* * *
“Hi, babe.” Alex kissed Jess on the cheek. “Practice was muddy today. I sent Ben upstairs to get washed up. He’s a mess. And Kara’s in her room, sulking because I told her we think she’s still too young to have a cell phone.”
“Hi,” she answered absently, turning back to the sandwiches she’d been making.
Alex stifled a sigh. He’d hoped whatever she’d been worried about last night would be gone today, but it wasn’t. He still saw the shadow of something in her eyes, and his heart twisted. Jessica’s silence on whatever was bugging her was scaring him, way down to the hidden part of him that had never believed he could have—or keep—a woman like her. She was everything to him. She and their kids were his life.
Something had changed in the past couple of months. At first, he’d thought it was for the better. God knows, it’d been a long time since their sex life had been so active. It hadn’t been bad, but after fifteen years of marriage, it had become predictable. Now, however, it was different, more intense. Exciting again. He’d initially chalked it up to the kids being older and more self-sufficient, which freed up time for both him and Jess. But he’d noticed lately there was a furtive, almost desperate tone to it, as if Jess was using sex to chase some demon away.
The thought of what she might be hiding from him made him sick. The first time, about three months ago, he’d been shaken to his core. She’d made love to him with wild abandon, and then immediately afterward had curled up on her side, shaking. He’d tried to get her to talk, but she’d just withdrawn further. He’d spent the night wrapped around her, holding her, unable to sleep as he tried to figure out what might be wrong. But the next day, it had been almost as if nothing had happened.
She’d begun withdrawing emotionally from him when it came to sex, and only sex. The things going through his head were killing him, because the rest of their life was absolutely normal. The insecure husband worried she might’ve had an affair and was feeling guilty. The cop in him worried she might have been assaulted and was trying to drive away bad memories by creating new ones. Neither of those situations was palatable.
If he’d learned anything in their fifteen years of marriage, it was how stubborn Jess was, but she was going to have to open up. This had gone on too long, and as good as the sex was, he didn’t want it if it came with this emotional detachment.
He tugged gently on her ponytail. “Hey, you,” he teased, trying to cajole her into a better mood.
Jess turned back around, a what the fuck do you want now look on her face. “What?”
His temper spiked, and good intentions be damned. “You know what? Never mind. I’m going upstairs to take a shower.” He stalked out of the kitchen, pointedly ignoring the sheen of tears in Jess’s eyes.
By the time he’d washed the dirt of the ball field off and gotten out of the shower, he regretted the way he’d handled the situation. He was still pissed at Jess’s attitude, but he needed to go downstairs and apologize to his wife. He came out of the bathroom with his towel wrapped around his waist only to see Jessica sitting cross-legged on their bed, hugging a pillow, her head bowed.
Any residual anger fled when she looked up, her face stained with tears.
He dropped onto the bed and pulled Jess into his arms. “Babe, please. I know something’s been bothering you. It’s eating at you. Can’t you just tell me what’s going on? I hate what I’m seeing in your eyes these days, and how you keep pulling away from me.”
“I don’t know if I can,” she whispered, her voice not quite steady. “And I’m not sure if I should.”
“You should, because whatever it is, it can’t be nearly as bad as the things I’m imagining.” He hoped his words would get through to Jess because, damn it, he wanted things back the way they had been before. He wanted his somewhat reserved yet easygoing wife back without those damned shadows in her eyes. And unless she opened up, that wouldn’t happen.
After a long pause, Jess took a deep, shuddering breath, as if she’d come to some sort of decision. “Your parents called while you were at practice. They picked up the new RV they’ve been looking at. They want to take the kids camping tonight, if you’re okay with it. They’ll bring them home tomorrow night, after dinner.”
He silently thanked them for their impeccable timing. “Perfect. Then we’ll have the house to ourselves, and we can talk.” He kissed her temple, picked up her hand and held it in his. “Tell me one thing, Jessica. Do you still love me?” His voice cracked over the words he’d been afraid to utter.
Her head jerked up and her tears spilled over. “I love you more than I ever have.”
Relief poured through him, making him dizzy. “I love you too.” He wiped her tears away with his thumb. “Whatever else is going on, we’ll deal with it. Together. Okay?”
“Okay,” she whispered, leaning into his touch.
Alex held his wife tightly, feeling her heart pounding against his, and hoped like hell he hadn’t lied to her. Because honestly, even with his experience as a cop, he didn’t have a single clue what was going to come out of her mouth.
Chapter Three
While Jess helped the kids pack for the camping trip with their grandparents, part of her head was focused on the kids, and the other part was stuck on repeat, taunting her, reminding her she wanted something more, something different in her sexual relationship with her husband.
As if she could forget.
She’d never wanted to be anything but Alex’s equal, in life or in bed, but now that had changed. The thoughts of him tying her up and giving her no choice in what happened to her in the bedroom were making her crazy, leaving her in a constant state of wet and wanting. The thoughts of her restraining Alex for the same reason had the same result.
Ben’s protest refocused her thoughts. “Mom, why does Kara get to go too? I want to go by myself. You promised I could.”
Jess smiled at her son. The kids hadn’t been told about the big camping surprise yet. “I know I said you could each take a turn spending time with them alone. But Grandma and Grandpa want both of you to come over tonight. Who knows? Maybe they have something special planned.”
It didn’t take long to drive the kids over to Alex’s parents’ house in Walkersville. Alex didn’t say much in the car on the way over. He’d been pretty quiet since they’d talked earlier, and she wondered if he was regretting pushing for answers. Answers she still wasn’t sure she could give him.
After seeing everyone off on their adventure, they headed for home. Alex was nearly as silent on the way back as he’d been on the way there.
“Are you going to say anything? This silence is killing me.”
Alex reached out and squeezed her hand. His voice was wry. “That’s how I’ve felt these past few months, every time you shut me out.”
Ouch. A direct hit, and it hurt. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize it was that obvious.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” he asked, turning toward her with wide eyes.
The look on his face was so disbelieving, her red hair got the better of her, and the defensiveness came out in the tone of her voice. “No, I’m not kidding.”
“Man, do we need to talk.”
Dread pooled in the pit of Jess’s stomach. Alex was nothing if not tenacious. She looked at him from the corner of her eye, at his rigid posture and the scowl on his face, and wished to hell she’d kept her mouth shut, or at least been better at hiding her insecurities. She had a horrible feeling about this, but there was no stuffing the proverbial cat back into the bag now.
* * *
An interminable yet short five minutes later, Alex led Jessica into their living room. He’d been silent on the ride back, brooding over the things he couldn’t stop imagining, and it was making him crazy. He’d felt Jess’s unease in the car, but enough was enough. It was time to get things out into the open.
The woman he loved more than anyone else in the world stood by the fireplace, touching the family photos on the mantel.
Her hand hesitated over their wedding photo but didn’t touch it, and his stomach clenched. Did that mean something?
Frustration zinged through him as he paced around their living room, waiting for her to speak. But she said nothing, so he came to a dead stop in front of her. Come hell or high water, he was going to have his answers. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to voice the question that had been torturing his vivid imagination for weeks.
“Have you been unfaithful to me?” His words were blunt, his voice raw, and his body and heart and soul hovered on the edge of fight or flight.
Jessica flinched as if he’d raised his hand to strike her. Her face drained of color, and her eyes filled with those damned shadows he so often saw in them these days. Not a word came from her open mouth. Not a refusal, not an angry outburst demanding to know how he could ask her that, nothing but an indrawn gasp that seemed ripped from her chest. Instead of words, she simply dropped her gaze to the floor, and then looked back up at him, tears welling in her eyes.
He’d thought he’d guarded himself against whatever she might reveal, but he’d never been so wrong in his life. Horrified incredulity leached into his muscles and turned his body to stone. “Son of a bitch.”
That seemed to startle a reaction out of her. “Alex, no!” she cried, dismay overlaying the guilt on her face. She started toward him, but he stepped back, away from her, putting out his hands out to ward her off.
“Don’t touch me.” The pain of betrayal shoved a knife through his gut and made his voice a low growl. “Not right now.”
Jesus, he needed to get out of here before he did something he’d regret. He grabbed the keys he’d tossed on the coffee table and stalked to the front door. The last thing he heard before he slammed the door behind him was the sound of his wife’s tears as she begged him not to go.
He didn’t drive far. As a state trooper, he’d seen enough accidents caused by emotional distress to know he was in no shape to be on the road. His phone vibrated against his waist every few minutes, but he ignored it. On autopilot, still hearing Jess’s sobs and seeing the guilt on her face, he drove to the park where Ben played baseball. It was late afternoon, and the fields were empty now. He got out of his truck and headed toward the footbridge that ran over Carroll Creek.
His phone vibrated again. He looked down at the display, at Jess’s smiling face in the picture next to her name, and wanted to hurl the damn thing into the creek. But he didn’t, and instead forced himself to look at the missed call log. She’d called several times and left voice mail.
He wasn’t interested. Not now, while he felt as raw as the spring wind that had kicked up. He needed to punch something. Or throw up.
His phone vibrated again, and he swore. Loudly, and graphically, words he rarely uttered around his family. He went to turn it off but found a text from Jessica instead. His hand nearly crushed the phone when he saw the first two words. I’m sorry. Another text. It’s not what u think. They started coming faster, and he stared at her words in disbelief. I’m not cheating. And then, I swear.
His heart wanted to believe her, so badly it ached. But all he could see was the guilt on her face, and the way she hadn’t denied being unfaithful, and his stomach heaved.
Pls come home. I’ll explain everything.
He sat on a boulder next to the creek and stared at the words on his phone. Had he jumped to the wrong conclusion?
I love u, Alex. Pls.
He closed his eyes and swallowed down the bile burning his throat. He hit reply on his phone, and typed his own message back. Can’t talk 2 u right now. Need time 2 calm down. He hit Send, then added one more line. Don’t know what 2 believe. He hit Send again, and turned the phone off. He shivered, but for the life of him, he couldn’t tell if it was from the chill in the air or the chill in his soul.
If ever there was time for introspection, this was it. Earlier that morning, he’d told Jess that whatever was bothering her, they’d deal with it together. But he hadn’t expected this. Well, maybe he had. His insecure self—the one he tried to shove back into the deep recesses of his mind whenever it escaped—worried she might have had an affair and been trying to atone for it with sex, but he hadn’t truly believed it was possible. His wife was not the cheating kind. But, then again, he’d been a cop long enough to understand people had secrets and sometimes did things they normally wouldn’t.
He stared at the creek for a while, then walked around the park in the cool spring afternoon, trying to burn off the vicious energy filling his muscles and his soul. After an hour, he still didn’t know whether or not to believe Jessica’s words, but he did know one thing. It had been completely unfair of him—and completely unlike him—to walk out without listening, without hearing all the facts first. Much of that anger roiling through him was directed at himself. He owed Jess the chance to explain.
He’d accused her of cheating and not even waited for her to answer with words. Maybe her tears had been ones of disbelief. If she was telling the truth, he owed her a hell of a lot more than a mere apology.
And if she wasn’t telling the truth, he knew this—an affair was not something their fifteen-year marriage could survive. He could forgive much, but not infidelity.
Honesty compelled him to admit one more thing to himself. If Jessica was telling the truth, he wasn’t sure he could forgive himself for the way he’d hurled that accusation at her. And he wouldn’t be surprised if she told him to go to hell.
* * *
Jessica’s emotions raced between frantic worry for Alex’s state of mind, guilt for giving him reason to think she might be cheating on him, and fury at him for walking out on her after assuming the worst. After more than an hour of crying her eyes out, fury was in the lead. So when she heard his truck in the driveway—thank God—she was fired up and ready to go.
Alex came into the room looking ragged. His hair was standing up as if he’d run his hands through it over and over again. His face was pale, his hazel eyes bloodshot and rimmed in red. He looked as miserable as she felt, and the evil part of her thought, Good.
Jess didn’t get up from where she’d tucked herself into the corner of the couch, her knees drawn up, their fat orange tabby curled up on her feet. She didn’t hide the tissues or try to stop the tears that were flowing again.
Alex stood stiffly near the fireplace, looking at their wedding picture. She’d looked at it too, earlier, when she’d tried to figure out how to talk to him about her fantasies.
They both began talking at the same time. “Go ahead,” Jessica said as she braced herself for more accusations.
“I shouldn’t have walked out without listening.” His voice was unsteady and gruff, but not really apologetic, and that ticked her off even more.
“No, you shouldn’t have,” Jess agreed flatly. “Jesus, Alex. You didn’t even give me the chance to answer. You just jumped right to an assumption. A wrong assumption. After fifteen years together, do you trust me that little? What does that say about our marriage?”
Her inner voice was rolling on the floor of her mind, laughing its ass off. Like she had any room at all to complain about lack of trust? She shushed her conscience and glared at him, wiping the damned tears away.
“How about how you didn’t answer me? Did you want me to believe you’d been unfaithful? Was it that hard to say the words, No, Alex, I’d never cheat on you?” He raked his hands through his hair in exasperation. “Do you want to know why I made that leap? Because you’re hiding something from me. I’ve known it for months. The worst part is how you always do an emotional retreat after we make love. What’s changed these past few months, Jessica? I don’t understand it. After sex—after some of the wildest sex we’ve ever had—why do you always look so…” he paused, frowned, as if the words coming out left a bad taste in his mouth, “…guilty?”
Bingo. It was hard to look Alex in the eye, but she did, because he’d just been more honest with her in the last three minutes than she’d been with him for the last
three months. Her anger over his walking out fled in the face of his genuine confusion.
“Because I feel guilty,” she said softly, twisting a tissue to shreds in her hands.
“For what?” His eyes went wide. “Having great sex with your husband? I don’t get it. It doesn’t make any sense. We’re married. We’re allowed to have great sex.” He stared at her a long time, and she began to squirm under his scrutiny. “See? There you go. You have that damned look on your face again. You wanted a chance to explain. Well, explain.” He crossed his arms and waited, his body language shouting he wasn’t going anywhere without an answer.
“God, this is going to sound so stupid now.” She muttered the words under her breath, but he heard her anyway.
With a curse and a heavy sigh, Alex sat down next to her on the sofa, hesitating briefly before reaching out for her hand. That hesitation twisted her insides, as did the pleading tone of his voice. She’d never heard him so unsure of himself, of their relationship, and she was to blame for that.
“Something’s obviously bothering you, and it’s definitely bothering me. Tell me what’s been on your mind. Please, Jess.”
She grabbed his hand as if it were a lifeline. And really, it was. She drew in a deep breath, trying to work up the courage to explain her convoluted thoughts and feelings to the man who owned her heart and deserved her honesty. She should have told him months ago, should never have let it get this far, regardless of the consequences. She sucked in a deep, shuddering breath and gathered her courage.
“What’s on my mind? Forbidden fantasies,” she admitted. She stood, still holding his hand, and pulled him toward the stairs. “Come with me, and I’ll show you.”
Chapter Four
Alex blinked as he followed Jess up the stairs toward their bedroom. The last few hours of his life had been a jumble of emotions, and he knew he was off kilter, but her softly uttered words made no sense. “Forbidden fantasies? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
Forbidden Fantasies Page 3