by Amy Johnson
Had he just called her his girl? Maybe now would be a good time to tell him she was married to…what’s his name? Oh yeah, Ted. She was a horrible wife. Give her an orgasm, a blow to the head, and a muscled hunk shirtless in her kitchen and she couldn’t even remember her husband’s name. If she wasn’t going to hell already she just got a first class ticket.
The sound of the front door closing drew her out of her thoughts and she half expected it to be the grim reaper. It was Ted. Close enough.
She heard him drop the keys on the coffee table and head downstairs to the basement. No ‘Honey, I’m home’ or nothing. Jerk. She bet Tom said ‘Honey, I’m home’ when he went home. Probably wearing a hard hat and no shirt. She needed more ice. Thank God she was a woman and didn’t have the equipment that showed arousal like a man did. Or like some men did. Ted should have an “Out of Order” sign hung on his. God knows he never used it. With her anyways.
“Was that the door?” Tom asked.
“Huh?”
“Did someone just come in?”
“Oh, yeah, that was Ted.” The Jerk!
“Ted?”
“My…” Before she could finish Ted walked in the kitchen and began throwing ingredients on the counter for his protein shake as if having a half-naked man preparing a salad in his kitchen happened every day.
“What’s for dinner?” Ted asked.
“Uh.” Megan looked at Ted incredulously. He was worried about dinner? Hello! Earth to Ted, there’s a strange man in the friggin’ kitchen. “I don’t really feel like cooking tonight. Maybe we’ll just do sandwiches.”
“I hate sandwiches, Megan. You know that. I want…” He looked at Tom, “Who’s he?”
“That’s Tom.” Megan supplied. Tom offered his hand.
“Oh,” was all Ted said as he put the ingredients back, got water instead, and started out of the room like he was interrupting them. Megan felt a flood of anger.
“OH?!” she yelled. Tom leaned against the fridge, curious. “That’s all you have to say is ‘OH’? You come home and find a man in our kitchen shirtless, making a salad for your wife, who was knocked unconscious today by the way, and all you can freaking say is ‘OH’? Do you even wonder why he’s not wearing a shirt or why his hair is wet?” She crossed the kitchen to Ted and poked him in the chest with her finger. “Huh? Do you?”
“Okay, Megan, why is his hair wet? Why is he missing his shirt?” His tone was sarcastic like there was no possibility there could be anything going on between her and Tom. Like, just because he didn’t desire her no one else would. Her blood boiled and she decided that the truth was too damn good for him. “Well?” he said.
Megan planted her hands on her hips and tilted her chin up. “I met Tom today and invited him over and we decided to skip the small talk and just get right to the sex.” Tom raised his eyebrows and smiled. “So after he ravished me on the kitchen counter we used the sprayer to hose it off and, since you never fixed the damn thing, it started shooting water like a geyser and got him all wet so we put his shirt in the dryer. Once I saw his luscious chest I got all hot and we were just about to get busy again when I suddenly got hungry. So Tom, being the chiseled sweetheart that he is, offered to make me a salad. We were just about to refuel and get after it when you came in and ruined the mood. You bastard!” She stood there waiting for him to get angry, to tell her what a tramp she was and order Tom out of his house but he did neither.
“Don’t worry about dinner. I’ll get takeout,” was all he said and he went back to the basement. Megan stood there speechless, blinking her eyes as if she wasn’t sure she’d heard him right.
Tom also stood speechless, still leaning on the refrigerator with his arms crossed over his chest, an amused smile dancing on his face, his eyes glittering.
“I’m so sorry Tom,” Megan began, remembering Tom was still there. “I can’t believe I just did that. You must think I’m a…a lunatic. I’m not usually like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” She buried her head in her hands praying that her head would explode. Tom joined her at the table again.
”It’s probably the pain pills,” Tom offered trying to hide his amusement. “I guess we should have taken that warning on the label more seriously. We should have fed you first.” Yeah, like the label said ‘if not taken with food you will temporarily lose every ounce of your sanity and make a total and complete ass out of yourself’. Megan kept her head buried and fought off tears of embarrassment.
“Megan?” Tom called out and took her hand in his again. “Megan, you’ve had a rough day. The day’s events just caught up with you and you had to get it all out. It’s fine. Really.” She looked up at him. “In fact, I’m flattered. I had no idea I was a chiseled sweetheart that got you hot. If it’ll make you feel better I’d be happy to ravish you on the counter. I would have done it earlier, I just didn’t know it was an option then.” Megan gave a weak smile. Tom smiled too. “Feel better?” he asked.
She nodded. She did feel better. She just really hated Ted at the moment.
“Thank you,” she said again, “for everything. You really are very sweet.”
“So are you,” he said still holding her hand. Their eyes met and for a moment Megan thought about letting him ravish her. Ted obviously didn’t care. But she did and it would be wrong. So she’d do the right thing like she always did.
Tom’s gaze fell to her lips and she felt heat shoot through her body. She needed that damn ice pack again. She finally broke her hand away and stood.
“You should go,” she told him before she ran out of ice and morals and ravished him.
“Will you be okay? I mean, he’s not going to do anything is he? Like hit you or…”
“Ted? Oh no. He never does anything.” Literally! “I don’t think he cares much anymore. He just kind of…exists.” She went to the dryer to get his shirt then rejoined him in the kitchen and handed it to him. He fished in his wallet for a business card and placed it in the palm of her hand, covering her hand with his.
“He doesn’t deserve you,” he said softly.
“I know,” Megan said, staring at their hands still touching.
“You call me if you need anything.” Megan nodded, still looking at their hands.
“Megan? Where are you honey? Yoo-hoo?” Megan felt her head begin to pound again. Her mother walked into the kitchen and caught sight of the big, bare-chested man holding her daughter’s hand with one hand and his shirt in the other and dropped the dish she was carrying. It looked like lasagna. Shit! Megan’s favorite. Tom and Megan stood there frozen, staring at her mother’s shocked face and the mess on the floor. She released Tom’s hand.
“Hi Mom,” Megan answered as calmly as she could. “What brings you here?”
“I brought you dinner. I was worried about your head and…” she gestured at Tom.
“Oh Mom, this is Tom.” Tom offered his hand and said hello. “He was just leaving. Right Tom?”
“Right. Call me if you need anything.” Megan nodded and shoved him towards the door with her hip. She then turned to face her mother who was clutching the crucifix she always wore to her chest. “It’s not what you think,” Megan said.
“I don’t know what to think, Megan. First the concussion, then you’re riding around with a strange man, then I come here and your necking with another man.”
“Okay, stop right there. There was no concussion and there was only one man. Tom’s the stranger from earlier and we weren’t necking. God Mom, no one even says necking anymore. ”
“Whatever!” her mother snapped. “Making out then, anyways then you make those comments about rape and murder and speeding buses and…your hair! What on earth did you do to your hair! It looks awful! It’s blonde! You can’t go to church with hair like that. What possessed you to go from your long pretty locks to this…” She waved her hands around in the air around Megan’s head.
“I didn’t cut it,” Megan lied. “The people at the hospital did. They needed to examin
e my wound closer and they…” Her mother put her hands on her hips and narrowed her eyes. Megan tried again.
“Okay, the truth is these little green aliens came down and abducted me and…” Her mother’s eyes grew even narrower now resembling tiny slits.
“Spot did it?” Megan tried and her mother threw her hands in the air and exhaled loudly. Megan winced and prepared for the worst.
“That’s it Megan! I’m calling Father Edmond. You’ve obviously lost your mind. Divine Intervention might not even work. I’ve got to go to church. I’ll probably lose my voice saying Hail Mary’s and then I won’t be able to lead the choir Sunday.” She clutched her necklace again and looked at the ceiling. “Why me?” she asked the florescent lighting. “I used to have a normal daughter, well almost normal. She did bring me a fish for a grandchild, but I could overlook that. Now she has affairs, and a trampy hairstyle, and concussions…” She was still babbling to God as she left the kitchen and slammed the door shut.
Megan stood in the kitchen wondering who would be committed to the loony bin first, her or her mother?
When she heard her mother’s car door slam she went to the silverware drawer, selected a fork and sat on the floor with her legs stretched out and began eating the lasagna her mother brought over. She may be going crazy, but even she wasn’t crazy enough to let a perfectly good lasagna go to waste.
Chapter FiveAfter eating the lasagna off the floor Megan sat next to the mess and cried. How could Ted have shown no emotion after she’d told him what she and Tom had done? He cared more about his dinner than his wife’s faithfulness. He was a jerk. An insensitive, selfish, scum-sucking, sack of shit. Tom was right! She was too good for him. She’d always been obedient, supportive, and faithful. And what had that gotten her? Sitting in the kitchen crying over a floor full of lasagna. Not to mention the fact that her mother probably hated her and her pets would probably disown her and choose to live with their father after he divorced her for…for what? She hadn’t really done anything wrong. Maybe she should divorce him. All of this was his damn fault. If he’d shown her that he loved her and made her feel important or special she wouldn’t have been sitting on the floor eating lasagna off the ceramic tile.
All she wanted was a little passion and pizzazz. Now she was probably going to get alone and abandoned. Maybe this would all blow over. She could smooth things over with Ted and go back to being the bored, neglected housewife she’d been for so long.
The only problem with that was that before she never knew she was missing anything. Until that darn email she was happy with the monotony. Now she knew what she missing and she wanted it back. Problem was Ted obviously didn’t.
Sure she could have a wild night with someone else, Tom came to mind immediately, but that wouldn’t be right and more than likely it wouldn’t last because she truly loved Ted. And she was certain that somewhere deep down he loved her too.
But if he loved her why hadn’t he attempted to show her last night when she got all dressed up for him? And why didn’t the sight of Tom half dressed in the kitchen bother him? Even when she exploded at him and told him she and Tom had had sex on the counter he showed no emotion and was only concerned with dinner.
What was wrong with her?
Just thinking about it made her cry more and when she realized how pathetic she was being she picked herself up from the floor and called Josie.
“I called an emergency meeting,” Josie said when she picked Megan up a half an hour later. “We’re going to the ‘Usual Place’. Everyone will be there except maybe Ali ‘cause you know she’s all in love and stuff and Bill is home tonight, so they might be cuddling or something mushy like that.” Megan pounded her head softly on the passenger side window. Good for Ali, she thought.
“Anyways,” Josie continued, “We can bash Ted all night and…oh by the way, your mother called my mother. She told her you’re having an affair with some guy from the gym and that she thinks he hit you in the head with a weight because you cut your hair.” Megan pounded her head harder.
“Great,” she muttered.
“Oh that’s not all, she thinks you’re taking drugs. She said she’s sending Father Edmond over to your house to talk you into going to rehab.” Megan grimaced and groaned. “Oh but don’t worry. I set the record straight.” Oh boy! That’s just what she needed. “I told Mom all about Sergio and the squishy panties. She agrees with me that at that particular moment you’re karma got all screwed up and off balance and that once we get rid of the bad karma you’ll be right back to normal. Mom’s on the internet right now researching your predicament with a psychic. She said she’d call as soon as she knew something.” Lovely, Megan’s fate was in the hands of Aunt Cleo. “Anyways, your Mom started talking real weird like she was talking in tongues or something and my Mom hung up on her. My mom said your mom needs therapy.” Megan made a mental note to call a shrink and inquire about a family rate. “So, tell me more about Tom. He sounds like a total hunk. I’m thinking about joining the gym so I can scam on him.”
“I thought your idea of weight loss was eating once a week.”
“Oh, I’m not going to exercise. Duh! I’ll just bounce around in a work out suit, maybe ask him to personally train me on the machines and stuff like that.”
“Wouldn’t it just be easier if I gave you his number?”
“No, men like challenges. I’ll go in and play hard to get and I’ll have him eating out of my hand.”
“Josie,” Megan said, “everyone knows you’re not hard to get.” Josie seemed to consider that for a moment her brows scrunched in concentration.
“You’re right. Just give me his number then.” Before Megan could respond they pulled up at the restaurant and Josie said, “Oh look, Mickey and Stacy are already here.”
***
“He’s cheating on you!” Mickey said after Megan had relayed everything to the gang. Everyone was there including Ali. Ali might be a newlywed but she was always there when you needed her.
“Mickey! We don’t know that, so don’t upset her until we do,” Ali growled to Mickey who had come straight from work and was dressed as Michael. But don’t let the suit and tie fool you. He might be dressed like Michael, but it was definitely the sassy, Mikayla speaking.
“Well, then what do you think his problem is? I mean she confessed to an affair right there in the kitchen and he ordered takeout? That’s not normal male behavior,” Mickey said.
“But there was no affair, which means he had no reason to get upset,” Stacy supplied.
“But he didn’t know that,” Ali began, “I mean what would your husband do if he walked in and saw a half dressed hunk in the kitchen with you? Affair or no affair, he still should have been angry or disturbed by it at least.”
“Maybe he has a testosterone imbalance.” Josie offered. “You know some kind of chemical imbalance that makes him act like a wuss or something.” Everyone ignored her and cut her off before she had a chance to continue.
“I thought maybe he’s gay,” Megan said, and everyone turned to Mickey.
“What?” he said. “Just ‘cause I’m gay sometimes doesn’t mean I can spot ‘em a mile away. I don’t think he’s gay. I could try to find out if you want me to but I personally think he’s cheating.”
“Which doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t be gay. He could be cheating on Meg with a guy.” Just wonderful Megan thought. A man spends ten years with her and ends up gay. That’s not the kind of testament she needed on her love resume.
“He’s not gay,” Stacy said. “And he may not be having an affair. This might just be the way he is.”
“Let’s not rule out the gay thing just yet,” Josie argued. “I mean he works out all the time, and he loves that old car he has, and he never touches poor Megan.” Megan shot her the mother of go to hell looks. “It’s like he’s…he’s compensating for something, you know, like a little…”
“Josie! We don’t want to hear about that,” Stacy growled. “Lots of men s
tay in shape, or have hot rods. So what! It doesn’t automatically mean they’re gay or compensating.”
Megan had had enough. “Look, does it really matter which of the two it is? I don’t give a rat’s behind if he’s cheating with Sally or Steve. I just want to know if he is, so I can kill him and get it over with.” Everyone stared wearily at Megan except for Ali who was removing all the knives and forks from the table just in case Megan got any ideas. Megan saw her and explained quickly, “Figuratively speaking of course.”
“Of course,” the gang said, not very convincingly.
“Oh God, what am I going to do?” Megan cried, cradling her head in her hands. “I have to know. What if it’s me?”
“It’s not you honey. You’re amazing. Everyone knows that. It’s him. He’s a jackass,” Mickey said. The waitress came by for their drink orders. Everyone except Stacy and Megan ordered beers.
“Tequila, straight up,” Stacy told the waitress.
The waitress was still standing there when Josie said, “I know! We can search the house and his office and find out for sure. Then if he is cheating Megan can have a freebie with Tom. It won’t count ‘cause it’ll cancel out with Ted’s affair, and then maybe her karma will balance and she won’t have orgasms by herself or puke on hunky guys.” The waitress’s interest in the conversation became intense.
“Make that a double!” Stacy told the waitress.
“Me too,” Megan said.
“Scratch that last tequila,” Josie said referring to Megan’s drink, “She can’t drink that,” she lowered her voice, “She’s taking drugs.” The waitress looked at Megan who dropped her head onto the table with a loud clunk.
“Bring it anyway. I’ll drink it,” Stacy said.
“Now back to the real issue at hand. How do we find out if Ted’s cheating?” Megan asked.
“Ask him,” Stacy simply said. Sure that’ll work.
“Yeah, just talk to him about how you feel and ask him how he feels, and see where it goes,” Ali agreed.
“Like he’ll admit anything. I still say we search the house and his office. Dig up some dirt. Then he can’t deny anything,” Josie said.