Dirty Devil

by Jackie Ashenden

  ‘I can and I know you well enough. Well enough to fall in love with you anyway.’

  His mouth twisted in a kind of snarl and he let me go, stepping back at the same time, putting distance between us. ‘That’s not what we agreed.’

  I felt cold now he wasn’t near, but I didn’t make any attempt to get close. ‘I know it’s not what we agreed. But it happened anyway.’

  ‘So what do you want?’ he demanded, anger suddenly glowing bright in his eyes. ‘You want me to love you back? Is that it?’

  My heart was a hot, tight knot in my chest and a dull kind of pain was echoing through me. I wasn’t sure why it hurt so much. This was always going to have been his reaction and he’d warned me right from the start.

  ‘No, I don’t want anything from you.’ I swallowed back the ache, lifting my chin and meeting his gaze head on. ‘I told you that already.’

  ‘Then why did you say it?’ He looked at me as if I’d betrayed him. ‘Fuck, Thea. Don’t you know this changes everything?’

  He was right, it did. And maybe if I’d been the Thea of a week or so ago I would have told him that it didn’t change anything; that he could pretend I hadn’t said it, that it didn’t mean a thing.

  But I wasn’t that Thea any more. I wasn’t the poor little ghost happy with some sex and fun and a few smiles. With a nice gown and some pearls. Who would tell him that it didn’t matter, that I was happy with whatever he wanted to give me.

  Because the truth was, I wasn’t happy with that. I wanted more. I needed more. And he was the one who’d showed me that.

  ‘You’re right.’ I tried to keep my voice steady, tried to stay calm. ‘It does change things. But perhaps things need to change.’

  ‘Thea—’

  ‘I’m tired, Damian,’ I went on, needing to say it. ‘I’m tired of not wanting more than what people are prepared to give me. I’m tired of pretending that I’m not lonely. That I don’t need someone to laugh with or someone to hold me when I’m sad. Tired of pretending I don’t want a family or friends.’ I stopped, my heartbeat thundering, a gritty feeling behind my eyes. ‘I’m tired of pretending I don’t need someone to love me, because I do. I really do.’

  A fleeting look of anguish crossed his handsome face and then it was gone. He smiled, but it was a fake one this time, the one that didn’t reach his eyes. That didn’t make my heart feel like a flower blooming in the sun. ‘Then I’m sorry, Sugar,’ he said casually, ‘but you’ve got the wrong man. You can’t have any of that with me.’

  My throat was so tight I could barely swallow, the dull pain throbbing in my chest. ‘No,’ I said thickly. ‘But I could. If you weren’t so afraid.’

  He went very still at that and I knew I’d hit the mark.

  Of course he was afraid and I knew why. Love for him had been all about demand, never about giving. I’d tried to give him what I could, but it clearly hadn’t been enough. And maybe it never would be.

  Maybe in the end, I just wasn’t enough for him as I hadn’t been enough for Mr Chen.

  ‘Thea,’ he began, a harsh note in his voice.

  But I was done. ‘Don’t,’ I said shortly. ‘Don’t say anything else.’ I could feel the weight of the pearls around my neck and suddenly it was unbearable. A reminder of what he’d given me and how it paled in comparison to what I really wanted. I reached for them and dragged them off, coiling the necklace around my hand and holding it out to him. ‘Here, take them.’

  His gaze darkened as he glanced at the necklace, then back at me. ‘The pearls are yours. I don’t want them back.’

  ‘I don’t want jewels, Damian.’ I stared right into his eyes. ‘I only want you.’

  His mouth opened, but he didn’t speak.

  So I dropped the pearls in a heap at his feet.

  Then I turned and walked away, leaving him standing there.

  My heart breaking into tiny pieces as I went.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Damian

  I WATCHED THEA’S figure disappear into the crowd, the red silk of her gown fading, feeling as if something was trying to claw its way out of my chest from the inside, tearing and biting at me.

  But I ignored it. Because letting her walk away from me was easier. Simpler.

  For you, maybe. Not for her.

  Yeah, well, she shouldn’t have told me that she loved me, should she? She should have kept pretending that she didn’t care. I’d never promised her anything different. Sex, fun and pleasure. That was it.

  Yet as I bent to pick up the necklace she’d left at my feet, the pearls silky, smooth and still warm from her skin, I felt the pain echo through me. It was sharp, blinding. As if she’d stabbed me before she’d walked away.

  But, fuck, what else could I have done? I’d had to let her go.

  Love was a demanding master and I didn’t want to deal with it any more.

  She’s right—you’re afraid.

  Jesus, no, I wasn’t afraid. I just knew I’d fail her in the end, like I’d failed my mother and Morgan. Mum had died, despite what I’d done to try and save her, and Morgan’s life had been turned upside down. I hadn’t been able to save her either. So in the end it was better not even to try.

  No, it was good I’d let Thea leave. Her apparent love for me would fade over time, just like her memories. She would find another man who’d give her what she needed. That man just wouldn’t be me.

  Forcing away the terrible sense that I’d just made a catastrophic mistake, I shoved the pearls in my pocket and re-joined the party, pasting my usual bullshit smile on my face and acting as if nothing was wrong. And, hey, if I pretended hard enough it would be, right?

  Everett asked me at one point what had happened to Thea and I told him she’d gone home with a headache. He just looked at me as if I’d gone mad, which I didn’t understand. Ulysses didn’t seem to notice, which was par for the course with him, given he was socially challenged at the best of times, and this wasn’t even the best of times.

  The launch ended up being a huge success, the auction raising shitloads of money for the foundation and the cancer research facility, and after it was over I stayed on to drink champagne and laugh like I didn’t give a fuck, the way I always did. Using alcohol to blot out the memory of Thea’s retreating figure vanishing into the crowds.

  It wasn’t till much later that I finally made my way outside, to where the limo was sitting waiting for me. Only to find Morgan leaning against the side of it, her arms crossed.

  Ah, shit. I’d been going to talk to her and had psyched myself up to do it at the beginning of the evening. But now Thea was gone, all I could think about was avoiding Morgan too.

  Coward.

  I wanted to deny the thought, but this time I couldn’t seem to find the energy. Thea had said that I was afraid. Maybe she was right.

  I slowed as I came down to the steps towards the limo. ‘Can we have this discussion tomorrow?’ I asked shortly. ‘I’m too drunk for it now.’

  ‘No.’ Morgan stared at me, her blue eyes sharp as knives. ‘You’re not drunk.’

  I wasn’t either. The haze of alcohol had all burned off the moment I’d seen her. ‘Okay, no, I’m not drunk,’ I admitted. ‘I just don’t want to talk to you right now.’

  Morgan ignored me. ‘Where’s Thea?’

  I shrugged, as if it didn’t matter. ‘She’s gone.’

  ‘Ah.’ Morgan’s blue gaze had narrowed. ‘So that’s the problem.’

  ‘What problem?’

  ‘Don’t be stupid, Damian. I saw the way you were looking at her at the beginning of the evening.’ She gave me yet another searching look that I didn’t much like. ‘You sent her away, didn’t you?’

  I gave her my usual smile, even knowing how empty it was. ‘No, actually. It was her decision. She decided to leave.’

  But Morgan wasn’t fooled,
which was typical. I’d never been able to fool her.

  ‘I’d forgotten how bad you are at hiding things,’ she said, staring at me. ‘She means something to you, doesn’t she?’

  ‘Morgan, I’d really rather—’

  ‘And you meant something to her. I could tell. I saw the way she looked at you, too.’

  Everything in me tightened, and I wanted to walk away. Or to smile, tease her, distract her the way I used to do when she’d been small. When she used to put her arms around me and beg me to make it better.

  But I couldn’t make it better then and I couldn’t make it better now.

  ‘Sometimes it’s easier not to care, Morgan,’ I said before I could stop myself. ‘Sometimes it’s better just to let someone go.’

  ‘Oh? Like you let me go?’

  Clearly she wasn’t pulling any punches tonight.

  I gritted my teeth and made myself look her in the eye. ‘I couldn’t make it better for you. I couldn’t help you.’

  ‘So, what? You sent me away?’

  ‘Yes.’ My hands were in fists in my pockets, tension crawling between my shoulder blades. ‘If that’s what you want to know, yes. I sent you away. Because there was nothing I could do for you. Just like there wasn’t anything I could do for Mum.’

  Morgan glanced away abruptly, her mouth tight. ‘You didn’t have to do anything, Damian. Just being there was enough.’

  There was an open hole where my heart was, a great, gaping wound.

  And then suddenly, out of nowhere, I could feel Thea’s fingers squeezing my hand, a ghost of her presence beside me letting me know she was there.

  ‘Mum died, Morgan,’ I said hoarsely, not knowing I was going to say it until then. ‘I couldn’t save her. She was in pain and I couldn’t do anything. And then I couldn’t do anything for you either...’

  Morgan slowly turned to look at me, her face white. Then abruptly she pushed herself away from the limo and, before I could move, she was there, flinging her arms around me the way she used to and holding me tight.

  She didn’t say anything. Just hugged me.

  ‘I failed you,’ I heard myself say, the hole in my chest getting deeper and wider. ‘I failed you and I failed Mum. And I let Thea go because I’ll only end up failing her too.’

  Morgan looked up at me, her blue eyes full of tears. ‘You didn’t fail,’ she said fiercely. ‘You were always there for me. And you were there for Mum too.’

  ‘I couldn’t make it better, Morgan. It’s there in my head, all the time. The memories of you crying, of Mum hurting. They don’t go away and they never fade.’ My jaw ached, everything raw. ‘Sometimes it’s all I can think about.’

  Morgan blinked, her gaze dark. ‘Then you need different memories, Damian. Better ones.’

  ‘You mean money isn’t the answer?’ It was a flippant, stupid response, but I couldn’t think of anything better to say.

  She scowled, treating my answer with the contempt it deserved. ‘Don’t be a dick. Honestly, you don’t get better memories with money. It’s with people, Damian.’

  People like Thea.

  I could still feel the clasp of her hand around mine, still see her smile. I remembered completely the first time I’d seen her, standing on the terrace in Hong Kong, frowning at me, my beautiful, dark-eyed mystery woman. And then the way she’d felt in my arms, warm and silky.

  But there were more memories, too. Of her rare smiles and her fierce passion. And her generosity. Her honesty and her sympathy.

  Her love.

  I could feel that love. In the ghost of her hand around mine, in the warmth of the pearls in my pocket. In the strength of her demand that I give her more. In her refusal to settle for less.

  She wasn’t afraid to ask for what she deserved and she hadn’t been afraid to call me out on my own cowardice.

  She hadn’t been afraid to tell me she loved me, even knowing that I had nothing to give her.

  If she’s not afraid, why are you?

  I closed my eyes, my chest aching, everything aching. And I knew there was only one way I could stop the pain.

  ‘Damian?’ Morgan’s voice was soft. ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘No.’ I didn’t open my eyes. ‘I think I’m in love.’

  ‘Oh,’ Morgan said.

  ‘Yeah. It fucking sucks.’

  There was a silence and I let myself enjoy my little sister’s hug for one moment longer. Then I released her and stood back. ‘I’ll talk to you again, kiddo. I promise. But there’s a woman whose forgiveness I have to beg first.’

  Morgan gave me a long, measured look. ‘Better make it good, Damian.’

  ‘Oh, don’t worry, I will.’ I turned towards the limo. ‘I’ll even get down on my knees if I have to.’

  And I would.

  Because I wasn’t planning to come back without her.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  Thea

  IT WAS EASY to find myself a cab and go back to the apartment on the Thames. Easy to slip out of my beautiful gown and change my clothes. Easy to pack a single backpack—I’d decided to travel light—and call a cab to take me to Heathrow.

  I hadn’t really thought through the whole getting back to Hong Kong thing, but with any luck there would be some standby seats on the next flight in that direction.

  Going back home was the hard part. Now I knew what I was missing, knew who I was leaving. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about the business, given I hadn’t got the Red Queen, and that would be the first request I hadn’t been able to fulfil. But that was a worry for later, when the pain of leaving had faded.

  When my broken heart wasn’t lying shattered in my chest.

  Heathrow was full of people even this late at night, the lights of the departures hall too bright, the sounds of people talking and the blare of the public announcement system too loud. And all of a sudden the thought of going back to the darkness seemed like a good thing. At least as a ghost, though I’d been lonely, I hadn’t been in any pain.

  I stood in line for a ticket, and I was lucky—there was a seat on the next flight out. It would be quite a come down from the trip over in Damian’s corporate jet, but being safely anonymous in cattle class was exactly what I wanted right now.

  There wasn’t any point in waiting around in the departures area so I turned and began to walk towards Security.

  And then someone from behind me said, ‘Thea.’

  The voice was deep and rich, the sound every fantasy I’d ever had.

  I stopped in my tracks, my heartbeat thundering in my head. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. Because I knew who it was and I knew if I looked at him, if I saw his beautiful face, looked into his silver eyes, I’d be lost.

  I’d forget everything I’d told him and fling myself into his arms. And then what would have been the point of walking away?

  ‘You have every right to walk away from me,’ Damian said quietly, his voice sounding much closer. ‘And I’m not going to stop you. But I wanted to tell you something before you left.’

  My heart was so loud I could barely hear him and I was shaking.

  I should have just kept on walking, but I couldn’t move my feet.

  ‘I want you to know that you were right,’ he said, his voice soft. ‘Right to demand everything from me. Right to tell me that I was afraid. And you were right to walk away when I didn’t give it to you.’

  I shut my eyes, felt the tears prick.

  ‘I am afraid. I failed to save my mother. I failed to give my sister the childhood she deserved. And I’m afraid I’ll fail you, too. I’m afraid that I’ll disappoint you, hurt you. That my love won’t be enough.’ He let out a breath. ‘Because that’s the problem, Thea. I love you. And I’ve loved you since the moment you turned up on my terrace at that stupid party. The moment I set eyes on you, standing there all quie
t and still, watching me. I didn’t know it then, but every second I’ve spent with you over the past week has only made it clearer.’

  My chest was tight and so painful. I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what to do, whether to turn around or keep on going. Because all these things he was saying... I wanted to believe them so much.

  ‘And I thought, if you had the courage to tell me you loved me, I should have the courage to tell you that I loved you back.’ A fierce note entered his voice. ‘So here I am, not being a fucking coward. Telling you that I love you. And I don’t expect you to stay. I don’t expect anything at all. I just thought you should know before you leave.’

  He must have been close, because I could hear him just behind me, but he didn’t touch me.

  A tear slid down my cheek.

  ‘It’s wrong of me to ask this,’ he whispered. ‘Especially considering what I said to you at the museum. But... I don’t want you to go. So please don’t disappear on me, Sugar. Please stay.’

  I stood there rigid, tears falling, my heart a hard ball in my chest. ‘I don’t want just a few days, Damian. You know that, don’t you?’

  His breath was warm on the back of my neck, and I shivered. ‘I’m not offering you a few days. I’m offering you for ever.’

  I trembled, my face wet. ‘I don’t want to force you into anything.’

  And then his arms slid around me and he was gathering me close against his big, powerful body. ‘No one can make me do anything I don’t want to do,’ he murmured in my ear. ‘Except maybe you. But you’re not forcing me into this. I want it. I want it more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.’

  So I turned around in his arms and buried my face against his chest, in his heat and the delicious, familiar scent of him.

  The handsome prince in his tux.

  My handsome prince.

  ‘Are you sure?’ I asked. ‘Are you really, positively, absolutely—?’

  He didn’t let me finish. Cupping my face between his palms, he tilted my head back and kissed me sweetly, softly, silencing me. And then, when an aeon had passed, he said, ‘Tell me what you want. Tell me and I’ll give it to you. Anything.’