ‘Yeah?’ I managed to say. What was wrong with me? With Stella and Mum, I’d stuck up for God, and all that had achieved was to make them both angry. But when I was with the God-lovers, I took the side of the non-believers. Did I want everyone to hate me?

  Chelsea clasped her hands together. ‘Oh, wow. You are so lucky. What a wonderful opportunity to bear witness. In front of your own mother!’

  ‘That’s great, Bridie.’ Jay’s face was shining. ‘You can show your mum you’re not afraid to stand up for the truth.’

  I felt like the situation was spiralling out of control. ‘But I—’

  Elliot rescued me. ‘Come on, guys. Bridie’s still new to the path. Let’s not ask her to do too much at once.’

  He sent me a swift glance that no one else saw; he seemed to know how I felt.

  ‘Hey, why shouldn’t Bridie bear witness?’ Ryan frowned at Elliot. ‘No need to spread the negative attitude around.’ He turned back to me. ‘I’ve got some stuff you can read about intelligent design. It demolishes all the so-called scientific arguments.’

  ‘Oh … thanks,’ I said feebly, and Ryan went off to find the booklets for me, with one last warning glance at Elliot.

  ‘But you will come to the forum?’ Jay’s keen eye gleamed at me. ‘You know what this is? This is a test. God sets us all tests to see how strong we are in the faith, and this is yours.’

  ‘So, no pressure, then?’ I said. But Elliot was the only one who smiled.

  At the end of the meeting, Ryan led us in prayer. He prayed for our soldiers and their families. I waited for him to pray for the soldiers on the other side, too, and the innocent civilians caught up in the fighting, but he didn’t. ‘Father, we pray for a quick victory in this war, this war between Christianity and the darkness of false belief. We pray for the overthrow of dictators who suppress Your word. We pray for the defeat of Your enemies.’

  I was so shocked I sat rigid, scarcely able to breathe. Ryan made it sound like we should support the war! But no one else was horrified; only me. At the end of the prayer I couldn’t even echo ‘Amen’ with everyone else.

  When Chelsea came up to apologise because they couldn’t give me a lift home, I hardly registered what she said.

  ‘Are you going to call your mum?’ Jay prompted me.

  I looked at him blankly.

  Jay squeezed my arm. ‘You okay? You’ve been weird all night.’

  ‘Um … just school stuff,’ I said, turning away from his concerned face, his green-gold eye peering into mine like a searchlight. Suddenly all I wanted was to get out of there.

  Elliot appeared, jangling his keys. ‘Heard you’re short of a lift, Bridie. I can drop you home.’

  ‘I’ll come too,’ Jay said.

  ‘No need,’ said Elliot. ‘You can go with Ryan.’

  Jay’s face fell. ‘Yeah, okay. See you on Sunday, Bridie.’

  ‘Okay,’ I said, but my smile felt plastered to my face. Elliot steered me toward his car. The doors clunked shut and locked us into a space of blessed silence.

  Elliot didn’t speak until we were speeding down the highway. ‘Pretty full on, tonight, hey.’

  I gave him a cautious sideways glance. His face was stern in profile, lit by the passing streetlights. He’d started to grow a reddish beard; it didn’t suit him.

  ‘Ryan’s prayer,’ I said. ‘I didn’t know Northside was pro-war.’

  Elliot frowned. ‘I wouldn’t say that. No one wants war, of course not. But you could argue that it’s a good idea to kick out cruel, oppressive tyrants who lock up and murder Christians.’

  ‘But Jay was at the rally; he marched for peace; he got beaten up!’

  ‘Jay was there on his own, it was nothing to do with church. He was beaten up by anti-war protesters, Bridie. People from your side, students probably, like the police said. They must have seen his placard and got the wrong idea, just like you. They thought he was pro-war.’

  ‘What did his placard say?’

  ‘Jesus loves our soldiers.’

  All this time I’d assumed Jay and I were on the same side, that it was skinheads, pro-war marchers, who had attacked him. And maybe he wasn’t exactly for the war, but it seemed he wasn’t exactly against it, either. I covered my mouth with my hand.

  Without warning, Elliot swerved the car and pulled over to the side of the road. He turned off the engine and swung around to face me.

  ‘I wasn’t there,’ he said abruptly. ‘He asked me to go with him, and I said no. I knew this might happen. I knew people would think he was supporting the war. I didn’t want to be … tainted. But I should have been there. I should have been looking after him. He’s my little brother, you know? I let him down.’

  ‘It wasn’t your fault,’ I said. ‘You couldn’t know what would happen.’

  ‘The stupid thing is, I do think Jesus loves our soldiers. But I think He loves the other side’s soldiers too.’

  ‘Even if they don’t believe in Him?’

  ‘For sure. Look, if God’s real – if God’s love is real – He can’t have favourites.’

  ‘If God’s real?’ I said in a small voice.

  Elliot let out a deep breath, and looked away. ‘Sometimes … sometimes I wonder, these days.’

  There was a pause while cars flashed past us.

  ‘You’re not too sold on the creation thing either, are you?’ I said.

  ‘I don’t know, Bridie. Your mum gave me a lot to think about in those lectures last year. I believe God created the universe. But not in six days! I know my Bible, I could practically recite the whole Book of Genesis to you right here and now. But it’s poetry, yeah? It’s symbolic, a myth, a beautiful story. It’s the spirit of it that’s important, not taking every single word literally. But Dad says––’ Elliot fell silent, clearly not wanting to say anything disloyal about Pastor Matt. ‘I shouldn’t be talking to you like this,’ he said softly. ‘I’m supposed to help you overcome your doubts, not tell you mine.’

  ‘It’s like we’re in the same place,’ I said. ‘We’re both on the edge of believing – only you’re inside looking out, and I’m outside looking in.’

  Elliot breathed a soft, surprised laugh. ‘Yeah. That’s exactly right. Fringe dwellers of the faith, that’s us.’ He turned his head, trying to see my face in the dim light. ‘Bridie, are you and my brother …?’

  ‘No,’ I said at once. ‘No, we’re just friends.’

  Elliot shifted in his seat. He leaned in my direction and, with a shock like electricity, I knew, I just knew he was going to kiss me. I twisted my body towards him, but the seatbelt caught and held me. For a split second we were stupidly frozen, straining toward each other. And then Elliot pulled back and turned away. He didn’t look at me.

  ‘Better get you home,’ he said, and twisted the key in the ignition.

  I stared straight ahead without seeing the road, my heart thumping. When we reached my suburb, Elliot asked for directions, and I felt a fizz of disappointment that he couldn’t remember where I lived.

  He stopped the car outside my house. I could hardly breathe, wondering if he was going to try to kiss me again, but he stayed locked in his seat, hands clamped to the wheel.

  ‘If you ever want to talk, you know, you can ring me,’ I said.

  Elliot’s eyebrows shot up. ‘That’s what I’m supposed to say to you. I’m the youth leader.’

  ‘Well, you need someone to talk to, too.’

  ‘Yeah.’ He looked straight ahead, and repeated it softly.

  ‘Yeah. Thanks, Bridie.’

  I watched him drive away. The tail-lights vanished round the corner, and he was gone. The street was empty, and I felt empty too. I fumbled in my bag for my key, and let myself inside.

  FOR THE NEXT couple of days I m
oved around in a kind of muddled haze. You’ll have to make a choice, Mum had said. I hadn’t wanted to believe her, but now I had too many choices to make.

  Overnight, Northside had stopped feeling like home. They thought the war might be a good thing; they rejected evolution. I always rolled my eyes when Mum raved on about science. I made out I wasn’t interested, but it seemed that science had seeped into my bones. It was part of who I was. I couldn’t deny it. But would they let me belong to Northside if I didn’t deny it? Had Stella been right all along?

  And as for the war, even Elliot seemed to think that it might be worth killing thousands of people and destroying cities, to throw out a bad government. But I couldn’t bring myself to believe that, and I couldn’t believe that God wanted it, either. There had to be a better way.

  I imagined arguing about it with Elliot. In fact, I couldn’t stop thinking about Elliot, about that moment in the car when he’d leaned toward me. At school, on the bus, in bed at night, I dreamed that the moment continued, that his arms folded round me, his lips brushed mine, then crushed against them.

  I tormented myself wondering if I should tell Jay. But tell him what? It wasn’t like anything actually happened; maybe I imagined the whole thing. And it wasn’t as if anything had ever happened between me and Jay, either. I didn’t owe him anything. Did I?

  I knelt in my bedroom and tried to pray. Dear God, give me a sign. Does Elliot like me? But I disgusted myself. Surely Almighty God had better things to do than send down a lightning bolt to help me with my teenage crush. You can’t ask God to perform party tricks.

  I opened my Bible at random and scanned the pages for a message. But it only offered disconnected words like May this water enter your stomach and cause it to swell up, or The second beast looked like a bear standing on its hind legs. So much for seeking guidance from the Word of God. I knew there was wisdom in these pages, but it was muffled by so much static I couldn’t hear it.