by Jolene Perry
“I…” His face was filled with hope. Did he know what it all meant? “We’re working on it.”
“Good.” He set his pack in its spot next to the front door.“ I want to go.”
Tears hit the edges of my eyes. “I want to go with you, too.” I wiped my cheeks. “Hey Nathan? Do you see your daddy over there?”
“Yeah, he’s at Uncle Stuart’s house.”
“That’s right,” I said. “Can you run over and tell him that I need some help?”
“Sure, Mom!”
“Wait, Nathan.” I hadn’t been fair to him either, though it had been different with him. “I love you.”
“Love you, too!” He waved as he bounded off the porch. “I’m glad you’re happy again!”
My heart caught in my throat with Nathan’s words and then again as I watched Brian come down the stairs next door. He moved quickly, but it looked as if there were struggle in every movement.
How had I not treasured every second he’d spent with me? He walked over to our large porch, the same strained smile he’d been wearing for the past month. The past month where I’d been so horrible.
“Wanna join me inside?” He tried to smile wider.
I nodded. I still didn’t trust myself to speak. He looked down, and his eyes were red, like he’d been crying. Because of me. Not because I was sick, but because I’d been shutting him out. Completely.
“Would you carry me in?” I asked. He always wanted to, but I’d stopped letting him unless there was no other way.
“Of course.” His expression softened. He pulled me carefully into his arms. I breathed him in and reached my hand up to touch him softly on the neck.
“Thanks,” I whispered quietly.
He walked easily even while carrying me, through the front door and into the house.
“Bedroom?” I asked.
“Sure.” He carried me down the hall and into our room, setting me on the bed.
“Brian, I…” I wasn’t sure what to say. “Do you think that Stuart could take Nathan for a while?”
He nodded. “I’ll be right back.” His voice echoed the same quiet tone as mine. He leaned down and kissed me on the head. I smiled at him as he walked out the door.
I had to pee and walked slowly into the bathroom, using the walls for support. I wasn’t as dizzy as I had been. Only two more to go. I still kept a hand on the wall, just in case. When I opened the bathroom door Brian came down the hallway. I leaned against the doorframe.
“Hey.” He smiled.
He stepped close to help me back to our room. I reached out and touched his chest with my fingers and then let them slide down over his stomach. I took a small pinch of fabric from his shirt and pulled. He moved closer as I knew he would. He leaned down and I stretched up until our lips pressed together.
I pulled myself as close to him as my weak arms would allow. I could feel the relief in his body. He kissed me back, so softly. He was so careful with me now. I missed those first few weeks of being together when I could feel the strength of him pulling on me.
“Will you come and lay down with me for a while?” I asked.
“Yeah.” The sadness disappeared from his eyes and I could see him relax.
He touched me gently and carefully and helped me shuffle around until we both lied down, our faces close.
“I’m sorry.” I looked into his deep eyes and felt completely ashamed of how I’d treated him over the past weeks, maybe longer. Time had been running together.
“What are you apologizing for?”
“For being absolutely horrible to you. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, Leigh.”
“No. It’s not okay. There’s no excuse. I think part of me was trying to protect you. Like distancing you from me or making you not like me so it would be easier to watch this, and easier if it… doesn’t turn out well,” I finished.
He closed his eyes at my last remark, I watched him swallow once, fighting not to cry. I reached over and touched his face, tears already streaming down mine. He did the same. After a few moments, he opened his eyes and took my hand in his. The connection felt good. Brian felt good. I could have had this the whole time. I’d been such an idiot.
“You said something to me, at the beginning of all of this.”
“Yeah?”
“You said that you wished you could just hold me tight enough to make all this go away.”
“I still wish that, more than anything.”
“But you do. You do make it all go away. When you came home in the middle of the night and wrapped your arms around me so I could drift back off, or night after night when you held me close and touched me until I fell asleep? You took it all away. I didn’t feel sick. I didn’t remember that I was sick. I just felt you there and felt that you loved me. That’s how you made it go away.”
“I love you.” He arms wrapped more tightly around me.
“I need to be closer to you right now.” I felt like there would be no way for me to get close enough. I wanted to feel his warmth, his strength, his support.
He scooted down and over so I could lay my head on his chest.
“I’ve felt so heavy. Everything’s felt too hard.” I tried to explain to him.
He had one arm around me and the other slowly rubbed up and down my back. “I think I understand.” He breathed out. “We should call your doc. Maybe he could find something else for you.”
“Maybe.” It didn’t feel like there was anything out there that could possibly help.
“I love you Leigh, the real thing, more than I thought possible and I will love you forever. If there’s one thing that I’ve learned in this short time with you, it’s that love really does grow deeper.”
“Imagine us at eighty.” I smiled.
He laughed. “I’ll be eighty five.”
“Oh right. Because you’re the old one.”
“Yeah. I’m the old one.”
I stopped looking at him for a minute. “If I ever start doing that again, call me on it, right away, okay?”
“Deal.” He smiled.
“I can’t believe what you’ve had to go through.”
“I can’t believe what you’ve had to go through.”
“What we’re still going through,” I said.
“Only two more, right?”
I nodded. “Only two more and then we’ll see…” I trailed off. Then we’ll see if the cancer is gone for now or if treatments need to change, which for me, meant the end. It was probably a bad perception for me to have, but that’s what it was.
“Don’t think that, Leigh. I can feel your body change.”
“Sorry, it’s hard.”
“John and Mark are anxious to see me again.”
“The Seattle guys.”
“Yeah, them.”
“Are you going to go?”
“I told them I had one more month. They really want me closer.”
“This is kind of exciting isn’t it?” I asked. I was so, so proud of him. “I can’t believe how well this is going for you. You love working with them don’t you?”
“I do, but it’s not just for me, it’s for us and it means Seattle.”
“I grew up there. I love Seattle.”
“It will create some extra expense for Nathan to see Amanda, if I can keep talking him into going.”
“That’s okay.”
“You’re really okay with this?” His brows rose.
“Of course.” Part of me hoped I’d be well enough.
Brian looked at me carefully. “We’ll go together. Don’t worry.” He ran his hand across my face again and then across my head. “I’ll kinda miss this.” He laughed softly playing with my bald head.
“I won’t.”
“Won’t what?” He looked at me.
“Won’t miss it.”
“When?” He pulled up the corners of his mouth just slightly.
Now I got it. I smiled back. “When I’m all better and I have shiny hair again.”
“Hmm.” He said looking at me.
“What?”
“I wonder what color it’ll grow in this time?” He smirked.
I laughed and leaned my head forward into his chest. He reached his arm around my back and pulled my body next to his until we faced each other. I felt lighter. I felt healthier. I felt hopeful. I snuggled into him and put my arm around his waist and ran my hand slowly up and down his back.
“I love you,” I whispered into his chest.
“I love you, too.” I could feel his chin on my head. Once again, life felt good.
- - -
We all had a big dinner on our porch that night. My hammock was still the most comfortable place for me. Jaron offered the prayer and I had to peek up at Joseph to see what he was doing. His eyes were closed at first, but he must have sensed he was being watched because he opened his eyes and I smiled at him briefly before closing mine again to hear the end of the prayer.
I didn’t eat anything. My appetite had completely disappeared. Right now food meant throwing up, and it was really hard to get past that. Brian didn’t miss anything and came out with a shake, which I happily drank. Poor Nathan was filled with disappointment that he couldn’t have a shake for dinner.
“So, are you headed to Mom and Dad’s next?” I asked Joseph at the end of the evening.
“No, I need to get back home. Mostly I wanted to see you and Jaron. He was twelve the last time I saw him.” Joseph looked like he hardly believed that.
“Give Lori and those babies a hug for me will ya?”
“Oh, they’re both running around now.” He smiled. “The baby part of their life is disappearing fast.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. Time flies.”
“Yes it does,” I agreed. And all I could hope is that the last bits of my chemo would fly by as fast as I wanted them to.
TWENTY-NINE
Eleven of Twelve
So Close
Monday came. My mother arrived the night before as was standard, and Brian and I left in the morning. Jaron and I thought it would be better if she didn’t know that Joseph had just been here. He’d see Mom and Dad at some point in time.
“Walk with me inside?” Brian asked, after he opened my door at the hospital.
“That’d be great.”
I made him climb up on the bed with me. He was happy to—even though we both knew he had work to do. I ignored the nurses setting me up and lay on Brian’s chest. It was the only place I wanted to be.
“Morning you two,” Dr. Watts said as he came in. He stopped when he got to the foot of my bed and I smiled down at him from my spot on Brian. “Well, it’s nice to see you back, Leigh. You’ve honestly had me a little worried.” A woman, nearly as tall as him with long brown hair stood behind him. “I’d like you to meet my wife, Abby.”
“He’s told me so much about you, Leigh. He’s lost quite a few nights sleep over you lately.” She walked up the side of my bed to stand next to me.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. It’s one of the reasons I love him so much. He cares a lot about what he does.” She exchanged glances with her husband.
“And he does it well.” I smiled. I felt terrible, but more okay than I had since the beginning.
“Only two more, Leigh.” Dr. Watts rested an arm on his wife. “And then you can start healing back up again and continue on.”
“Yep.” I smiled up at Brian and he tightened his arms around me.
“It was nice meeting you finally.” Abby smiled at me.
“You too.” I nodded. “It’s amazing, I’ve known your husband for all this time and I sometimes forget that he has a life outside of all this craziness.”
“Me and two kids. April and Henry.”
“How old are they?”
“Eleven and thirteen.”
“I bet it went fast,” I mused.
“Very,” she agreed. “But it’s been a lot of good years.”
“Thanks for coming in. I’m glad I was more myself today than I have been.”
“Me too.”
Dr. Watts wrapped his arm more tightly around his wife and they started to walk out together.
“We’ll see you very shortly, Leigh. And thank you for finally picking up your scrip.” Dr. Watts smiled again as they walked out the door.
Yep. Shortly. For the last one.
- - -
Mom left on the Friday after treatment eleven, as was our routine. That first weekend after a hospital session was a lot easier now that Brian wasn’t working at the bar. He was over at Stuart’s house when Nathan came in from school Monday.
“Leigh, I don’t feel good.”
“How don’t you feel good?” I asked.
“My stomach hurts.”
“Well, your daddy is next door. Can you walk over there?” I asked. We hadn’t had to deal with any sickness all winter. I didn’t want to start now. I was way too weak.
He threw up all over the floor.
I grabbed my phone and called Brian, but couldn’t just leave Nathan standing in front of a puddle of his own vomit. I stood up and helped Nathan walk to the bathroom.
“Brian, Nathan’s sick.”
“I’m on my way…don’t touch him, Leigh.”
“Too late.” I hung up.
I put my arms around Nathan and let him to the bathroom. I rinsed a washcloth in the sink to clean his face, and sat him on the floor. “Better?”
“A little.”
“Your daddy’s on his way.” I stood up and washed my hands, panic starting to set in.
“Leigh?” Brian’s worried voice called from the door.
“We’re in here.” My body leaned against the counter for support. My legs shook, from both weakness and adrenaline.
Brian picked up Nathan and ran him out of the house. “Don’t move, Leigh!” he called back as he went out the front door. I didn’t know what to do, so I did as told. I sat and waited for Brian.
He was back in minutes. “In the shower, now. Let’s get you cleaned off.”
I didn’t argue. I sat down in the bottom of the tub and let the water wash over me. Brian helped me lift the wet clothes over my head, and started to scrub the tiny room with Clorox.
“I’ll be right back. I’m going to clean up the mess in the kitchen. Do you think you can get out of the tub on your own? I don’t want to touch you until I’ve had a chance to shower as well.”
“Are we taking this a little too far?” I asked. But part of me knew we weren’t. Not with how weak my body was.
“Nope.” He smiled, trying to keep his voice light. “I’ll be right back.”
I scrubbed myself off with soap and crawled out of the tub, pulling a towel over my shoulders and stepped into our room.
Brian came in freshly showered a few minutes later. He didn’t look quite as frantic as before and helped me get dressed in clean pajamas. He sat on the bed facing me and took my hands in his.
“Where’s Nathan?” I asked.
“Staying with the pregnant nurse next door.” A corner of his mouth pulled up.
“Well, she can’t get sick! He shouldn’t be there.” I’d feel horrible if Megan and Jaron got sick, just because I wasn’t supposed to.
“Better her than you. She’s a nurse, she’s pregnant and she works with sick kids. Her immune system is solid. Worry about your brother.” He tried to laugh.
I felt bad about what they were all doing for me.
“You’ve been so accommodating lately...” He smiled. “Will you do me a favor?”
“I’m not going to like it, am I?” I asked, wrinkling up my nose in anticipation. But after being so horrible, for so long, I’d do anything he asked.
“Dinner and a sleeping pill? Just to make sure your body gets the rest?”
I sighed. “I’d love to.”
“Yes, I can see that.” He touched my face softly. “Thank you, Leigh.”
“Only because I love you.”
“Whate
ver works.” He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.