Out of the Shadows

by Susan Lewis

  Still absorbing it all, Patsy said, ‘But if Juliette’s a danger to her son, why doesn’t he take full custody?’

  ‘As far as I know he tried and the courts did not rule in his favour, which isn’t to say he can’t try again, of course, but his aunt tells me he is afraid of what she will do if he wins. She’s attempted to overdose a couple of times, and had to be pumped out.’

  ‘But she has to take responsibility for herself,’ Patsy protested, ‘and the child’s welfare should come first. He’s obviously going to be better off with his father, especially if she’s getting high on drugs, or taking off to parties at a moment’s notice. What if Frank can’t get there for some reason? Anything could happen to the child.’

  ‘Juliette has live-in help, which minimises the risk,’ Claudia assured her. ‘I think that’s why the courts were more sympathetic to her. If it were just her and Jean-Luc, Frank, I’m sure, would have the boy with him by now.’

  Patsy turned to look at the empty desk in the next office. ‘He hides it all very well,’ she said. ‘You’d never know from how good-humoured he is around the office that he must be sick with worry inside.’

  ‘Céline tells me that being here, throwing himself into his work and the relationships he has with his colleagues is a very welcome release. He can be Frank the executive; Frank the manager; Frank the fast thinker, even Frank the clown, because I know he has that tendency at times. It’s only when he leaves here that he has to be Frank the father.’

  ‘You missed out Frank the flirt,’ Patsy muttered, ‘but I think we need to change the subject because he’s just come up in the lift. Before he gets here, should I let on that you’ve told me any of this? Or should I let him think his secret is safe?’

  ‘It’s up to you,’ Claudia replied, getting up to greet him, and opening her arms she treated him to one of her most affectionate smiles as he came to embrace her. ‘Frank, my dear, I swear you get more devilishly sexy every time I see you,’ she teased.

  ‘And you, Claudia, should be the face for our products, because you get younger by the day. Just looking at you is enough to seduce a song from my soul.’

  Laughing and groaning, Patsy continued to watch him, aware of a stirring inside that she recognised as her defences melting in the face of who he really was. Frank the father. She decided it suited him, and made him even more appealing than he already, bizarrely, was, in spite of the difficulties he’d bring into a relationship. Realising what she was thinking she brought herself up short, and turned to check her mobile as it conveniently bleeped.

  Call as soon as you can. Very urgent. S x

  * * *

  Susannah was in her private shower room at the lodge, staring at a short white wand that was confirming her worst fears. She hadn’t wanted to think it, hadn’t allowed herself to entertain even the slightest suspicion until this past weekend, because she simply couldn’t accept that life would deliver such a blow as to make her pregnant now. In the end, though, she’d had to face the possibility. The tiredness, loss of appetite and queasiness weren’t going away, and though she’d started taking the Pill after she and Alan had got back together, there were the few occasions at the start, when they hadn’t used contraception – and there was no knowing either, how long it had taken to kick in when she had begun taking it.

  As she sat there, fighting back tears of frustration and despair, she could only thank God that she wasn’t required on set again today. She’d have to be there for this evening’s press launch, however, and somehow she’d have to make herself face Michael Grafton. The mere thought of it caused a sob to catch in her throat. He’d remember only too well how her pregnancy with Neve had lost her the first series he’d cast her in, and she’d almost rather die than have to break the same news to him again. What the hell was he going to think of her? He might even wonder if she’d delayed telling him in order to make sure she got the part first.

  Hearing her mobile ringing she ran into the bedroom, and seeing it was Pats she clicked on in a panic. ‘Thank God,’ she gasped. ‘Oh Pats, you’re not going to believe this. I’m bloody well pregnant.’

  There was a moment’s stunned silence before Patsy said, ‘Well, this has to be the worst timing in history. I thought you were on the Pill.’

  ‘I am, now, but the first month … I must be about eight weeks gone.’

  ‘Not too late for a termination? Is that what you’re thinking?’

  ‘Yes. No! I don’t know. Oh Pats, I can’t be pregnant now.’

  ‘I wouldn’t argue with that, but if you are … Have you told Alan yet?’

  ‘Good God, no. I only found out myself just before I sent you the text.’

  ‘How do you think he’ll take it?’

  With a sinking dismay Susannah said, ‘He’ll be over the moon. He even said at the weekend that he hopes my job doesn’t rule out the possibility of us trying at some stage.’

  ‘And you didn’t mention anything then about the fact that you might already be?’

  ‘No, I couldn’t. I know this is awful … Oh Pats, you’re going to think I’m dreadful, but I don’t actually want him to know.’

  ‘Maybe it’s best he doesn’t until you’ve sorted out what you want to do. What about Neve? How do you think she’ll respond to the idea of a brother or sister so much younger than she is?’

  Susannah shook her head, at a loss. ‘There was a time I’d have said she’d be delighted,’ she replied, ‘but she’s all over the place at the moment. She was really edgy with me on Saturday, sulky and uncommunicative, then she took herself off to Melinda’s and didn’t come back again. I hardly saw her, and I haven’t had a text from her yet today either. Oh Pats, what am I going to do about this? If I tell Alan I’ll have to keep it, but if I don’t tell him it’ll be cheating him of his own child, and I don’t think I could live with myself if I did that.’

  ‘The best thing is not to make any decisions right now,’ Patsy told her firmly. ‘You need some time to get over the shock, then you might be able to think more clearly. Are you still feeling crap?’

  ‘Yes, but it comes and goes. If it carries on, though, someone’s going to put two and two together, and I don’t even want to think about how Marlene Wyndham’s going to take it. Plus, I’ve arranged to have dinner with Michael Grafton tomorrow night. How am I going to get through that knowing I’m about to screw up the entire series when it’s hardly even had a chance to get on air? I know this is going to sound crazy, but I feel like I’ve betrayed him, and actually, I have, because this is the second time he’s given me a big break, and now I’ve gone and blown it again.’

  ‘Not necessarily,’ Patsy said comfortingly. ‘A termination is the most likely answer, but don’t let’s be hasty. You’re obviously really worked up right now, which is hardly surprising, but you have to try and relax a little. Try some meditation if you can, and drink some herbal tea – what was in that tonic the doctor gave you last week, any idea?’

  ‘No, but I don’t suppose I should take any more. And what about riding? I’m scheduled to be with Silver virtually all day on Wednesday. Oh God, Pats, this is a nightmare. Please tell me I’m going to wake up any minute.’

  ‘I wish I could, but we’ll find a way through this, I promise. Meantime, put your feet up and don’t do anything rash like telling Alan, or booking into a clinic, OK? No decisions have to be made today, or tomorrow, so we still have time to be sure it’s the right one when you do come to take it.’

  Feeling slightly calmer after speaking to Pats, Susannah put the phone down and lay back against the pillows. In spite of the turmoil inside her it wasn’t long before her eyelids started to droop, then remembering that she still hadn’t heard from Neve today, she forced herself up again and pressed in a text.

  Getting worried. Where are you? Please call to let me know you’re OK.

  Neve was staring down at the text, not really focusing on the words. The phone was lying loosely in her hand, like an object that was already forgotten. S
he was in one of the toilet cubicles at school, the door locked and the lid of the seat pulled down for her to sit on. The closeness of the walls was making her feel safe from the people and noises outside. Dimly she was registering the sound of girls playing and shouting, occasionally getting louder when someone came in, then fading again as they left. She didn’t listen to their conversations, she was only aware of words in the air passing over her like birds in the sky.

  Absently she pressed in two letters, OK, and sent them. Then she went on staring at the phone, thinking of the message and imagining it was her, flying away over the rooftops and countryside and not stopping until she was miles and miles away and with her mother. Safe in her arms, tucked up in her bed.

  She wasn’t going to think about what had happened last week, because it was her own fault and now nothing could change it. Not thinking, or crying, or even cuddling up to Lola, who’d always made everything better.

  He’d told her it was what she wanted, and he’d kept on telling her, even though she’d said it wasn’t, and she’d begged him to stop. He’d wiped away her tears and told her not to be afraid, but she couldn’t help it. She’d wanted to scream, but there was no one to hear her, and later she’d wanted to run to her mother, but her mother wasn’t there. She’d lain alone on her bed, like she was sitting alone now, knowing that if she ever told anyone it would spoil everything for her mum. She wouldn’t be able to stay in Derbyshire any more, and maybe the newspapers would find out why, and then the whole world would know and that would be worse than anything, because it was all her fault.

  ‘You know this is what you want,’ he’d whispered, ‘so don’t be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you.’

  She was so ashamed that she couldn’t even speak to Sasha any more. She only wanted to be with Lola. They watched TV together, Neve with her head in Lola’s lap as Lola stroked her hair and her back, as though stroking the badness away. It was still there when she got up, though, and she knew in her heart that it would never go away.

  ‘You wanted me to see you, didn’t you?’ he’d said. ‘That night in the bathroom.’

  She’d denied it, but it was the truth, because she had. It had seemed like a game then, thrilling and terrifying, with no consequences to pay. Now she knew better.

  ‘You’re as beautiful as your mother,’ he’d told her, and she’d closed her eyes like a child who thought it made them invisible.

  It was what she was doing now, closing her eyes to make herself invisible, but she was still here. She could feel herself from the inside out. Everything was dull and heavy, her heart, her mind, her limbs, her shame. She’d made it happen.

  ‘It was your idea to come and spend the night,’ he’d reminded her, ‘so you see, it is what you want. You’re just feeling apprehensive now, but it’ll be all right.’

  It wasn’t, and it never would be again. Her mother was in love with him, and would probably marry him, so they’d always have to live with him. And her mother would be working on the series, a long way from home, and she would be in London, where he was, unable to get away from him. He’d said he was going to pick her up from school tomorrow night, but she didn’t want him to. She’d rather walk all the way to Lola’s, or take the bus, but if she did that he’d said he would tell her mother what had happened and it would break her mother’s heart to know that her own daughter had betrayed her so badly.

  Moving through the party, smiling, laughing, pretending to sip champagne and to be as euphoric as everyone else wasn’t proving quite as difficult as Susannah had feared. She’d felt certain that her inner turmoil would show, and even spoil the evening, but the screening had received such a warm reception from the press that her personal issues had receded into the background for a while. Now, she was enjoying being steered from one showbiz reporter to another, all eager for sound bites, or an actual live interview down the line to their various programmes.

  ‘Susannah Cates is set to become an overnight sensation,’ she’d heard one of them announce to his studio in London, having to shout to make himself heard above the noise of the party. ‘I can highly recommend that everyone tunes in tomorrow at eight thirty, because you won’t be sorry.’

  Compliments were flying as fast as champagne corks were popping. Everyone was in high spirits, and provided she kept her thoughts away from the dreaded truth she was carrying around with her, the elation was very easy to slip into.

  She’d seen Michael Grafton several times, but only across the room. He’d spotted her once and raised his glass, but a few minutes ago, when she’d noticed him coming towards her, she’d linked George Bremell’s arm and kept him by her side as Michael congratulated them both. Then Marlene had come to whisk Susannah away. Everyone wanted to meet her, and she was delighted to meet them. This was everything she’d ever dreamt of and more than she’d dared hope, because the press was on her side – at least for now. She knew that could change at any time, but for tonight, and tomorrow, she would allow herself to bask in their enthusiasm and to enjoy their attention.

  ‘I heard you were unwell last week,’ a voice said behind her.

  Turning round she smiled into Michael Grafton’s eyes with more warmth than she’d intended. It caught him off guard and he raised his eyebrows inquisitively, which made her laugh and blush.

  ‘I’m fine now,’ she assured him. ‘Just a passing bug, or virus.’

  ‘Good. So we’re still on for dinner tomorrow evening?’

  ‘Of course. I’m looking forward to it.’

  He eyed her curiously, as though sensing there might be more behind the smile, but then someone was calling for his attention and he moved away.

  ‘It was heaven and hell in equal measures,’ she told Pats when she finally collapsed into bed later and rang her. ‘But at least I got through it without throwing up, or fainting, or disgracing myself by breaking down and sobbing my heart out, which is what I feel like doing right now.’

  ‘Did you see Michael Grafton?’

  ‘Yes, but we didn’t speak for long. There were so many people there and everyone wanted to talk to the actors.’

  ‘I can imagine. Anyway, it was a success and now you’re all feeling very positive about tomorrow’s transmission?’

  ‘I think so. I mean, there are bound to be one or two bad crits, it would be naive not to expect it, but the early feedback was everything we could have hoped for. I’m sure Marlene’s ecstatic, but she’d never let it show. I only wish I could say the same for how furious she’s going to be when she finds out about me.’

  ‘Does that mean you’ve come to a decision?’

  ‘Not really. I just keep weighing every scenario in my mind, and each one seems to be worse than the last. The only person who’s going be thrilled about this is Alan.’

  ‘Whom you still haven’t told?’

  ‘Actually I’ve hardly spoken to him today, so I should probably call before I go to sleep. The trouble is, I don’t know if I can face it.’

  ‘Send him a text and say you’re still at the party, so don’t wait up. He might not like it much, but at least it’ll let you off the hook for tonight.’

  Susannah nodded vaguely.

  ‘Then tomorrow,’ Patsy continued, ‘I think you should consider telling Michael Grafton what’s happened.’

  Susannah groaned as her insides rebelled against the very idea.

  ‘I’ve been giving it some thought,’ Patsy went on, ‘and I reckon, from what you’ve told me about him, that even though he won’t be thrilled, obviously, he might appreciate your honesty, and if anyone can advise you about what it could mean for your future with the series, it has to be him. Or Marlene, of course, but I’m sure you’d rather it was him.’

  ‘Yes, I would,’ Susannah said weakly. ‘In fact, I’d more or less come to the same conclusion, and now I’ve heard you say it … I just wish to God it wasn’t happening, because it feels such a betrayal of Alan, telling someone else before I’ve even told him.’

  ‘He doesn’t h
ave to know that, so don’t lose sleep over it now.’

  ‘I’ll try not to. Thanks for listening, and being there. I don’t know how I’d get through any of it without you. Now before I go, tell me, how did it go with Claudia today? Have you had a chance to ask her about Frank yet?’

  ‘Yes, but I’ll put it in an email tomorrow. You’re tired now, and so am I.’

  ‘Is it good or bad?’

  ‘Coming at it from my perspective I’d say good, I suppose. From his … I’m not sure what he’d say. I guess I’ll find out in the morning when I tell him what I know, and very possibly what I think.’

  Frank was watching Patsy with cautious eyes. His smile was slightly crooked, and his eyebrows were forming a pointed roof over the bridge of his beaked nose. They were in the small conference room, behind Patsy’s office, where the other company directors were due to join them soon for the weekly update. This perhaps wasn’t the best time to have told him what she now knew about his private life, but she’d wanted it out in the open before he could perform another of his vanishing acts.

  ‘I just wish you’d told me,’ she said, leaning against a windowsill and folding her arms. ‘In fact, I don’t understand why you didn’t. It’s hardly anything to be embarrassed about.’

  He appeared to give this some thought, then said, ‘It is my personal life, and I think that has no place in the office.’

  ‘But you’re giving it one when you disappear without a word,’ she pointed out.

  He looked away.

  ‘Frank, having a son, and doing what you have to to keep him safe, is your duty, and caring about him as much as you do is something to be proud of. You surely can’t think I’d have viewed it any other way.’

  ‘You have no children. Maybe you do not understand …’

  ‘That is a particularly offensive assumption,’ she told him angrily. ‘I don’t need children to have compassion, and clearly you have a problem in your personal life that deserves it.’