by Joy Redmond
“I just said you were coming home, now! Let’s go!”
Mandy noticed a tic in Iris’s right eye and knew Iris was upset about something, and the tone of her voice meant she better get a move on. Mandy thought Iris was going to stomp her foot on the rug-covered floor, and she seemed to be madder than a wet hen.
Mandy gave a hug, then slid off the bed as she bid Shelly goodbye, giving her a look that said, please still be my friend.
Mandy walked behind Iris, down the hallway, hatred building in her young soul.
Chapter Four
As Iris drove back home, she looked over and said, “I saw the plates and glasses on the night stand. You’ve been eating junk, haven’t you? I am so glad I came over to get you!”
Mandy’s heart fell as she answered. “I had a few cookies and some milk.”
“And you know that’s forbidden! You don’t eat sweets before a meal. That’s the last time you’ll go visit Shelly. From now on, she’ll come to our house and I’ll keep an eye on you. I can’t trust you out of my sight!” Iris’s mouth turned down at the corners, the pink lipstick made it look as if someone had slashed her mouth.
Nikko was beating inside Mandy’s head, wanting to cuss Iris. Mandy hung her head and didn’t say a word out loud, but inside, Nikko was calling Iris every name she could think of, and some she was making up. That made them both feel better.
When they got back home, Iris got out of the car and slammed the door, her body rigid and unbending. “Get inside and go to the kitchen! Now!”
Mandy scurried into the kitchen and waited. Her heart started to beat faster as she watched Iris take the butter paddle out of the top drawer of the cabinet by the fridge.
“Come here, young lady.” Mandy walked over, her hands balled into small fists and her mind switched as Nikko took over because she was the strong one, the one who could handle pain.
Nikko was ready. She could and would handle anything, anyone doled out to her. Nothing hurt her. She learned a long time ago to let the anger surface and take control and the hatred along with it became a shield against any pain.
“Turn around!” Iris ordered.
Nikko whirled and stood still, her hatred rising, her need to lash out at this person who was about to hit her and humiliate her. She closed her eyes and waited.
Iris whacked both of Mandy’s calves, twice, with the butter paddle. Nikko held her breath as the pain seared its way into her flesh.
She showed no emotion as Iris spoke. “That’s what you get when you disobey. You remember the next time you think you can sneak and get by with something!” Iris was panting as she continued, “Now, go practice your music. I’ll call you when supper is ready. And you will eat everything I put on your plate or you’ll sit at the table until you do.”
Mandy switched back, and Nikko faded into the depths of her mind but was watchful, and the hatred was building layer upon layer within her soul, minute by minute, fueled by Nikko, as she walked toward the piano and sat on the narrow seat. She fought the tears that wanted to spill.
When supper was ready, Iris called Mandy to the table and Mandy cringed inwardly at the sound of her voice, but she obeyed, her legs and her mind on fire as she walked to the kitchen. She listened to Otis as he said the blessing and snorted to herself, what kind of people beat children with butter paddles for eating sweets before a meal, and then say prayers?
After Otis said the blessing, Iris picked up Mandy’s plate. “Don’t pass the food to her,” Iris said to Otis, her voice devoid of emotion.
Mandy watched as Iris filled the plate and then handed it to her. There’s no way my stomach will hold all of this, and she is only doing this because I ate a few cookies before dinner. Wasn’t the spanking enough punishment?
She began to eat, bite by bite until it was gone and her plate cleaned. She could feel her stomach bulge and she felt as if she were going to throw up. She fought the feeling, fearing if she did then Iris would fill another plate and she’d have to force it down.
As they ate, Iris told Otis what Mandy had done. “She got four whacks with the butter paddle.”
Otis glared at Mandy, his dark eyes black as coal and his busy eyebrows arched as he talked. “I hope that teaches you to mind. We’ll break your strong will one way or another. If the butter paddle doesn’t work, I’ll think of something else.”
Mandy tucked her head, fighting tears, but she wasn’t about to cry, and besides, these were tears of frustration and pain and she wasn’t going to give Iris and Otis the satisfaction of knowing her feelings were hurt, or that the large red welts on her calves were still stinging.
After the meal, she helped Iris clean the kitchen. “Go get your homework. I need to check it,” Iris said.
Mandy looked at Iris and saw a middle aged woman, tall, and plump and with no makeup, and she thought Iris was just plain ugly.
Mandy hurried into the living room and picked up her notebook where she had left it on the small side table that sat in front of one of the windows. She loved to sit there and do her work because she could look out and see the big world and dream of one day being old enough to pack up and join that world.
She brought her notebook and sat beside Iris on the couch. It was a faded rose color that must have been beautiful when new, but it was just like her, faded and fading more into herself.
Iris, with her thin lips in a tight straight line, went through the homework. When she was satisfied, she turned to Mandy and gave her a big smile and a pat on the back. “Good job!”
Afterwards, Mandy climbed the long wooden staircase where every other step seemed to groan and squeak under foot and sometimes at night, she would hear them and think someone was coming to get her. She entered her bedroom, and she still admired the pretty pink bed spread and the canopy, which she had thought was a tent when she first saw it.
She walked across the floor and turned on the desk lamp that had fringe hanging down from the cover and the room was bathed in soft light. She stood in front of the vanity and stared at her reflection in the mirror.
“Nikko, I hate Iris. And I’m beginning to hate Otis. She raised one leg, then the other. “Look at these welts! What am I going to tell the kids when they ask me what’s wrong with my ugly legs?” She stood and continued to stare at Nikko. “Otis doesn’t dish out as many orders but he sure backs up everything that Iris says, and that makes him just as bad as she is. I’m going to bed. I just wanted to show you the artwork on my legs and tell ya goodnight.”
Goodnight, came a soft whisper, and Mandy saw a tear roll down Nikko’s face.
Mandy turned off the desk lamp crawled into bed, then fluffed her pillow and buried her head deep into the soft downy. Tears ran and her heart ached for her mama, daddy, and her brothers. God, sometimes I think I hate you, too. You just took too much from me. You let too many things happen to me. But I still thank you for answering my prayers—well, you answered some of them.
Mandy gave a big sigh and then she felt fingers running through her hair. She turned her head sideways, fluttered her eyes and there was Mama and Evan standing beside her. A white-like fog encased them and Mandy felt love in her heart. She sat up and saw Evan smiling, showing his deep dimples and clapping his little hands. Mama bent and placed her gossamer hands on both sides of Mandy’s face. Peace overcame her and even though she didn’t hear Mama’s voice her heart felt what Mama was saying.
My sweet child. You have to accept your new parents. They’re good people. They love you. You must call them Mother and Father as they have asked. I’ll always be around, watching over you.
Mama’s voice was soft and angel-like and her lips were sweet and warm as she kissed her on the forehead. Then Mama disappeared and so did Evan, and only the faintest trace of the fog remained, but then it too, faded into the night.
Mandy bolted upright in bed. “Don’t leave me, Mama!” she cried as she held out her arms. Mandy heard a tinkling sound. She cocked her head. The sound was coming from the ceiling in the far right corner of th
e room. It sounded like music, but it was like nothing she had ever heard before. Then all was quiet and Mandy was surrounded by darkness. She lay for a long moment, then whispered, “Come back and see me, Mama, and bring Evan. Thank you for the sweet sounding music.”
She drifted into a deep sleep and dreamt of Mama and Daddy and the boys, and the shadows heard her giggles of joy, and laughed with her.
Mandy awoke when she heard Iris calling from the bottom of the stairs. “Amanda, it’s time to get up. Get dressed and come down for breakfast. Don’t dilly-dally. You have to be ready when the school bus arrives. The driver won’t wait for you and you need to learn to be punctual. You only have ten minutes. Don’t make me come up there and get you!”
Mandy yawned and rubbed her eyes. “I wish you’d change your wake up call. You say the same thing every morning. I’ve got it memorized,” she mumbled. She didn’t want to get out of the warm bed and she most definitely didn’t wish to face Iris first thing in the morning.
The memory of last night’s visit from Mama and Evan, made her feel light and wonderful and happiness nested within her soul. She pushed back the blankets, swung her feet around and slipped on her house shoes. That’s when she noticed the desk lamp was on.
I know I turned it off before I went to bed. I remember opening my eyes and it was dark. She walked across the room and turned it off and looked around her to see if maybe, some of the white fog still hung around. There was nothing. She ran downstairs and used the bathroom. She hurried back upstairs and she was just dressing when Iris walked into the room.
“Did I hear you running up and down the stairs?”
Mandy saw the nervous tic around Iris’ right eye, which was one of the signs she was getting upset. “I had to hurry. You said don’t be late. I—” Before she could finish her sentence the desk lamp came on.
“Iris turned her head toward the light. “I’ve warned you about turning off lights!”
“It came on by itself!”
“It didn’t come on by itself. You always have an excuse for not doing things that you’ve been told.” Iris marched across the floor and turned off the lamp. “Electricity isn’t cheap and money doesn’t grow on trees.”
Mandy shrugged as Iris left the room. She dressed in a hurry, then stood in front of the vanity, brushing her hair. It sure was nice to see Mama and Evan, wasn’t it? Nikko asked from the reflection in the mirror.
“It sure was. And I think Evan turned on the lamp. He never knew about lamps. I bet he thinks it’s a toy,” Mandy whispered, and Nikko giggled.
Mandy finished dressing, descended the stairs and walked into the kitchen. She pulled out a chair and sat at the table and waited, quietly thinking, lost in her memory of the night before.
Iris sat a bowl of Cream of Wheat along with two pieces of buttered toast in front of her. “You look very pretty this morning. You’ve got your hair pulled back with barrettes and now it won’t be hanging in your eyes. Good job.” Iris patted Mandy on the shoulder.
Iris went over to the kitchen sink and Mandy put one bite of cereal into her mouth. Suddenly, her brother’s faces flashed before her. A lump formed in her throat and she choked. Then, she buried her face in her hands and loudly sobbed.
Iris dropped her tea towel and hurried to Mandy’s side. “What’s wrong, honey?” She gathered the sobbing child in her arms. “Tell me what’s troubling you.” Iris spoke in a soft voice.
Mandy raised her head and between sobs said, “I miss my brothers— Mammaw and Pappaw—Grandma and Grandpa—and I miss Daddy even if he did give me away and hurt my feelings—” She dropped her head against Iris’ chest and sobbed harder.
As Iris held Mandy, Mandy sensed that somewhere deep inside of Iris, a tiny flickering flame of motherhood lit and she felt the pain of the young girl who was crying. Iris stroked her hair. “There, there, honey. I know you miss them. But you belong to us now.”
You’ll never understand how we’re feeling, this is about us, not about you being our fake mother, whispered Nikko.
Mandy raised her head. “I know. But my heart hurts so bad I think it might break into pieces and fall out of my chest.” She sobbed harder.
Iris spoke sweetly. “I don’t think your heart will fall out of your chest, dear, but it breaks my heart to see you so upset. I’ll tell you what. I’ll make some phone calls and I’ll do my best to find your brothers, and I’ll get some addresses for your grandparents. Then we’ll take you to see them.”
Mandy cried, “You will? You really will?” Her heart was beating so fast, she wondered if it would jump out of her chest.
“Yes, I will.” Iris raised her apron tail and wiped Mandy’s tears. “Now, you just eat, then brush your teeth. The bus will be here soon.”
Mandy threw her arms around Iris’ neck and hugged her as she said, “Thank you, Mother. I didn’t think I’d ever see any of my family ever again.”
Iris hugged Mandy and wiped her own tears. “I know this is hard on you, but I guess I didn’t know how hard. That was selfish of me and thoughtless. I’m sorry, honey. Now you dry those tears and I’ll do some detective work. I bet I can call your aunt Lou and find out all we need to know. If she doesn’t know, she’ll tell me who else to contact. I won’t give up until I find them.”
“Mother, I can’t eat. I feel sick at my stomach. I mean, I’m happy that you’re gonna find everybody for me, but I feel like I’m gonna puke.”
“Oh, dear! Get to the bathroom. We don’t want to ruin your pretty dress—”
Mandy took off running. She made it to the bathroom, hung her head over the commode and threw up, then she had the dry heaves.
Iris hurried behind her. She wiped Mandy’s face with a damp cloth. “There, there, honey. Try to calm down.” Then Iris gasped. “Oh, dear. You’ve still got red marks across the back of your legs. I had no idea that I hit you that hard. I promise I’ll never spank your legs again.” Iris jumped when she heard the honking of the school bus. “I’ll wave him on. Then I’ll take you to school. I’m supposed to be at Homemakers Club—” Iris hurried out of the bathroom, and Mandy saw Iris wipe her eyes.
Mandy sat on the rim of the tub. I can’t believe she’s gonna find my family and she’s gonna let me see them. Thank you, God. You answered another prayer. Iris and Otis are weird, but I’ll get used to them. Mama said they were good people. I’ll try to go by their rules and I’ll call them Mother and Father, like Mama told me to.
Mandy brushed her teeth and headed into the kitchen where she found Iris thumbing through the phone book. Iris laid the phone book on the desk, then said, “Honey, do you think you can go to school? I’ll drive you. I’ll be late for Homemakers, but that’s okay. Then when I get back home I’ll do some calling.”
“Yeah…er…I mean, yes, ma’am. I think I can go.”
“Good girl. Now don’t run, just go get your coat and we’ll be on our way.”
Nikko wanted to jump up and down and skip and yell, but Mandy controlled her urges. She slipped on her coat, then she and Iris headed out the backdoor and on to the garage.
When they reached the school building, Mandy opened the car door and stepped out but leaned over and peered in at Iris and said, “I hope I can pay attention. I’m so excited my stomach is doing flip-flops. But thank you.” She slammed the door and took off running.
Mandy pictured Iris wincing at the sound of the door slamming and her running and she knew better than to do it. But she didn’t care.
That afternoon, Mandy got off the school bus, ran across the front yard and burst through the front door. “Mother! Mother!” she called. Then she saw Iris sitting on the couch. She ran across the floor. Just as she stopped in front of Iris, she said, “I’m sorry I ran. But—”
Iris smiled. “I won’t fuss. I know you’re excited. And yes, I found where your brothers are and I have addresses for your grandparents. I’ve talked it over with Otis, and he said this coming Sunday, we’ll take you to visit your brothers. Lee is with your gra
ndma and grandpa and you’ll get to see them too. Don is living with a couple I know.”
“You know them?”
“Yes, I do. When I was teaching school, I taught with the lady he’s living with. She and her husband are very happy that we’re going to bring Don’s sister for a visit. Then next weekend, we’ll take you to see your mammaw and pappaw. Everything has been arranged.”
Mandy went weak in the knees. She sank into the couch beside Iris. She couldn’t speak, she merely stared into space. I hope I’m not dreaming. If I am, I hope I never wake up. Iris is being so nice to me, I bet Mama had something to do with all this. Oh Mama, I love you and miss you.
The next three years were so slow moving, Mandy thought she was going to lose her mind. The only happy times was when she was allowed to visit her mawmaw and pappaw and see her brothers, but those times were far and few between for her liking. She understood that if she didn’t keep up with her chores and homework, they wouldn’t let her visit, and it was the visits that kept her mind from dropping off into space.
“Oh my gosh!” she said to the reflection in the vanity mirror, “can you believe it? Here we are almost fourteen years old! Iris and Otis still treat us as if we were a baby and even though I don’t get hit anymore, we’re still not allowed to go anywhere or do anything with school friends. We go to church and school, practice music, play in recitals and the rest of the time we’re confined to this room to read and study during school months. During summers, we’re nothing more than a farmhand for Otis and a gardener, canner and housemaid for Iris. We don’t live. We exist.”
Nikko whispered, Just hang on. When we’re eighteen, we’ll take off. They can’t stop us. We’ll be free and we’ll live our life any way we want to.
Suddenly, the books that Mandy had placed in the center of the desk tumbled to the floor. The desk chair tipped over backward. The desk lamp came on. The windowpane shook. The lamp went out.
Chapter Five
The summer of Mandy’s 14th year, Otis taught her how to drive the one-ton truck. She was a fast learner and in no time she had mastered the trick of letting let out the clutch, and gently pressing down on the gas pedal when she shifted gears. She hauled fertilizer to the fields and she learned how to drive the tractor, pulling a disk. She did her best to stay between the rows of corn so as not to plow under any of the short shoots. She had blisters on her hands from hoeing the garden and when the vegetables were ready, she picked them and helped Iris can them. After supper she practiced her music. When the day was over, she went to her bedroom to read, or write in her journal.