by Alexa Land
*****
Six days after Zan took off, I was still sleeping erratically and often napping during the day, which meant I was up most nights. I’d been pacing around my room at three a.m., trying to come up with new ideas for tracking him down. He doesn’t want to be found, Johnnie. I kept thinking about what my brother had said. He wasn’t wrong. But I just didn’t have it in me to accept that and move on. I loved Zan way too much for that.
My bedroom started to feel claustrophobic after a while, so I slid my feet into a pair of sneakers and pulled an old hoodie on over my t-shirt and pajama bottoms. When I opened my bedroom door and stepped through it, I almost fell over Tom Selleck. The puppy sat up, thumping his tail on the floor, and I crouched down and scratched his ears. “Hey there, Tommy,” I whispered. “Thanks for keeping watch, but you should go to bed now.” He hoisted himself to his big feet and licked my face, then headed down the hall to Nana’s room. The dog pushed the door open with his nose and went inside, as if he’d completely understood me.
The house was still, but a light was on under Nico’s door when I went past. He was undoubtedly up late studying, as was often the case. I didn’t want to interrupt him, so I kept going and headed downstairs.
When I cut through the dimly lit kitchen, I noticed Nana had baked a coffee cake for the next morning and left it to cool on the counter. She did so much for this family, tirelessly providing for all of us, and this was just one more example. I really needed to think of some way to thank her.
I went through the sun porch and out the back door, then sat on the steps leading down to the yard and took a deep breath. The night was clear, a full moon illuminating Cockhenge and the rest of the garden. I felt a little better out there, less agitated.
After a while, I pushed myself to my feet and wandered through the garden, eventually ending up at the treehouse. A dim light was on inside. My nephews had been over earlier in the day and must have left something on.
I climbed the ladder and let myself in, then closed the door behind me. When I looked up, my breath caught. “Alexzander.” I whispered his name and felt like I was dreaming.
Zan looked nothing like himself. His hair was loosely tied back in a low ponytail and he sported a short beard. He was dressed in work boots, worn-out jeans, a flannel shirt over a t-shirt, and an old brown coat. There was a baseball cap in his hands, and he fidgeted with the brim.
He crossed the small space without a word, stopping just a couple feet away from me, and searched my face, his eyes full of emotion. I reached out tentatively and touched a strand of hair that had escaped the elastic band. “I missed you so much,” I whispered.
Zan fell to his knees, dropping the cap and embracing me around my waist. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” he blurted. “I have absolutely no idea. I thought I was doing the right thing when I left, but then why does it hurt so bloody much?”
I stroked his hair as he rested his head against my stomach and said, “It’s alright.”
“It’s not. I hurt you by leaving. That’s most definitely not alright and I’m so fucking sorry. It seemed like the only solution at the time, after witnessing all the chaos I’d brought to you and your loved ones. But I need you, Gianni. I need you so fucking much. I know that’s incredibly selfish, because being with me means you can never have a normal life, and all I have to offer you in exchange is a broken man. But I’m begging you, please take me back. Please, Gianni, forgive me.”
I dropped to my knees and clutched him to me. “You don’t need to ask for forgiveness. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I did. I hurt you when I left, and hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do.”
“You thought you were doing the right thing, and I understand why you did it. You just made one mistake, and that was telling me what I needed instead of asking me. If you’d asked, I would have told you I don’t care about any of that stuff, the paparazzi, the spotlight, the fact that I won’t have what you call a normal life. I need you, Alexzander, as much as you need me, if not more. I love you so fucking much. Don’t you see? A life without you isn’t worth living.”
“Oh God, Gianni,” he murmured before kissing me. It was wild and passionate and ravenous, and every part of me responded. In the next moment we were tearing each other’s clothes off. I kissed him again, pushing my tongue into his mouth, and he grabbed my ass, pulling me against him.
When I was naked, I bent down and sucked his hard cock quickly, wetting it in place of lube, then got on my back on the floor and parted my legs for him. Zan pushed into me and began fucking me hard and fast. I moaned and put my ankles on his shoulders so he could drive into me even deeper, rocking my body up to meet each thrust. Our pace was frantic. He leaned down and kissed me as he took me, and I moaned against his lips. After a few minutes of this, he took hold of my cock and brought me to orgasm with a few quick strokes. As I cried out and arched up off the floor, Zan came in me. He gritted his teeth, fighting back a yell, and pumped into me.
He slowed gradually, finally leaning down and kissing me tenderly as he eased himself from my body. “I love you so much, Gianni.” His tone was hushed, and he gathered me in his arms carefully.
“I love you too, Alexzander. More than anything.”
He slid a pillow under my head and I pulled a blanket over us. We remained like that for a long time, with him on top of me, bearing the weight on his knees and elbows. “I’m still so sorry,” he whispered, his head on my shoulder.
“It’s in the past now,” I told him. “You’re back and we’re together. That’s all that matters.”
“My sweet, beautiful Gianni,” he murmured, running his palm over my chest. “I missed you so much. I can’t even begin to tell you.”
“Where did you go?” I stroked his thick hair, all of which had escaped from the ponytail.
“I tried to find Jeff Franco.”
“Your agent?”
Zan nodded. “He was also my friend once, and had helped me through some really hard times. I thought if I went and apologized to him, we could be friends again and he’d help me through this, too.” Zan’s voice was so quiet when he said, “Last I heard, he’d been living on a boat down in the yacht harbor. I hopped the fence to the marina and was trying to remember which slip he was in when the maintenance man caught me. I was trespassing and could have gone to jail for it but he recognized me, said he was a big fan of my music. I asked about Jeff, and that’s when he told me my friend had died of a heart attack last year. I had no idea.”
“I’m so sorry.”
Zan said, “I broke down crying right there on the dock. It was the last straw. I was already devastated by walking away from you and deeply shaken because of what had happened at your party, and that news on top of it all was just too much. Lawrence was so kind to me. That’s the maintenance man. He took me to the little cottage where he lives, right there beside the marina, and made me a cup of tea. Then he told me how he’d taken his wife to a concert of mine on one of their first dates. He got really wistful when he talked about it. He told me she’d passed away at thirty-one from an aneurism. No warning at all. That was twenty years ago. He’d never remarried, never even dated in all that time. I asked him if he got lonely, and he said, ‘I would, but I have my work, my cat, and your music, and that’s all I need to keep me company.’ I thought he was joking about the latter, until he showed me the stack of cassettes beside his old radio. Eighty percent of them were mine. He had a few of Bowie’s, too. I certainly didn’t fault him for that.” He grinned a little.
“Is that where you were this whole time?”
Zan nodded. “I helped out where I could to repay him for his kindness. I also left over nine thousand dollars and a thank you note hidden in his coffee mug for him when I took off earlier this evening. I hope he uses some of it to buy a new radio. The old one’s held together with duct tape and isn’t going to last much longer.”
“You had that much money with you?”
“
Yeah. I’d grabbed it out of my cash box in the archive before we headed to the party, with the intention of reimbursing Dante for the money he’d sent along to Tahoe for us. I completely forgot about it though, once we were there. I’m absentminded about that sort of thing.”
“I went to Crissy Field the night you took off. You were so close, but I had no idea.”
“You did?”
I nodded. “Shea helped me track the cab you took, but the trail went cold there. That reminds me. I need to text your son, he’s been worried about you.”
“He’s asleep now, we can call him in the morning.”
“Why’d you cut yourself off from everyone, even Christian? I kept checking with Chet Stanton and with your doctor, but you’d pulled a total vanishing act.”
“I just needed a few days to get myself together. I had every intention of getting in touch with Christian once I was no longer a sodding basket case. But I figured until then, he had enough on his plate without loading on my problems, too.”
“So, for almost a week, you worked around the marina and no one recognized you?”
Zan nodded. “Here’s the thing about obscenely wealthy old money types like the ones that keep their yachts in that harbor. They don’t really notice people that they deem beneath them. With those old clothes I was wearing and my overall scruffiness, I was basically invisible as far as they were concerned.”
“A lot of people do that, not just rich ones.”
“True.”
I stroked his hair and kissed him before whispering, “I’m so glad you’re back.”
“Me too. You have no idea how glad I am. I was absolutely miserable without you. Every day I’d lose my resolve and start to come to you, but I kept telling myself I was staying away for your own good, that you’d forget about me eventually and the press would move on and you’d get your life back. I just couldn’t do it, though. I don’t even know how I lasted six days.”
I raised an eyebrow and said, “How could you think I’d forget about you? Don’t you hear me when I tell you how much I love you?”
“I hear you, but I don’t feel worthy of it.”
“You need to work on that.”
“I know,” Zan said before kissing my chest.
“Promise me something.”
“I promise to never run away like that again.”
I smiled and said, “Oh, you can run away again. But next time, you have to promise to take me with you.”
Zan smiled, too. “I absolutely will, love. I was completely daft to think I could live without you.”
“So, you know where you belong now.”
“Wherever you are,” he said softly. “That’s where I belong.”
Chapter Twenty-Two
The weather was absolutely perfect for Christian and Shea’s wedding. They’d opted to keep things simple and were holding the ceremony on the rooftop garden of their new house. The midcentury modern home was perched on a hill above the Castro, offering truly spectacular views of the city. It was an early summer evening, the sky deepening to a rich gold as the city lights came on down below and a gentle breeze stirred the potted palms and strands of white lights all around the garden.
I sat in the front row with Nana to my right and Skye’s husband Dare to my left. Vincent and his family were right behind me, and his son Josh was fidgeting with his tie, tightening it, loosening it, then tightening it again. There were about forty guests in all, including many of Shea’s cousins and his uncles and aunts, but his parents were notably absent. It infuriated me that they’d boycott their son’s wedding, just because their religion told them being gay was wrong. Shea wasn’t going to let it ruin the day, though.
Jessie, who sat on Nana’s other side, leaned over to tell us, “I have tissues if anybody needs them. I always cry at weddings.” He held up a pocket pack with Lightning McQueen on it.
“Gimme some of those,” Nana said. “I always get a little misty eyed myself. There’s nothing I love as much as a wedding. It didn’t work out so well for me, but I still believe in happily ever after with all my heart.”
“Do you think you’d get married again, Nana?” Jessie asked as he handed her a couple tissues.
“Me? I dunno. I tried that internet dating thing a couple years ago, but then my no-good husband came back and I stopped looking. Our reunion didn’t last long. That man couldn’t be faithful if he was one of the last two people left on earth.” Nana smoothed the skirt of her pink Chanel suit and tucked the tissues in her pocket before adding, “I guess I should go ahead and divorce that louse. The Catholic Church doesn’t exactly approve of that, but then, they and I don’t see eye to eye on a whole lot.”
“You should, Nana. You deserve better than him,” Jessie said.
“Do you think if I did divorce that bum and got serious about looking, there might be a man out there for me?”
“Absolutely,” Jessie told her. “I think there’s someone for each of us. Maybe even for me.”
“What happened with you and that cute Eddie fellow?” Nana asked.
“I had such a crush on him,” Jessie said, “but I blew it. I did the same thing I always do. I ended up pushing too hard and he pulled back. I’m just totally incapable of playing it cool. We’re still friends, but that’s all he wants from me.”
Nana told him, “When you find the right guy, it won’t matter. You can just be your cute, enthusiastic self and he’ll love you for it.” Jessie grinned at her as she patted his hand.
The grooms took their places at the railing with the city skyline as their backdrop. Zan and Skye shared best man honors for Christian. On Shea’s side, that honor was split four ways, between his brother Finn and his buddies and former roommates Leo, Cas and Ridley. Shea had known the somewhat nerdy trio since grade school.
His friends lined up solemnly to the right of the couple, each dressed in a dark sport coat. But then the three of them stripped off their coats and cast them aside, revealing red Star Trek uniforms. Cas raised his fist in the air and yelled, “Represent!” The audience applauded and cheered, and the couple burst out laughing. Okay, scratch the ‘somewhat’.
The wedding official was an attractive woman of about fifty with black hair, a full figure and a pierced nose. As she took her place, Chance circled at a distance, snapping photos. “Let’s begin,” she said. Christian and Shea faced each other and joined hands. Each groom was dressed in a light colored linen suit, not matching but complementing each other perfectly, which was apt for those two. As the official welcomed the guests, the two men stared at each other with awe and reverence. It was beautiful to see two people so totally head-over-heels in love.
I glanced at Zan, who was subtly wiping tears from his lower lashes with the back of his index finger. He was dressed in a navy blue suit that looked really modern, even though he’d found it buried deep in the archive, and a white shirt that was open at the collar, his long, dark hair stirring slightly in the breeze. My heart leapt, not only because he was incredibly beautiful, but also because I was so touched by the way his son’s wedding moved him to tears. That man is mine, I thought, sitting up a little straighter. How’d I get so incredibly lucky? Zan caught my eye and we exchanged smiles before turning our attention to the couple.
After the official led them through the traditional ceremony, the grooms said a few words. Shea went first, grinning shyly. “You saw something in me that I never saw in myself, Christian. You looked past my shyness and awkwardness and you saw someone worthwhile. You helped me believe in myself, which I never thought possible. You make me feel so incredibly loved, every single day, and I love you more than anything in this world. I promise to be by your side, always, through whatever life throws our way.” He’d already proven that a thousand times over.
When it was Christian’s turn, he said softly, “You gave me a future, Shea. I’d given up and was measuring my remaining time on this earth in months, not years. But you gave me the strength and courage to make it through those clinica
l trials, then the surgery and chemo. You’re the strongest, most loving, most remarkable man I’ve ever met, and I’ll never come close to expressing how much I love you and how grateful I am for all you’ve done for me. I’m alive right now because of you, because you kept believing I could beat that tumor and you made me believe it, too. You gave me the most amazing gift, an entire lifetime to spend with you. I absolutely adore you.” He took Shea’s face between his hands. “Those words aren’t nearly enough. They don’t begin to express what you mean to me or the extent of my love for you. But maybe this does.” Christian kissed him passionately as the wedding official pronounced them married and the audience leapt to their feet, cheering and applauding.
*****
Later that night as I danced with Zan under the stars, he seemed a bit anxious. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, “I keep waiting for a helicopter to buzz the house with a camera crew hanging out of it and wreck my son’s reception.”
“That won’t happen. All the guests are friends or family and they know to keep quiet. Even the caterer and photographer are friends, so there’s no one that would alert the paparazzi.”
Zan rested his forehead against mine as we swayed to the music. “I’ve been thinking. The more we stay out of sight, the more it feeds the media frenzy. I want to start putting myself out there again, but I want to do it on my terms. I’m going to contact Eddie Guerrera and see if he’ll help me with a project. I have dozens of songs I composed over the last decade and I want to record some of them and begin posting weekly videos for my fans. Maybe each week I’ll perform a new song and then do a short interview. What do you think?”