Chasing Logan

by Tracy Lorraine

  “Instead of sitting on that bench I hid in the shadows while Bella was in her dance class. I didn’t want to be seen but I was desperate to see her, have my little piece of normality. I’ll never forget the look on her face when I called out to her when she came out of the community centre. I knew I looked a mess but I didn’t appreciate quiet how shocking it was to others.

  “It was that day that I discovered Bella’s strength. She might look like a sweet and innocent woman but the outside world has no idea about what she’s been through. She took my hand and dragged me back into the shadows.” I pause remembering what she showed me and how it broke my heart.

  Logan can obviously tell that explaining this to him is big deal because he scoots closer to me and wraps his arm around me. “You can stop if you want,” he says holding me tightly.

  I shake my head at him because I’ve got this far I might as well continue. Although I have no intention of telling him Bella’s story. She keeps that locked up tight and I won’t break her trust in me. Once we were out of sight she told me that she knew how it felt and pulled her t-shirt up to show me her green and purple ribs. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry as I was in that moment. Bella was the sweetest person I’d ever met, let alone my only friend. The only person who accepted me for who I was and she was being treated as badly as I was. I felt so powerless, so useless. All I wanted to do was help but there was nothing I could do. I wrapped my arms around her in comfort, trying to give her what I could.

  I let out a little laugh as I think back to what happened next. “I tried to kiss her,” I say with another laugh. “I thought I was the right thing to do. I knew I was gay, I had done for a while but hadn’t told anyone. Not until that day anyway. She pulled back after a few seconds, she could tell there was something wrong and called me out on it. It was the first time we talked properly and when she asked for my name I told her it was Cole. I couldn’t bear to use the name my mum and dad called me. I wasn’t that person, the one they tried to make me.

  “Not long after I managed to get myself an after school job in the local corner shop, I was too young really but the owner didn’t mind paying me cash in hand for stacking shelves, cleaning and generally any job he couldn’t be arsed to do himself. I’m sure most kids in my position would have spent that money on food but the second that money was in my hand I signed up to join Bella’s dance class. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by that I have regretted that decision.

  “The only time I questioned my decision for a second was the day I came home from school to find my dad off his face drunk waiting for me. I didn’t even get a chance to drop my bag before he started laying into me, telling me how he wasn’t going to have a son that went to dance classes. Fuck knows how he found out, I’d told him I was going to martial arts lessons, not that he cared. I was older and bigger than the last time he really went at me so I tried to fight back but he over powered me. He accused me of being gay, because obviously only gay men could possibly want to dance. I wasn’t going to lie to him, I wanted to be proud of who I was. I’d hidden who I was for long enough so when he repeated the question I stood there and proudly said yes, I was gay.

  “It’s safe to say that by the time I got to Bella’s later that day I was in a bit of a state. She took me in and cleaned me up. I haven’t looked back since. I stayed with her and helped look after her little sister because her mum was as a waste of space like my parents.”

  “Shit, Cole. I had no idea,” Logan says looking horrified. I’m not surprised by his shock, he’s grown up with a normal loving family. He must have thought stuff like I just explained only happened on TV. “Thank you for telling me, for trusting me.”

  He leans over and kisses me. His hand runs down my back and grips on to my arse pulling me closer to him. I feel his cock getting harder against mine the longer he kisses me.

  “I’d better stop calling you that name then. It’s a shame because I thought it was sexy,” he explains as he kisses down my neck and across my collarbones.

  “You can. I liked it when you said it. It wasn’t anything like I remember.”

  “Ummm,” he groans as he continues kissing me. “What do you need?” he asks as if he can tell I need something to take my mind off everything I just told him.

  “You. Always you,” I say as I roll him on to his back and settling myself between his thighs.

  “I think I can cope with that,” he comments as I lean over and grab a condom and some lube from his suitcase.

  Once I’m seated deep inside him I fold myself over his chest so I can kiss him. I take it slow, enjoying every second of what he’s giving me and letting the feelings my past stirred up float away as if they were never there.

  Seventeen

  “What happened to the chick you was banging last night then, Chase?” CJ asks the next morning from his seat on the sofa. The exact seat on the sofa that I cum over last night. I can’t help the smug smile that tries to creep on to my face at the thought.

  Logan just looks at him and shakes his head. I know he wants to take this slow and I totally understand that. I can’t help being a little disappointed that he doesn’t just come out and say it was me though.

  “We wondered why you didn’t appear at the party but the bed rattling we could hear when we got in gave us a good clue. We thought for a while you were giving yourself a good seeing to because we didn’t hear a peep out of her but there is no way your bed would have been banging like that if you were alone,” CJ continues with a laugh.

  “I was celebrating my win,” Logan mutters as he shrugs at CJ and leaves the room for more coffee.

  Once he’s disappeared I run my eyes over the rest of the room. When I get to where Bella is sat on Pip’s lap on the chair opposite me I see a very knowing look on her face. I raise my eyebrows at her as I look between her and Pip. I really want to know what is going on there, plus I need to warn her about the social media backlash after her very public kiss with Pip last night. But my first priority are those bloody texts that Logan’s been getting.

  I get up muttering that I need a refill and follow Logan to the kitchen. The house belongs to the record label Logan is signed to. It’s fucking huge and must have cost a small fortune with its prime location in the city.

  I hand Logan my mug before jumping up on to the work surface on the huge island in the middle of the kitchen. I watch him as he kicks the coffee machine into action while thoughts about what all those messages from Aiden could be about roll around my head.

  “Here,” Logan says handing me my now full mug back.

  “Thanks, we need to talk,” I say jumping down and heading to the adjoining conservatory that looks out over the courtyard garden.

  “That sounds ominous,” he mutters as he follows me.

  I sit on one end of the sofa then turn so I can face Logan once he has joined me.

  “Tell me about Aiden.”

  “Uh…what do you want to know? Wait, have you been looking at my phone?”

  “I haven’t been snooping if that’s what you mean. But I have seen that you’ve had an excessive amount of messages from him, and every time I’ve asked who’s been messaging you’ve changed the subject, fast.”

  “He’s just an old friend,” Logan says before taking a sip of coffee and looking off into the distance.

  “You mean old boyfriend, right?” I feel my blood start to boil when he panics and looks around to see if anyone else heard me say the word boyfriend out loud. “It’s okay, no ones around to hear your secret,” I seethe. We really need to talk about what Logan meant when he said take it slow because I’m concerned that his version of slow is a lot slower than mine.

  “Yes,” he whispers.

  “And he wants you back, right?” I ask presuming what it is that Aiden could want.

  Logan looks down into his mug of coffee before answering quietly. “Yes.”

  “And...?”

  “And what?” he asks, now looking up at me.

  “
And do you want the same, do you still have feelings for him?”

  “No, of course not. Don’t worry you haven’t got any competition,” he says quietly with a smirk on his face. “Jealous much?”

  “I’m sorry.” I hate that I am jealous. I’m not sure I like the fact that I’m already in so deep with Logan that I’m jealous. I’m still not convinced this is going to end up going where I want it to but here I am sat with him in our little secret bubble again.

  “Don’t. I like that you’re jealous. It means you like me!”

  “Oh, I like you alright,” I say while running my hand through the back of his hair at the nap of his neck.

  “Oh my God, Cole, have you seen this?” Bella screams as she comes rushing into the kitchen with her phone out in front of her so I can see the screen.

  “Yes,” I admit.

  “Then why the hell haven’t you told me?”

  “You were distracted and enjoying yourself, I didn’t want to ruin it.”

  “Yeah but you didn’t think this was important. Have you seen the names their calling me?”

  “Yes,” I admit again. “What did you expect though, B? A few nights ago you were grinding up the dance floor with him,” I say nodding my head in Logan’s direction. “Then last night you kiss Pip in the middle of the award ceremony with camera’s everywhere. Did you really think the media wouldn’t pick up on that?”

  “I didn’t really think about it. Logan, I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I don’t read or believe any of that shit.”

  “But the things they’re saying about you and-”

  “Seriously, don’t worry. It’s not going to hurt my ego that some pap has written that I was such a bad lay you moved on to my drummer. The one person that needs to know how good I am at that stuff knows, well I hope!”

  “Might need some more evidence before giving my final verdict on that,” I comment causing Bella to make a puking noise.

  “What about what they’re saying about you not going to the after party but being seen leaving with Cole? They haven’t said anything obvious but they’re starting to question.”

  “Fuck.”

  “What’s wrong,” Pip asks when he comes to join us.

  “I’m just showing them what’s online.”

  “It’ll be fine,” Logan says, “it’ll all blow over,” but he sounds anything but convinced about that. I can see by the widening of his eyes that he is seriously panicking.

  After a very rash and what sounded like a one sided conversation with Victoria, Logan organises for Pip and the guys to head to our hotel in one car while the other one takes us via our house to get our stuff. I’m starting to think that Logan has worked his magic on Victoria and softened her a bit. I’m sure at the beginning of this tour she never would have agreed to extra tickets last night or an extra car now but she seemed to cave pretty easily.

  The three of us get settled into the back of the Ranger Rover. Once we’re comfortable I reach over and put my hand on Logan’s thigh. Immediately I feel his muscles lock up tight before he pushes my hand away.

  “What are you doing?” I ask.

  “I was going to ask you the same thing.”

  “What? Bella is well aware of what is going on and he,” I say nodding in the direction of the driver, “can’t see anything.”

  “But still.”

  “I thought you agreed that we’d give this a go?” I say reminding him of what he said last night. I don’t really consider a hand on his thigh that only one person, who knows everything already, can see as moving fast.

  “I did.”

  “So what’s the issue?”

  “Just…don’t.”

  That was the last thing that Logan said for the entire journey. He sulked the rest of the way. I don’t know whether it was the guys asking about who he was with last night, the stuff that Bella said was in the media about him and me or my hand placement that’s sent him into this mood, it could be a little of everything I guess. Alternately it could be his continually buzzing phone that’s getting to him but I try not to think about that or who is on the other end of it.

  “Well that was tense,” Bella says once we are safely inside our latest hotel room.

  I ignore her in favour of having a shower and drowning it all out.

  “Cole?” she says just before I shut the door.

  “What?” I snap.

  “Can we talk?”

  “Later.”

  I feel awful for snapping at her, none of this is her fault. Well maybe the part where every paparazzi that was at the awards last night is calling her a slut and a bed hopper is her fault.

  I manage to avoid nearly all of Bella’s probing questions about what happened between Logan and me yesterday. I do admit to the mess CJ was sat on this morning though which freaked her out and made her laugh in equal measures.

  The excessive amount of partying Bella did last night, along with God knows what else with Pip, obviously took it out of her because she spent what little free time we did have before tonight’s show asleep when she wasn’t going on at me about what happened with Logan.

  “What the hell have you two got that we haven’t?” Chantelle shouts over to us the second we step foot into the minibus. I look at her completely confused as to what she’s rambling on about now. “First you get taken to open a fucking club opening and then I see you at a fucking award show on TV last night with Chase and the guys. What the fuck?” she asks clearly pissed off.

  “Uh…we didn’t immediately try to bed any of them, we made friends with them like normal people,” I bite back. Although when I see the side glance that Bella gives me it reminds me that there could be a small lie in my statement. It seems like forever ago now but I’m sure my main priority wasn’t just to bed Logan, I was quite happy to be his friend. Any extra curricular activities would have just been an awesome addition.

  “His loss anyway,” Chantelle snaps before sticking her fat filler filled lip out in a pout and turning away from us.

  Bella still has a smirk on her face when she sits down next to me.

  “Oh stop looking so smug, you slut,” I say referring to the headlines we’ve been reading all morning. I get a slap to the shoulder for it but she soon rests her head on my shoulder and tries to get some more sleep. I know she’s trying to play it off as nothing but I can see in her eyes that the gossip is affecting her.

  We don’t see Logan before the show starts. He has an interview while we’re getting ready then he rushes to his dressing room to get ready the second it’s finished. He does lock his gaze on to mine as he dashes past but I have no idea what he was trying to tell me.

  Everyone is full of energy after our few days break from performing but that also means that we’re all exhausted afterwards. After my almost sleepless night last night I’m ready to head to bed the second we get back to the hotel. The lift opens on our floor and Bella starts to walk out.

  “I’ll be back in a few,” I say hitting the button for the top floor. It’s a snap decision and one I may live to regret but I can’t go to sleep knowing there’s something wrong with him.

  As the doors start to close I hear Bella say, “you need to stop chasing him.”

  I wish I could.

  I’m just about to knock on his door when I hear an almighty roar follow by a huge crash. “What the fuck?” I mutter to myself.

  When Logan pulls the door open his face is red in anger and his chest is heaving with his laboured breathing.

  “Wh…what’s wrong?” I ask although I’m not sure I want to know.

  “Fucking Aiden,” he shouts back to me as he marches into the room. “He’s fucking blackmailing me.”

  “I thought you were friends?”

  “We were before I chose music over him.”

  “Oh.”

  “This isn’t him though. He’s not the type of person to do this, well I didn’t think so anyway.”

  Logan walks over to the sofa
and sits down before putting his head in his hands.

  “What does he want?”

  “Twenty grand or he’s going to tell the media about our relationship, photographs, videos, the lot.”

  I’m speechless. I want to say it’s because I’m mortified for Logan that someone he once cared about would do that to him but also because I’m worried about what those videos he just mentioned might be of. I’m not sure I could cope seeing him with someone else. I hate myself for being so selfish when he’s going through this.

  “Okay, so…uh…what are you going to do?” I ask tentatively.

  “Well he can fuck right off if he thinks I’m giving him money. ARGH,” he shouts into his hands before he gets up and starts pacing. “I just didn’t think he had this kind of thing in him. We’ve been friends since we were kids, this is crazy.”

  “People do crazy things for money,” I say but from the look I receive it’s clearly not what he wants to hear.

  “This is fucking ridiculous. I can’t believe he’s doing this to me.”

  I continue to watch as Logan paces up and down muttering to himself.

  “Maybe you should get some advice. Victoria might know what to do.”

  “WHAT?” he shouts. “Well I might as well just tell everyone that I’m gay now then,” he says waving his arms around.

  All my fears come rushing back that he’s never going to come out and admit to the world that he’s gay. I might as well just give up chasing him, believing he might just be brave enough. I’m only lying to myself. The tour is over soon, maybe I should prepare myself for walking away from Logan and moving on with my life.