Fractured Heart

by Piper Whitney

  "For some reason, I don't like that look on your face," Syd said as they made it to the far corner and set the box down.

  "You know you're gonna have to help me put this thing together, right?"

  "I don't think so. But I'll keep you company while you put it together."

  "You'd do some shit like that to me? Knowing full damn well that I'm not gonna be able to do this alone."

  Syd sighed when Cole gave him the tried and true sad, soulful eyes. "You know, that so shouldn't work on me," he said.

  "I know. And yet, it has worked like a charm on you since we were in school. Now… why is that?"

  Syd blushed and shrugged. "I have no idea."

  They walked out and Cole closed the door. "So, you'll help me, right?"

  "Yes, I'll help you. I swear, I need to come up with a defense for that expression."

  "That'll never happen." Cole snickered.

  * * * *

  Cole walked into Kaity's room, smiling as she climbed into her bed and pulled the blankets up to her chin. He turned toward the window, noticing the lacy curtains were pulled back so she could watch the snow as it fell. "You wanna keep the curtains open tonight?" he asked as he sat on the edge of her bed.

  "Yes. I like watching the snow."

  Cole leaned down and kissed her forehead as Kerouac ran into the room and jumped on the bed. "Oh, so you're gonna sleep in here tonight?" he asked the dog as he curled up beside Kaity and rested his head on her side. "All right. You go to sleep. Gramma's making you something special for breakfast." Kaity giggled as Cole stood.

  "Daddy?"

  Cole turned and raised an eyebrow. "Yeah?"

  "Where do snowflakes come from?"

  Cole took a deep breath and thought for a moment. "From Heaven," he said softly as he turned off the light. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

  "Night, Daddy. I love you."

  "I love you too." He walked from the room and pulled the door until it was only open a crack. He smiled at his parents as they walked down the hall. "Heading to bed already?"

  "Yeah. With Kaity around, you gotta be up extra early," his mother said as she placed a hand on his arm.

  "You're not telling me anything I don't already know." He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Goodnight." He continued downstairs and into the living room. He stared at Syd sitting on the couch with a glass of red wine in hand. The longer he studied him, the more he found himself admiring the strength of his profile and the way the firelight seemed to dance on his skin. He'd always found Syd handsome, though he had never once entertained the notion of being attracted to him. He'd never thought of Syd in a romantic sense before, so the fact that he was watching Syd the way he was had Cole questioning why he was beginning to feel something a little more than friendship.

  "Mmm, what are you staring at?" Syd asked as he raised his glass to his lips.

  Cole cleared his throat. "You, uh, started a fire?"

  Syd chuckled. "Obviously. I thought it would be nice since it was snowing and all."

  Cole sat on the couch and put his head back, groaning a little and rubbing his forehead.

  "Wanna talk about it?"

  Cole raised his head. "Talk about what?"

  "You and I have been friends for far too long for you to be able to keep anything from me. I know you're down. You wanna talk about it?"

  "There isn't really anything to talk about, Syd. I'm fine."

  "That seems to be your answer all the time—that you're fine. You sure you are and that you're not just saying it?"

  "Yes. I'm fucking tired, but other than that… How are you?"

  "Oh, I'm all right. Going to enjoy having two weeks off."

  Cole chuckled as he leaned forward. "I'm still damn surprised you went into teaching."

  "And why is that?" Syd sipped his wine.

  "I guess because you were always such a badass in school. I thought you'd end up in jail or something like that."

  "What are you talking about were? I still am a badass."

  "Yeah, okay. You're a grade school teacher. How badass can you be?"

  "It's not what I do during school," Syd began with a wink. "It's what I do after school."

  "Do you really like what you do?"

  Syd swirled the wine in his glass around. "I actually do. There's something about seeing a kid's face light up when they get excited about something that just makes it all worthwhile, ya know?"

  Cole nodded. "I know that all too well. Do you really think Kaity's doing okay?" While he felt he was doing right by his daughter, Cole still sought that knowledge from someone else, someone other than his family, and he knew Syd would give him an honest answer no matter what.

  "Why do you ask?" Syd stretched his legs out and set his glass down.

  Cole shrugged, feeling a little silly that he had pushed the issue. "I just need reassurances that I'm doing the best for her that I can… that I'm raising her right."

  "You're doing everything as right as you know how to. What parent knows what they're doing straight out of the box? Kaity's happy, she's healthy, she's bright…"

  Cole rolled his eyes. "You're only saying that because you're my friend."

  Syd raised his eyebrows and shook his head. "No, if your child was a doofus, I would tell you. That's the type of friend I am. You know that." He studied Cole as he got comfortable. "Would you do anything differently if you could?" he asked.

  "Besides the obvious?" Cole glanced up at the ceiling for a moment. "Uh, yeah. I probably would have married you when you asked," he replied with a grin.

  Syd scoffed. "I don't recall ever having asked you to marry me."

  Cole leaned closer to him. "Of course you wouldn't. You were drunk off your tits on prom night. We were all drunk, and you blurted out a proposal."

  From the time Cole and Syd entered high school, they had joked together about getting married and "living happily ever after". Although Cole had met and married Kelsi, he wondered off and on through the years if maybe there was some truth to the joking and playing he and Syd had always done. Now he grew curious as to whether, if the chance presented itself, would he—could he—make a go of it with Syd?

  Cole had always heard that people tend to get depressed around the holidays and he was no exception, but he was at a loss to explain why he was suddenly having romantic thoughts about Syd. He wondered if he could be projecting his feelings of loss onto Syd to make the holidays a little easier on himself, or was there more to his feeling than that?

  Syd lowered his head and laughed. "Okay, drunken proposals aside. Would you do anything differently?"

  Cole shook his head. "Nope. I'm rather happy with my life, such as it is. I mean, I have a beautiful daughter, a thriving business… I don't really think I need anything else at the moment." He stared at the flames of the fire and laughed quietly.

  "Something funny?"

  "No. Just thinking about Kaity's visit to Santa."

  "What about it?"

  Cole turned. "She asked Santa to bring me someone to love."

  "Aw, that's sweet. How do you feel about that? Are you ready for someone to come into your life?"

  "I dunno. I've been on dates and all that, but I guess no one has…"

  "Lived up to the standards you have since Kelsi died?" Syd finished. "Cole, you need to stop comparing everyone you meet with her. You're never gonna find someone if you continue to do that."

  "I know, but it's fucking hard not to. Besides, I think when the time is right for someone to be in my life again, I'll know. That time just hasn't come yet."

  Syd finished his wine and stood.

  "Where are you going?"

  "Bed. That drive took a bit out of me. Night."

  "Night. Sleep well."

  Syd began walking out of the room. "You, too."

  Cole watched him leave and relaxed into the couch to enjoy the fire for a while longer, mulling over their conversation. Maybe he was setting an impossible standard for anyone else who might come along in his
life romantically, but it was hard not to want someone who made him feel like Kelsi did.

  Chapter Six

  The morning brought with it the sounds of Kaity laughing and screaming. Cole got up and stretched as he went to the window. He chuckled when he saw Syd pulling Kaity on her sled through the snow. Leaving the window, he went downstairs and inhaled deeply of the smells of coffee, bacon, and French toast. He walked into the kitchen and was met with a smile from his mother as she stood at the stove piling thick slices of egg-battered bread on a plate.

  "Did you sleep well?" she asked as she turned.

  "Yeah. I forgot where I was for a little bit there. What time did all of you get up?" He grabbed a mug and filled it with coffee from the old metal pot sitting beside him.

  "About seven. Do you want some breakfast?"

  "Yeah. Why didn't someone wake me up?"

  His mother shrugged and put the plate on the counter. "Syd thought it would be nice to let you sleep."

  Cole raised an eyebrow and sipped his coffee. "Syd?"

  "Mmm-hmm. He got Kaity dressed and down here for breakfast, made sure she ate what she took and now they're playing outside."

  Cole nodded. "Remind me to thank him later. Where's Pop?"

  "He's taking Kerouac for a walk." She grabbed an empty plate and put three slices of bacon on it and set it in front of Cole. "Eat." She sat beside him and poured herself a cup of coffee.

  "It's been a while since I haven't had to jump up and get Kaity dressed or make breakfast. This is kinda nice, Mom."

  "Yeah, well, don't get too used to it. I'm not doing this every morning. I just promised Kaity I would today." She chuckled and sipped from her mug. "I'm gonna take her into town to do some Christmas shopping."

  "She was asking me about that before we left. She wants to get me a present."

  His mother raised an eyebrow. "What do you want?"

  Cole shook his head. "No idea, but Mom…don't let her get me a Chia Pet, please?"

  She chuckled and stood. "I'll do my best, but if she has her little heart set on that as your gift, act happy and surprised when you get it." She placed her hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently.

  Cole sighed in defeat and watched his mother leave the room.

  * * * *

  Trying to watch a movie with Kaity bouncing on the couch beside him was nearly impossible. Cole glanced at her and grinned when she smiled up at him. "What's got you all happy?" he asked, muting the TV.

  "Syd said he was gonna go shopping with me and Gramma today."

  "Really now?" Cole raised an eyebrow.

  Kaity nodded and moved onto her father's lap. "Daddy, what do you want for Christmas?"

  Cole feigned like he was thinking for a minute or so. "I'll be happy with whatever it is you get me." He paused and scratched his chin. "Just, no Chia Pets."

  Kaity crinkled her eyebrows and cocked her head to the side a little. "What's that?"

  "If you don't know, I pray you never find out." Cole kissed her cheek.

  "Can we take Kerry with us?"

  "Uh, no. I think he'd be happier here than locked in Gramma's car while you all are inside."

  "Oh, Gramma's not driving, Syd is."

  Cole nodded and brushed a few dark strands of hair from Kaity's face. "Your hair looks really nice. Who did it this morning?" he asked.

  "Syd. Don't you like it, Daddy?"

  "I think you're beautiful as always, sweetheart. But then again, there is no improving perfection."

  Kaity blushed and hugged Cole tightly.

  Syd walked into the room and grinned at the scene before him. "Is this a private party or can anyone join?" he asked when father and daughter turned to him.

  "C'mon in." Cole motioned for him to join them on the couch.

  Syd sat on the opposite end of the couch and crossed his legs while Kaity slid from Cole's lap to sit between them.

  "Thank you for getting Kaity dressed and doing her hair this morning," Cole said.

  "Don't mention it. I'm kinda enjoying getting to spend time with Kaity outside of the classroom. But I don't think you and I get to hang out nearly enough anymore."

  Kaity tugged on Syd's shirt. "What about me?"

  Syd grinned at her. "I see you every day at school."

  "Yeah, but—" Kaity began, but was quickly interrupted.

  "Kaity, come get your coat, scarf, hat, and mittens on," her grandmother called out.

  With a soft moan of disappointment, she scooted from the couch and ran out of the room. "I'm coming, Gramma."

  Cole grinned. "I really do appreciate you taking care of her this morning. Where did you learn to do a little girl's hair?"

  Syd shrugged. "I looked at it and thought 'How hard can this be?' She told me what she wanted and voilà."

  Cole chuckled lightly. "Before I forget, do you wanna come Christmas shopping with me tomorrow? I still have a couple things to get for Kaity."

  "Yeah, sure. Do you know what you're getting her?"

  Cole nodded. "Anything Hannah Montana. I still need to pick up a couple Barbies for her dream house as well."

  Syd frowned slightly. "You're gonna drag me into a toy store three days before Christmas?"

  Cole nodded.

  Syd sighed. "All right. So long as we can go early to try and avoid some of the crowds."

  Kaity ran back into the room bundled up for the cold outside.

  Cole groaned softly. "Fine. We can go early. Just make sure you wake me up, okay?"

  Kaity tugged at Syd's shirt. "We're ready to go, Syd."

  "I'll go get my coat and hat then," he replied and stood. He winked at Kaity and walked from the room.

  "Can we take Syd home with us, Daddy?" she asked, turning to face her father.

  Cole shook his head. "I think he has a home of his own."

  "But I think it would be better if he lived with you and me."

  Cole raised an eyebrow as he considered his next question carefully. "Why's that, sweetheart?"

  "Because then you'd have someone to love."

  Cole placed his hand on his forehead and tried to stifle a laugh. "Um, Syd and I… we don't think of each other in that way, Kaity."

  She inclined her head. "You're friends, right?"

  Cole nodded, not realizing Syd has reappeared in the entryway. "Yeah, we're friends, but that doesn't mean—"

  "You love your friends, don't you?" she interrupted as she regarded him.

  "Yeah, I do, but…"

  "Then why couldn't he be the someone for you to love?"

  Cole grew flustered as he tried to think of an answer quickly.

  "Kaity, are you ready to go?" Syd asked.

  "Yeah!" she replied as she jumped off the couch and ran from the room.

  Cole exhaled deeply in relief. "Thanks," he said, shaking his head.

  "No problem." Syd grinned and walked from the room.

  * * * *

  Cole sat with his computer on his lap, scrutinizing the images on the screen. He had used Kaity's shopping trip as an opportunity to get some work done in peace and quiet. Hearing Kaity giggling, he glanced at the door as she ran in and bounced on the bed beside him.

  "Hey there. When did you get back?" Cole asked as she scooted closer to him.

  "Just now. What're you doing?"

  Cole eyed the screen. "Work. I have to say okay or no way to some designs for new T-shirts. What do you think? Do you like any of these?"

  Kaity studied the pictures on the screen. She scrunched her tiny nose up at a few of the things she saw. She pointed and shook her head. "I don't like those."

  "You're sure you don't like those?"

  Kaity nodded. "Yup. I don't like those ones."

  Cole grinned. "Okay, I'll make a note of the ones you don't like and maybe think about changing them, but I'm not making any promises."

  "Daddy, when are you gonna make me my pink T-shirts like you promised?"

  "I'll email the design team and have them come up with something you mig
ht like. Who knows? Maybe it will jumpstart that kids line I've been talking about. Is that okay with you?"

  "Yup. That's okay with me, Daddy. Can I have some hot chocolate?"

  Cole kissed her head. "Sure. Tell Gramma I said it was all right."

  Kaity scrambled off the bed and ran out of the room.

  Cole exhaled deeply and went back to work. He was so engrossed in what he was doing he didn't see Syd standing in the doorway until he knocked on the doorjamb. Cole motioned for him to come into the room as he closed his laptop. Syd held out a mug.

  "What is it?" Cole asked as he eyed the light colored liquid inside.

  "I spiked some coffee with Kahlua and creamer." Syd sipped from his own mug. "I thought you could use something a little stronger than hot chocolate."

  Cole grinned as he sipped the drink. He relished the feeling of the hot liquid going down his throat. "How was shopping?" He set the mug and laptop on the night table.

  "Fine. I spent the afternoon dodging questions similar to the ones you were getting earlier," Syd sat on the edge of the bed.

  Cole rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry, man. She doesn't understand about the kind of love that I want to give and want in return."

  Syd nodded and sipped from his cup again. "It's fine. I think I made it clear that it wasn't a conversation she and I were going to have anymore. Anything else she wants to know, she can ask you."

  "You'd leave me out to dry like that?" Cole asked, somewhat surprised.

  Syd laughed airily as he set his mug on the other night table and leaned back on the bed. "What the fuck am I supposed to tell her, Cole? 'Why yes, Kaity, I'll come home with you and be the love of your father's life, the one he's been dreaming about and praying for. You know as well as I do that it's not nice to lie to kids."

  But what if it's not a complete lie? Cole thought as he eyed his friend. He shrugged a little. "What the fuck am I supposed to tell her? She clearly has the picture of you and me in her head…"

  Syd held up his hand. "Yeah, she does, but she has no clue what you really want, Cole. She just thinks you want someone to make you as happy as she saw you and her mother, not the behind the scenes stuff."

  Cole nodded as he slid down to rest his head on the pillows. "Why does parenting have to be so fucking difficult?"