Snared (Jaded Regret #1)

by L. L. Collins

  Unable to stop myself, I leaned over and kissed Beau’s lips softly. I didn’t want to wake him, but I needed to touch him. When he didn’t move, I nestled my head on his chest and listened to his heart beating. This man was everything to me, and that both exhilarated and scared the shit out of me. I had no idea what that meant for us, but I knew at this point I’d do anything to wake up next to him again. He could wreck me, and I knew it.

  My eyes drifted closed as his warmth cocooned me. Just before I lost consciousness, I felt his lips against my forehead. Smiling, I fell into a deep sleep.

  “I have to go back to Orlando later,” I said. “I have to work tomorrow.”

  Beau nodded. He’d been quiet since we got up, but I was giving him his space. I knew enough to know it wasn’t all about me. Sometimes he needed to work things out in his head before he could verbalize them. “I want to go.”

  “You want to go with me?”

  “I want to see Robbie.”

  My heart soared. Robbie needed him, and I was starting to think Beau needed him as well. Maybe getting through to Robbie would help Beau see he had another purpose in his life. “I think he would like that.”

  “Are we allowed to take him out of the home for the day?”

  I leaned over and kissed him. “Beau, you never cease to amaze me. Yes, I’m allowed to take him out for the day. I’ll have to see if I have any court dates tomorrow or any pressing meetings. But if I don’t, or I can move anything, I would love nothing more than to do that.”

  “When I was a kid, I always wanted to drive go-karts. I’ve never done that before.”

  He had never driven a go-kart before? “I’m sure that Robbie would love to do that. Beau, I have a question to ask you.” I knew it made him anxious when I said that, but I had to find out. “What . . . what’s going to happen with us?”

  He stared at me for so long I wondered if he heard me. “I-I don’t know. I’ve never done this before.” He moved his hands back and forth between us.

  I nodded. “I live in Orlando. You don’t. You travel a lot for your job. I guess my question is—do you want to figure out how to make this work?”

  His throat worked, but his eyes never left mine. “I do, April. More than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. But I don’t have any fucking idea how to do that. It terrifies me.”

  I was shocked at not only his honesty but how effortless it seemed when he said it to me. Maybe we had broken down some walls with each other. I reached over and laced his fingers with mine. “It doesn’t have to terrify you. There’s just a few things we have to figure out.”

  “How about we figure something else out right now.” He pulled me into his lap.

  I thought we had more than figured that out, but there was no way in hell I was going to deny him.

  I opened the grand door to my parents’ house, stepping on the cool marble floor. My shoes echoed through the empty room as I made my way farther into the house.

  “Mom?” I knew they were here; it was a rare day off for my dad. Even after almost thirty years of marriage, my parents were the epitome of married love. My mom dropped everything when my dad wasn’t working, and they always spent the day together. I hoped to be the same way with my husband someday. My thoughts immediately went to Beau, but I pushed them away. I couldn’t think like that yet.

  “Back here, sweetie!” I followed the voice to the back patio, where my dad was grilling chicken while my mom relaxed in a lounge chair next to him. When I walked through the open doorway, my mom immediately stood up and hugged me.

  “It’s so great to see you,” she said. “You’re looking beautiful as always. How’d you get away from work today?”

  “I’m on my way to one of the group homes.” I left out the part about Beau waiting at my house for me. I hadn’t thought he’d be ready to visit my parents with me just yet. Plus, I wanted their advice. “I’m going to pick up one of the kids for the day.”

  My dad leaned over and kissed my cheek. His eyes sparkled as he smiled at me. “I’m proud of you, April.” There was a time when I wasn’t sure he was going to be proud of me. When I’d told him I wasn’t continuing medical school because I had a different dream for my career, he’d been disappointed. As much as I knew he wanted me to follow in his footsteps, he never let it affect our relationship.

  “Do you want a drink, honey? Dad’s about got lunch ready if you want to stay.”

  “I’ll take tea. I’m here to ask some advice.”

  My mom stopped pouring, frozen as she searched my face to try to figure out what I wanted to know. My dad finished the chicken and turned the grill off. He set the plate on the table in the middle of us.

  “We’re listening,” he said. “Is everything okay?”

  I nodded, sipping my tea so I could give myself a moment to collect my thoughts. Not that I hadn’t been thinking about it ever since Beau and I had agreed to see each other—or whatever we were doing.

  “Do you remember Beau?”

  My mom tapped her finger against her lips as she scoured her memory. My dad nodded. He was great with names and people. “The drummer from Jaded Regret, right?”

  “Ah, yes! I knew that name sounded familiar.” My mom laughed at herself. “He seemed like a nice guy, although he was very quiet. Sure can play the drums, though.”

  I searched their faces for any sign of distaste or disapproval of the way he looked or who he was. I saw nothing. “Yes. That’s him.”

  “What about him, dear?” My mom took a piece of chicken and put it on my dad’s plate, then one on mine before getting herself one. My stomach was in knots, so I didn’t touch my food.

  My dad watched me, his gaze unrelenting. He knew how to read me well. “Well, we . . . uh . . . we’ve been talking since the fundraiser.”

  My mom raised her eyebrows. I rarely brought up anything having to do with men, not wanting to get their hopes up about me settling down and giving them grandbabies. “Talking? I doubt you’d be bringing it up if it was just talking. Is it serious, April?”

  I fiddled with the fork next to my plate. “It’s still . . . early. I like him a lot.”

  “It’s hard to have a relationship with someone in his lifestyle.” My stomach clenched at my dad’s words. Was he judging him? When he saw the expression on my face he shook his head. “Just because he doesn’t stay in one place for long. What is that going to mean for you?”

  I nodded. “I know. Things are early, so we’re still figuring all that out.”

  “Well, honey, you know we only want you to be happy, but you said you wanted advice, so what’s the problem?” My mom sat back and put down her fork, giving me her full attention.

  I sighed. Here went nothing. “Well . . . the reason I wanted advice was because Beau has . . . history of mental illness in his family. He grew up in foster care because his mother couldn’t handle his issues after his father committed suicide when he was young.”

  Both my parents froze at my admission. “What’s your question, sweetie?” Dad asked.

  “Well . . . you . . . you’re familiar with mental illness, right? I mean, as a doctor, you have to know about all these things.”

  My dad looked at me for a moment before answering. “Well, yes, April. What kind of mental illness are we talking about?”

  I was embarrassed to admit I didn’t know. “Well, I’m not a hundred percent sure, but I know depression is part of it. A huge part of it, if I had to guess.”

  “Depression is common,” he said. “So what exactly is your question?”

  “Is he . . . can he care about me? Can he be in a relationship?”

  “Honey, without knowing much about his history or being around him, I can’t tell you about him accurately. What I can say is people with all kinds of mental illnesses can be successful in relationships as long as they have a good treatment plan and support from everyone who is close to them.”

  “Can I make him happy?”

  My mom covered one of my hands wit
h hers. “Sweetie, happiness can’t come from you. He has to be happy and content with where he is and where he’s going in life. You can’t fix him. I know you’re a fixer and want to make things right for everyone, but regardless if you and Beau decide to be serious or not, you can’t be his rescuer. Doing that will only pull you down with him.”

  Every word she said made sense, but I wanted to be that person for him. I wanted to keep him out of his head and help him see how worthy he was. “How do I support him when he’s not happy?”

  My dad blew out a breath. “If you’re going to be in a relationship, he’s going to have to learn to talk to you when he’s not okay. Communication is the key to any relationship, but particularly in one like the two of you. Regardless of what you decide, he belongs to a rock band, and you are a social worker. You don’t live in the same area. So for you to feel like you’re happy, he’ll have to make sure he’s ready to communicate with you. Do you think he is?”

  I thought of Beau, our bodies moving together while his eyes drank in every part of me. I thought of his fingers laced with mine anytime he could. I thought of the gentle way he’d kissed me before I left my house. “He does. It’s not always with words. He’s . . . quiet. It’s hard for him.”

  “Be careful, honey,” my mom said. “I don’t want to tell you not to be with him because I can see that you’re over the moon. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you like this. But no matter what guy you meet, I’m going to tell you to be sure it’s what you want. Take your time and get to know each other. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

  Would Beau hurt me? Maybe. I was way more worried about the ways I could hurt him.

  Beau’s fingers tapped on his legs as we pulled into the group home. I’d called them earlier and told them to keep Robbie out of school today, that I’d be by to get him. As much as I knew Beau wanted to be here, it made him nervous to be around Robbie.

  I cut the engine and sat, my eyes trained on Beau to give me a sign that he was ready. When I’d picked him up after seeing my parents, he’d kissed me for so long I wasn’t sure we were going to make it to see Robbie. He hadn’t wanted to talk, but his eyes had been serious. I hadn’t pushed him, but I was worried. Maybe spending the day with Robbie might be too much for our fragile relationship.

  Finally, I put a hand over one of Beau’s, stilling his fingers. “Do you want to do this? We don’t have to.”

  Beau turned his dark eyes to me. “I want to do it because no one did it for me.” He said it so quietly I had to strain to hear him. “Find him a home, April. A real one, with parents who will take care of him.”

  I sighed. “I want that more than anything, Beau.” What I didn’t say was how unadoptable Robbie was presenting. His refusal to talk or get close to anyone, coupled with his outbursts at the group home and school, I couldn’t even get him out of the group home to a regular foster home.

  Beau turned and opened the door to the car, stopping our conversation. I followed him in silence, hoping today wouldn’t be a mistake for Robbie or us.

  Beau’s demeanor instantly changed the second we walked into the large living room and saw Robbie sitting on the couch, his eyes trained on the television screen. A few toddlers played, but otherwise, the room was empty since everyone was at school.

  “Hi, Robbie.” His eyes met mine, but there was no reaction. Robbie’s eyes moved past me and settled on Beau, and I saw it. A little spark of something burned in his eyes. He liked Beau. Maybe this wouldn’t be a disaster after all.

  I sat down next to him on the couch and Beau sat next to me. I could see his fingers working on his legs. “Hi, Robbie,” he said. Robbie tucked the picture he was clutching against his chest into the pocket of his jacket so we couldn’t see it and said nothing.

  “We wanted to take you somewhere fun today,” I explained. Robbie’s eyes widened a little, and he glanced back at Beau but didn’t respond. “Have you ever driven go-karts?”

  Robbie bit his lip, looking back and forth between the two of us. I thought for sure he wasn’t going to answer when he started nodding his head. It might not be words, but at least it was something.

  “Would you like to go with us? Beau wants to go to a fun place with go-karts, and he thought you’d like to join us. We’ll get greasy pizza or chicken nuggets and fries.”

  I needed Beau to say something to him. I wasn’t sure I could convince Robbie to go with us. I nudged Beau, telling him with my eyes what I didn’t want to say out loud. If this was going to work, he had to get through to Robbie like he had before. He was the only one Robbie had spoken a word to in the weeks he had been here.

  Beau cleared his throat, and his fingers tapped against his thighs. Looking at the two of them was like seeing mirror images of the same person. Both of them were nervous, quiet, and unsure. I could only hope they could bring out something in each other. “I-I’ve never driven a go-kart before and thought you could do it with me.”

  Robbie’s eyes widened. “Never?” One of the counselors in the room stopped in her tracks when she heard Robbie speak to Beau. Our eyes met across the room, and I nodded. Beau was Robbie’s ticket to communication.

  Beau shook his head. “Never. Do you think you could show me how to drive one?”

  Robbie nodded his head. “I’ve only been a few times, but I love it.” He stood, zipping his jacket up even though it was warm outside. I wasn’t about to say anything to him about his clothing choice.

  “Well, let’s go then! Do you want to bring anything with you?”

  Robbie shook his head. “Why do you want me to go with you?” His voice was small and made me think of what a little child he was, despite the fact he was nine and had lived a rough life.

  Beau shrugged. “I think you’re cool. You remind me a lot of me when I was a kid.”

  Robbie’s eyes widened, and he looked down at his feet without saying a word.

  “Let’s go have fun.” I tried to lighten the seriousness between them. We said goodbye to Trent and walked out to my car. I hoped today would give me some insight on how best to help Robbie . . . and Beau.

  Beau

  I COULD SEE Robbie staring at me out of the corner of my eye the entire car ride. I wanted to talk to him, but what the hell did I know about talking to a nine-year-old boy?

  April’s hand was tucked in mine as she drove. The warmth of her fingers kept my head sated and my fingers still. I peered at her face, the creamy smoothness of her skin radiating in the bright Florida sunshine. Her dark hair was pulled halfway up off her face, the rest curling across her shoulders. She had on a pair of jean capris and a silk short-sleeved shirt—casual, yet still professional. A pair of sandals showed off her red toenail polish.

  She was perfection. Way too perfect for the likes of me, but hell if I could make myself stay away from her. I wanted to be with her every second of every day. The thought of leaving her later and going home already had my stomach in knots. How was I going to be a long distance boyfriend? Hell, how was I going to be a boyfriend at all? I had zero experience with this.

  You need to tell her. Everything. Once she knows the truth, she’ll know you’re a piece of shit. She’s a young woman with a future ahead of her.

  I shook my head, ridding the thoughts from my head. April and I hadn’t figured out how we’d do this long distance. I didn’t need to bare all my secrets to her.

  “Beau.” April lifted our joined hands and kissed mine, shaking me out of my head.

  I smiled at her, kissing her hand back. She seemed pacified, turning her attention back to the road as she pulled into the small amusement park. I could see batting cages, mini golf, and multiple go-kart tracks. A large building sat to the side, more than likely full of video games.

  A kid’s heaven.

  Robbie’s eyes were wide as April parked the car. He was taking everything in, and I could understand that. Ripples of excitement rolled through me. How stupid was that? Here I was, an almost thirty-year-old man and I felt like I was five
.

  “Ready?” I held open Robbie’s door. April’s silent conversation earlier had told me I needed to step it up with Robbie today. He responded to me for some reason, and I needed to be the person April thought I was and show her I could do this with him. It had been my idea, after all.

  He nodded, stepping out. His eyes zeroed in on the cars zooming around the track, then moved to the mini golf course. “Can we do that?”

  I followed his gaze. “We can do whatever you want.” April nodded.

  Then Robbie shocked the hell out of me and slipped his small hand into mine as we walked toward the building to buy tickets. April was walking on the other side of me, and when I squeezed her fingers, her eyes met mine. Tears sparkled in her eyes.

  “You’re incredible,” she whispered into my ear.

  I’d never felt better in my life.

  “You drive,” Robbie said.

  “Are you sure?”

  April stood behind the gate, watching us. We’d done single go karts several times, and now Robbie and I were going to go on the double one together, so she decided to stay back. I hadn’t missed her phone in her hand snapping pictures of us as we waited, but I wondered what was so picture worthy.

  “Yes. I want to ride with you.”

  I smiled. My head had been blissfully quiet since we’d gotten here with Robbie. He’d been nothing but wonderful the whole time, from playing mini golf to eating greasy amusement park food. He’d said a few words to April, though most of his conversation was directed only to me.

  “Beau?” Robbie’s adorable eyes met mine. His fingers twisted together. He still hadn’t removed his jacket. The child had to be hot as hell.