by Laura Wolf
may 20th
My family is still stunned by Gram’s outburst concerning our Jewish roots. Considering how much energy we’re already expending to plan my wedding, and to deny Nicole’s divorce, it’s a miracle we’re not running to some clinic, begging for sedatives.
Thankfully, my mother, who for the first twenty-four hours was leaning toward official conversion for the entire family, has eased up on the issue. She’s come to her senses and agreed that my wedding should go ahead as planned—whether or not Gram chooses to attend. I suspect this has something to do with her realization that as an observant, kosher Jew she’d need to wash two sets of dishes and forgo bacon.
Meanwhile, Mandy insists I resolve the Stephen/Louise issue A.S.A.P. “How can you, in good faith, enter into a lifelong union with someone who may be cheating on you? A happy marriage is based on trust.”
She’s right.
So we’ve decided to go behind Stephen’s back and spend next Wednesday spying on him.
may 21st
We got our first R.S.V.P. for the wedding today. It was so exciting to see that familiar cream-colored envelope sitting in the mailbox.
And I can’t tell you how pleased I was to learn that Hans Lindstrom will be attending my wedding.
may 23rd
More R.S.V.P.s. People are actually coming to my parents’ house festively attired on June 22nd.
Now I have to get married!
may 24th
I’d been trying to reach Anita for the past week. I know she’s been busy; certainly every time I call her office she’s either in a meeting or on an important call. But for Christ’s sake, it’s Teen Flair. How important can it be? Have the Hanson boys cut their hair? Has cherry-flavored lip gloss been linked to weight gain?
Doesn’t she realize that my wedding is twenty-nine days away and I still don’t have my beautiful rhinestone hair comb? Had she even remembered her promise to take her niece Molly to the Bridal Building and buy it for me? Sure, Lucy’s blue enamel barrette was beautiful, but that hair comb was the finishing touch!
I kept trying.
ME
Hi, it’s Amy Thomas calling again. Is Ms. Jensen available?
ANITA’S SECRETARY
No, I’m afraid Ms. Jensen is in the ladies’ room.
ME
Again? That’s the fifth time today.
ANITA’S SECRETARY
Yes, well, I’m afraid Ms. Jensen is suffering from a urinary tract infection.
Wait a minute…a urinary tract infection? Anita was avoiding me just like I’d avoided Mandy!44
And who could blame her? I’ve called her ten times a day panicked about Stephen and Louise, complained incessantly about my dress, and even cried once or twice or seventeen times over my nonexistent shoes.
Anita’s secretary must have sensed my sudden horror, because she put me on hold. Moments later Anita answered the phone.
ANITA
Hi, Amy. What’s going on?
ME
Look, I know you’ve been avoiding me and I’m sorry that I’ve called you ten times today—
ANITA
Sixteen.
ME
Whatever. Just tell me if you and Molly went and got my hair comb.
ANITA
Yes, we went. No, we didn’t get the comb.
ME
Why not?
ANITA
Because it’s not a hair comb, Amy. It’s a tiara.
ME
Come on, Anita. You know how important that comb is to me, and you didn’t buy it because Mrs. Cho thinks it’s for kids?
ANITA
It is for kids. It’s what prepubescent girls wear in those pervy child beauty pageants.
ME
But it’s an integral part of my hairstyle!
ANITA
And you’re a thirty-year-old woman obsessing on some toddler’s Taiwanese tiara. Now calm down. I’ll call you later.
First of all, it’s Korean, not Taiwanese. Second, how the hell am I supposed to “calm down”?
Single people just don’t get it.
* * *
44 Except her secretary was obviously more of a “team player” than Kate ever was. Kate absolutely refused to use the UTI excuse.
may 25th
I no longer need to go undercover with Mandy in an effort to assess my fiancé’s fidelity.
The truth is OUT.
I dropped by Stephen’s office. Unannounced. Just a friendly “in the neighborhood, thought I’d say hello” visit. But no sooner did I push the elevator button than the doors opened wide, and off stepped Louise—with her tongue jammed down the throat of a HUNKY, SIX-FOOT-TALL BLOND WITH THE BODY OF AN ADONIS! Nothing at all like Stephen!
may 25th—11:30 PM.
The fact that I so easily lost faith in Stephen’s love is frightening. Nicole, the Stewarts, and Bianca Sheppard-Douglas-Izzard-Santos-Rabinowitz are all proof of the fragility of marriage.
But true love should be hard as a rock.
It’s something I see between the Brocktons, my parents, and though Stephen would kill me if he heard me say this, I also see it with his father and Misty. Love is strong, binding, and brave. It rises to the top—even if it is unpopular.
I know our love is strong. I really do. But I’ve got to remember that nothing survives without faith.
may 26th
We got our first official wedding gift today.
Stephen and I are now the proud, joint owners of a shiny seven-speed blender with an adjustable base.
may 27th
It’s amazing how much progress has been made since my mother ascended to the wedding-planner throne.
Chairs, tables, table linens, a tent, and the dance floor have all been rented. Bartenders have been hired. The floral design has been reconceived and orders have been placed. The menu has been revised.45 And the wine has been purchased. All in just two weeks. Asking my mother to help was the smartest decision I’ve made since deciding to marry Stephen.
And work’s back on track too. Since I’ll be honeymooning until mid-July, D-day on the proofs for my “Faces” issue is set at the second week of June. To make sure I meet that deadline I’ve instituted a new rule—no wedding-related phone calls at the office. And this time I’m sticking to it. Be it the florist or the bandleader, leave a message on my machine at home. And if it’s an emergency call, my mother. I’ve purchased a pager for her, which has convinced her fourth-grade students that she’s dealing drugs on the side. They are thoroughly delighted.
But that’s not to say that things at work are calm. On the contrary, tensions are running high. Barry spent the morning short-tempered and muttering as Fabrizio serenaded us with a medley from Gypsy. Somewhere around the chorus of “Everything’s Coming Up Roses,” Barry snapped.
“Dammit, Fabrizio, Sondheim’s a wordy lightweight with no passion!” Fabrizio gasped. Then shrieked, “Andrew Lloyd Webber’s a hack and a plagiarist!”
I was expecting fisticuffs.
But as much as Barry despises Sondheim, he knows Fabrizio’s the best temp we’ve had since Kate’s departure. So he directed the remainder of his frustration at me.
“You! This is all your fault. Kate didn’t sing Sondheim! Kate didn’t even know who Sondheim is! Now, for Christ’s sake, would you hurry up and get married? YOU’RE KILLING ME HERE!”
My pleasure, Barry, except I still don’t have shoes!
LY EVIL AND ENDLESS
Official ^ THINGS TO DO List
1. Choose wedding date
2. Tell boss wedding date
3. Vacation time for honeymoon
4. Decide on honeymoon
5. Get minister
6. Choose reception venue
7. Make guest list
8. Choose maid of honor
9. Choose best man
10. Register for gifts
11. Arrange for engagement party
12. Buy engagement ring
13. Buy wedding rings
14. Buy wedding dress
15. Choose maid of honor dress
16. Order wedding cake
17. Hire caterer
18. Hire band for reception
19. Order flowers for ceremony
20. Buy shoes
21. Plan rehearsal dinner
22. Invites to rehearsal dinner
23. Hire musicians for ceremony
24. Decide on dress code
25. Get marriage license
26. Hire videographer
27. Hire photographer
28. Order table flowers
29. Order bouquets
30. Order boutonnieres for men
31. Order nosegays for women
32. Order invitations
33. Decide on wine selection
34. Postage for invitations
35. Choose hairstyle and makeup
36. Buy gifts for attendants
37. Buy thank-you notes
38. Announce wedding in newspaper
39. Buy headpiece
40. Buy traveler’s checks for honeymoon
41. Apply for visas
42. Get shots and vaccinations
43. Order tent if necessary
44. Order chairs/tables if necessary
45. Make budget
46. Divide expenses
47. Make table-seating charts
48. Choose bridesmaid dress
49. Decide on menu
50. Decide on hors d’oeuvres
51. Decide on dinner-service style
52. Decide on staff-guest ratio
53. Decide seated or buffet
54. Reserve vegetarian meals
55. Reserve band/photographer/videographer meals
56. Make photo list
57. Choose hotel for wedding night
58. Hire limo for church-reception transport
59. Buy guest book for reception
60. Find hotel for out-of-towners
61. Decide on liquor selection
62. Hire bartenders
63. Verify wheelchair accessibility
64. Choose processional music
65. Choose recessional music
66. Choose cocktail music
67. Choose reception music
68. Choose ceremony readings
69. Prepare birdseed instead of rice
70. Schedule manicure/pedicure/wax
* * *
45 After weeks of negotiation, Jeb finally agreed to serve chicken breast if my mother promised to stop pressuring him about entering drug rehab.
may 28th
It was an act of desperation, but I have less than FOUR WEEKS. Can you really blame me for going to Manfield Blossom—one of the most expensive shoe stores in the entire world?
Let ye not be the first to cast a stone lest ye be in possession of a fabulous pair of wedding shoes!
The store, located just off Fifth Avenue’s rarefied shopping district, looks like a fancy gift box. It’s tiny and immaculate and filled with wildly expensive merchandise. Shoes for thousands of dollars. Handbags for the annual cost of an entire family of migrant laborers. You know you can’t afford to shop there just by looking at it. So I dressed up for the occasion. Not to celebrate my folly but to avoid detection. The last thing I wanted was to set off some snotty salesperson’s riffraff meter. Just let me shop in peace and quietly check out the price tags, without any hassle or humiliation.
And there they were. My wedding shoes. A pair of lovely cream-colored Mary Janes with a Holly Golightly twist—rich satin, a sturdy heel, and an understated square buckle.
One problem. They were $400.
Quick! If I cancel the bridesmaids’ bouquets and the band plays for three hours instead of four can I afford it? Yes! Minutes later a saleswoman dressed in skintight designer clothing was slipping the shoe of my dreams onto my foot—
Or was she?
My toes were in but the top of my foot wasn’t. The saleswoman was pushing the heel. I was pulling the strap. But the shoe refused to surrender. It wanted nothing to do with my foot. Then, adding insult to insult, the saleswoman looked up and said, “Your feet are too fleshy for our shoes.”
Too fleshy?! What? Like they should go on a diet? Be shipped to fat camp for the summer? Walk off a couple pounds? Is it my fault Manfield Blossom’s shoes are designed for anorexics with bony feet who can afford to pay exorbitant prices because they don’t spend money on food?
So much for avoiding detection.
may 29th
It’s official. I’m having an afternoon reception with a chicken buffet, New York state wine, and tap water. When I reminded my mother that some people don’t eat chicken she just scoffed. “It’s a wedding reception, not an airplane ride. We don’t need a selection.” She’s right. Screw ’em. No lobster risotto, French wines, or lamb. Value and size. Thanks, Mom. It’ll go great with my dress.
At least my bridesmaids will look good.
may 30th
Houston, we have a problem! Chapter Nineteen of BB clearly states that 25 percent of invitees will decline. We already have eighty-five acceptances and only two declines, with thirty-three still outstanding! What’s wrong with these people? Don’t they have anything else to do with their lives? Don’t they know we’ve only budgeted for ninety?!
To make matters worse, Stephen’s brother, Tom, is suddenly refusing to wear a tuxedo. He needs to be “special.” Oh, he’s special all right. How about a straitjacket and a muzzle?
Meanwhile we’ve got to go to Bianca’s wedding next weekend. I would have completely forgotten about it if Mandy hadn’t asked if we wanted to split a gift with her and Jon. She says that etiquette declares it unnecessary to send gifts for a fifth wedding, but she felt badly sending nothing. Since I can barely afford to keep my utilities on, I think I’ll just wait for wedding Number Six.
june 1st
Barry has managed to convince Mr. Spaulding to reschedule the “Faces in the City” advertisers meeting from June 18th to Friday, June 21st. Something about “better timing.” For everyone but me.
Creep.
Barry knows that my rehearsal dinner is upstate that Friday night. He knows that I was intending to take the day off, to spend it with my parents, preparing for one of the biggest days of my life. But the advertisers meeting is crucial to the “Faces” issue. To my “Faces” issue. It would be totally irresponsible of me not to be there. And there’s no way in hell I’m letting Barry take my place.
Weasel.
So there’s only one thing to do. When Stephen goes upstate on Friday morning to help his parents with the rehearsal dinner, I’ll have him bring all my wedding things. This way I can take the train straight from the advertisers meeting to the dinner.
Work, dinner, wedding, clothes…I can do it. I can do it.
june 2nd
With Louise’s help, Stephen has successfully delivered his computer program. Yippee!!!46
The whole office finished the day with a case of champagne and a sigh of relief. They have a new product to release in September, the business will stay afloat, and Stephen still has a job. He’s so happy!
And totally relaxed. He actually asked if there was anything he could do to help with the wedding.
There are barely three weeks left—Is he kidding me?!
* * *
46 And Yippee! for the lovely and talented Louise, who has moved in with Sten, the sexy Swede she was groping in the elevator.
june 3rd
Capitalizing on Stephen’s free time, we went to City Hall to get our marriage license. Luckily in New York State you don’t need a blood test. Just a ballpoint pen, valid identification, and some cash will send you on your way to legal matrimony.
Welcome to the practical side of marriage.
Although the marriage office was dingy and cramped, anticipation filled the air. Stephen and I were among fifty couples all waiting to profess their undying love for each other—to the government. That’s right. Tell the Census B
ureau, the tax man, and my congresswoman that we’re in love, dammit!
You could almost hear the office clerks thinking, “Fools. You’ll be back. And next time, bring correct change.” But even the bureaucratic indifference to affairs of the heart couldn’t dampen our spirits. Every couple was holding hands and grinning.
And when the clerk asked what my name would be after marriage, I proudly became Amy Thomas-Stewart. Legally able to call myself Amy Thomas or Amy Stewart, I was still, most important, me.
june 4th
The floodgates have opened and the presents are pouring in. According to Chapter Forty-two of BB, guests have a year after the wedding to send a gift, but already my apartment’s teeming with cardboard boxes and Styrofoam pellets. It’s almost enough to make me forget how much this event’s costing us.
Almost.
* * *
Dear Mr. and Mrs. Kendilinski,
We greatly apreciate the blender you sent us for our wedding. It will undoubtedly aid in our culinary adventures.
Sincerely,
Amy and Stephen
* * *
Dear Cousin Jane,
We greatly apreciate the iron you sent us for our wedding. As neither Stephen nor I possess any skill in this area, we are hopeful that your gift will assist us. I was, however, sorry to learn that you will be unable to attend our wedding. Perhaps we can get together sometime after our honeymoon.
Warmest regards,
Amy and Stephen
* * *
Dear Mr. Munson,
We greatly apreciate the Aboriginal death mask you sent us for our wedding. My future father-in-law informs me that you spend much of your free time in Papua, New Guinea, so we delight in knowing the authenticity of such a unique gift. Certainly I have never seen anything like it. It will be a lovely addition to our new home.