The Billion Dollar Wedding: The Honeymoon Collection

by Cynthia Dane

  “Five more minutes,” Jasmine mumbled, when he snuggled up next to her.

  “It’s lunchtime.”

  “I can eat it in five minutes.”

  Jasmine stayed true to her word and headed downstairs. She replaced her sleep shorts with jeans, but she still wore a baggy, faded T-shirt. Her hair was unkempt. She probably smelled. If Ethan noticed and cared, he didn’t let it show as they sat down to salads and sandwiches.

  This was the perfect opportunity to start talking about the wedding, so Jasmine pulled out her own binder and started going over details that Ethan seemed more than reluctant to acknowledge. He’s contributed his thoughts on the color, so that’s enough for him. Not that he would complain. Ethan, for all his obvious disinterest, wasn’t going to tell his fiancée that he wouldn’t plan a wedding with her.

  Something sounded in the distance.

  “What was that?” Ethan asked. When it didn’t happen again, he went back to looking at their list of available venues for the wedding. “Never mind. Must be construction out on the road. They’ve been trimming trees.”

  Jasmine shrugged. “I already knocked the country club off the list, even though Jenny swears she could easily get everything arranged there. I mean, you don’t care for the place, and we had our engagement party there…”

  It happened again. This time, louder, echoing outside as if the surrounding trees were running away from what was coming. Ethan turned in his seat, not that he could see anything through the wall. Jasmine stood up. Deep in the back corners of her mind, she thought of something. Something dire. Something terrifying.

  I know that sound.

  A horn. Beeping in a rhythmic pattern that imitated a classic song.

  “Is that…” Ethan joined her in standing up. Belinda scuttled past the dining room door with Harold right behind her. “John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’?”

  “No….” Jasmine shot out of the room, disbelief clouding her as she shoved past the live-in help. “No fucking way!”

  “Jasmine?”

  “Miss?”

  She reached the front doors and threw one open, stepping out into the sunlight without regard for the oncoming steps. She somehow managed to not plummet down the stairs leading to the beige brick walkway. She somehow managed to not scream when she saw what came down the long driveway carved through trees.

  “I haven’t seen one of those in twenty years.”

  “I thought they all died out?”

  “We are clearly losing our minds.”

  Jasmine knew there were people still standing behind her, but all she could concentrate on was the Volkswagen van careening down the driveway. The closer it got, the more she could make out flower motifs, peace signs, and a swinging Buddha hanging from the front mirror.

  And two very middle-aged hippies waving at her through the window.

  “Uh…” Ethan leaped back up the stairs when the van swung around the front fountain, kicking up dust and sending it over a line of neatly trimmed hedges. “Dare I ask?”

  “Ask what?” Jasmine could barely breathe.

  “Ask if you know who this is?”

  The engine shut off. Through a cloud of dust two doors opened, and soon enough people barreled through the cloud and tackled Jasmine right off her feet and into another man’s arms.

  Arms she hadn’t felt wrapped this tightly around her since she was a little girl.

  “Jasmine!” they both cried, one pulling on her hair and the other patting her shoulder. “It’s so good to see you! How are you, honey?”

  She nearly suffocated on their body odor and perfume trying to clothe it. “I’m… fine… what are you doing here?”

  They released her, but not before the man descended upon Ethan and clapped him on the shoulder. Ethan was not a man who showed fear in front of others, but he was visibly shaken, and Harold had pulled out his cell phone as if about to call the police.

  “You must be Ethan!” the man wearing corduroy pants and a peasant top exclaimed. “Let me get a look at the man my little Jazzy thinks she’s marrying!” He frowned. “Unless that’s Ethan back there.” He pointed to Harold. “Not bad, not bad…”

  “Someone want to tell me what’s going on?” Ethan said.

  Jasmine buried her face in her hands. “These are my parents.” She tried to remain calm. Really, really tried. “Trust me, they didn’t tell me they were coming.”

  “We wanted to surprise you, honey!” Luna flung her long, greying braids over her shoulder and brought Jasmine in for another hug. “I told you we were granted leave from the farm! Well, we’re here until the wedding!”

  Until the wedding…

  Which was over two months away…

  “I…”

  “Is this the gorgeous young man?” Beaming like the sun shining overhead, Luna went to Ethan and put her hands on his arms. “Ethan, right? My daughter has exceptional tastes.”

  “Mom.” Jasmine spun around, ignoring her father as he scooped her up into another hug. “You’ve been here five minutes. How about you not hit on my fiancé?”

  “Fiancé! Such a fancy title for a fancy man!”

  “Well… we have guests…” Belinda pushed her way back into the house, probably en route to the nearest guest room to prepare it for the Blisses. “Where did I put the vacuum…”

  Harold was left to organize this sudden intrusion. Ethan tried to escape back into the house more than once, but between Luna and Saul, Jasmine’s father, there was absolutely no getting away from his future in-laws. Jasmine felt like she was watching lions descend upon a kill. Luna put her hands all over Ethan’s torso while Saul insisted on feeling the poor man’s biceps, to make sure he was “strong enough” to take care of his little girl. “The man is stronger than he looks!” Saul cried to his wife. “Can’t believe it! Not bad for a suit.”

  Oh. A suit.

  That’s right.

  Jasmine never really told her parents who Ethan was. How much money he had. What he did for a living. In part because it wasn’t really their business until now… and because they were anti-capitalist protestors who once chained themselves to a post on Wall Street with the rest of their commune friends.

  This was going to be a nightmare. Assuming Jasmine lived to wake up from it.

  Chapter 7

  Nobody had anticipated the arrival of Luna and Saul Bliss. Not the staff, not Ethan, and certainly not Jasmine, who had no warning that this storm was coming.

  “Your parents… seem nice.” Ethan only got two seconds alone with Jasmine when he broke away long enough to hide in his office. Jasmine was right behind him, gone when her father was distracted with their guest room and Luna went screaming into the back yard too, her yelps of joy over Ethan’s flower garden sounding like shrieking cats. Speaking of… All but one cat had made itself scarce. Belinda’s favorite swished its tail outside the guest room. As for Blackbeard? He was probably yowling beneath the master bed, as he usually did when something even slightly disruptive happened in that part of the house.

  “My parents are nuts.” Jasmine stayed a respectful distance away from him, afraid that touching her fiancé might make her collapse in exhaustion. “I promise I had no idea that they were coming.”

  “You apparently haven’t told them much about me. Your father was shocked that I didn’t have a beard, and your mother won’t stop touching me.”

  “Wait until they realize that you own this house and that you’re one of the richest men they’ve ever met.”

  Ethan’s mouth twitched. “Rich because I have you.”

  “Don’t even start, please.”

  Sighing, Ethan poured himself a drink at the wet bar and tossed it back in one gulp. “I wouldn’t truly dream of it. I’m already tired seeing them for half an hour.”

  “You sure that’s not olfactory fatigue? It’s okay to say it. They smell a little. They don’t wear deodorant and haven’t showered more than twice a week since we lived in our house.”

  “Think it might
be about time to really tell me about your parents?”

  Jasmine rubbed her face with her fingers, as if that would save her sanity. “What is there to tell you? They’re a couple of crazy hippies. They live on some farming commune out in the middle of nowhere. I’ve often worried that they were in a cult, but I suppose not, if they’re allowed to leave. Besides…” she rolled her eyes, “they are very nonreligious. I don’t think an actual cult could convince them to join, even if it tried.”

  “Good to know.” Ethan poured another drink, this time handing it to Jasmine. “Now, tell me how much they hate big business and why I should really be wary.”

  Jasmine had no idea where to begin.

  “I don’t think they will be rude to you,” Jasmine said in the end, “but don’t be surprised if my father especially says derogatory things about your career off the cuff. He would definitely have me marry another hippie, or, barring that, at least a working class guy… who never has the chance of rising up in the world. My parents are the exact opposite of the kind you’re used to seeing around the office.”

  “That’s both good and terrible.”

  After finishing her drink, Jasmine handed him her glass. “My mother adores you already, though. I can tell. She only looks at men like that if she thinks they’re ‘deplorably handsome.’”

  “Deplorable, huh?”

  “She thinks that makes her sound fancy. My parents… can be hypocrites.”

  “Aren’t most of us?”

  “They’re… yeah. I told you that they’re the reason I have my dumb name, right?”

  Ethan took her glass and downed the remaining few sips. “I like your name. Miss Bliss.”

  She narrowed her eyes at him. “They picked the name Bliss on their honeymoon when they were high as fucking kites.”

  “Yeah, you told me.”

  “My mother changed her name. Used to be Sandra. Saul and Sandra Warren would’ve been their names by traditional conventions.” Jasmine didn’t wait for a reply. “Yes, Warren. My dad’s name used to be Warren. No relation, I’m sure.”

  “Surely.”

  “My mom legally changed her name to Luna sometime shortly after I was born. Get it? Saul and Luna Bliss?”

  Ethan cocked an eyebrow over the rim of the glass. You’re not getting any more alcohol out of there, buddy.

  “Saul… Sol…”

  He snorted into the glass.

  “Yeah.”

  “Fucking hell.” Ethan shook his head. “That’s brilliant.”

  “It would be if it also didn’t make me groan every time I think about it. I grew up in a smaller town… fairly liberal for small towns, but I still got made fun of all the time because of my name and my parents. They went super crazy after I graduated high school, but they weren’t that much better beforehand. They chaperoned one of my high school dances and were caught having sex in the family bathroom.”

  “Wow.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “That’s wild.”

  “You’re telling me.”

  Ethan pulled her into his arms, both of their mouths smelling like liquor. “When we’re their age, we’ll get caught fucking in billiard rooms.”

  “As long as we don’t become murder suspects.”

  “Rope or lead pipe?”

  “I always guessed the wrench first, myself.”

  Jasmine hooked her hands behind Ethan. “How did I get so lucky? A man who appreciates board game culture.” She snickered. “My parents have no idea how great you are.”

  “Hopefully they’ll find out soon.”

  “I’m sorry they snuck up on us like that. It’s going to put everyone out… and even if you don’t, I’ll probably be super sick of them by the end of the week.”

  “I’m sure it will be fine. They obviously love you and want to be here for your wedding. I’m glad you have some family coming here.”

  “Yes, but for two months?” Jasmine wasn’t all about her lifestyle, but her parents would definitely cramp her lifestyle.

  “There’s plenty for them to do. The woods on the property alone should give them plenty of room to… get away for hours at a time.”

  “See? You’re already trying to get rid of them!”

  The rest of the day was a mixture of misunderstandings, small arguments, and severe repetition between the members of the household. Naturally, Saul and Luna were vegetarians, which meant Belinda had to change gears for dinner – so much for the baked chicken. Unfortunately, it had already defrosted in the kitchen, so the Blisses had to deal with the scent alongside their mashup dinner of potatoes and vegetables. They did not say anything, knowing that their daughter was a terrible carnivore who partook in the misery of animals alongside her fiancée, but they still made a face every time the scent of delicious chicken wafted in their direction. I mean, this vegetarian thing didn’t happen until they moved to the commune, where it was probably mandatory. Whatever made them feel better about themselves, though.

  Of course, they asked Ethan a lot about his background and what he did. All he would say was that he was “in many fields.” Luna passed this off to her husband by saying, “The man has so many interests. Isn’t it remarkable?” Both parents wanted to know about the gorgeous garden out back. Ethan clung to this point of conversation he could confidently engage in, talking about how the former owner started the garden and that was what sold the house.

  Saul grunted on his roasted broccoli. “So you own this expansive estate, huh?”

  If he thinks this place is huge, then he hasn’t seen the other places I’ve been to. Ethan had a “small” home, all things considered. Every time Jasmine visited another mansion, like the Warrens’, the Mathers’ estate in the countryside, or even Monica’s place of business farther away, she was constantly lost, wondering how people could live in such huge palaces. Then again, they were often stuffed full of staff during the day. Monica had her own damn maid to cater to her every need and whim! Ethan and I would both go crazy with that. Belinda and Harold were plenty enough company. Even when Ethan made the last minute decision to sleep in the penthouse, Jasmine still had security patrolling outside at night to keep her feeling safe in an otherwise empty house.

  That had changed now. She had parents. Here.

  Since said parents had driven for almost two days straight to get there – including taking turns driving the night before – they expressed a desire to turn in early. “We’re used to it, anyway,” Luna explained. “We have to get up around five in the morning back on the farm. If we’re not in bed by nine, it’s going to be a long day.”

  This did not mean Jasmine was safe from her parents, whether they were all the way down the hall or not. For the moment she sat down in the den while Ethan went to take a shower, Luna appeared, sitting as close to her daughter as she dared.

  “So,” she said, mischief all over her lined face. “Let’s talk about this fine man of yours.”

  Jasmine, leaning against the couch arm, groaned. “Let’s not.”

  “Now, do you think you can get away with that? If I grilled you about your boyfriends in high school, then it’s only natural that I want to know all about the man you say you’re going to marry!” She tittered. Jasmine would find her mother’s mirth cute if it weren’t for the subject at hand. “My little girl is all grown up and marrying a fine looking man. Whoa, honey, that guy is a real piece of meat, and I say that as a vegetarian.”

  “Mom!”

  “All right, I know, you don’t like to think of your mother as a sexual being. Although I have to ask where you think you came from…”

  “Mooooommm.”

  “Forgive me for caring so much about your personal life. We don’t get to talk very much anymore.” There’s a reason for that. “I want to know all about him!”

  Jasmine glared at her. She didn’t mean to be so insubordinate to her mother… and in theory, she regarded her mother with healthy levels of indifference and respect. In theory. Trying to behave as such in front of Lu
na was an entirely different story. “Mom, you do realize that I’m marrying a big bastion of capitalism, right? Ethan is one of the richest men this part of the country has ever seen. He owns one of the biggest employers in the city. He’s worth billions of dollars.”

  Luna continued to nod as if Jasmine didn’t say anything of substance at all. “Yes, yes, that’s plain as day. It’s your father who is in denial. It doesn’t bother me as much. As traditional as it makes me sound, I’m glad to know you’re marrying a man who can make sure you’re taken care of, no matter what you decide to do. Your father always talked about you dating the sons of our friends on the farm… goodness, unless you really want our kind of life, I don’t actually recommend it. Takes a certain personality, and, forgive me, Jas, but I don’t think you have it.”

  “Doesn’t bother me at all. I don’t want to work on a farm.”

  “What do you want to do?”

  She shrugged. “Still figuring that out.”

  “Well, whatever it is, I’m sure that nice man will support you. The way he looks at you… reminds me of how your father first looked at me when we started dating.” The wistful twinkle in Luna’s blue-gray eyes was almost darling. “I can only assume how he is in bed!”

  Jasmine flung herself over the arm of the couch, groaning much louder this time. “We’re not talking about that.”

  “Come on, give your mother a tidbit. Like… how big is he?”

  “Stop!” Jasmine was going to cry.

  “Don’t be embarrassed, honey. It’s important that my daughter is properly satisfied in all aspects of her relationship. Your father can look into many things on my behalf, but this is… well, if he found out anything, I’m sure Ethan would find himself with a bloody nose. Your father is all about free love until it comes to his little Jazzy.”