Elliot and the Last Underworld War

by Jennifer A. Nielsen

  "You can change shapes?" she asked.

  "He's a Shapeshifter," Elliot said.

  "And what does he really look like?"

  Elliot shrugged. "Whatever he wants."

  Cami looked from Elliot to Harold and back to Elliot, and with each turn of her head, her face got redder and redder.

  "Are you mad?" Elliot asked. Was it really such a big deal if a Shapeshifter had pretended to be him for a few days? So what if the only reason he and Cami were sort of friends was because Harold had been so nice to her during that time? He really didn't see what the problem was.

  Cami poked Elliot in the chest. "I decided to be friends with you because you were so nice when we did the science experiment together. But that wasn't you being nice. It was him. Which means you never wanted to be my friend in the first place!"

  Elliot wanted to tell her she was wrong about all of that, but she wasn't. It had never been his idea to be Cami's friend. However, now that she was, he didn't mind it so much. In fact, sometimes her friendship wasn't awful at all.

  Then she turned to Harold. "Why do you keep saying I'm the love of your life?"

  He smiled shyly. "Because you are the most wonderful human I've ever known. The most beautiful, the kindest, and with a voice that melts my heart."

  Elliot couldn't stop himself. He gagged.

  Cami's face scrunched up. "Get out!" she said to Elliot.

  Elliot backed up a step. "It's my room!"

  "I don't care. Get out!" Turning to Harold, she added, "If you really liked me, then you wouldn't have lied about who you are! You get out too!"

  She backed both Elliot and Harold out of his room, then slammed the door on them. The door even flattened Harold's nose for a second before it popped back into place.

  "Quiet up there!" Wendy hissed from downstairs. "Reed's asleep."

  Harold turned to Elliot, his eyes wide. "The love of my life yelled at me."

  "I guess we probably deserved it," Elliot said. "I never thought of how she'd feel about you pretending to be me."

  Then Harold smiled. "Hey, I just realized that was our first fight. One day she and I will look back on this moment and laugh about it all."

  Elliot rolled his eyes, then cracked open the door to his room. Cami still stood in the doorway with her arms crossed and eyebrows pressed low. Before she could speak, he said, "We're both sorry about what we did. And it's okay if you don't want to forgive us yet, but we really need your help."

  "How?"

  "Do you still have the paper-mache doll of me from when we played Capture the Flag this morning?"

  "You made fun of it."

  "I know. I'm sorry about that too. But I need it now."

  "I already took the doll home."

  "Can you go get it? And then maybe bring it to the same place in the woods where you had it this morning?" She hesitated, and he added, "You don't have to do this for me, or for Harold, but would you do it for the human race?"

  Slowly, Cami nodded. "I'll do it for the human race, minus you two."

  Harold smiled. "Actually, I'm not part of the human race. I'm just in that form right now."

  Cami's face reddened again, but Elliot took another step forward and said, "No, that's good. Stop talking, Harold." Then he called, "Patches! I need some turnip juice." While he waited for her to come, he asked, "Are the twins home now?"

  "They got home about ten minutes ago," Cami said. "Wendy's feeding them some dinner. She offered me some too, but I'm not sure it was food."

  Whatever it was, as long as it could be eaten, it sounded good to Elliot. But he didn't have time to eat now.

  Patches poofed in with a large bottle of turnip juice in her hands. "Here it is. Are you thirsty?"

  "Not exactly." Elliot looked at Harold. "Now can you turn into a goat?"

  Harold winked at Cami. "Goats are one of my better animals. I know you'll be impressed."

  From the little that Elliot knew about girls, he guessed Cami wasn't likely to be impressed with Harold's changing into any farm animal. Except maybe a horse. He knew most girls liked horses.

  Harold let out a deep breath, and his body immediately curved so that he stood on four hooves rather than hands and feet. White hair spread all over his body, and his face molded into that of a goat's.

  "Ho-oww do you like me no-oww?" he asked Cami.

  "Eww," Cami said.

  Then he bleated to Elliot, "Wh-y do you ne-eed a goat?"

  Elliot took the bottle from Patches and held it out to Harold. "Spit in this," he said. He wasn't sure whether Minthred's sleep recipe would work, but it was worth a try.

  Harold the Goat gathered a big wad of spit in his mouth, then shot it into the bottle.

  "Disgusting!" Patches cried. "No Brownie will drink that now."

  "I don't want a Brownie to drink it," Elliot said, putting the lid on it again. "I have much bigger plans for this. There's just one more ingredient I need. Anyone know where I can get some earwax?"

  Everyone in the room stared at one another, but no one seemed to have any earwax available at that moment.

  "Can you get some here by magic?" Cami asked.

  "Magic can't just create something from nowhere," Patches explained. "It has to exist somewhere first."

  "We need to think of someone who would have a lot of earwax," Harold said, tapping his hoof on the floor.

  "The Trolls?" Elliot suggested. "I've seen their ears, and there's got to be pounds of it in their heads."

  "But Agatha told me they're all turned to stone," Patches said. "If we got any, it would be stone earwax."

  They all froze when a roar boomed from the woods behind Elliot's house, rattling the windows and even shaking a few books from Elliot's bookshelf.

  "What was that?" Cami whispered.

  "Kovol," Elliot breathed. Kovol was looking for him.

  "You've got to poof somewhere far away," Patches said. "Where Kovol won't think of looking for you."

  "I can't," Elliot said. "When he couldn't find me before, he went after Reed. I have to go back and face him now, or he'll look for my family. Harold, will you stay here as me to protect them, just in case?"

  "What if I mess up?" Harold asked.

  "You won't," Elliot said. "I know this time you won't."

  "What can I do?" Cami asked. "I promised you I'd help."

  "This is my fight," Elliot said. "Just get that paper-mache doll into the woods." He pointed to the jar of turnip juice and goat spit. "Keep track of this too. It's really important now."

  "It's also really gross now," Patches said. Then she added, "Be safe, Elliot."

  Before Kovol had finished his second roar, Elliot closed his eyes, pictured Kovol so clearly it made his knees turn to rubber, and then poofed himself there, ready for the final battle.

  Sometime last year Elliot had seen a cartoon about a kid who battled hundreds of alien invaders all by himself to save planet Earth. He had liked the movie, but that's all it was, just a story a bunch of writers had made up. Right before poofing back to the woods to face Kovol, Elliot tried to think of even one true story where a kid does battle with someone a lot stronger and wins.

  He didn't know any. Not even one.

  But he couldn't worry about that with Kovol. Besides, Elliot liked the idea of being the first kid ever to win against such odds. Of course, he wouldn't be able to tell everyone that he was the one who saved Earth. Maybe when he was a hundred years old and on his deathbed, he could gather his friends and family around him and say, "Did I ever tell you about the time I saved the world?" Yeah, that'd be cool. He was going to put that on his calendar for eighty-nine years from now. If he was still alive eighty-nine minutes from now, of course.

  Elliot's plan had been to poof in quietly and make the first attack on Kovol. And it would have been a fine plan, except he maybe did too good a job in picturing Kovol and poofed in right on top of the evil Demon's head. Since Kovol was bald, Elliot slipped off his head and would have fallen all the way to the grou
nd if he had not grabbed on to each of Kovol's long, twisted horns.

  Kovol yelled and swung his head, trying to get Elliot off. Elliot would have been very happy to get off, but he couldn't let go with Kovol swinging him so hard. His body was flung around wildly in the air. Kovol got angrier and angrier, twisting his head as far to the right as he could. Elliot's body flew all the way around Kovol's head, and he accidentally kicked Kovol in the nose.

  Kovol fell back in pain, and this time Elliot let go of the horns and scrambled free as fast as he could.

  "So that's how you want things to be," Kovol muttered.

  No. Actually, the way Elliot wanted things was for Kovol to never have woken up in the first place. Or if he did wake up, he'd have wanted Kovol not to have made such a big deal about Elliot's taking his last hair. Maybe Elliot could have politely apologized for taking the hair, and then Kovol would've said, "That's okay," and they could've played a game of Limburger soccer instead of all this.

  However, none of that was going to happen.

  Kovol charged for Elliot, with his bruised nose snorting and his claws out. Elliot whispered to his magic, "Block him," fully expecting a shield to come up between them. But instead, a pile of toy building blocks fell from nowhere above them, landing on Kovol like a perfectly square hailstorm. Kovol looked up to see what was happening, and the corner of a block landed straight in his eye.

  "Ow, my eye!" Kovol yelped. "Why would you do that?"

  Stubbornly, Elliot folded his arms. The blocks had been an accident, but this was supposed to be an ultimate battle to save the world, so he wouldn't apologize.

  "That's right." Elliot tried sounding as tough as he could. "And there's more where that came from!"

  Maybe that was true, maybe not. He wasn't really clear on where any of this was coming from.

  Kovol huffed and ran toward Elliot again. But Elliot was getting the feel of Pixie magic now. It wasn't great magic for strength or power, but it was excellent if you were trying to trick someone.

  So when Kovol started running, Elliot pictured old-fashioned roller skates on the bottom of the Demon's feet. To make it funnier, he pictured girly ones. Even pinker than a Pixie dress and with glittery hearts covering every inch of them.

  The skates appeared, and with his arms flailing around, Kovol rolled right past Elliot and crashed into the trunk of a wide oak tree. Even though he knew he shouldn't, Elliot laughed. Besides, why not? Kovol's anger couldn't get any worse. He hoped.

  If Kovol had been a Troll or even a Goblin, Elliot probably could have continued with magical jokes for the rest of the day. But Kovol couldn't be tricked for long. And he definitely didn't think the roller skates were nearly as funny as Elliot did. Once he kicked them off his feet, he turned and hurled back a ball of energy so fast that it threw Elliot into the air. Elliot landed with a hard thump on the ground.

  Now it was Kovol's turn to laugh. Only, unlike Elliot's happy laugh over a funny joke, his was dark and mean and made Elliot think maybe he didn't want to get back up again.

  Still seated, Elliot tried throwing an energy ball of his own at Kovol, but it came out more like a gentle puff of air. Kovol swatted it out of the way like he would a bothersome fly.

  "Pixie magic," Elliot whispered. It wasn't about strength. It was about trickery. He had the idea to make it rain actual cats and dogs, but Kovol struck at him first, creating a sinkhole exactly where Elliot was sitting. With nothing but air suddenly beneath him, Elliot fell. He tumbled head over heels into a hole that looked bottomless. Finally he found the magic to grab on to a dangling tree root, and then he began the long climb back to the surface. Kovol stood at the top of the sinkhole with his smelly armpits raised again. He was gathering more lightning between his clawlike hands.

  "Oh, no you don't!" Elliot closed his eyes to picture the edge of the sinkhole becoming a sheet of thick ice. Kovol slipped on the ice that magically formed and landed on his large Demon backside, then slid over the edge and right past Elliot into the sinkhole.

  "Gotcha!" Elliot called. Then he poofed back to the surface and brushed his hands together. Carefully he peered over the edge, curious about how far into the hole Kovol had fallen.

  But Kovol wasn't down there. Which means he had--

  "No, I've got you!" From behind, Kovol grabbed Elliot around the waist and lifted him into the air.

  Elliot put his hands over Kovol's and tried to pry himself free, but Kovol was a lot stronger than Elliot, even with the Pixie magic.

  "I'll take your magic before eating you," Kovol said. "You'll taste better that way."

  "I'll taste terrible!" Elliot said. "I haven't had a bath for three days!" He couldn't let Kovol take his magic. For that matter, he really didn't want to be eaten either.

  Elliot squirmed, but it was useless. He tried to pull together enough magic to get away from Kovol, but he was being squished too tightly for the magic to work properly. Elliot felt a little frustrated by that. If he had invented magic, he would have made it so you could use it even when you were squished. Or maybe especially when you were squished.

  Kovol pulled him back over solid ground. Elliot knew for a fact that it was solid, because Kovol dropped him on it. He tried rolling away so that he could gather some magic to defend himself, but Kovol immediately put a foot on Elliot's chest. That made it hard to do magic, which was a problem. It was even harder to breathe, which was a much bigger problem.

  Standing over him now, Kovol started moving his arms, almost as if he were pulling an invisible rope out of Elliot's body. Elliot felt the magic being dragged out of him, and he held on to it with all of his strength. But strength was not one of the gifts of Pixie magic, so all Elliot had was his own determination not to let Kovol take this magic. It would only make Kovol more powerful, and it would leave Elliot completely defenseless.

  Elliot swatted at the Demon's foot with his hands, but it didn't do any good and only tired him out faster. He closed his eyes, searching for enough magic left inside him to fight back. Anything. But as hard as he searched, he found nothing at all. If he couldn't figure out something soon, the last Underworld war would be over in the next few minutes.

  Just when Elliot thought he could hold on no longer, he heard a voice somewhere in the woods behind him. "Let go of our brother!"

  "No!" Elliot cried in the loudest voice he had (which at that point was little more than a whisper). That was either Kyle or Cole, one of his younger twin brothers.

  A fat stream of water shot through the air, hitting Kovol squarely in the back. It knocked him off balance, and Elliot rolled out from under his foot.

  Elliot sat up on his elbows. Kyle and Cole were nearby with a kinked hose they had somehow dragged all this way into the woods. Behind them were Wendy, Reed, Cami, and, for some reason, Tubs.

  "What are you doing here?" Elliot asked

  "I told them about you," Cami said. "I told them everything. Maybe you can't tell your secrets, but I can."

  Elliot scrambled to his feet and ran over to them.

  "King, huh?" Reed said, his mouth in a half smile. "How funny is that?"

  "This isn't a joke," Elliot said. "You have to run away from here."

  "And miss all this fun?" one of the twins said. They released another spurt of water at Kovol, knocking him back down.

  "We came to help you fight," Wendy said. "When Mom and Dad are at work, they tell us to take care of each other. Well, that's what we're doing."

  "They meant to be sure we all eat dinner and get our homework done," Elliot said. "Not help fight Underworld wars!"

  "Yeah, yeah," Tubs said. "Duck."

  Elliot ducked down, and Tubs lobbed a rock at Kovol, clonking him on the forehead and knocking him down again.

  "Now's your chance," Cami said. "We got that ugly beast distracted. Now use some magic to finish him off."

  "I'm not sure I have any magic left," Elliot said. "If I do, it'll take a while to charge up again." He took a deep breath. "Besides, we'll just be fighti
ng him all day unless I can finish making that potion."

  "I brought it," Cami said, holding up the bottle of turnip juice.

  "Water!" the twins yelled and sprayed Kovol again, but this time he was ready. He used a shield to push the stream of water back onto Elliot's family. Kyle and Cole dropped the hose, and everyone scattered behind the nearest tree, bush, or rock where they could fit.

  Elliot had chosen a thick bush off to the right. From there he saw Wendy and Reed behind nearby oak trees, dripping wet. The twins had squeezed together behind a large rock. Cami was in another bush. And...where was Tubs?

  Elliot peeked out to where Tubs stood facing Kovol. In his hands was another rock.

  Kovol looked confused. "You're not running," he said.

  Tubs's eyes narrowed. "I know all about you, jerk. You're just another bully, a loser who tries to make himself feel better by hurting others. I know that, because I used to be a bully too."

  "Nobody insults Kovol," the Demon said.

  "I used to think nobody insulted me either," Tubs answered. "They do, but they say the insults behind your back. You should've heard what the kids used to say about me."

  Elliot was pretty sure a lot of kids still said those things about Tubs. But it was true--ever since Elliot had stood up to Tubs, he didn't bully people anymore.

  "I'm the most powerful creature in the world!" Kovol yelled.

  Tubs snorted. "If you were powerful, you wouldn't have to be mean. Elliot's the nicest kid I know, and he's more powerful than you'll ever be!"

  Kovol roared. Then Tubs threw the rock at him, which bounced off his chest like a rubber ball. Kovol widened his hands for some magic.

  "No!" Elliot leapt from his hiding place and dove for Tubs to knock him out of the way. However, just as before when they had played Capture the Flag, Tubs wasn't going anywhere. He was a lot thicker than Elliot, so Elliot only crashed into the side of Tubs's body and landed on the ground.

  Tubs grabbed Elliot's arm and yanked him to his feet, then said, "If I don't get to bully this dork, then nobody does!" Tubs's idea of friendship, Elliot figured.

  "Everyone start throwing things," Elliot yelled. "Whatever you can find!"

  From their hiding places, Elliot's family and Cami threw rocks, sticks, and whatever else they had. Wendy threw a tube of her favorite lipstick. Reed threw packages of pickle relish. Cami threw some coins from her pocket. At first Elliot wasn't sure what the twins were throwing, but then he recognized them as the burned chicken nuggets from Wendy's dinner last night. He didn't blame them. If his pants pockets weren't full of holes, he'd have hidden his dinner there too. He wondered whether Wendy would be happy or angry to learn that her dinner had just been turned into a weapon. Probably a little of both.