by Jolene Perry
“About what?” He looked suspicious.
“About a particular job,” I whispered.
He nodded in partial understanding. We both knew now wasn’t the time to sort it out. He touched my cheek briefly and kissed me.
I went back to pinning the hem of the dress. Brian came back out in his running wear. Shorts and a sleeveless shirt. He had a great body. Broad. Athletic. Amber stole a few glances, and I smiled. Noah would never look like that. He was half Brian’s size. I also loved the way Brian moved—athletic in a way that wasn’t overconfident or cocky. He was a good man.
“Well, don’t make Stuart feel too out of shape.” I smiled up from the floor.
“Riley can handle himself.” Brian laughed as he pushed his way out the door.
“Well, I never thought tattoos could be sexy, but they kind of are,” Amber said.
“I’ll agree with you there.” I stuck a few pins in my mouth and took another fold of hem.
- - -
“So she had you talk to your ex boyfriend?” Josie asked.
Amber had left shortly after Brian; it hadn’t taken us long to do our hem. Having an apprentice was going to be pretty nice.
“Yep.” I carefully gathered our mess from the living room.
“How did that go?”
“Let’s just say that I didn’t say to him what I wanted to.”
“Oh.” She said.
I stopped and looked at her, wishing I had taken this advice. “Never date anyone without praying about it first. Ever. Even if you think it’s just for fun. That boy is self-centered, mean and spiteful. I didn’t realize it until it was almost too late.”
“Promise.” She smiled.
I took a deep breath, and got another pain in my lower side. I rubbed both my hands up and down my stomach. I’d have to start stretching again or something. “Thanks for your help today. I can finish on my own.”
“Okay.” She shrugged and headed for the door. I wasn’t in the mood to sew the stupid dress after talking to Noah. I’d probably sabotage the whole thing.
- - -
“So, I have to ask what happened today.” Brian put his arm around me on the couch.
Nathan was in bed, and every part of me wanted sleep. My body rested heavily against Brian.
“Oh, Noah wanted to talk to me. I had to play all nice with Amber in the room, but you would not believe what came out of his mouth.”
“Like what?” He tensed up next to me.
“I don’t remember exactly, but it was wicked mean. Like the night I turned him down? The last words I remember hearing from his was how big a sacrifice it would be for someone to marry a girl like me who couldn’t have kids. I’m sure he was just in shock that someone actually told him no.”
“That’s where your question came from.” His face softened.
“What?” I lifted my head off his arm.
“You asked me that question the night you two split.”
“Oh yeah.” I did remember that. Brian rescued me after I’d been stranded in downtown.
“You remember what I said?”
I felt my face pull into a smile. “That it wouldn’t be a sacrifice.” I could feel the warmth of him spread through my body.
He touched my face with his fingertips, and I felt butterflies spread. “Because any man who was with you would think himself the luckiest man in the world.” Brian put his arms around my back and pulled me closer.
“No, wait,” I said, pushing him away.
“What?” Brian was completely distracted, continuing to kiss down my neck.
“There’s more. I told him we’d gotten married. He didn’t know. I didn’t do it in the nicest way either.” Brain pulled away then, and I smiled.
He looked way too pleased. “How did that go?”
“He hung up on me.”
“Excellent.” He kissed me again, pulling me down on top of him on the couch, Noah forgotten.
SEVEN
“It’s Monday, we just got Nathan off to school, my class was cancelled, and you don’t have class… at all. Why don’t we go for a short hike or something?” Brian asked.
“Why not?” It was still hard for me to want to do anything that didn’t involve me being snuggled up to him, but getting out of the house sounded great. “Let me run to the bathroom, grab my coat, and I’m ready.”
We pulled into the parking lot of a nearby trail and got out to stretch. I got a pain in my lower stomach again. Must be the car ride. It was October and cooling off quickly.
“Give me just a sec, I have to pee.” I started to move away.
“Again?” Brian looked incredulous.
I stopped and felt the color drain from my face and dread start in my chest. It was connected, all of it. The tiredness, the small pains in my stomach and now this. I knew that list. I’d seen it a million times. I didn’t have all the symptoms, but it was enough.
I thought back frantically as far as I could remember. Tired, sharp pains, frequent… No, no, no, this couldn’t be happening now, not in the best months of my life. It was the only thought running through my head. I stood there frozen. Brian was at my side in a second. I tried to breathe in, and for a moment thought I wouldn’t be able to.
“What is it?” He worked hard to keep his voice even.
I sucked in a breath. “I didn’t see it. I didn’t put it together.” My body shook. My voice shook.
“What?” he asked. “What didn’t you see?” He put his hands on my arms. “Leigh?”
I knew it. I knew it right then. I knew what the doctor was going to say. I knew what I’d have to go through. What Brian was about to have to go through. What Nathan would go through. I choked back a sob at that thought. I looked up at Brian desperately. I didn’t want to be sick. I wanted to run away and pretend I didn’t have a doctor to go to. I wanted to hide. My chin started to shake, but I had to hold myself together, hold together all the tiny parts of me that were breaking apart.
“My, um, stomach.” I swallowed. “And I’ve been so tired and now this and I just hadn’t put it all together…” I could feel his arm around my shoulders and we started to walk back to the car.
Realization hit Brian. He froze, still facing me. He looked down, nothing but a mask of calm. “So we need to call your oncologist.”
“And I really do have to pee.” I tried to smile. I walked back to the small restroom. It felt like moving through jell-o. I didn’t want to do it again. I couldn’t imagine going through it all again. I remembered enduring the stress of my parents, and then my brother, Jaron. Now I would have to watch Brian and Nathan. Having more people connected to me was going to make it harder, not easier. Wave after wave of disbelief and dread washed through me.
I walked back to the car in a daze, staring at the dust around my feet. I pulled out my cell when I got inside, afraid to look at Brian. Afraid of what I’d see. I didn’t have the strength to face his worried look. I wanted to get the call to my doctor’s office over with first.
“Dr. Watt’s office.” A perky girl’s voice answered.
“This is Leigh Tressman, um, Wright, but I’m probably still Tressman to you. Anyway, I need to make an appointment, as soon as you can squeeze me in.” My body was starting to find a place of detachment, somewhere I could speak and sound normal.
“Hmm… Well, you’re on our list of squeeze-ins, but he did have a cancellation tomorrow morning, and would be able to have a little more time with you.”
“Tomorrow morning would be great.” I stared at the grey dash of the car, trying not to believe my situation.
“We’ll see you at ten.” I could picture her smiling and happily putting my name into the empty time slot in her computer. I wanted to slam the phone.
I looked over at Brian, sitting in the driver’s seat. The air was heavy. He put a hand on either side of my face. “I love you, Leigh.” He leaned forward and kissed me softly.
“I love you, too.” I kept my eyes closed as he pulled away.
“So, tomorrow?”
I nodded. He leaned back in his seat, and started the car. I looked out the window. I didn’t want this stupid body. I didn’t want to be sick. We were back on a main road. I could see a sign for Crown Burger up ahead.
“Hey, Bri?” I sat up, feeling lighter than I thought possible.
“Yeah.”
“I’m not really sick or anything until we go in tomorrow,” I started.
“Are you that sure?”
I nodded. My discomfort had been going on for a while, but I’d dismissed it as simply being stiff, newly married... I realized how often I’d taken short naps in the afternoon and how many weeks I’d slept for hours more than necessary at night. There had been a lot of symptoms. I should have figured it out right away.
I tried to lighten my voice. “I was just thinking, I have this afternoon and tonight where I can pretend I don’t know, and we can pick up something to eat and hang out and no one will be sick, no one will be sad and tonight everything is still perfect.” I hoped we’d be able to do it. That we’d be able to pull it off. In that moment it felt like my sanity depended on it.
He barely caught the entrance to pick up lunch. “Sounds like a great idea.” His smile looked forced. He was trying too hard. So was I. But I needed this. I needed another night of normal. We stopped in the drive-through. Brian leaned over and carefully put his hands on my face. We sat and stared at one another, I took in his warm, brown eyes, the concern on the edges. He kissed me and pulled away, keeping his eyes on mine. He turned away from me quickly, and looked out the window, holding his chin with his hand.
I worried that my idea for our evening wouldn’t work, but when he turned back around he smiled easily at me sending me a message—he’d do his best.
- - -
I woke up sometime in the middle of the night and rolled over to snuggle back up with my husband. He was gone. I sighed. He must be in the bathroom. I waited restlessly for him to return, and then wished I’d checked the clock when I first rolled over. He’d been gone forever. My sense of time in the middle of the night was way off.
I rolled off the edge of our bed, and walked into the hallway. The bathroom was empty. Strange. I slowly walked into the living room. Brian sat on the far end of the couch in the dark, his head in his hands. I could see his body shake in the dim light. My heart broke a little right then. Already I was hurting him. It hadn’t even begun, not yet.
It startled him when I kneeled down, and he sat back.
“I’m so sorry, Brian.” I felt a hot tear slide down my face. I didn’t want to be the one responsible for this.
He shook his head. “Please don’t say that, Leigh.” He took my face in his hands gently. “I love you like… like I never thought I’d love anyone.”
I started to get up, but he put his arms around and underneath me to pull me onto his lap from the floor and held me tightly. “I would do anything. I mean anything to take this from you, and I can’t.” He took another breath in. “I feel so helpless.”
“I would do anything to take this from you too,” I said. “You have to know I’d rather do it myself than watch you do it.”
I saw another tear escape, and slide down his cheek. Guilt washed over me, and I felt helpless too. I put a hand on either side of his neck, and rested my forehead on his. My tears formed small streams on either cheek. “I don’t want to break you apart like this.”
We sat close together, neither of us speaking. His breathing become more even, and his body more relaxed.
“You’re not breaking me apart, Leigh,” he whispered. “This is just something I can’t fix, and I don’t know what to do with that.”
I didn’t either.
EIGHT
I didn’t like the expression on Dr. Watt’s face as he watched the ultrasound screen. I was right.
“I didn’t see the pictures from the last time, but from the description this looks about the same… maybe a little worse. I can see a definite growth here.” He pointed to the black and white blobs on the screen. “And it looks like its spread this direction. We won’t know if it’s cancer or not until we send samples to the lab.”
He looked over at me and then up at Brian. Brian stood very still. “My recommendation, Leigh, is that we do surgery as soon as possible so we can get you started on your treatments.” He talked like he didn’t know, like we needed to check, but he knew. Just like me.
“Don’t even try to make it sound like I’m going to a spa,” I said. “I’ve been there before.”
He smiled thinly and nodded. “I won’t know for sure what we’re looking at until we get in there, but you’re obviously going to lose your ovary and tube on that side, not that they’re doing you any good. We’ll look around carefully, measure fluid, that kind of thing. I can say with about eighty percent confidence that we’ve caught it at stage two again, that means not a lot of fun for you, but great as far as survival rates go.”
Brian couldn’t hide his reaction from those words. “Survival rates.” It had scared me to death the first time around. I knew what to expect now. I squeezed Brian’s hand and he looked down at me with what he thought was a reassuring smile.
“So . . . um . . .” Brian’s voice shook.
“I can’t give you any numbers or anything until we’ve gone in, and I hear back from the lab. This is the part that all the husbands want.” He patted Brian once on the shoulder before turning his attention back to me. “So, Leigh, I need you to eat all healthy stuff, drink tons of water and get some good rest. I’m going to call the hospital so we can get this started, okay?”
I nodded. The lump in my throat kept me from speaking.
“Don’t worry.” Dr. Watts smiled at Brian as he stood. “She’s a tough girl. I’m going to make a few calls. I’ll be right back.” He smiled again and left the room.
My marriage with Brian seemed so new. Fragile wasn’t the right word, it just seemed like too much in our first few months together. I wasn’t ready for the first part of our marriage to be over.
Brian took a deep breath. “You must be ready to get out of here.”
“Yeah.” I sighed. “But I’m not ready to call Mom.” I knew I’d hear her heart break over the phone. I didn’t want to do it.
Dr. Watts stepped back in.
“That was fast,” I said. That wasn’t good. When doctors were quick, it was never good.
“Brian, can you excuse us for a minute?” he asked.
“No, no, he can stay.” I shook my head.
“Nope, sorry Brian, just for a minute,” he insisted.
“No problem.” Brian squeezed my hand before leaving the room.
I didn’t like Brian being dismissed like that. “What… ” I started to say not even trying to hide my irritation.
“Leigh.” Dr. Watts held my gaze in his. “Brian will not know either way, I will tell him its office policy. Do you want him to know everything I tell you?”
“Of course.” I didn’t even have to think about that. Brian needed to know, probably more than me. I had a habit of blocking things out.
“This means I talk to him about treatments, severity, what you need to do. And I know you well enough that you don’t like to hear it.” A corner of his mouth pulled up a little. He’d dealt with me well my freshman year of school when I wanted nothing to do with him or guidelines—even when my recovery depended on it.
“It’s okay. Brian’s it, you know?” I wrapped my arms around my middle, like my arms on my sides would help me be more in this moment—not that I was sure I wanted to be in the moment.
“Okay. Good.” He stood up and opened the door. “We’re ready for you, Brian. Thanks.”
Brian walked back in, his eyes on me, wary, afraid.
“I think we can do you Thursday.”
“Like in two days Thursday?” I asked.
“Like in two days Thursday.”
“Doesn’t it take way longer than that just to get approval for insurance and stuff?”
“Your parents set up a cash account with your doctor in St. George. The information was transferred with your medical records when you moved up here. The purpose was to not delay treatment if it was necessary, and we’ve been checking you so this came in pretty fast.”
“Um… okay.” I hadn’t known you could do something like that. I’d definitely have to call Mom. They’d already promised to keep paying for my health insurance while Brian or I was in school. It felt like a lot, but there was no way we could do it on our own.