Belonging

by Alexa Land

  Chapter Sixteen

  Zan looked surprisingly shy the next morning, grinning at me over his shoulder as I came into the kitchen. He wore only his old, faded 501s, which rode a bit low on his narrow hips, his freshly washed hair hanging almost to his waistband. “I tried to make you some breakfast,” he said. “I wasn’t sure what you liked. I helped myself to some things in the cupboards, we’ll have to be sure to restock when it’s time to leave.”

  “Thank you. That’s incredibly sweet of you.”

  “What do you normally have?”

  “Just tea, but I’ll gladly make an exception this morning.” I picked up a blueberry muffin, broke off a piece and popped it in my mouth. It was...different.

  He looked a little concerned as he watched me. “I can’t remember the last time I baked, if ever. Even though that was from a mix, I’m pretty sure I cocked it up.”

  “It’s good. Did you try it?” When he shook his head I asked, “Would you?”

  “I don’t see why not.” I broke off a bit and fed it to him. “Is it supposed to taste like that?”

  That made me smile. “Basically.”

  “We’re missing some ingredients for proper cooking, like milk and eggs.”

  “You never eat either of those things.”

  “No, but you probably do.”

  “I can go to the store and get what we need,” I told him.

  “You can’t, you’re far too recognizable. A normal life is going to be all but impossible for you now, and it’s my fault.”

  “Zan, are you okay?” He was getting upset, and I didn’t know why.

  “Not really.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  He hesitated for a long moment before admitting, “I fucked up, Gianni. When I left my house to come after you, I forgot something important.”

  “What did you forget?”

  “My pills,” he muttered, averting his eyes.

  “What pills?”

  “The ones I take for my bipolar disorder. I feel myself slipping into a mood episode, which is the fancy phrase my doctor has for when I start to go all wonky, and there’s nothing I can do about it without my meds. I’ve already given you so fucking much to deal with, and now this!” He seemed genuinely distraught, and I pulled him into a hug.

  “I thought you didn’t take pills of any kind. Christian told me once that you hated the medicine for your bipolar disorder because of the way it made you feel, so you refused to take it.”

  “But that was me being a selfish prat,” he said. “I made my poor son put up with my highs and lows because I couldn’t stand what the medicine did to me, and that was terribly unfair. Then you came into my life, and I knew I had to get my shit together, no matter the cost. I needed to be a better man for you.”

  “Oh God, Zan,” I murmured.

  “I phoned up my doctor, the one who’d helped me years ago when I detoxed, and he agreed to write me a prescription without having to come into the office. Christian filled it for me. I made him promise not to tell you, because I didn’t want you to know how messed up I really was. I’ve been taking it for about two months. Or I was, until I left it behind.”

  “What did the drugs do to you that you didn’t like?”

  “The ones I was on before flattened out all my emotions. I felt like I was just existing, instead of really living. I wasn’t experiencing the extreme highs and lows, but I wasn’t really feeling much of anything else, either. I hated that deadness more than I hated the mood episodes.”

  “That must have been miserable. I can see why you wouldn’t want to take them.”

  “I should have kept trying,” Zan said. “It wasn’t as bad this time because the doctor tried a different drug and had been fine-tuning the dosage. I felt off the first few weeks, but then it improved.”

  I leaned against the counter and took both his hands in mine. “Tell me how I can help.”

  “I don’t know. I can have my doctor call in a refill to a pharmacy up here, but if we go get it, we’ll be recognized. I really need some downtime with you, we can’t go right back to being hounded by the paparazzi.”

  “You know what we need? An assistant, someone who can run errands for us and take care of whatever comes up that would require us going out in public,” I said. “I think we just need someone temporarily, while we’re up here at the lake. Once we return to the Bay Area, we have lots of family and friends that can help us.”

  “You’re right. Do you think one of your brothers might be able to come up here?”

  “Not them, they all have careers, kids, or both so they couldn’t really drop everything and come to Tahoe. My cousin Nico is busy with law school,” I said, thinking out loud, “and my best friend Yosh is a business owner, so they couldn’t get away. Nana needs Jessie more than we do, so that wouldn’t work either.” I thought for a moment, chewing my bottom lip, and finally said, “My friend Chance might be available.”

  “What does he do?”

  “He’s a prostitute, actually. I could ask him, but would knowing what he does for a living make you uncomfortable?”

  “That doesn’t even sort of concern me,” Zan said. “I’ve no problem with that whatsoever.”

  When I called Chance, he was really enthusiastic about the idea of acting as our assistant. He said he was finishing his photography class that morning and could come up in the afternoon. He didn’t have a car, so I told him I’d get him a rental. We worked out a few details before we disconnected.

  My next call was to Dante. I asked him if he could arrange a rental car and provide Chance with some petty cash, and told him I would reimburse him. My brother assured me he’d get right on it. He also said he’d pick up my luggage from Vincent and make sure that went along. One of the many great things about my oldest brother was that he was incredibly good at getting things done. I gave him Chance’s number so they could coordinate, and by the time we hung up, I felt confident that everything was totally under control.

  “Done,” I said, handing Zan the phone. “Go ahead and call your doctor’s office and see about getting your prescription forwarded up here. Oh, but wait. Isn’t his office closed today?”

  “It is,” Zan said, dialing a number, “but as one of his private clients, I call him at home.” Once that was taken care of, Zan gave the phone back to me and kissed my forehead. “Thank you, Gianni. You were amazingly efficient at getting that solved.”

  I grinned as I put the phone in my pocket. “Really, Dante’s the one ironing out a lot of the details. It’s both a blessing and a curse that we Dombrusos are a package deal. It means you have to put up with a boatload of crazy, but it also means an awful lot of people have our back, including my brothers and my grandmother.”

  “That’s a nice thing. Truth be told, I enjoy the crazy, too.”

  “Even if Nana tries to make out with you occasionally?” I said, my grin widening.

  That made Zan smile. “I have to admit, I didn’t see that coming. She’s a pistol, that one.”

  “Undeniably.” Then I said, “So, I have an idea. I haven’t gotten to work out in a few days, and neither have you. Want to put on some snowshoes and go for a hike? I think both of us would benefit from a bit of exercise.”

  “I’d love to, but how can we? This isn’t really the middle of nowhere.”

  “It’s not, but remember what Finn Nolan said when he was driving us up here? The land behind us is private property and his family is friends with the owners, so we can use the trails. It’s off-season right now, so I bet we wouldn’t see another person. But even if we did, it’s freezing out there so we’d be all covered up under sunglasses, caps, and parkas. No one would recognize us.”

  “Alright,” he said, “let’s do it. I’d love to stretch my legs.”

  After we were completely bundled in knit caps, parkas, gloves and boots, we found some snowshoes in the mudroom. It seemed like a lot of things had made it up to the cabin over the decades and remained there, including snowshoes f
rom probably the 1950s, the 1980s, and present day. We went with the modern versions.

  It turned out that snowshoeing in the soft, deep powder was surprisingly strenuous, even for two people in good shape. The higher elevation also slowed us down, as did the steep incline. It was a glorious day though, the sky a clear blue and the snowy forest around us sparkling like diamonds in the sunshine, and it felt good to exert ourselves.

  Eventually, we reached the summit of the small mountain, our breath forming clouds as we stopped and looked around us. As predicted, we hadn’t seen another person or even any footprints that would indicate anyone had been there recently. I was pretty overheated, the parka doing too much to keep me warm, and I unzipped it as Zan brushed off a big boulder with his gloved hand and sat down.

  “What an extraordinarily perfect view,” he murmured. I’d bent over to remove one of my snowshoes, and when I looked back at him, I saw that he was looking at my butt and not the panoramic scenery. Zan grinned and I smiled at him.

  Once both the snowshoes were off, I closed the distance between us. The clearing we were in was in full sun so the ground was bare, giving me a welcome break from those cumbersome contraptions. I leaned over and kissed him, seeing my reflection in his mirrored sunglasses. “This was a terrific idea,” he said. “Let’s do this every day that we’re here.”

  “Absolutely,” I said before kissing him again. He slid his hand around and cupped my ass as he sucked on my tongue. It was obvious he was getting aroused even before I reached down and massaged his swelling cock through his jeans.

  I crouched between his legs and opened his fly, then took his cock in my mouth. I removed my sunglasses and he did too, and I maintained eye contact as I sucked him, loving the electricity and incredible intimacy between us. His cock swelled between my lips as he let out a low moan. I rested my hands on his thighs and concentrated on making him feel as good as I possibly could.

  After a few minutes, I was rewarded with his orgasm. I felt a deep sense of satisfaction as he bucked and shook with pleasure. “Oh God,” he ground out, trying to be quiet, even though there was clearly no one within miles.

  When he’d finished, I tucked him back in his jeans and buttoned the fly, then kissed the bulge through the denim and straightened up again. As soon as I did that, he pulled me onto his lap and hugged me. “Thank you, love. That felt absolutely wonderful.”

  “I’m glad.” I snuggled contentedly in his arms.

  “Are you going to let me reciprocate?”

  “Later, okay? I just really wanted to do that for you.”

  “Alright, love.”

  “Am I too heavy? This must be uncomfortable for you,” I said as I reluctantly started to get up.

  Zan pulled me right back down again. “Stay right where you are. This is perfect.” I smiled as I settled down again and wrapped my arms around his shoulders.

  “My sweet, beautiful Gianni,” he murmured, holding me close. I felt so good, so safe in his arms. “How’d I get to be so lucky?”

  “I’m the lucky one,” I told him.

  “Far from it,” he murmured. Then he said, “Thank you for helping take care of things this morning. I appreciate the way you stepped in and problem-solved.”

  “I liked doing it.”

  “That’s the once-aspiring nurse in you, I suppose. It’s a shame you never followed through with that. A lot of people could have benefitted from your kindness and compassion.”

  “It wasn’t meant to be,” I said, shifting a bit on his lap to try to make it more comfortable for him.

  “What do you want for your future, Gianni? You’ve never really said.”

  “You.”

  Zan grinned at that. “You’ve got me already. What else?”

  “If you’re asking about a career, I don’t have an answer.”

  Zan tightened his arms around me and kissed my hair. After a while he said, “I was up last night, trying to figure out my life.”

  I glanced up at him and asked, “You couldn’t sleep?”

  He shook his head. “That’s alright though, because it gave me time to think. I had a lot to sort out. I’d assumed for such a long time that my career was a thing of the past, but these last few days surprised me. Seeing those fans rallying around us touched my heart. I told you I wanted a way to thank them, and the obvious way to do that is to sing for them. But then, I had to ask myself if I had it in me to tour again. Performing was a huge part of me for such a long time, and I realized I really do miss it.”

  I sat up and looked at him, cupping his cheek with my gloved hand. “But that’s what almost broke you, Zan, the pressure of touring and of giving of yourself until you had nothing left to give.”

  “It’d be different next time, though. It’d be on my terms. Maybe I’d only do one gig a week, or even one a month. The timetable wouldn’t be set by a record label or an agent or by concert promoters, because I don’t have that anymore. I think I could do it, Gianni, but this affects both of us so maybe you could plan it with me. Maybe we’d start small, just do one concert and see how it goes. Then we could take a break before deciding what was next.”

  “I don’t know, Alexzander. This makes me nervous. Are you ready for something like this?”

  “No, I’m not. I couldn’t possibly go out and do this tomorrow, or next week, or even next month. But I think I could do this eventually. I’ve made so much progress in a short time, more than I’d believed I was capable of, and it’s made me optimistic. For the first time in ages, I feel excited about the future. I know this conversation is really premature, but the thought of performing again and sharing it with you makes me happy.”

  “Really?”

  Zan nodded. “I loved performing in the early days, I absolutely thrived on it. It wasn’t until years later when I got so burned out that my favorite thing became a nightmare. I think I could return to that place, back to the sheer joy of it, as long as you’re with me every step of the way.”

  “I would be. But I hope you take your time with this decision and do a lot of soul searching,” I said, resting my forehead against his. “Make sure it’s truly what you want, not an obligation you feel to the fans. They love you and they don’t want you destroying yourself. Please make sure you’re not doing it for me, either. You don’t have to prove anything to me.”

  “The truth is, I’d be doing it for all of us, for you and me and the fans. When I think about traveling the world with you and singing again before an audience, it’s exciting! I know I need to get stronger first, and as I said, this discussion is quite premature. If I did this, it’d be months from now. But I wanted to share this idea with you, just like I want to share everything with you.”

  I smiled at him, then rubbed the tip of his red nose with my gloved knuckle. “Come on, let’s go back to the cabin and thaw out. I’ll bet your cute little butt’s frozen to that boulder by now.”

  “I’ve lost all feeling in it,” he said with a grin.

  I put the snowshoes and my sunglasses on, and we walked back down the slope hand-in-hand. After a while Zan said, “I’m going to try talking to a counselor again. I know I told you I wasn’t keen on the idea, but the more I think about it, the more I realize it’s actually a bit narrow-minded to lump all of them together based on a few bad experiences. I bet I could find someone who’d keep me moving forward. I have all this momentum right now, and I’m afraid of backsliding.”

  “I think that’s a good idea. Did you come up with that last night, too?”

  “I did.”

  “You were very productive while I was sleeping,” I said.

  “Oh, I was. I haven’t even told you the best thing I did yet.”

  “What is it?”

  “I went outside and turned on the Jacuzzi. It should be nice and warm by now, which is a damned good thing, since my legs have begun to freeze into icicles. I even used your smartphone and watched a video on how to adjust the chlorine levels and all that, and I tinkered with the water to make
sure it was ready for us today.”

  “I don’t know how you got up and made breakfast after all of that.”

  “Oh, I didn’t get up,” Zan told me. “I was still up. So when I fall asleep later, don’t write me off as an old fart. That nap will be perfectly justified.” I grinned at him and he offered me one in return.

  We headed straight to the hot tub when we got back. It felt amazing, after the initial shock of lowering our freezing lower halves into the steaming, swirling water. We went in naked and ended up making out like a couple of horny high school kids as Zan jerked me off, reciprocating just like he’d promised. I stood up right before I shot, trying to not completely disrespect our hosts’ Jacuzzi, and ending up spraying the long pine needles that carpeted the ground around us before quickly plunging back into the water. “Bonus points for distance,” Zan quipped. “That was quite impressive, really.”

  “Thanks. See? I do have some skills. There’s hope for me after all.”

  I slid over so I was right beside him, and he put his arm around me. After a while I ventured, “So, the pharmacy is probably going to be closed by the time Chance gets up here. I was kind of concerned about that, but I have to say, it seems like you’re doing well. It looked like you were a little depressed this morning, but that doesn’t seem to be the case anymore. Am I wrong? Are you just covering up what you’re really feeling for my sake? I hope you never do that, because I want to know what’s going on with you.”

  “I’m still on the verge of a full-blown mood episode, actually. You’ll learn to recognize them as you get to know me. Or, well, maybe you won’t since I’m planning to stay on my meds so neither of us has to keep dealing with this.”

  “What’s it like for you?” I asked quietly.

  “I’m not sure I can explain it properly, but I’ll give it a go.” He stopped to think about it before saying, “What I was talking about, being up all night and feeling highly productive? That’s part of it. My sleep gets completely disrupted. An odd thing is that, for me and for some other people with this disorder, it often occurs in what my doctor calls a mixed state, depression and mania at the same time. Most people think of bipolar disorder like a pendulum swinging. One day you’re incredibly happy, the next you’re completely depressed. But it’s not necessarily like that. For me, I can feel both hopeless and energized at the same time.”