Belonging

by Alexa Land

  “I fell asleep too early, and when I woke up, I couldn’t get back to sleep. Figured I’d get up and make myself useful.”

  “Thank you for all you do for this family,” I said as I dropped a liner into each indentation in the muffin tins. “I don’t say that enough.”

  “You don’t have to thank me,” she said, pushing back her sleeves and stirring the thick dough with a wooden spoon.

  “Sure I do. You’re always taking care of all of us. You even find people that don’t have families and take care of them, too. I love you, Nana, and I think you’re a really remarkable woman.”

  She grinned at that and grated a bit more lemon zest into the dough. “Where are you going this time?”

  “How did you know I’m going someplace?”

  Her grin got wider. “Because every time you get ready to take off, you make a point of letting me know you love me and appreciate me.”

  “I’m sorry I don’t say that more often.”

  “You don’t need to say it, Johnnie. I already know. So, you running off with that Jason Jax fellow? I figured something was up with him when he came by Mikey’s house.”

  “He asked me to move to New York with him.”

  “You sure you can trust this guy?”

  That surprised me. “Why wouldn’t I be able to trust him?”

  She began to fill the lined muffin tin with a big serving spoon as she said, “I just got this impression when I met him that maybe there’s more to Jason Jax than meets the eye. He says and does all the right things, and he certainly went out of his way to make nice with me and my girlfriends. But if you hadn’t been there and if he hadn’t been trying to impress you, no way would he have given us the time of day. In fact, he laid it on so thick that it got me thinking. Maybe a lot of what he does is for show, to get people to think he’s a certain way, but maybe that’s all an act.”

  “I hadn’t gotten that impression from him.”

  Nana opened the oven door, and I slid the filled muffin tins into the warm interior. As she set a timer, she said, “I could be wrong. Maybe I’m just getting cynical in my old age.”

  “You’re not old, Nana,” I said automatically.

  She shot me a look. “I’m eighty. What do you call that?”

  “A number. You act younger than I do.”

  “I still feel young on the inside. But then I see myself in the mirror and think, who the hell is that old broad?” She climbed up on one of the barstools at the kitchen island and said, “I’m not gonna complain, though. I’m lucky and I know it. I got my health. That’s what matters, not a few wrinkles.”

  “You’re absolutely right.”

  As I got the kettle going and dropped herbal tea bags into a pair of Nana’s fancy, floral teacups, she said, “I know I can’t tell you what to do with Jason Jax. It’s your life and you’re gonna make up your own mind. I’m just gonna say this, though. If it doesn’t work out, or if he doesn’t turn out to be the man you think he is, whether that’s in a day or a month or a year, you turn right around and you come back home. The door will always be open for you, Johnnie.”

  “Thank you, Nana. I really appreciate the fact that you’ve always provided that safety net for me. It’s embarrassing to think about how many times I’ve had to rely on it.”

  “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s just taking you a bit longer to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Maybe Jax will prove to be what you’re looking for, maybe not. Either way, you know I got your back.”

  When the kettle started to whistle, I pulled it off the heat and filled the cups. After setting one in front of my grandmother, I took a bottle of brandy from the cupboard and put it within her reach. She grinned at that and poured a healthy splash into her cup, then did the same to mine. “You gotta promise me one thing,” she said as she bounced the tea bag in the steaming water.

  “I promise I’ll come back for my thirtieth birthday,” I told her, “even though I asked you not to make a big deal of it.”

  Nana clicked her tongue. “This family can’t keep their mouths shut. Who told you I was planning something?”

  “Nobody needed to tell me. I knew you wouldn’t let an excuse to celebrate pass you by.”

  “I do love me a party,” she said, “and you gotta stop acting like turning thirty is something to be depressed about.”

  “You’re right.”

  Nana flashed me a smile. “I always am.”

  Chapter Ten

  Christian called me late the next morning, just as I was zipping my full suitcase. “Hey,” he said, “sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner. Shea and I spent last night at an inn near Bodega Bay and we both shut off our phones.”

  “That sounds terrific.”

  “It was. This place was crazy-romantic and right on the ocean. I wanted to surprise him with a little impromptu getaway.”

  “Nice.”

  “So what’s up? You said you had something important to ask me.”

  “I do. Would it be okay with you if Vincent takes over my job with Zan, effective immediately?” I said. “They get along really well, and Vincent’s already agreed to it, assuming it’s alright with you.”

  “Well, sure. But why?”

  “I’m moving to New York.”

  “Oh, wow. When?”

  “My flight’s at three p.m. today. I know this is incredibly short notice, but I just decided to do this yesterday.”

  “Why New York?” I explained briefly that I’d been seeing Jason and told Christian about his offer. Then he asked, “Do you love him?”

  “Honestly? No. But who knows, maybe this’ll grow into something. It’s worth a shot, I guess.”

  “You don’t sound very enthusiastic.”

  “It’s not my romantic ideal, but I’m looking forward to getting to know Jason, and I’ll enjoy the change of scenery.”

  “So, how’d my dad take the news?”

  “I haven’t told him. I hadn’t made up my mind yet when I was there yesterday. I doubt it’ll make any difference to him, though. He gets along with my brother far better than he ever got along with me.”

  “I’m sorry Zan made things tough on you, Gianni,” he said. “I don’t know why he never warmed up to you.”

  I murmured, “It doesn’t really matter.”

  “I’ll call him and let him know about Vincent. Have a safe trip, and text me soon.”

  After we said our goodbyes, I carried my luggage downstairs and found Nico at the kitchen table. He’d actually gotten misty-eyed that morning when I told him I was moving. He pushed his textbook aside and visited with me for a few minutes, before my ringing phone interrupted us. I was surprised to see Zan’s cell number on the screen.

  I answered, but before I could say a word, Zan yelled, “How the fuck can you move to New York and not even fucking tell me?”

  “Your son told you. What’s the difference?”

  “Yeah, he told me. He said you’re running off with Jason fucking Jax, of all people! Jason fucking Jax! What are you thinking? How could you possibly fail to see him for the complete prat that he is?”

  “What are you talking about? You don’t even know him!” I jumped up from the kitchen table and paced around, ending up at the back door.

  “Oh, yes I do! I was married to an actress named Dev Holland for a while, and she and Jax were thick as thieves. The man’s a cruel, egomaniacal git. How could you do something this stupid?”

  “Thank you for calling me stupid.”

  “I didn’t call you stupid. This idea of yours, however, is complete bollocks!”

  “According to you,” I said.

  “Don’t get on that fucking plane, Gianni. I mean it.”

  My voice rose. “Where do you get off telling me what to do? You can’t even fucking stand me. Be glad I’m going! You’ll be rid of me once and for all.”

  “That’s what you think? That I can’t stand you?”

  “It’s pretty obvious!” I ye
lled.

  “Bloody hell!”

  “Are you done?”

  “Not by a long shot! I have to talk to you, face to face. Come to Marin.”

  “Oh, come on! You had months to talk to me. Months, Zan! Whatever you have to say to me probably could have been said before today!”

  “Fuck!” There was a loud clatter, and the line went dead.

  I stuffed my phone in my pocket, then quickly dried my eyes. Why the hell was I crying? And what was the point of that call? Why would he bother warning me away from Jason? Zan Tillane didn’t give a flying fuck about me, never had.

  After taking a few deep breaths to calm myself, I went back into the kitchen. “Are you alright?” Nico asked.

  “Fine.”

  “Okay.” He looked less than convinced, but left it at that. “Are you ready to go?” I was letting Nico use my car while I was in New York, and he’d offered to drive me to the airport. But first, we were meeting Chance for brunch and one final photo shoot for his school project.

  “Yeah, right after I say goodbye to Nana.”

  I loaded my suitcase and garment bag in the trunk of my car, and then we joined my grandmother on the sidewalk in front of the house. She was yelling directions to Jessie. He was hanging partway out of an upstairs window, trying to secure one corner of a ten-foot-wide rainbow flag that was draped across the front of the house. “Doing a bit of decorating?” I asked her.

  “I got to talking to my new neighbor across the street, Mr. Donovan. He had some ugly things to say on the topic of marriage equality, so I wanna make it real clear where I stand on the issue. I sure wish that flag was bigger, though.”

  “We’re about to take off,” I told her. “I’m proud of you for taking a stand, but try not to start an all-out land battle with the neighbor.”

  “You’re leaving already?” Jessie yelled from the window.

  “Yeah. We have a couple things to do before we head to the airport,” I told him.

  “Hang on, don’t go yet,” Jessie said before ducking inside. Just a few seconds later, he flung open the front door, ran across the yard, and grabbed me in a fierce hug. “I’m going to miss you so much, Gi. Promise you’ll come back and visit really soon.”

  “I will, I promise.” I was surprised that he was so emotional about my departure.

  I kissed Nana on the cheek, and she said, “Good luck, Johnnie. You tell Jason Jax that he’ll have to answer to me if he doesn’t treat you right.”

  A few minutes later, as Nico drove us to the restaurant where we were meeting Chance, he asked, “What was that phone call about?”

  “I don’t even know,” I murmured.

  “You don’t?”

  “I guess Zan was pissed because I didn’t tell him I was leaving in person. But why would he care? He spends most of his time avoiding me, so he should be glad. That was just one less awkward conversation he was forced to endure with me.”

  *****

  I treated Nico and Chance to brunch, and then my cousin and I both participated in our friend’s photoshoot in Delores Park. When it was time to say goodbye, I hugged Chance and promised to keep in touch. He was pretty emotional too, and said he’d miss me. That was one thing about leaving, it really showed how much people cared.

  After the park, it took less than half an hour to drive to the huge airport south of the city. SFO was bustling as usual, but Nico found a spot in the loading zone in front of the departures terminal and helped me with my bags. I gave him a hug and thanked him for the ride, and he said, “Take care of yourself, Gi, and text me tonight. I want to know you got there okay.” I promised I would.

  I had over an hour to kill after I checked my bags and got my boarding pass, so I bought a paperback at a newsstand before finding my gate. It was tough to concentrate on its pages though, so I ended up putting it aside and staring out at the tarmac. Whenever I was in an airport, I sat facing the wall of windows because I liked watching the carefully orchestrated show outside, all those planes taking off and landing. But even that didn’t hold my attention.

  Instead, my thoughts wandered to Zan and that phone call. What the hell had happened there, and why did he hang up on me? It almost sounded like he’d thrown his phone. Did I really piss him off that much? What was even the point of that call? He obviously had a low opinion of Jason, but why bother to warn me away from him? It wasn’t like Zan cared what happened to me.

  Eventually, I was roused from my thoughts by an announcement over the P.A. system. My flight was about to board, beginning with first class. I got up and stretched my arms over my head, grabbing my right wrist with my left hand and leaning first to one side, then the other.

  As I headed to the gate, I became aware of a buzz sweeping through the crowd and stopped to look around. A big group of people was approaching quickly in the main concourse. My first thought was that something was wrong, maybe there had been some kind of security breach. Excited voices carried through the huge terminal.

  “What’s happening? What’s going on?” a woman to my right asked.

  Someone else a few feet away loudly exclaimed, “No way! Is that who I think it is?”

  I turned toward the concourse and caught a glimpse of a person running before everyone around me jumped to their feet and a really tall guy blocked my view. For just a moment, I’d thought I recognized the man at the head of the crowd. But that was impossible. No way on earth could that be—

  “Gianni!” Zan’s voice sounded frightened, desperate.

  I tried to run to him as my emotions surged wildly. I was both absolutely elated to see him and terrified for him at the same time, and it made my heart stutter in my chest. I wove through the passengers in the waiting area but when I reached the concourse, I came up against a solid mass of bodies. I had to push my way through. Everyone was talking at once. Most of them had their camera phones out and were jockeying for position, trying to get a shot. It was total chaos and I thought I’d never reach him.

  But finally, finally, I managed to break through the crowd. Zan and I spotted each other in the same instant. The fear in his eyes was immediately replaced with relief as he held his arms out to me. He was trembling when I grabbed him in an embrace.

  “Oh my God, it’s him, it’s Zan Tillane,” someone was yelling shrilly. “I thought he was dead! I can’t believe he’s here! Oh my God, I just can’t believe it!”

  “What are you doing here?” I asked Zan as I held him.

  “Begging you not to go to New York.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I need you, Gianni. I need you so fucking much,” he told me, hugging me as tightly as I was hugging him.

  “I wasn’t leaving you helpless. My brother was going to take over for me and bring you your groceries and anything you needed. You were still going to be cared for.”

  Zan pulled back and looked in my eyes, cupping my face with his hands. “I wasn’t worried about the damned groceries, Gianni.”

  I was startled when he leaned in and kissed me, my heart stumbling over itself. The kiss was tender and cautious, as if he wasn’t sure how I’d respond. I deepened it, parting my lips for him, and as soon as I did that he wrapped his arms around me again, clutching me to him as the kiss ignited. Zan kissed me like he couldn’t get enough, with need and hunger and raw desire, and my entire body responded. Everything fell away, the noise, the crowd, the cameras, until the whole world was distilled down to only Zan and me.

  It went on for a long time, and when we finally broke apart, both of us seemed a bit dazed. All we could do was stare at each other and try to make sense of what had just happened. But then the chaos swelled around us, like cranking up the volume on a television.

  More and more people were joining the crowd that surrounded us, and those on the outer edges were pushing in to get a look at Zan. That in turn drove the closer onlookers into us, collapsing the little bubble of space we’d occupied. Zan looked panicked and grabbed me as we were enveloped by the throng.

&
nbsp; His breathing sped up and a tremor went through him as he buried his face in my shoulder. I knew I had to do something, so I started moving us forward, trying to use my body to shield him from the crush of people. I didn’t know where to take him, I just knew I had to get him away from all of that before he totally lost it.

  We finally broke through the wall of bodies just as a trio of police officers arrived on the scene. Two of them tried to do some crowd control while the third exclaimed, “Whoa, you’re Zan Tillane! I thought you were dead.” He then quickly assessed the situation and guided us through a nearby security door.

  The officer asked what happened, and I explained before saying, “I really need to get him home. Can you please take us to a taxi?” Zan was still shaking, and I kept my arm around him as we made our way down a long, drab hallway.

  “A cab’s probably not the best idea,” the police officer said. “I’ll call a patrol car instead and we’ll take you where you need to go.”

  While he spoke into his transceiver, we wound our way through a series of corridors, and eventually exited a side door into what looked like a maintenance yard. A police cruiser pulled up not five minutes later. After we climbed into the backseat, I turned to Zan and said, “If it’s okay with you, I’d like to go to my house and get my car. Then I can drive you the rest of the way home.” When he nodded, I recited my address for the officer behind the wheel.

  Zan curled up with his feet on the seat as the car started down a narrow service road. That was when I noticed he was wearing a pair of dark green rubber galoshes that had been in his garage. He’d been barefoot every other time I’d seen him. “Thanks for getting me out of there,” he said quietly, turning his head to look out the window.

  “You’re welcome.”

  A few minutes passed before he said, “I’ve been gone for more than a decade. I didn’t think anyone still remembered me. Christian told me they did when we were talking about this a few months ago, but I didn’t really believe it. I knew coming here and being around so many people was going to be difficult for me, just because I wasn’t used to that anymore, but I never expected them to recognize me and chase me down like that.”