by Jolene Perry
I didn’t need the sleeping pill. I was exhausted even from the small bit of excitement we’d had. I ate a few bites of frozen yogurt and drifted off, snuggled as close to Brian as I could manage.
THIRTY
Lost
“Leigh can you hear me? I need you to try to stay awake for a minute. Can you do that?” Brian sounded panicked. Well, he sounded like he was trying not to panic, which was worse than panicking.
“Maybe if you hadn’t made me take a pill…” my throat felt full, and I was freezing. “What’s the matter?”
“You’re burning up. I’m taking you in.”
“I’m freezing.” My teeth chattered and my eyes felt too heavy to open.
He slid a hooded sweatshirt over my pajamas, picked me up, and carried me to the car. I clutched myself to Brian every time I could feel him touching me. I wasn’t aware of a whole lot else until I was pulled away from him. My protest was brief. I didn’t have the strength to put up a fight.
My body shivered on and off for what felt like hours. I heard Brian’s voice and nurses’ voices. I heard Dr. Watts at some point in time, but I didn’t know if he was talking to me or someone else. Their voices sounded stressed, but it didn’t matter. I couldn’t wake up. I didn’t want to.
The noises around me got frantic, but I happily slipped into a dream. Nothing but warm light and happiness surrounded me.
I didn’t know where I was, and it didn’t matter. My whole body felt consumed with love and warmth. I never wanted to leave. I floated in my dream and time didn’t matter. I could do anything.
I could feel my power, but it was the kind of power that made me feel like anything was possible. Like miracles were the simplest things in the world. It seemed like if I could just concentrate on any one thing long enough, I’d know everything about it. I was too happy to bother doing that, though. Instead I drifted in the peace. I didn’t feel like throwing up. I felt strong, invincible. Then something heavy on my head and warm. It was good. I felt familiar words, and relaxed into it.
I was ripped out of my dream and slammed—like hitting wet pavement after a freefall. My body felt both weak and heavy at the same time. I’d been cheated for trusting that warm touch. I drifted into a different sort of dream then, one where I was desperate to wake up and couldn’t. I tried to run down a hallway, but my legs wouldn’t work, they were still too weak and shaky. Something chased me. I wanted to just open my eyes and end it.
This is why I didn’t like taking the sleeping pills. Why had I let Brian talk me into taking that stupid pill? My head fogged. I remembered Brian waking me up. Had we left the house? I couldn’t recall.
My eyelids were sandpaper when I opened them. Dim hospital lights covered the ceiling. Was I in for another treatment already?
Brian had my hand in his two. He leaned over the side of my bed wearing scrubs. His head bowed down and his eyes closed.
“Bri?” I tried to whisper it but my throat felt dry and swollen.
His head jerked in my direction. He squeezed my hand in his. “Oh, Leigh. Thank God.” He kissed my hand and I didn’t think I’d ever seen him that relieved. What was going on? He closed his eyes again. I saw his chin tremble, trying hard not to cry. He took a few deep breaths in, caressing my hand the whole time. “How do you feel?”
“Fuzzy,” I whispered.
A nurse walked through the door. “I’ve called Dr. Watts. He’s on his way over.” She checked my monitors. “Morning sleepyhead.” Tory smiled.
What happened?
He leaned over. “We’ll talk when she leaves. It’ll take Watts a while to get here.”
“Okay, Leigh, we’ll come back in after your doctor, okay?” She didn’t wait for a response and left.
My body hurt, like I’d been here too long. He could see it in my face.
“You’ve been out for three days. You got Nathan’s flu and got it quick. That’s our best guess.” He held my hands and touched my face over and over. “I’ve never been so scared my whole life.”
Three days. I’d just lost three days and I didn’t even know it. “You look tired,” I whispered. I tried to squeeze his hand, but I had no strength.
“Couldn’t sleep,” he responded.
“For three days?” My heart ached for him as my heavy lids tried to take over again.
“I took a few naps I think.” I tried to reach my hand up to touch his face but he took it in his hand instead.
“Morning, Leigh.” Dr. Watts walked in smiling. “You gave us all quite a scare.”
I let my eyes reluctantly drift toward him. “I’m stuck here for a while, aren’t I?” I whispered. My voice still wouldn’t do more than that.
“Most definitely.” He rested his hands on the side of my bed. “You are one lucky girl. Your body did not have the strength to fight something like that off.”
“Nathan?” I looked over at Brian. I was suddenly worried, if the sickness did this to me, what had it done to him?
“He’s fine, Leigh. And before you ask, neither Jaron nor Megan got sick at all.”
I took a slow breath out and relaxed.
“Well, Leigh, it looks like we’re on the mend then. I’m much relieved and I’ll see you tomorrow. Sooner if you need me. When you think you can eat something, let Brian know. But I’d start with something easy like jell-o.”
“Thanks.”
Three days. That was a long time. How close had I come to losing my life and I hadn’t even known it? How would I have felt if positions were reversed? I looked over at Brian. Married eight months and gone through more than most people after years.
“You must be stiff.”
“I’m more worried about you.” My voice sounded horrible.
“You would be.” He smiled. “Tell me to stop if something’s uncomfortable.” He started with my feet and massaged very lightly up my legs. He lifted them slightly and bent my knees for me. It felt wonderful. He carefully massaged my arms and shoulders.
“Come here,” I whispered. He leaned towards me and kissed me on the head.
“All I want to do right now is to hold you, and I can’t.” His hand ran across my forehead.
“Soon.” I smiled.
A nurse came in with another bed for Brian—orders from Dr. Watts. He scooted it as close to me as he could and we lay next to one another.
Brian didn’t leave my side. I drifted in and out but every time I woke up, he lay there, watching.
Dr. Watts appeared again at the end of his day.
“How we doing in here?” he asked as he came through the door.
“I’m worried about Brian,” I said.
Brian shook his head.
Watts checked Brian’s eyes quickly with his flashlight. “I agree.” He tucked his flashlight back in his pocket. “I’ll be right back.”
He came back in with a smile on his face. “I have one for each of you.”
“One what?” Brian looked nervous.
“You’re no good to anyone without sleep, Brian. Don’t worry, you’re a big guy. Leigh’s just about to get hers, and I’d bet money you’re awake long before her.” Dr. Watts laughed a little and handed us each a pill. “You can wait for your meds in your IV, Leigh, if you like, but I don’t think you’ll need anything to sleep. And don’t tell anyone Brian got one, he’s not technically a patient,” he whispered.
Brian still held the offensive little white pill in his hand.
“I don’t think so.” Brian shook his head and tried to hand it back to Dr. Watts. Dr. Watts stood there, making no move toward him. “I’m not at home... there are people in and out… I don’t want to feel that out of control.”
Watts smiled wider. “Look over at your wife Brian and tell her you won’t do what the doctor wants you to because you don’t trust the people here enough to take care of you while you’re asleep.”
Brian let out a short hard breath and stuck the pill in his mouth.
I tried not to laugh.
“Like I said, B
rian, it probably won’t affect you much, but everyone here needs you to get rest and I know you well enough to not try and send you home. We’ll see you two in the morning.”
Brian didn’t say anything. He lay down then and looked at me through the handles on the side of the bed. “I’m sorry, Leigh. The physical stuff is so obvious. Sometimes I feel like that’s the only thing you’re dealing with.”
“Go to sleep, Brian.” I tried to smile.
“I’m working on it.” He reached his hand over to touch mine and drifted off. No way that little white pill worked that fast, he was just that tired. I was about to do the same.
- - -
Watts was right. Brian sat awake and watching me when I woke.
“Morning,” I mumbled. “You look thoughtful.”
“I need to tell you something,” he said.
“Okay.” My brain scrambled to push the sleepy haze away.
“Remember at the beginning of all this mess when Jaron and I gave you a blessing?”
“Yeah.”
“I paused.” He looked at me, waiting for a sign I remembered and then he continued. “I was waiting to hear the words that you’d be healed, and they never came. It terrified me for months.”
“Oh, Brian.” I reached my hand toward him and he took it. My chest caved for what that must have done to him.
“When I stood next to your hospital bed and you were unconscious and had been unconscious and I thought I might never see you smile at me again I called Jaron to come help me give you another blessing. I kept getting the answer over and over that you’d be okay.” Brian smiled a little and shook his head.
“I felt hysterical, knowing your definition and knowing what it meant. That’s why I couldn’t sleep. I had to watch you. I prayed so hard. I prayed for an answer that had some substance to it – that’s when you woke up. I knew in that moment you’d be okay. And my definition of okay, meaning here with me.” He leaned toward me and kissed my cheek.
“I can’t believe what you’ve done with me, for me…”
“I love you, Leigh. This is what love is. What love should be.”
His words filled me, relaxed me, and made me feel like the only thing I’d ever need was to be close to him. And I was.
THIRTY-ONE
Stuck
“This is one of those times where nothing I decide feels right.” Dr. Watts said as he sat down in my room. It was after his work-day and he slumped in a chair, defeated.
“What are the choices?” I asked.
“After you coming in here with the flu, I’m worried about how weak your body is and if doing the final treatment is a good idea. I don’t know if your body is strong enough to handle it, and I don’t know if I want to find out.” He sat there and stared at me for a moment.
“At the beginning you said something about possibly going longer, and now we’re talking about doing less?” I asked.
He nodded. “I feel like I’ve been doing this long enough that I should know, but I’m too involved. I like you two too much to make a non-biased decision.”
“Isn’t this the part where you talk to colleagues?” Brian asked.
“And I have.” He exhaled hard.
“And?” Brian urged.
“They’re in agreement that we go ahead with it because of the numbers in the fluid at the beginning. The fact that it’s round two for her, and we’re watching her so closely…”
“Okay.” I looked at Dr. Watts. I hoped he could read the peace in my expression. Brian and I were a force now that couldn’t be kept from moving forward.
He glanced toward Brian. Brian squeezed my hand and then nodded to Dr. Watts as well.
“Okay then. I guess that’s settled.” He made no move to get up. “So what are you two doing when this mess is all over?”
“Brian got a great job that almost doesn’t feel like a job, and it looks like we’re moving to Seattle.” I smiled up at Brian. “When I’m feeling up to it, of course.”
Dr. Watts nodded. “I have a good friend there who can take over for me when you go.”
“We’re also taking Nathan to the temple,” I said. “Again, as soon as I’m up to it.”
“Let me know when that is. I’d like to be there… if I’m not intruding.”
“Not at all.” Brian’s thumb traced the back of my hand. “We’d love to have you.”
“Well…” Dr. Watts stood in the doorway. “I guess one more then, Leigh. Eat what you can. You’re going to need your strength.” He attempted a smile.
- - -
I didn’t go home at all. Dr. Watts had been right. My body was done with this. It was my worst treatment yet. There was only so much they could do to make me comfortable.
Brian was about to go crazy, even though he hid it well. I’d never seen him so prayerful in my life. His voice was the only thing I could concentrate on.
I lay there as still as I could be and listened to him read scriptures. The familiar rhythms and his soft voice gave my brain a peaceful place to go to so I could focus on something other than how terrible I felt.
We sat for hours, my head on his chest or on his lap while his scriptures lay out in front of him. I knew in a couple of days it would probably be worse. All I could do was hope that Brian’s reading would still make me feel better.
“You need sleep, Leigh…” Brian stood over me, lightly stroking my head with his fingers.
I shook my head.
His brows pulled together.
“I’m afraid I’ll just slip away from you. That you won’t be able to do anything and…”
“No.” He shook his head. I saw nothing but peace and confidence in his face. “You’re going to be fine, Leigh. I know it.”
I looked into his brown eyes and put all my trust in him. I turned myself over to him in a way that I would have never imagined. For the first time since we were married, I completely relied on him, his priesthood, his testimony, the things he knew to be true. I held his hand and slowly closed my eyes, slipping into sleep. He would keep me here. I knew he would be here when I woke up. And I knew I would wake up.
My final few days in the hospital passed slowly, as if the rotation of nurses and hospital smell and routine would never end. I focused on Brian and the Spirit that he kept in the room for both of us.
- - -
“It’s time to go home, Leigh.” Brian’s voice whispered in my ear.
A smile spread across my face. “That sounds wonderful.” I was done. It had felt like it would never happen.
“Look, Leigh.” He pulled out his dog tags. “We made it.”
ENDINGS AND BEGINNINGS
Going home was about being together. I didn’t care what else happened. I loved the quiet peace in our house and the exuberance Nathan brought to us when he came home from school. Mom and Dad made several trips back and forth over the following weeks. She slept at Megan and Jaron’s place now. Her help wasn’t as immediately needed as it had been, and all I wanted was my family.
Brian had to make one short trip to Seattle. Both John and Mark encouraged Brian to take the time his family needed before moving. If he was able to meet with them like this, they were okay with us taking a few months to get there.
As much as I wanted to go to St. George for our sealing, Brian suggested that it might not help me enjoy the experience if I was recovering from the drive and spending the night somewhere other than my own house. I reluctantly agreed.
We headed to the Provo temple. This was the town where Brian, Nathan and I had fallen in love. It had been our home our first year together. I sent Joseph an email invite knowing he wouldn’t come. We’d at least reached a place where we could talk and write, and it felt good to have that casual communication.
“So, we’re all going inside together?” Nathan asked. He pulled at his tie.
“Yep.” Brian smiled at him in the rearview mirror.
“And they seal us?” he asked.
“Yep.” I turned back at him from the passeng
er’s seat.
“Like with glue?”
I laughed. “Like with invisible glue that makes sure we all get to be together in heaven.”
“But if you die and I’m still on earth, the glue won’t work.” His brows pulled together in confusion.
Brian lost all the air in his lungs. I smiled and put my hand on his shoulder as I leaned toward the backseat.