The Loner

by Geralyn Dawson

  Perhaps she'd reached her limit, period.

  Her mind fogged. She wanted to crawl under one of the million rocks around here and go to sleep. Her hands started shaking, her legs began to twitch. Thirst was suddenly a raging need within her. When the world started spinning, she managed to rein her mount to a halt.

  She slid down from the saddle, then sat on the ground. Her gaze focused on a prickly pear less than a foot away. I almost sat on that. Giggles bubbled up inside her, strangled her throat, then spilled from her lips.

  She still had just enough sense left to take notice of the hysterical note to her laughter. I'm addled. I've lost my marbles. I've gone crazy as a bullbat.

  "Caroline? Sweetheart?"

  Logan's shadow blocked out the sun. She continued to laugh. She tried to stop, but she couldn't. The laughter bubbled and burbled and gurgled and somewhere along the way tears joined the mix. Imagine that. More tears. Tears and blood. Blood and tears. Funny how they went together so well.

  "Shush, honey." Logan knelt beside her. "It's okay. Everything is okay."

  "No. It's really not." Abruptly, as if a candle had been snuffed or a bullet pierced a brain, the laughter died. "I'm thirsty, Logan."

  He rose and reached for her canteen, unscrewed the cap and put the spout to her lips. She drank swallow after swallow after swallow until he took the canteen away. "That's enough, honey. You'll make yourself sick."

  He must have been right, because her stomach immediately began to roll. Her skin went clammy, sweaty and cold, and the tremors renewed.

  "Heatstroke," Logan murmured. "But it's not that hot. Have you been drinking any water, Caroline?"

  Water? She didn't know. She shrugged. "I'm sick of blood, Logan."

  "I know, baby."

  "I think Will is probably safe. Don't you? He got away from that man, didn't he? He's a good boy. A smart boy. He has to be safe. He has a hat. Surely he has it with him."

  "A hat?"

  "The sun is very, very hot. Don't you think? But a hat will protect him. He needs to be protected."

  "I'm sure that Will has a hat, Caro," Logan said, sending her a concerned look. "Now, let's find us a spot to rest for a bit. Look, see the trees up ahead? We'll reach the mountains and that nice shade and probably some water, too, in ten or fifteen minutes."

  Caroline gazed up at the horse. The saddle might as well have been a million miles away. "I'm fine here."

  "You pitiful little thing."

  Logan rose and left her side, but she didn't know what he was doing. She couldn't quite work up the energy to care. A few minutes, or maybe a few hours, later, he returned.

  He didn't say a word, just slipped his arms beneath her and lifted her against him. He carried her to his horse, then slung her up into the saddle, following right behind. He wrapped one arm around her and snuggled her back against him. "You just relax, Caroline. Try to sleep if you can."

  Surprisingly, she did just that. She stirred, but didn't fully awaken when he dismounted and settled her beneath a tree beside a clear stream running between the cliffs rising high all around them. She had the sense of cooler air, of a pine-scented breeze, of the clatter of a chickadee above. They must be in a canyon. The canyon? Then she sank back into oblivion, not waking until the scent of roasting rabbit tickled her nostrils.

  Her eyes fluttered open and she sat up, taking stock of her surroundings. Meat broiled on a spit over a rock-ringed campfire. A glance toward the sky told her it was midafternoon. She'd slept for hours. Logan sat propped against a tree trunk, his long legs outstretched and crossed at the ankles. He was reading a book.

  Noting her movement, he looked up and smiled. "Hey there, sleepyhead. How do you feel?"

  Caroline blinked and rubbed her gritty eyes like a little child. "I'm fine. I... Oh dear. I don't know what happened to me."

  "You shut down. I've seen it before." One corner of his mouth lifted in a lopsided grin. "Hell, I've done it before."

  Well, she'd never done anything like that before. It embarrassed her to recall how she'd trembled and cried. It made her feel like a weak little kitten. "I'm sorry I slowed us down, Logan."

  "Hey, I was ready for a rest myself. We've been going at it awfully hard, and now that we know Will was smart enough to get himself away, we can afford to take a break. I figure that a good meal, a relaxing afternoon and evening and a good night's sleep will help us shake off the events of the last few days and we can head into the mountains toward the canyon with our energy restored."

  "So this isn't Black Shadow Canyon?"

  "No. You didn't sleep that long," he teased.

  She eyed the fire. "The rabbit smells good."

  "I did my job as hunter-gatherer pretty well," he said with a wink. "I found us two rabbits, and I foraged for some onions and carrots and potatoes so we can have roasted meat soon, then a delicious rabbit stew later."

  She smiled. "It's amazing what a skilled hunter can find in supply saddlebags."

  "Hey, now. I did catch the rabbits, didn't I? In this barren part of the universe, that's saying something."

  "And I am grateful for it."

  "I'm the grateful one, Caroline," he said, following a moment's pause. "I need to tell you.. .well..."

  She braced herself. While he'd begun this on a positive note, she couldn't help but be wary. The peace they'd established since leaving Artesia was a fragile one. She didn't want to see it destroyed. "Can we not talk about serious things, please?" she asked, feeling tired all over again. "I'd like—"

  "You need to hear this. Caroline, I want you to know that I know I was wrong about some of the things I said to you. Most important, I know that you are a good mother. Hell, you are a great mother. You are loyal and loving and ferocious in Will's defense. I couldn't ask for more or for better for a child of mine."

  Caroline blew out a breath. His words threatened to put her right back into shock. "You said—"

  "I know what I said, and I was wrong. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Caroline, I wasn't fair to you. My anger blinded me and I was wrong to let it happen." His smile, his voice and the light in his eyes were solemn and sincere as he added, "I was wrong to threaten to take Will away from you."

  Her breath caught. "You won't take him away?"

  "Shoot, I don't know that I could have made that happen even if I wanted to." Amusement flashed across his expression. 'The boy got away from Deuce Plunkett. I wouldn't stand a chance of keeping him around if he didn't want to be there. But that's not why I changed my mind, Caroline. That would be wrong and I can see that now that my eyes aren't seeing red. Hell, I could see it that night. It was bruised pride talking and I apologize for it."

  Well. Maybe this peace between them wasn't so fragile, after all.

  "Now, that doesn't mean I intend to abandon him," Logan continued. "I want to be part of his life if he'll have me. If you'll allow it."

  Her pulse doubled its pace. "What are you thinking?"

  He shrugged and looked away, not meeting her gaze. "I don't know. I guess when all of this is over, the three of us—four if you want to include Whitaker—will need to sit down and hash it all out. For all I know, Will might not want to have a thing to do with me. I'm not saying I'll take it as his final word. I'll fight for him, Caroline, even if it's him I'm fighting. But you have my word that I'll be conscious of his wishes, and I'll do my damnedest to do what is best for him in the long run."

  "He won't reject you, Logan. At the very least he'll be curious about you, and he'll want to get to know you."

  "I wouldn't be so certain. He's fourteen. At that age, he's between being a boy and a man. This experience he's gone through may well have knocked what's left of the boy right out of him. He may tell me to hit the trail, that he's a man now and he can take care of you, and that the two of you, by God, don't need me."

  "He'd be wrong." Caroline's smile was tremulous. "I don't know what I would have done without you these past few days. If you hadn't agreed to come with me..." She s
hook her head. "It frightens me half to death to think about it. I couldn't have survived all this without you."

  "Sure you could have. You are one of the strongest women I have ever known."

  Caroline's heart melted. He was saying all the right things, but even more, he said them as if he truly believed them. The words were balm for her wounded heart, salve for her soul, and they left her open and vulnerable to emotions that, despite everything, had never truly died.

  She had feelings for Logan Grey. Feelings that, if she didn't guard against them, might deepen into love.

  Maybe that wouldn't be such a terrible thing, Caroline thought as she watched him tend the roasting rabbit. They were married, after all. They could make a home, live as a family. Logan could play catch with Will in the evenings and shower him with as many gifts as he wanted—well, within limits. Maybe she could even have another child, a little sister for Will. He'd be such a fine big brother. She shouldn't forget that it was entirely possible that Will's sister already could be on the way.

  It was there, just beyond her fingertips. Everything she'd never dared to want. All she needed to do was to reach out and grab it—as long as Logan wanted to grab for it, too.

  That was the real issue here, wasn't it? What did Logan want? He'd said all the right things, acted with passion and promise, but he'd never once suggested a future where they lived together as a family—even after he'd made love with her on two separate occasions. In fact, the closest he'd come to discussing the future was that humiliating conversation on the train when he'd suggested what amounted to drop-by sex.

  She should ask him. Before she allowed her heart— and, be honest, her body—to get any more involved with him, she should find out what his intentions were. So, all she needed to do was to work up the nerve to ask him.

  All right, do it. She cleared her throat. "Logan?"

  He glanced up from the rabbit. "Yeah?"

  She licked her lips. "I was wondering.. .um.. .is the meat almost ready?"

  "Hungry? Me, too. It'll be ready in another few minutes or so, I figure."

  Disgusted with herself, Caroline figured she shouldn't be allowed to have lunch. After all, chickens didn't eat rabbits, did they?

  His words echoed in her mind. You are one of the strongest women I have ever known.

  Prove it, Caroline. Be strong and courageous. Ask him.

  But try as she might, she couldn't work up the courage to voice her questions. She managed small talk while she watched him lift the meat off the spit and set it aside to cool, and they had a rousing discussion about upcoming statewide elections as they lunched on the rabbit. When their meal was finished and cleanup accomplished, he removed a book from his saddlebags, sat with his back against a pine tree and stretched out his long legs, crossing them at the ankles. She decided to try again.

  Just do it, Caroline. Ask him. She licked her lips, then cleared her throat. "Logan? I want to... I guess I need to ask..." She blew out a heavy breath. "Logan, when you think about filling the role of Will's father, what do you have in mind for...well...what about me, Logan? Where do I stand?"

  After a frozen moment, he asked, "What do you mean?"

  "You've made it clear that you intend to be a father for our son. What I am not clear on is where you stand on being a husband."

  When he grimaced in response, it gave her a real good hint.

  He didn't want her? It was a painful, emotional punch to the gut that sucked the breath right out of her. Caroline wished she'd never brought the topic up. And yet, she needed to know. She deserved to know what his intentions were. Didn't she have some intentions herself?

  Well, not really. Not yet. She'd been waiting to see what he intended to do. But apparently it didn't matter what she wanted, did it? Apparently Will was all he was interested in.

  He let out a long, heavy sigh and set his book aside. "I reckon we should talk about it. We probably should have an understanding before we find Will. I owe you that, don't I?"

  Owe her? For what? The sex? Caroline's back stiffened even as her heart broke a little. "I don't want to think in terms of 'owing' one another. Whatever happens in the future, I think we should put our past behind us once and for all."

  "Hell, Caroline, I can't think of anything I'd like better." He rolled to his feet and stuck his hands in his back pockets. "Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to work for me. My past is my present is my future—it's a full circle no matter what."

  What did he mean by that? What didn't work? Couldn't he settle for just one woman? Was that it? A cold chill settled over her. She didn't want to believe that. It hurt too much.

  Was it something else, then? Wanderlust, perhaps? Was he a range detective because he couldn't stay in one place? She recalled that first night in Fort Worth when he'd mentioned California and Louisiana. Did the travel mean more to him than home and hearth?

  She waited a moment, debating with herself before asking, "Why not? I don't hold what happened between us against you, not anymore."

  "You don't understand."

  "Obviously." She began to feel a bit grumpy now. Needing to feel that she was on more equal ground, she rose to her feet, also. "Thus the need for an 'understanding.'"

  His mouth twisted in a crooked smile. "You are a good woman, Caroline. A wonderful woman. You deserve to have.. .well.. .whatever you dream of having."

  I deserve you. I want you. Why don't you want me ?

  She folded her arms and waited. This was sounding very much like a goodbye. While he could easily ride off into the sunset, under the circumstances she didn't see that happening. Their son was still missing and they were in the very middle of nowhere.

  He shoved his fingers through his hair, then started to pace. "I think I've come to know you pretty good in the past week or so. In some ways you are quite unconventional, but when it comes to home and family, I reckon you're about as traditional as they come."

  He halted, faced her. Sincerity rang in his voice as he said, "I can't be a traditional husband, Caro. I can't get up and go to work in the morning, come home for supper and play ball with the boy until it's time for bed. I admit I see some appeal in a life like that, but it is simply not in the cards for me."

  Her knees wanted to tremble, but she refused to allow it. "Because you don't want it to be. You want travel and adventure and.. .and.. .other women."

  "No, that's not true." He punctuated his words by jabbing his finger in the air, his green eyes flashing. "That's absolutely not true! It doesn't matter what I want, because when I take a chance and reach for it, the people I care about end up paying."

  The vehemence in his tone caused her to realize that he'd said something of import. It took a moment for his words to sink in, but once they did, her eyes rounded with alarm. "Oh, for crying out loud. What are you saying, Logan? Are you telling me that Will and I are not your only family? Do you have another wife and child stashed away somewhere?"

  "Not anymore," he shot back. Immediately, regret flashed in his eyes, and Caroline knew he'd said more than he'd intended.

  Shocked, she studied him, hurting for the both of them. She saw guilt in his expression plain as day and her stomach sank to her toes. "We're back to the 'I don't understand' part."

  He drew in a deep breath, then let it out in a heavy sigh. "It's a long, ugly story, Caroline. You don't need to hear it."

  "I think I do. I think that might be the only way I can understand what is in your head when it comes to our family."

  "We don't have a family!" he shouted. "We can't have one."

  She leaned back against a tree, folded her hands and met his stare. "Then tell me why. This much you do owe. You're married to me and, like it or not, we have a child. The least you can do is explain why we can't be together."

  "Dammit, Caroline." When she didn't relent, his mouth flattened into a grim line and his eyes took on a stoic light. He hissed out a defeated breath. "You know I grew up in an orphanage. My family all died in a flash flood."

&nb
sp; "That's how you got your nickname. People called you Lucky."

  "Yeah, well, Nellie Jennings and I had different opinions on what was and wasn't lucky. I spent about a decade at Piney Woods Children's Home, and I left because I wanted to see the world. I was in the process of doing that when I met up with your father in that saloon." He shot her a sharp look and made his point. "Look at what getting tangled up with me did to you."

  "I have Will," she responded in a quiet, even tone. "I consider him the luckiest thing that ever happened to me."

  "Yeah, well, I suspect the rest of the world might think differently considering the way you had to scratch and scramble to provide for him," he said with a self-directed sneer. "But you weren't the last person whose luck went bad after I entered her life.

  Her life. The pronoun didn't escape Caroline. She closed her eyes. She knew what was coming now. He was fixing to tell her about another woman with whom he'd been involved.

  "It was a year or so after our meeting in Artesia. Remember, Caroline, I didn't think we were married."

  Wonderful. Simply wonderful. Just what every woman wanted to hear—stories about her husband's other lovers. "In all honesty, I think I'd just as soon skip this part of your story."

  "It is the story. Look, I'm more than happy not to tell it if you're willing to let this whole discussion lie."

  "No." Movement above caught her attention and she watched a blue jay flitter from tree to tree. "I want to understand."

  "It'll probably make better sense if I start at the beginning." Logan bent and scooped a handful of gravel from the ground. As he told his story, he threw one rock after another at random targets. "After leaving Artesia, I had wandered down south. I had a vague intention to go all the way to Mexico City. I drifted along, taking odd jobs when I needed cash. I entered a shooting contest in Laredo and won twenty dollars. A couple of men watched me shoot and offered me a job. They said they were range detectives working for ranchers in the area. Jack and Stoney Wilson. That's how I got started doing what I do."

  "I've wondered about that," she said.

  "I liked the life. It suited me. I did a few things that shame me now when I look back on them, but at the time...I was playing cowboys and outlaws, Caroline. Just like I had when I was a kid. Sometimes I wore a white hat, but sometimes the damned thing was black as midnight. I didn't much care."