Bucky F*cking Dent

by David Duchovny

  When they had made the water crossing, and were back underneath bedrock, the Whitmania lifted, and Ted spoke up again. “How do you say ‘closure’ in Spanish?”

  Marty nodded at his son, glanced quickly at Mariana, and said somberly, “Pendejo.”

  Mariana smiled broadly, and Ted intoned, “This was truly a night for pendejo.”

  And as they rode on in silence, Ted repeated again with reverence, “Pendejo.” It was only years later that Ted learned that the true translation of pendejo was not actually “closure,” as Marty had so readily offered, no, not even close. A closer translation of pendejo, as the old fucker surely knew, would be “pubic hair.”

  54.

  Marty was both exhilarated and exhausted. Ted and Mariana managed to get his tie and jacket and shoes off before he collapsed onto his bed. Mariana gave him a kiss on the top of his head and left the room. When Ted stood to go, Marty grabbed his hand and asked with childlike innocence, “Was I such a bad man back then, Splinter?”

  “No,” Ted said as he leaned down and kissed his father on the forehead. “You weren’t such a bad man then. And you’re not such a bad man now.”

  Ted flicked off the light, left his father, and walked a little ways down the hall. He stopped and put his forehead against the wall and began sobbing. He had not cried like this since he was a child, deep uncontrollable spasms. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He hadn’t seen Mariana standing right there. She turned him to her for a hug. They hugged, and when Ted had stopped shaking, she pulled back. They began to kiss. A kiss that began as consolation and escalated quickly into a chaos of need.

  Mariana pushed Ted up against the wall and leaned into him. She grabbed his pants and started to pull them down. Ted stopped her. “My dad,” he said. He’d already heard his father have sex tonight and wasn’t sure if he wanted to return the favor. You know, maybe some other night, maybe just not tonight?

  She said, “Take me right here, now, before I think too much about what I’m doing.”

  “No, don’t do that. Don’t think, stop thinking.”

  He put his hands under her dress and held her ass. He could feel her wet already. He felt the room spin.

  “I’ve never done this,” he said.

  “You’re a virgin?”

  “No, I’ve never had sex in the house I grew up in, I mean, the house in which I grew up. In.”

  “You’re not turning me on.”

  She grabbed him and pulled her underwear aside. She lifted one leg and curled it around his waist, holding him. She swayed away against him till he was all the way inside her. Ted was holding her off the ground as she grinded against him. Ted felt weak in the knees. He spoke in her ear. “I’d have to be in better shape to hold this position longer … my quads. Can we go to the floor?”

  “You calling me fat?”

  “No, no, no … never. You’re fucking perfect.”

  And down they went, horizontal. Ted couldn’t believe this was happening, after he’d thought about it so much. He knew if he didn’t distract himself, it would be over in a matter of seconds. He was thankful it was easy to look around his childhood home and lose the desire to come. There was that old chair his mom used to sit in and knit. Mom knitting! Perfect. Throttling down. He could fuck forever. He knew that was there if he needed to stall the moment. Worked like a charm. Uh-oh. Maybe too well. He felt himself getting distracted and distant. No more Mom knitting. He took his eyes off the Mom chair. Mariana could feel him going away, in conversation with himself, and she took it a little personally. She looked at him that way.

  She spoke to him in Spanish now, “Venga muchacho tomame.” He didn’t know what she’d said, but he had an inkling, and the Spanish sounded good, too good.

  He said, “If you’re gonna talk Spanish, nothing good will happen, this is gonna be over in seconds.”

  She laughed. “No te olvides de la leche cuando vuelas el elefante.”

  “Stop!”

  She said, “I said, ‘Don’t forget the milk when you fly the elephant.’”

  “Doesn’t matter, it sounds too sexy in Spanish. Everything does.”

  “I speak French, too.”

  “Don’t you dare speak French. German, maybe. Chinese could be good, too.”

  She opened her mouth to speak. He didn’t know what language might come out; she seemed to have infinite capability in his eyes at that moment. She was worlds. The language didn’t matter. It was all deadly perfect. Even her breath unformed into words spoke volumes and gave him butterflies from his stomach on down.

  “Hoochie-coochie-coo…”

  “Is that Charo?”

  “Yes. Thought that might be a turnoff. Turns me off. Hoochie-coochie-coo…”

  “I need quiet, please.”

  “I didn’t say anything.”

  “You’re breathing.”

  “I have to breathe,” she said with a smile.

  It was like there’d been no foreplay so the foreplay was happening during the play. Time compressed itself. Past, present, future. Everything was happening at once.

  She looked in his eyes, saw how badly he wanted to do well, get a good grade, get to write the sequel. It was sweet. She stopped moving. She bit his ear softly and said, “Don’t worry, Ted, you feel so good. Just make love to me. That’s all. That’s all you have to do. For me, okay? Please?”

  Her words shored up Ted’s confidence. He would be strong for her. She sensed it, she felt it. He said, “Okay, but no more Spanish. Deal?”

  “Trato, Papi.”

  “Stop!”

  She laughed and arched her hips up toward him.

  “Dass it, baby. Should I call you ‘Lord’?”

  “Only if I deserve it.”

  “Dass it, Lord…”

  They were in sync now in mind and body. As they moved together, he rose up to look at her beauty beneath him. He gazed at her up and down. They were naked now. He tried to squint so he didn’t see his own fat, hairy belly, just her. It almost worked. He saw the Dead tattoo on her ankle, and the Christ one on the other, which he could now clearly see was not “Christ,” but rather “Christina,” as it snaked around the turn of her shin. She saw him looking at the ankle and twisted away slightly, almost as if she were covering up a scar; she whispered in his ear again, “Don’t stop, I’m gonna come.”

  He didn’t stop. He would never stop.

  55.

  It must be a month or two later judging by what he sees out his window. Some leaves are on the ground. The trees in Brooklyn, what’s left of them to struggle through asphalt—“a tree grows in Brooklyn,” that’s right, a tree, one tree grows in Brooklyn. The few trees that remain shine their colors of red and gold almost hyperbolically. With so few of them in the city, the trees overcompensate, display colors unnaturally bright, like an outgunned army, giving more than all in the face of an inevitable annihilation. A dream fall. What an ad man might make the fall look like to sell a dream in a thing. The Autumn of Eddie Bernays. Marty came from the window to the TV. Where the fuck is Ted? Typical, he can’t stand to see the Sox finally take it all. In a sweep no less. Four straight over the St. Louis Cardinals. The curse will finally be lifted tonight, the losers shall win, the last shall be first. It feels biblical tonight, feels like the fulfillment of a prophecy. Marty half expects to see frogs raining down from the sky and Yul Brynner somewhere. But he is a believer. He didn’t die. He stayed alive for the Sox and the Sox kept him alive. He turns the sound down on the TV. He just wants to watch and hear the voices in his head. These announcers are too much anyway. They try to make too much of baseball. Baseball and America. They, too, are selling a fake dream of fathers and sons, of cars, of democracy, meritocracy, and a past perfect. But they’re so ham-fisted and obvious. Not like we used to be, classy and slick. Who buys that shit? Marty wonders. The people, Marty knows, the Volk buy it. And who sells it? I do. Marty knows it. I do. But a man must eat. And he must provide for his family. There is no shame in bringing your talen
ts to market. Even if it means sexualizing asparagus and the sexy Soxology of Sox. Fuck you, Karl Marx. And besides, it’s true, baseball cures cancer. There it is. The final pitch. It’s over. The players storm the field and jump into one another’s arms like children. Well, that’s sincere, Marty thinks, that joy is real. He can’t believe Ted isn’t here, but then again, he can. The big events in life are not like plays, never staged quite perfectly, or rather, they are like Greek plays where all the great things, the sex and the violence, happen offstage. Why couldn’t I see all the great things? Why did I miss so much by looking the other way? Marty feels tears in his eyes. He feels like he won. Feels like he won at the game of life. That’s corny, he thinks, I can do better. But baseball is all about the corn. What’s wrong with a little corn? People love the corn. Wasn’t he supposed to die now? Didn’t seem likely, he felt better than ever tonight. He felt better than he had in years, like a young man. He feels so energized he has to go out in the night air. If he can’t gloat near Ted, he’ll find someone down at Benny’s kiosk to lord it over. As he walks to Benny’s, where the fuck is everybody? Yankee fans in hiding from him. They are already all in mourning. Pussies. Not enough that they win, but the Sox must lose. Unfair. Maladjusted. There’s nobody down at the kiosk. Even those gray panthers are ducking Marty. Why won’t anyone let me gloat, goddammit? Haven’t I earned the right? He leaves a quarter on the counter of the kiosk and grabs a New York Post. There on the front page, the front page! Apparently, this is the most important news in the world. In huge bold letters: “τό κατάραμα άνακυκλεύτε!” He doesn’t recognize these letters. Very odd. He flips to the back to read the box score and the commentary. He just watched the game, why does he want to read about it now? It’s a guy thing. He doesn’t know. It’s uncanny, though, and strange, because he doesn’t recognize any of the players’ names. Neither for the Sox nor the Cardinals. Is he having a stroke? He’s heard that this happens. You lose words, words reform themselves into unrecognizable things. It’s all Greek to him. Literally. He knows what Greek looks like though he doesn’t speak it, and this New York Post is written in Greek. He takes a deep breath. Who is Πεδροία? Who is Όρτιζ? Who is Δάμον? He rubs his eyes. He can’t make out any of these names. He turns the paper over again to the front page and looks at the date. It says October 28, 2004.

  Marty awoke suddenly from this strange dream. It was a convincing one, and he didn’t know where he was in the dark, or even what year it was. He was breathing heavily. His lungs hurt. He sat up in bed and tried to banish this vertigo. He stood up unsteadily. He was home. He was okay. The sky outside was a black blue. It was still dark, but Marty knew it was just moments away from dawn’s beginning, the dawn of dawn. Here comes another fucking day. He put on some clothes and headed down to the kitchen. He peered into Ted’s bedroom. What the fuck? Ted and a woman lay asleep almost on top of each other on Ted’s single bed. Way to go, Splinter. The woman had beautiful thick, wavy dark hair. Was it? He drifted gently around to where he could see who it was. It was! It was Mariana. Good for you, Teddy, he thought, and good for you, Mariana. Good. Just good. The infinite soul using the finite body to touch the infinite in the other. I and thou. That is the apex and the pain of life. The body is all of the soul that the senses can perceive. That’s what Blake said. Makes us all one. Things begin. Things end. Oh, well.

  He walked without a cane down to Benny’s kiosk, as he had in his dream. He was too early. None of the men were there. It was no longer night, but you couldn’t really call it day. Today’s newspapers had already been dumped by the kiosk, bound like hostages who would be made to talk. Marty was able to loosen a New York Post, his favorite sports section. September 10, 1978. Jesus, the summer went fast. Life goes so fast. The season must be nearly over. I haven’t been paying enough attention, he thought. What with Ted and Mariana. And Maria. Did that really happen? That happened. It had been a night for pendejo. He laughed. Ted was a fucking funny kid. A good kid. Always had been.

  He thanked God for giving him a cock that still worked. He smiled. He still loved Maria after all this time, and hoped he would see her again. And again. Whatever time I have left. He flipped to the back of the Post, and riffled the pages till he found the American League standings. What? He flipped back to check the date again. No, it was September 10, 1978. The Yankees and the Sox were tied? Tied? The Sox had choked away that huge lead? What about the winning streak they’ve been on? Ted had assured him it was in the bag. He showed him the papers. He watched on TV. Was this a joke paper? Were all those other papers the jokes?

  He tried to breathe, but he couldn’t. He had lost hold of reality, of truth. He did not know what was real and what was bullshit. Was Ted a malicious prick of a vengeful son? A Goneril? A Regan? Had Marty been with Maria last night? Please, God, don’t take that away from me. Was he alive? He fell to the cement. Was this it? Was he alive and dying or was he dead already? His heart felt full to bursting, but with love or death? He couldn’t tell. He couldn’t figure anything out; he was just a man, and suddenly, he was so tired, so so tired. He would sleep. Sleep here on the sidewalk? Like a bum? That’s okay. That’s okay. People will understand. I needed to rest. He needed to rest, they’ll say. I’ll figure it all out when I wake up.

  About twenty minutes later, Benny arrived at his kiosk to find Marty on the ground, unconscious and unresponsive.

  56.

  A banging on the front door woke Ted up. He looked to the side and saw Mariana. Mariana Blades. Motherfucker, that happened. Who the hell is making that racket? And now the phone is ringing, too? Armageddon. Like to wake the dead. They’re gonna wake Dad up. Ted got up gingerly, threw on a robe, and went to the door. It was the gray panthers. They told him that Marty had been found at the kiosk. Benny found him collapsed there when he got to work, and they had called 911, and the ambulance took him back to Beth Israel in Manhattan.

  57.

  By the time Ted made it to the hospital, Marty was tucked into a bed in critical. He wasn’t dead, but he was damn close. The doctors said he was in a coma and might not come out of it, and that Ted should begin to take care of “end matters.” End matters? Thanks, doc, you really should’ve been a poet. Mariana showed up a bit later. She’d had to go back home for her work clothes. She was on today. She checked with the doctors. Ted was glad they gave her more than they would give him. She came back from the consultation. They headed down to the cafeteria to talk.

  They got coffee and Jell-O, but they didn’t touch either. “It’s my fault, I think,” Ted said.

  “How do you figure that?”

  “Benny found him lying on the ground with a newspaper in his hand.”

  “Yes?”

  “Well, you know what I’ve been doing. I’ve been covering up the fact that the Sox have been losing. You know. Maybe the shock of seeing it all at once was too much. You know, maybe if I’d just let him, I don’t know, acclimate to the situation, naturally and slowly, it wouldn’t have hit him so hard.”

  “That’s impossible to know, Ted.”

  “I killed him.”

  “This isn’t about you, Ted.”

  “What?”

  “This isn’t about you. It’s about your father.”

  “I know that. Fuck, Mariana, I know that.”

  “Okay.”

  They sat like that for a few minutes. Mariana stood up. “I gotta go,” she said.

  “You gotta work? Now?”

  “Yeah, I have other patients.”

  “You seem to have no patience with me. What’s wrong?”

  Mariana took a deep breath and sighed. Ted was confused at the changing of her mood, a bank of dark clouds rolling in from nowhere.

  “Goodbye, Ted.”

  “What do you mean ‘goodbye’?”

  “Don’t raise your voice. Don’t make a scene here. I work here.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Your dad is nearly beyond us now, he’s beyond me
now. I can’t do anything for him. I have to move on to where I’m needed.”

  “You’re leaving?”

  “It’s not personal.”

  “Are you kidding me? Last night felt somewhat personal to me.”

  “It was. And it was nice. It was beautiful. But it was a mistake.”

  “Why?”

  “It was unprofessional.”

  “Who cares?”

  “I do.”

  “I don’t.”

  Mariana became aware that some people were beginning to stare. She moved out into the hallway. Ted followed.

  “Why are you running away from me?”

  “I’m not running away from you.”

  “Talk to me.”

  “Ted, there’s nothing to say. This happens. Now, I go. You can report me if you like.”

  “I’m not going to report you.”

  “Thank you.”

  Mariana turned to leave. After a few steps, Ted stopped her.

  “Wait. Mariana. This is what you do?”

  Mariana just stared at him.

  “You help people die and, oh yeah, sometimes you fuck their relatives?”

  Mariana said nothing.

  “That time when I saw you in the cafeteria with that young, handsome guy, when I bought you Jell-O. I got a feeling—you were fucking him, too?”

  “Does it matter, Ted?”

  “Yeah, it fucking matters.”

  “Would that make it easier for you to move on?”

  “Fuck if I know. I just got here, I’m not trying to move on.”

  “Yes.”

  “Yes? Yes, you fucked him? You fuck all of them?”

  Mariana did not say yes and she did not say no.

  “You fuck all of them? Jesus, what is wrong with you?”

  “What is ‘wrong’ with me? What’s wrong with you? There’s nothing wrong with me.”

  “Really?”

  “Okay, there’s everything wrong with me. Can we be done?”