by Laura Wolf
Congratulations and Felicitations on your recent engagement.
Barry
Barry is the office butt-kisser and resident troublemaker. If you’re late for work or leave early or happen to miss a deadline, Barry is the one to let everyone know about it. He’s nosy, obsequious, and calculating. Unfortunately, in addition to sharing a secretary, the ever-lovely Kate, we’re both Associate Features Editors, which means that someday, when Mr. Spaulding leaves, retires, or is secretly murdered in his sleep by Barry, one of us will have his job. And the other one won’t. Barry almost had an aneurysm when I got the “Faces in the City” issue.
But today I’d barely been in my office five seconds when Barry burst through the door—grand, effusive, and smacking of disingenuousness.
BARRY
Oh good, you got the flowers. I ordered them the minute I heard the fabulous news. Congratulations. It’s just stupendous.
ME
Why the sudden interest in my private life?
BARRY
Don’t be silly. We’re a family here. You and I are like siblings.
Cain and Abel, anyone?
BARRY
So have you set a date yet?
ME
No.
BARRY
Well hurry up and get on that. You wouldn’t want that man of yours to chicken out.
ME
Don’t worry.
BARRY
Who’s worried? I’m thrilled! Now tell me how Dream Boy popped the question.
There’s no way I’m telling Barry about my concession-line proposal.
ME
Did you remember to wish Mr. Spaulding happy birthday?
BARRY
His birthday isn’t until June 15th. He’s a Gemini.
ME
That’s odd. He loved the birthday card I gave him this morning.
And before you could say “brown-noser” he was out the door.
august 26th
I’ve decided to forgive Anita’s less than enthusiastic endorsement of my wedding plans and ask her to be my maid of honor. She’ll keep me laughing, honest, well dressed, and entertained—even if she maligns the concept of marriage in between shots of Jagermeister. Short of asking her to bear my child, it’s the greatest compliment I can give her. And honestly, she’s been my best friend since she hustled me into the ladies’ room during a press conference, to inform me that I’d tucked my skirt into my pantyhose. So she deserves it. I just hope Mandy isn’t too upset when she finds out.
Who am I kidding? Mandy’s so self-absorbed these days she barely notices Jon.
august 27th
ANITA
I know this is supposed to be an honor and I’m flattered that you thought of me. But I just can’t get into it.
ME
What do you mean you can’t get into it? Does that mean you’re saying no?
ANITA
Exactly.
ME
You can’t say no. No one ever says no to that question. Besides, you’re my best friend. It’s the greatest compliment I can give you.
ANITA
Come on, Amy. You know how I feel about marriage. From where I stand the only thing worse than being someone’s maid of honor would be bearing their child.
august 28th
I knew Mandy would appreciate the maid of honor position. With her high regard for marriage and the “show of shows” that are weddings, she would acquit herself admirably in the role. She will provide me with the perfect balance of support, guidance, assistance—and, when necessary, fealty.
Crass as that sounds, I’ve begun to sense that fealty will have its moments in this ritual. As will loose tea, pink balloons, and prissy little finger sandwiches at my Stepford Wives bridal shower.
ME
Listen, Mandy. You’ve been one of my best friends since college and I can’t think of a better way to express my appreciation than to ask you to be my maid of honor.
I practiced this speech several times before delivering it. I’ve cherished Mandy ever since she held back my hair while I vomited profusely from my first encounter with grain alcohol. So it was important to me that she knew my offer was sincere and heartfelt. Because it was.
But most of all I wanted to ensure that she’d say yes, because the thought of two people refusing to be my maid of honor was just too damn depressing.
MANDY
So you finally got around to asking me. I guess this means Anita said no.
ME
Who told you?
MANDY
You did. Just now.
ME
Shit!
MANDY
What were you thinking, asking Anita to be your maid of honor? That’s like inviting Kate Moss to the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
ME
Well…
MANDY
Anyway, I’d be delighted to be your maid of honor.
ME
Oh thank goodness! It really means a lot.
MANDY
It should. You clearly need all the help you can get. Although I can’t possibly do anything until after my own wedding.
ME
Of course. But what do you mean I need help? I’ve got everything under control.
MANDY
Do you have a wedding date?
ME
No.
MANDY
A wedding dress?
ME
No.
MANDY
A wedding song?16
ME
No. But I’ve read all the bridal magazines and I’ve compiled a detailed list of things to do.
MANDY
No offense, but those magazines are worthless. With the possible exception of the one by Martha Stewart.
Hey, she’s not related to Stephen, is she?
ME
Not that I know of.
MANDY
Too bad. Anyway, the fact remains that any bride worth her floral budget knows that the single most essential tool when planning a wedding is the Beautiful Bride book.
So Mandy had been holding out on me. Sure, she could have mentioned the Beautiful Bride book weeks ago when I first announced my engagement. But no. She had to see me squirm until I finally got around to asking her to be my maid of honor. Talk about passive-aggressive.
Luckily I really do have things under control. The date and the dress can be chosen in under fifteen minutes. As for the song—has anyone ever heard a little ditty entitled “Here Comes the Bride”? Please. As much as I want to benefit from Mandy’s experience, I refuse to succumb to her neuroses.
* * *
16 SONG?!
august 29th
Not surprisingly, Beautiful Bride’s glossy cover boasts a picture of an attractive blonde dressed like a bride. I’ve decided to name her Prudence.
Prudence has creamy white skin free of wrinkles, pores, and pimples. Her hair is molded into a massive bun that should protect her from falling debris in the event that she passes a construction site. But if she is wounded at a construction site, the tiaralike ornament mounted on top of her massive bun will undoubtedly transmit an emergency distress signal along any of the AM frequencies.
And don’t for a minute think Prudence broke the bank on the tiara and skimped on the gown. Her elaborate taffeta dress could easily make bed skirts for all of Kensington Palace.
But what alarms me about Prudence is her smile.
It’s big and long as if the corners of her mouth have been stretched back and taped to her earlobes, and her teeth, polished to a high-intensity white, bulge in an effort to break free.
It’s the smile of someone struggling to convince herself she’s happy.
august 30th
I introduced Stephen as my fiancé for the first time today. Very strange. It was like telling someone he’s my brother. Or my gynecologist. It had to be a lie. How could he be my fiancé? That would mean I’m getting married. And how ridiculous is that?
So I dissolved into laughter.
I have seen the future. It’s not pretty.
Mandy’s bridal shower was today. Her sister, Kendall, threw it in the Cranbrook Hotel. The Cranbrook is famous for its Women Only policy. When it realized that the policy had failed to ensure chastity within its hallowed halls it adopted a tacit, constitutionally illegal, albeit impossible to prove policy of no homosexuals. What a warm and embracing environment in which to celebrate love.
I only knew a handful of the shower guests from college. The rest were women whom Mandy had met over the years who share her love of shelter magazines, summers in the Hamptons, and QVC. Bubbly young women whose nail polish matched their lipstick and whose legs were always crossed.
For what seemed like an eternity we “oohed” and “aahed” over gifts, giggled innocently at lingerie barely racy enough to get a clock-radio started, and used the discarded ribbons to decorate a paper plate for Mandy to wear as a hat. As an expression of my affection and to assuage my guilt over not asking her to be my maid of honor first (especially since I was busted on it), I maxed out my credit card and bought Mandy an extraordinarily expensive tea set. I knew she’d love it. Martha Stewart did.
During this time I kept discussion of my own engagement to a minimum and actively avoided the topic of wedding proposals. The last thing I wanted was the outpouring of pity that my concession-stand wedding proposal was certain to elicit from this crowd.
The highlight of the event was seeing Mandy eat. She’s been starving herself since May. If it’s not steamed, poached, or in a Jenny Craig wrapper, she’s not going for it. But today she celebrated by eating a slice of cake so thin you could shine a light through it. Afterward, to alleviate her potential consternation, one of the guests offered her an Ex-Lax. Clearly love has no bounds.
As I drank my peach-flavored iced tea I began to worry. I don’t want a bridal shower like this. A cookie-cutter affair that follows all the “rules” and bores me to tears. I’m not like those Bubbly Young Women. I’m creative. I’m rational. I don’t cross my legs when I sit on the toilet! My bridal shower should be exciting. A gambling junket to Atlantic City. All-night club-hopping. Naked karaoke. Anything but a lobotomized gathering featuring laxatives and cake. Where’s the fun in that?
Ugh.
september 1st
Beautiful Bride is closer to a computer circuitry book than a primer for weddings. It’s filled with pointers, tips, rules, charts, diagrams, and a ton of very fine print.
I’ve only been engaged for a month and already I’m three months behind “schedule.” Who knew I had a schedule? I don’t even have a wedding date yet.
Additionally, it appears that I’ve left a number of very important items off my list.
Official THINGS TO DO List
1. Choose wedding date
2. Tell boss wedding date
3. Vacation time for honeymoon
4. Decide on honeymoon
5. Get minister
6. Choose reception venue
7. Make guest list
8. Choose maid of honor
9. Choose best man
10. Register for gifts
11. Arrange for engagement party
12. Buy engagement ring
13. Buy wedding rings
14. Buy wedding dress
15. Choose maid of honor dress
16. Order wedding cake
17. Hire caterer
18. Hire band for reception
19. Order flowers for ceremony
20. Buy shoes
21. Plan rehearsal dinner
22. Invites to rehearsal dinner
23. Hire musicians for ceremony
24. Decide on dress code
25. Get marriage license
26. Hire videographer
27. Hire photographer
28. Order table flowers
29. Order bouquets
30. Order boutonnieres for men
31. Order nosegays for women
32. Order invitations
33. Decide on wine selection
34. Postage for invitations
35. Choose hairstyle and makeup
36. Buy gifts for attendants
37. Buy thank-you notes
38. Announce wedding in newspaper
39. Buy headpiece
40. Buy traveler’s checks for honeymoon
41. Apply for visas
42. Get shots and vaccinations
43. Order tent if necessary
44. Order chairs/tables if necessary
45. Make budget
46. Divide expenses
47. Make table-seating charts
48. Choose bridesmaid dress
49. Decide on menu
50. Decide on hors d’oeuvres
51. Decide on dinner-service style
52. Decide on staff-guest ratio
53. Decide seated or buffet
54. Reserve vegetarian meals
55. Reserve band/photographer/videographer meals
56. Make photo list
57. Choose hotel for wedding night
58. Hire limo for church-reception transport
59. Buy guest book for reception
60. Find hotel for out-of-towners
61. Decide on liquor selection
62. Hire bartenders
63. Verify wheelchair accessibility
64. Choose processional music
65. Choose recessional music
66. Choose cocktail music
67. Choose reception music
68. Choose ceremony readings
69. Prepare birdseed instead of rice
70. Schedule manicure/pedicure/wax
september 2nd
My parents keep their wedding album neatly filed between a biography of Eleanor Roosevelt and a Sidney Sheldon paperback that my baby-sitter left behind in 1976.
As kids, Nicole and I would flip through the album and laugh at how funny everyone was dressed. Our dad in a beige tuxedo. And Gram, impossible to miss, in her floor-length gown covered with giant gold sequins.
But now when I think about that wedding album it’s my parents’ youth that strikes me most. They were barely in their twenties. My father had just been hired as a manager at the local supermarket and my mother was studying for her teaching certificate. They had no idea what life had in store for them. Yet their joy is impossible to deny.
This is what I see in my relationship with Stephen—a love that’s strong enough to brave an unknown future, joyfully.
september 4th
I met Mandy for lunch today. It’s less than three weeks until her wedding, so I expected the usual hysteria about place cards and hors d’oeuvres and wine selections. But there was none. Far from hysterical, she was truly depressed. Apparently her mother and her aunt had a fight about her aunt not giving Mandy and Jon an engagement gift and now her aunt won’t come to the wedding. It seems her aunt withholds gifts as a way of expressing her dissatisfaction. When pressed, she told Mandy’s mother that she was dissatisfied with the graduation gift Mandy’s family had given her own daughter three years earlier. It was too cheap and thoughtless. When Mandy’s grandmother heard this she got so mad at the aunt that she decided to disinherit her. This made Mandy’s cousins so angry that now they won’t come to the wedding either. It all sounded ridiculously petty.
But it did make me appreciate my family. Bud and Terry Thomas may be stingy with their enthusiasm, but at least they’re not dysfunctional. Which is good, because Stephen and I have chosen June 2nd as our wedding date, and nothing is more unpleasant than dysfunction under a hot summer sun.
september 5th
Wedding planners. What a joke. I’ve already made an impressive dent in my “Things To Do” list.
Official THINGS TO DO List
1. Choose wedding date
2. Tell boss wedding date
3. Vacation time for honeymoon
4. Decide on honeymoon
5. Get minister
6. Choose
reception venue
7. Make guest list
8. Choose maid of honor
9. Choose best man
10. Register for gifts
11. Arrange for engagement party
12. Buy engagement ring
13. Buy wedding rings
14. Buy wedding dress
15. Choose maid of honor dress
16. Order wedding cake
17. Hire caterer
18. Hire band for reception
19. Order flowers for ceremony
20. Buy shoes
21. Plan rehearsal dinner
22. Invites to rehearsal dinner
23. Hire musicians for ceremony
24. Decide on dress code
25. Get marriage license
26. Hire videographer
27. Hire photographer
28. Order table flowers
29. Order bouquets
30. Order boutonnieres for men
31. Order nosegays for women
32. Order invitations
33. Decide on wine selection
34. Postage for invitations
35. Choose hairstyle and makeup
36. Buy gifts for attendants
37. Buy thank-you notes
38. Announce wedding in newspaper
39. Buy headpiece
40. Buy traveler’s checks for honeymoon
41. Apply for visas
42. Get shots and vaccinations
43. Order tent if necessary
44. Order chairs/tables if necessary
45. Make budget
46. Divide expenses
47. Make table-seating charts
48. Choose bridesmaid dress
49. Decide on menu
50. Decide on hors d’oeuvres
51. Decide on dinner-service style
52. Decide on staff-guest ratio
53. Decide seated or buffet
54. Reserve vegetarian meals
55. Reserve band/photographer/videographer meals
56. Make photo list
57. Choose hotel for wedding night