The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  “It was. In the very back. I can teach you how it works. First, you press and hold the Ctrl key and F4 key while using the numpad to enter how many units you want to divide your fleet into—”

  “No, that’s enough. I’m not going to bother with it.”

  I looked back at the monitor.

  The triangle corresponding to the had shriveled up like it’d been hit by some kind of shrink ray. Instead, I guess, there were twenty of those smaller triangles. I tried clicking one with the mouse pointer and the caption came up.

  Micromanagement?

  Of the little triangles numbered 01 through 20, some were continuing to exchange fire with , some were threading the gaps in the enemy fleet to explore the unmapped area of space, and some had turned around to assist the hard-pressed .

  Koizumi, explain this.

  “Well, you see…We’re allowed to divide our fleet into two or more groups and control them separately. Up to a maximum of twenty, I believe. That’s what it said in the instruction manual.”

  “How does that help?”

  “As you can see, our scouting capacity has improved significantly, since we’ve essentially added an additional twenty pairs of eyes. And there’s more. For instance, by dividing your fleet into two groups, one can serve as a decoy while the other circles behind the enemy. However, the disadvantages trump the advantages, so the computer society chose not to employ this tactic.”

  Koizumi drew his face near mine as he whispered in a voice that Haruhi couldn’t hear.

  “This method requires one person to control multiple units. When you focus on one unit, the others are sitting around like wooden dolls. Thus, controlling twenty of these groups at the same time is beyond human ability.”

  I pictured the flabbergasted looks on the faces of the residents in the room next door as I looked to my side.

  “Hey, Naga—”

  The staccato beat of Nagato’s pounding away at the keyboard with her fingers had elevated from a noisy clatter…to a roaring rumble.

  “U-um…If you hit it so hard, it’ll break…”

  Asahina offered a timid warning, but Nagato didn’t even give her a glance. I followed her gaze to discover that there wasn’t even a game window on her laptop screen. Instead there were a bunch of white characters on a black background, looking something like a BIOS setup menu on one of those ancient computers. And the text was scrolling by incredibly fast.

  “Yes?”

  Nagato didn’t even look at me as she questioned my gaze.

  “…Yeah.”

  Uh, Miss Nagato? What exactly might you be doing?

  There was so much psychological pressure from the sight of Nagato beating away at the keyboard that my mental ramblings were forced to take a more respectful tone.

  I took a quick glance at my own monitor to confirm that the twenty offspring were dancing around animatedly like tea stalks brought to life as they trifled with the enemy. There was no longer the issue of being unable to see the map…er, wait. I’m pretty sure I told you not to cheat.

  “I am not.”

  Nagato murmured in a neutral tone. Then she finally turned to look at me for the first time, though her fingers never missed a beat.

  “No special data manipulation is occurring. I am abiding by the set rules.”

  Asahina was leaning her small frame back in an apparent attempt to avoid Nagato’s gaze. Nagato continued to stare into my eyes.

  “I have not taken any action that is not allowed by this simulation program.”

  “R-really? Sorry about that, then.”

  I could sense this terrifying aura emanating from her short hair.

  However, the expression on Nagato’s face was as inorganic as always, so I was expecting her usual “Yes” followed by utter silence, but this time she continued speaking.

  An indictment of the enemy.

  “The actions of the computer society are what would be considered cheating.”

  At that moment Haruhi managed to successfully disengage her units from the units of .

  “So slow! Why am I slow? Will it speed up if I pour an energy drink on the computer?”

  It was clear that she was engrossed in jaunting up to the front lines with her fleet.

  I leaned over Asahina to whisper my question to Nagato.

  “What do you mean when you say that they’re cheating?”

  Nagato didn’t let up on her high-speed blind typing for a second as she gave her detached reply.

  “They are utilizing commands that do not exist on our computers, which afford them an advantage in this simulated space battle.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Nagato fell silent for a moment and blinked as though she were collecting her thoughts.

  “Their fog of war is off.”

  A murmur that was elaborated on in the same soft tone.

  According to her explanation, the “fog of war” had been turned off for the computer society at the beginning of the game. Naturally, there was no such convenient option in our version. I don’t even know what the difference would be, though. What does this mean?

  “With the fog of war on, players are obligated to scout the map. When the fog of war is off, that is no longer required. They have minimized their scouting efforts as they have become unnecessary.”

  Uh, so what does that even mean?

  “With the fog of war off, all areas of the map are illuminated.” Meaning…

  “The entire map, including our positions, was visible from the beginning.”

  That was easy to understand, for a Nagato explanation.

  “That is not all.”

  The stony-faced alien-made life-form continued her spiel in an indifferent voice.

  Based on what she said, the fleets were equipped with a warp function. That would explain how they were able to pop up at the perfect time. They had a five-hundred-year jump on the in terms of technology. It’d be like pitting infantry from the Warring States period against the Japan Ground Self-Defense Force 7th Division. We never had a chance to win, huh?

  “Yes.”

  Nagato confirmed my suspicion.

  “Defeat was our only option.”

  Was, huh? Past tense. So? What about now? I was hoping that she’d reiterate that sentence in the present tense, but the sight of faint emotion stirring in Nagato’s black eyes for the first time ever left me scratching my head a bit.

  “But you know, Nagato. I would prefer that you don’t use your alien powers. I understand that they pulled a fast one on us. Still, if we use that as a reason to use further bogus magic, that’ll make us no better than them. No, we’d be below them. Since your tricks break the physical laws of this planet.”

  “I am not disobeying your instructions.”

  Nagato’s reply came instantly.

  “I only wish to apply alterations to the program that conform to the current level of technology on Earth. No modifications will be made to the union of data in known space. Countermeasures will be implemented against the computer society. Permission?”

  Are you talking to me?

  “You are the one who set restrictions on my data-processing capabilities.”

  …

  It’s been half a year since we first met. I don’t mean to brag, but over the past six months I’ve become competent enough to pick up on the slight emotional changes—assuming that she’s even capable of feeling emotion—behind that taciturn mask of hers. Right now, Nagato’s pale face was clearly showing a picogram’s worth of determination.

  Asahina was gaping at me in surprise. Koizumi’s eyes were also on me, but he had a wry smile on his face. Haruhi was the only one yelling by herself while unloading her beams and missiles. At this rate she would run out of ammunition in the middle of the enemy formation. There wasn’t much time left for me to make up my mind.

  How do I respond?…That question only
required a few seconds of deliberation. Nagato was eager to do this. This was the first time I’d ever seen her like this. I couldn’t help but feel that this was a good sign. An organic android created by the Data Overmind that was identical in every way to an ordinary human. It was possible that she’d developed the cliché robot desire to become a human.

  And I didn’t see any problem with that.

  “Okay, Nagato. Go for it.”

  I gave her a smile of encouragement as I issued my figurative seal of approval.

  “You’re free to do whatever you want, as long as it’s within human capability. Deal the computer society a crushing blow. End this the way Haruhi would want, so they never come back to complain again.”

  Nagato stared at me for a long time. At least, it felt like a long time to me.

  “Yes.”

  And with that exceedingly short response, Nagato hit the Enter key and just like that, the tables were instantly turned.

  1647 hours.

  A cunning trap had already been placed.

  I was left dumbfounded by how abruptly everything was happening, which only served to show that my capacity for surprise was on the same level as that of little boys, training to be monks, who were still wet behind the ears. Our opponents from the computer society were probably panicking like Wall Street on the second day of the Great Depression.

  Everything came as a result of Nagato’s micromanagement technique. Good thing she’s on our side. I should probably make her an offering or two out of my own pocket. If I happen to see a book that looks interesting, I’ll buy it for her as a present. Come to think of it, when would her birthday even be?

  Well, I can think about that stuff later. For now, I’ll return to my commentary on the current situation.

  The enemy fleets had stopped in their tracks in a virtual visualization of the confusion the opposing players felt.

  Nagato had used her laptop to hack into the five computers of the computer society and directly tweak the program they were running. Don’t ask me how she did it. I wouldn’t know. In any case, her objective was to turn on our opponents’ fog of war. As a result, the had its visibility reduced significantly. Its screens would be a lot darker now, since it never had any need to send out scout vessels, and in fact hadn’t done so, according to our intelligence officer.

  Nagato had also rewritten the source code for ’s program so its fog of war would be locked in the “on” setting and added a layer of protection that prevented anyone else from changing the code again. However, she didn’t delete its warp function. Instead, she made some slight adjustments and left it intact. Part of the scheme Nagato had devised.

  All of this was done while she deftly micromanaged twenty separate groups without the assistance of any alien powers, so the fact that she was under the constraints of an ordinary human didn’t stop her from putting on a phenomenal performance.

  “Well, our chance has finally come.”

  Koizumi smiled cheerfully as he narrated the situation on the screen.

  “Take a look. and have lost sight of our position because of the interference from the numerous divisions of . is currently engaged in battle with me, and will soon be in range of .”

  “Enemy found!”

  Haruhi shouted with glee to confirm Koizumi’s commentary.

  “Fire! Fire! Fire!”

  Haruhi nearly banged her forehead on the monitor as she bellowed.

  The liberated launched a barrage of beams and missiles in every direction as she rushed toward the enemy fleet. The befuddled quickly turned to escape, but my was already waiting for him on the other side.

  “Here you go.”

  One slight motion by my finger sent all my beams shooting into the nose of .

  “Hey, Kyon! Those are mine! Let me have them!”

  The formation of the surrounded instantly fell apart. The quivering unit indicator eventually blew up with a small beep. One down.

  Haruhi set off in search of another target as she moved her fleet, the mobile fireworks dispenser, to ’s flank next. was already engaged with Koizumi and the addition of a second fleet to deal with led to its numbers’ being whittled down quickly.

  With the situation quickly worsening, must have decided that he was out of options. He finally resorted to using their secret command in plain sight of forces for the first time in this match.

  “Ah, he disappeared! Huh? How?”

  Haruhi cried out and I knew that it was finally time. vanished from its previous position in space, which was in the middle of a crossfire.

  Must be that warp thing. They should have come up with a better name. “Warp” is such an outdated term.

  However, this was the core of Nagato’s crafty trap.

  “Huh? Something else is appearing.”

  I listened to the sound of Haruhi’s voice, as I’d already stopped.

  “Eek?!”

  An adorable-sounding shriek escaped Asahina as she blinked at the monitor.

  “Kyon, the one I was controlling just went off somewhere…”

  wasn’t the only one to warp. The was left alone while every vessel, friend and foe, was teleported through space.

  Nagato had altered the program so that when a computer society fleet activated the warp function, all units on both sides, with the exception of the , would be simultaneously entered in a compulsory warp that sent each fleet to a designated position on the map.

  An eye for an eye, a cheat for a cheat. As long as you don’t go overboard.

  The shock being experienced next door would put the jolt from the fog of war’s being turned on to shame. For the first time I was able to see the computer society flagship fleet, (Dies something), on the screen. Once I saw his position, I had to shrug.

  “Karma’s a bitch.”

  The president’s was directly in front of the .

  Behind him at point-blank range was the unscathed , which had been transported in a similar fashion. The had taken a short warp to secure his starboard side while the had regrouped to handle the port side. The significantly smaller was standing by to the side. I looked to see where the other computer society members were, to discover that the other four fleets had been transported to the corners of the vast map. They won’t be able to make it back in time.

  The full armada of the had the sole fleet of completely surrounded.

  “I don’t really get it.”

  Haruhi smacked her lips as she waved an arm in the air.

  “All ships fire everything you have! Let the enemy commander taste hellfire!”

  And with that signal Haruhi, Koizumi, Nagato, and I all simultaneously fired every weapon in our fleets. Asahina, who started to tremble upon hearing Nagato say “Fire” in a cold voice, also made her first strike of the day as she joined in bombarding the completely surrounded .

  “I’m sorry…” Asahina murmured.

  The computer society president was the one who had absolutely no idea what was going on. Since he’d been sitting in the back and watching the show when their fog of war cheat was disabled and he was suddenly warped into the middle of the enemy formation without ever touching a button.

  “Good…”

  Grief. I swallowed that last word. Koizumi smirked at me. I ignored him.

  I turned my attention back to the screen to find that the president’s fleet was squirming like an upside-down turtle as he was hit by a shower of short-range beams and a rain of missiles. Well, he deserved it this time. They were the ones who decided that they weren’t going to make things fair. St
ill, we can’t really criticize them when we have Yuki Nagato, whose very existence is unfair.

  Nagato never let up on her rapid input of weapon fire commands until the very end. The fleet unit counter was dropping as fast as the remaining ammo counter on an M61 Vulcan. The last remaining unit was taken out by a perfect snipe from the that was accurate to the last pixel, and that was the end of the enemy flagship.

  A simple fanfare began to play as flashing words appeared on all five monitors to signal that the game was over.

  YOU WIN!

  1501 hours.

  Ten minutes after the battle was concluded, someone knocked on the clubroom door.

  The computer society members came staggering in, including the president, who was noticeably subdued.

  “You got us. We were completely defeated. I’ll admit it. My apologies. I’m sorry. Please forgive us. We bow before you. We underestimated you. We were wrong. We were utterly destroyed.”

  The president had his head bowed down in front of Haruhi as she looked down on him like he was a sundial. The members of the computer society were pale and visibly shaken as they endured Her Excellency Haruhi’s stern glare.

  “I never would have thought that you’d be able to see through our trick so easily…I can’t deny that we used some underhanded methods. But still…I never expected someone to rewrite the game code while we were playing…Hard to believe…but it actually happened…”

  The president was glancing around the room as though he were in a world of make-believe. Haruhi raised one eyebrow.

  “What are you mumbling about? I don’t want to hear any excuses about why you lost. So, you remember your promise, right?”

  She cheerfully wagged a finger in front of the president’s face. She was so happy about winning that she didn’t even care to question the bizarre way we won. As far as she was concerned, a win was a win.

  “No more complaints, right? This computer belongs to me, and those laptops also belong to us. I won’t let you say that you forgot. If you do, I’ll make your life a living hell. Yes, I’ll start by penalizing you with ten laps around the grounds in the nude while screaming at the top of your lungs that you’re being chased by little green men.”