Dirty Devil

by Jackie Ashenden

  I pressed my fingertips against his warm cheek, my throat too tight to speak. I hadn’t expected him to be so honest with me. Somehow we’d gone from lightly flirting to deeply emotional, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with that. Deep emotions weren’t things that Mr Chen had liked to talk about.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said huskily, the words sounding ineffectual even as I said them. ‘I didn’t know that about the necklace.’

  ‘Why would you?’ He put his hand over mine where it rested on his cheek. ‘I haven’t told anyone else.’ His fingers curled around my hand and he brought it down to his mouth, kissing my palm. Then his smile came out again, brilliant and bright, and the grief disappeared as if it had never been. ‘Not too bad a legacy for Mum, though. Could have been worse.’

  I wanted to smile with him, but I didn’t. Because for the first time I realised that his smile was a deflection. A mask. A beautiful, stunning mask, but a mask all the same.

  And who was the man behind it? Was this glitzy lifestyle he led really him? And, if so, why? What did he get out of it? Or was there something else behind that too?

  ‘How?’ I asked. ‘How did you do it?’

  ‘Hard fucking work.’ That smile flashed again, hiding something. ‘Plus I met a couple of guys online who were in the same dire straits I was in. One of them just happened to be great with computers and had a way with crypto-currency.’

  ‘Ulysses White,’ I murmured. ‘And Everett Calhoun.’

  ‘That’s right. Everett’s the security guy. Ulysses is the money man.’

  ‘So what does that make you?’ The details on his role within Black and White were hazy. I’d kind of assumed, given his looks and his ease with people, that it was the PR side of things.

  His mouth took on a sly curve. ‘I’m the glue that holds it together.’

  ‘But how?’ I persisted. ‘What is it that you do?’

  ‘I collect jewels and beautiful women. I throw parties and live the lifestyle.’ He said the words casually, a throwaway, practised line. ‘I make sure everyone’s nice to each other.’

  ‘No, you don’t,’ I said. ‘And stop smiling. I can see right through it.’

  The smile on his face froze, the tarnished silver of his eyes taking on a sharp edge. ‘You’re an observant woman. Okay, then, tell me what you see.’

  I studied him for a long moment and he didn’t look away. ‘I see a beautiful man who dazzles people into thinking that’s all he is. But there’s more to you than that, isn’t there? Something you don’t want anyone else to know.’

  His gaze was absolutely unreadable. Then his mouth twisted and he gave a mirthless laugh, shaking his head. ‘Jesus, that’s the last time I ask that question, then.’

  ‘Well, you did ask.’

  ‘I know.’ His fingers tunnelled into my hair at the back of my head, his fingertips pressing lightly against my skull, as if he couldn’t stop touching me. He was an intensely physical man, as I was beginning to understand.

  ‘I’m right, aren’t I?’ I wasn’t sure why I was pushing him, since I hadn’t expected deep and meaningful when I’d said yes to staying with him, nor did I particularly want it. But that curious part of me wouldn’t let go. ‘You’re hiding something.’

  He tilted his head slightly. ‘We’re all hiding something.’

  It came to me then in a kind of rush that, though we might on the surface be quite different, we were also quite similar. Both of us were guarded, except while I stayed in the shadows, using them to hide me, he hid in plain sight. Using his looks and his charisma to deflect people.

  ‘I really wanted Mr Chen to adopt me,’ I said before I had a chance to think better of it, almost throwing the words at him, a gesture of trust. ‘But he’d always wanted his own kids. He didn’t want an adopted one. Especially not one like me.’

  Damian stared at me, his fingers drifting from my hair down to the back of my neck again, massaging gently. ‘Why not one like you?’

  Such a casual sounding question, yet it was loaded. Full of sharp edges like a handful of broken glass.

  Perhaps I shouldn’t have told him about my reckless adoption request, not when Mr Chen’s refusal didn’t exactly reflect well on me. Still, it was too late now.

  I swallowed. ‘He thought I needed to be calmer, quieter. That I was too needy. Too emotional. I tried to be calm and quiet, all those things, I really tried, but—’ I stopped.

  Damian was silent, his fingers on my skull moving in that gentle, massaging motion. Then at last he said, almost reluctantly, ‘I have an eidetic memory. It makes me very, very good at remembering things.’

  I blinked at the change of subject then found myself holding my breath. Because he’d given me something, hadn’t he?

  ‘I...see,’ was all I managed.

  ‘No, you don’t.’ He let out a breath. ‘The problem with remembering everything is that you end up forgetting nothing.’

  I wasn’t sure why but a chill collected in my gut. ‘You don’t forget anything? Ever?’

  There was no smile this time. ‘No. Not a single fucking thing.’

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Damian

  FROM THE EXPRESSION on Thea’s face, I knew she didn’t understand. Why would she? No one did. Memories ate away at you, sank their teeth into you, and for most people it was time that made them let go. But not for me.

  Time did nothing for me. Those memories remained as real and as sharp as the day they’d been laid down.

  The sight of my mother’s beautiful face gone gaunt, hollowed out by her illness. The sound of her voice, ragged and uneven, asking me to make something of myself. Asking me to look after Morgan and make sure she was happy.

  Thea’s eyes darkened slowly and the crease between her brows deepened. ‘Why don’t you forget things?’

  I didn’t like talking about it. When I was a kid, I’d used my memory to impress other kids, like a dog doing tricks. But then as I’d got older, and realised what a fucking curse it was, I’d kept it quiet. Sure, it had helped me build the empire I had now, but it was a double-edged sword all the same.

  Thea’s hair was silky against my fingers, the delicate curve of her skull fragile. It was soothing to touch her, though I wasn’t sure why. Luckily she didn’t seem to mind.

  ‘My memory is eidetic,’ I said reluctantly. ‘And I have perfect recall. I remember everything.’

  I probably shouldn’t have told her and I don’t know why I did. Our conversation had turned quickly into something I hadn’t been expecting and what I should have done was to turn it back to flirty and fun.

  But, given what she’d told me about her past and her mentor, about how she’d wanted him to adopt her and how he’d refused, changing the subject had seemed...wrong. And, more importantly, dismissive.

  She was so guarded, yet she’d told me things that were intensely private, not to mention painful. And I had no idea why she wanted to trust me with those things, but I couldn’t repay a confidence like that by pretending they meant nothing.

  I’d had to give her something in return.

  ‘That’s amazing.’ The crease between her brows deepened as she searched my face. ‘It’s not amazing?’

  ‘No.’ It was only one word, but it was the only one I could say.

  She was silent a moment, studying me. ‘No,’ she echoed. ‘I guess it wouldn’t be. Especially, I imagine, when you have things you want to forget.’

  I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to go into it. And she seemed to understand, because she lifted her hand and touched me again, her cool fingertips brushing over my mouth. ‘I suppose most people forget the bad stuff over time.’ Her fingers trailed down to my jaw. ‘You don’t?’

  ‘No,’ I repeated, the word far too short and far too hard. ‘But, hey, that doesn’t stop me from trying.’ I forced out my usual smile, not want
ing to think about why it was suddenly difficult when it had never been difficult before. A smile covered everything, even the cracks in a person’s soul.

  But Thea ignored it, her expression serious. ‘What are you trying to forget?’

  ‘Careful, Sugar.’ I kept my tone light, because I didn’t want to talk about this any more. ‘Not sure you know me well enough to ask that question.’

  She looked contrite. ‘Sorry. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.’

  ‘Good. Because that’s not why you’re here, okay?’ I curled my fingers into a fist, her hair silky and soft against my skin as I drew her head back a little, baring her throat. ‘You’re here so we can both make each other feel good, and talking about the past is not part of that.’ I leaned forward and brushed my mouth over her throat, inhaling the familiar scent of my shower gel and the sweet smell of her body underlying it.

  She sighed, relaxing against me, the warm weight of her in my lap both arousing and calming at the same time, which I’d had no idea was even possible.

  ‘Okay,’ she murmured. ‘So, tell me the good things you remember, then.’

  That surprised me. I lifted my head and stared down at her. ‘Good things?’ I repeated blankly.

  ‘Yes. You must have some good memories.’

  Did I? Did I have any? For a second I couldn’t even think.

  I could tell her about the different pieces I’d collected or the women I’d fucked. The fine wines I’d drunk or the parties I’d attended. But all those suddenly felt empty. Meaningless crap I’d cluttered my head with so I didn’t have to think about the bad stuff.

  But the problem with meaningless crap was that it hid the good stuff too.

  ‘Good memories,’ I murmured, looking past her, thinking. ‘Yeah, there are a few. Hanging out with my mother in her dressing room, watching her get ready for a show.’ I smiled, remembering. ‘She loved dancing. Got all excited about it. And she always looked so pretty and glittery, laughing with the other dancers.’ I glanced down at Thea. ‘I was a serious kid, kind of boring, but she always made me smile. Made things fun. Sometimes she let me choose which costume she wore and all the accessories that went with it.’

  A ghost of a smile turned Thea’s mouth, faint but definitely there. ‘You? Serious?’

  ‘Yeah, I know. Impossible to believe, right? It’s true, though.’ Before the weight of all those responsibilities crushed me. Before I’d sent Morgan away, getting rid of the last burden. A selfish move; I knew that. But I’d had to protect myself somehow, because no one else was going to do the job.

  ‘So what changed?’ Thea asked. ‘What made you not so serious?’

  The conversation was starting to go in directions I wasn’t comfortable with again, so I lifted a shoulder and said carelessly, ‘Oh, you know, the usual bullshit. Life.’ I grinned. ‘But, about those memories, it wasn’t about the costumes or even the jewellery. It was about spending time with Mum, I guess. She was a happy person and she liked making people feel good.’

  If Thea recognised the subject change for what it was—avoidance—she gave no sign. ‘You like making people feel good too,’ she pointed out.

  She wasn’t wrong. I did like making people feel good—just as long as I wasn’t ultimately responsible for them.

  ‘It’s a shit job, but someone has to do it,’ I said, turning it into a joke and shrugging.

  But Thea didn’t smile. ‘You’re lucky to have had those times with your mother. And to be able to remember that.’

  I’d never thought it was lucky. Not when those memories only reminded me of what I’d lost. Then again, Thea had never had the memories of a mother at all, had she?

  ‘Yeah, I suppose I was lucky,’ I said slowly, something heavy shifting in my chest. ‘Funny how it’s always the bad stuff that sticks in your head.’

  ‘It always is.’ Another smile flickered over her face, brief and fleeting, but there. ‘What about your father? Do you remember him?’

  I could hear the hungry note in her voice and I found myself cradling the back of her head in my palm, my thumb stroking up and down the silky skin of her neck, as if my touch could ease that hunger.

  Christ, I didn’t know why I wanted to do that for her, share these memories with her, not when I preferred all my interactions with women to be on the surface or not at all. But she was getting something out of this, so what the hell?

  ‘I never knew my dad,’ I said. ‘Mum never told me who he was.’

  ‘But you have a little sister?’

  ‘Yeah. She’s technically my half-sister since she’s the result of a one-night stand Mum had when I was about five.’

  ‘And does she live here in Hong Kong?’

  ‘No, she’s in London.’ Another change of subject seemed like a good idea, so I went with it. ‘What about you? You have a boyfriend or something anywhere that I should know about? Because if you do you really should have told me way before this.’

  Thea looked away, her lashes sweeping down and veiling her gaze. ‘No. I don’t have a boyfriend.’

  ‘Well, not one you’ve slept with, I guess.’

  ‘I don’t have one at all.’ Her voice was steady and calm, and if I hadn’t been listening I wouldn’t have heard the edge in it. ‘I’ve never had one.’

  ‘Never?’ I asked, surprised despite myself.

  ‘Mr Chen was very clear. We couldn’t have...attachments. It was too risky for the business.’

  Shit, that sounded terrible. Especially for a passionate woman like her.

  ‘Even friends?’ Part of me didn’t want to ask because I had a feeling I already knew the answer. ‘Anyone at all?’

  She didn’t look at me, her gaze on my chest. ‘Not really. I had a pet once. A bird. But he sang too loudly and it drew attention. Mr Chen didn’t like attention.’

  Christ. My past was pretty crap, but at least I’d had Morgan, Ulysses and Everett. But poor Thea had had no one. No one at all.

  No wonder she’s hungry. She needs contact.

  I kept on stroking her, her skin warm beneath my fingers. ‘And since his death?’

  Her shoulder lifted. ‘I had to protect his legacy and he was very clear how it had to be done. I’ve never been caught and there’s a reason for that.’ She paused, then added, ‘I never thought I was lonely. Not until...’ She stopped again, clearly reluctant.

  The heavy thing in my chest shifted, and even though I knew what was coming and dreaded it I put a finger beneath her chin and tilted her head up so I could see her face anyway. ‘Until?’

  Her gaze was very dark. ‘Until I met you.’

  That latent protectiveness inside me tightened and I wanted to shove it away hard, pretend it didn’t exist. Because I didn’t want vulnerability. I didn’t want her to look at me the way she was looking at me right now, as if I could give her what she needed, because I couldn’t.

  But I couldn’t ignore what she’d said either. Or at least, I could, but that would hurt her and I didn’t want to hurt her. So I tried some distraction instead, stroking her with my other hand, my fingers finding the little knots of tension at the nape of her neck and massaging gently. ‘I’m sorry, Sugar. That can’t have been easy.’

  She leaned back, arching her neck, her eyes half-closed once more, clearly enjoying my touch. ‘No, it wasn’t. What about your sister, then? Tell me about her.’

  It was a change of subject I was more than ready to let her have, even though I didn’t particularly want to talk about my sister.

  ‘Morgan?’ I said. ‘She’s about five or so years younger than me and probably ten times smarter. She manages Black and White’s PR, and somehow also manages to keep Ulysses in line, which requires some massive fucking patience.’

  Thea’s mouth softened and her lashes lifted slightly, the darkness of her eyes gleaming from underneath them. ‘You
care about her, don’t you?’

  The question caught me off-guard and the words slipped before I could stop them. ‘She’s my sister,’ I said simply. ‘I’d move heaven and earth for her if I could.’

  And yet you haven’t been to London in years. You haven’t seen her since you sent her away.

  Yeah, because it was easier to be here in Hong Kong, away from her. Where she wasn’t in my face, asking me questions I didn’t want to answer, reminding me of a responsibility I never asked for and didn’t want.

  ‘She’s lucky to have you for a brother,’ Thea said and there was a huskiness to her tone, the faint edge of longing.

  I wanted to tell her that Morgan was far from lucky to have me for a brother. That I’d had to make some shitty choices and those choices had ended up hurting her, no matter how many times I’d smiled at her, hoping to make the bad things go away.

  That caring about people was nothing but a god damned burden and I didn’t want it any more.

  But I didn’t tell Thea any of that.

  Instead, I smiled the same empty smile that I knew she could see right through, because that was all I knew how to do when it came to handling this type of bullshit.

  Her gaze narrowed slightly, but all she said was, ‘You must be looking forward to seeing her, then.’

  ‘What? For the non-profit launch?’ I tried to stay relaxed, tried not to tense up at the thought of having to face Morgan in the flesh after so long. Going to London hadn’t been my choice but there was no way to avoid it. The launch was too important and I had to be there.

  I figured I’d just pretend that five years hadn’t passed since I’d seen her. That everything was fine and nothing was wrong, nothing at all.