Syd laughed as he placed his hand on top of Cole's. "It's only as difficult as you make it." He lay beside Cole and looked at the ceiling. "Damn…"
"What?" Cole asked as he eyed his friend.
"This fucking bed is comfortable. I may sneak my ass in here one night and sleep with you."
"That won't give Kaity the wrong idea or anything, Syd." Cole couldn't help the note of sarcasm in his voice.
"So? This fucker is all nice and cushy. I'll deal with a five-year-old having the wrong idea if it means I can sleep on a fucking cloud."
Cole laughed and shook his head. "You're still just as fucking crazy as you were in high school, you know that?"
Syd grinned. "Yup, and you like it that way."
Cole nodded. He had to admit, Syd's craziness was what often made it easy to get through the harder times during high school. He was always the one Cole could count on if he needed someone to talk to or joke around with; the same one who he would go to when he had broken up with a girl or one had rejected him. They would spend the night talking shit about the girl until Cole felt better. "You're right. I wouldn't have you any other way," he said, hoping the double meaning of his statement would not fall on deaf ears.
Syd smiled as though he understood perfectly well what Cole was really trying to say.
Chapter Seven
Cole made his way downstairs, scratching the back of his head. Walking into the kitchen, he acknowledged Syd with a yawn when he peered up from reading the newspaper.
"Morning," Syd said quietly.
"Mmm," Cole mumbled. He made a cup of coffee and sat at the table.
"Rough night last night?"
Cole sipped his coffee and closed his eyes as he nodded. "Bad dream. Kept me up for a couple of hours." He rested his elbows on the table.
"Anything you wanna share?"
"Where is everyone?"
Syd cocked an eyebrow. "Okay, did you purposely avoid my question with another question just now?"
Cole shook his head. "No. I don't want to talk about it if Kaity is here."
"Oh. Kaity and your parents went into town to get a tree. They should be back later."
Syd folded the paper neatly and slid it to the center of the table. "So, tell me about the dream."
Cole took a deep breath. "It was a replay of the accident. I have the same dream every time. I'm trying to get to Kelsi before the car slips under the surface of the water, but no matter how hard I paddle, I just can't get to her. It's like it wasn't enough for me to actually be there and watch my wife drown in real life, no, I have to relive it through my dreams." He took a long drink of his coffee.
"Have you ever gone to see someone about that?"
"What? Like a shrink?"
Syd nodded and grabbed his coffee mug.
"Yeah, I did for awhile. I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want that stigma of being cuckoo. She kept telling me that it was my subconscious's way of dealing with the events of that night." Cole was eager to change the subject, not wanting to talk about the night his wife passed any further. He saw the toy ad sitting to one side of the newspaper. "You ready for our shopping trip?"
Syd glanced at the ad. "Yeah. I have a few things in mind that I'd like to get Kaity, if it's okay with you."
"So long as it's not anything that she can burn the house down with."
Syd chuckled. "Okay, so that would be a no on the chemistry set then?"
Cole snickered and stood, grabbing his coffee. "That's a huge fuckin' hell no. I'm just gonna go get dressed and we can head out."
"All right. Take your time," Syd grabbed the toy ad.
* * * *
The toy store at Christmas is most parents' worst nightmare, but it was one they endure to get their kids the newest, hottest, most-wanted toys of the year and Cole was no different. He spoiled Kaity to a fault, but being that she was his little girl, anything she wanted within reason would be hers.
Syd and Cole walked slowly toward the entrance, watching as parents hurried into and out of the store. They chuckled when they saw two women get into a fight over a parking space but continued into the building.
"You're sure you wanna do this?" Syd asked.
"Yeah. I should have done it when I got the dream house, but for whatever reason, I didn't think about it. C'mon. The sooner we find what we want, the sooner we get the hell out of here." Cole grabbed a cart and they headed into the fray. The longer they were in the store, the more frustrated he got, while trying his damnedest to avoid any little kids running around without a parent.
Syd hurried along beside him, eyeing the different toys along their way to the Barbie section. "And how the fuck do you plan to make this fun? From what I can tell, there is nothing but torture as far as the eye can see."
Cole noticed the apprehension on Syd's face as he scrutinized the people around them. He grabbed something from one of the shelves as they passed by. "Syd, you're a kindergarten teacher, for Christ's sake. How can you be this freaked by a bunch of little kids?"
"Yeah, well, it's not the kids I'm worried about… it's the parents."
Cole nodded and grinned mischievously. "Hey, Syd?"
Syd turned and gasped when Cole sprayed him with hot pink Silly String. "Geez…what are you? Fucking twelve?" he laughed out.
"Nope, but dammit, stop fucking worrying and get your ass shopping."
They heard the sound of someone clearing their throat and turned slowly to find an older man giving them a stern look while pushing his glasses up onto his nose.
Cole cleared his own throat, recapped the can, and tossed it into the cart. "I fully plan on paying for this." He and Syd quickly walked away.
"This shit better not ruin my clothes, Cole. I'll beat your ass if it does."
Cole only grinned and glanced back at his friend as he pulled clumps and strings of the Styrofoam-like substance from his clothing and hair. "Ya know, I may like you beating my ass. You might wanna think of something else to do to punish me if your clothes are ruined." He turned down an aisle and opened his eyes wide at the sea of pink boxes.
Syd walked up beside him, his face mirroring Cole's. "I feel like I jumped into a bottle of Pepto-Bismol," he said as he studied the variety of little dolls. "Do you have any specific ones you want to get?"
Cole shook his head. "No, just grab like three of them and let's get the hell out of here. I feel the testosterone being sucked from my body the longer I stay on this aisle."
Syd obliged, grabbing three different boxes and scrutinized their different appearances before tossing them into the cart. "How do you tolerate playing dolls with Kaity if you can't even stand to be in the doll aisle?" he asked as they quickly left the section behind.
"It's not the same thing, man. You'd have to play dolls with her to understand. Hey…"
Syd turned quickly, fixing Cole with a glare that could kill. "Don't even fucking think about it, Nichols. There is no way in hell I am going to play dolls with you and Kaity."
Cole shrugged. "That's fine, Let's see how immune you are to the eyes. You think mine are bad, wait 'til she gets ahold of you."
He chuckled as Syd pulled various toys from the shelves as they walked through the store.
* * * *
Waiting until well after Kaity was in bed, Cole and Syd unloaded the presents from Cole's car.
Syd admired the full moon briefly. "Is there a reason why we're bringing all this stuff in now?" He took two more bags from the car.
"Because if we bring everything in while Kaity's awake, we might as well just give her all of it and have nothing for her under the tree."
"There's no need to be snippy."
Cole rolled his eyes. "I'm not being snippy. I'm—matter-of-fact."
Syd nodded. "Matter-of-fact, meaning snippy." He chuckled as they carried their items across the yard to the cabin.
"Fuck you," Cole said with a laugh.
"Only if you let me videotape it."
Cole turned as they reached the side d
oor of the garage. "Does anyone even use videotape anymore? I thought everything was digital."
"You really are a smart-ass, aren't you?"
Cole grinned as he opened the door.
"Now I know where Kaity gets it from."
"I would flip you off right now, but my hands are full."
"Yeah, well, you'd get one right back if not for the same reason."
Both men laughed as Syd kicked the door closed. Hurriedly, they set the box down and went back to the car to get the bags and smaller items still inside. Rushing into the cabin, Cole and Syd relished the warmth. They cupped their hands over their mouths and breathed hot air into them in an attempt to take the chill from their fingers.
While Cole's parents were watching television downstairs, he and Syd went up to their room to leave the bags since his mother had designated their room as the one where she would be wrapping gifts. Cole opened the closet door and flipped the light switch on. His eyes opened wide when he saw all the packages sitting on shelves and on the floor.
"Should we peek in the bags?" Cole asked, shuffling toward a large white bag sitting in the center of the room.
"No. Don't you like being surprised on Christmas?"
Cole raised an eyebrow. "If it means the new love of my life sitting under the tree on Christmas, then yes. Otherwise, I couldn't care less." He made a move to grab one of the many bags, but Syd grabbed him and held his arms closely to his sides.
"Don't even think about it. Christmas is a couple days away. You can wait," Syd said sternly.
Cole's breath hitched slightly and he blushed in embarrassment at the way Syd spoke to him. He shook loose from his grip and smoothed his shirt and jacket. "Fine. I'll wait." He opened the door and quickly walked from the room.
Chapter Eight
Cole sat up in his bed, not sure what had awakened him so suddenly in the middle of the night. He frowned and began to lie back until he heard Kaity yelling in her room.
"Mommy! Mommy! Don't leave me! Come back!" she shouted repeatedly.
Hearing Kaity calling out for her mother cut Cole to the quick. It wasn't often she had dreams or nightmares about her mom leaving, but when she did, it always upset Cole. His heart raced as he threw back the covers and got up. As he hurried down the hall, he felt as though he couldn't get there fast enough. He wanted to soothe his daughter, to tell her she was fine and it was just a dream. He needed to take away the hurt of her mom being gone, if only for a few moments.
He knocked softly on the door."Kaity? Sweetheart?" He spoke in quiet tones so he wouldn't wake the rest of the house.
"Daddy," Kaity said, her voice thick with distress.
Cole opened the door and found her curled in a tiny ball in the corner. He walked over and wrapped his arms around her, lifting her with no trouble. "Are you alright, sweetheart?"
She shook her head as he sat on the window seat, adjusting her so they were comfortable. He kissed her head and rocked her gently. "Daddy's here. I'm not going to let anything happen to you. I promise," he said as Kaity knotted her little hands in his T-shirt. Gradually, her sobs turned into soft hiccups and sniffles. Cole put his head back against the window and blinked back the tears forming in his eyes.
His heart ached for his daughter. He knew the pain she was feeling because he felt it himself. He remembered all the nights he'd questioned God about why he decided it was time to take Kelsi from him. Why Kaity had to grow up without her mother. How was he supposed to go on when the first person he'd loved more than himself was gone? Kaity would never have her mother teach her about putting on make-up or how to walk in high heels. Of course Cole could do those things, but he'd always felt they were moments, memories, Kaity should be making with her mother.
"I love you, Kaity," he whispered.
"I love you too, Daddy."
Cole stood and went to the bed. He set Kaity down, covered her up, and lay beside her. "Do you want to talk about your dream?"
She shook her head furiously.
"Okay. How 'bout I just lay here until you fall back asleep?"
She only nodded.
Cole smiled and began humming a tune he knew would calm her enough so she would go back to sleep. He saw the door open slightly and smiled when Syd poked his head in. He inclined his head in acknowledgement and received the same gesture in return before Syd disappeared from the doorway.
* * * *
With a heavy sigh, Cole pulled Kaity's door closed and rested his head on the wood as he sniffled quietly. He went to his room and was startled to see Syd lying in his bed. "Um, why the fuck are you in my bed?"
"I told you I was gonna sneak in here one night and sleep with you." Syd wiggled down under the covers a little more. "Is Kaity all right?"
Cole sat beside Syd and put his head in his hands. "Yeah, she's fine. Nightmare." He lay down and covered up.
"Are you all right?" When Cole didn't reply, Syd continued. "Okay, if you're nodding or shaking your head, I can't see in the dark. I don't have that superpower… yet."
Cole laughed as tears began sliding from the corners of his eyes.
"Cole, talk to me," Syd began as he shifted closer to him and wrapped his arms around him. "I don't like seeing you like this."
Cole turned to face his friend and rested his head beneath Syd's chin as he continued to weep. "I feel so fucking broken," he said quietly. "I don't know what to do. I'm just going through the motions, making everyone think that I'm doing fine, when the truth is… I'm not." His body shuddered with the strength of his sobs. "I'm not fucking fine!"
Syd kissed his head and inhaled deeply. "You aren't broken, Cole. You're fractured. If you were broken, you wouldn't even be able to function on any level, but you do. You get up in the morning, you take care of Kaity, you're a great friend…"
Cole raised his head. "Then why the fuck do I feel like I do when I see Kaity suffering?"
Syd wiped the tears from Cole's cheeks. "Because you're a parent. Because you haven't allowed yourself to move on yet. I know it's cliché, but do you really think Kelsi would want you to stop living because she's gone?"
"No…"
"Then why are you doing this to yourself? You've closed your heart off from feeling love."
"I don't want to be hurt again. I don't think I could withstand losing someone I love again."
Syd shrugged. "It's a risk you'll have to take, Cole. Life isn't filled with guarantees. If it was, what's left to live for?"
Without giving it a second thought, Cole leaned over and pressed his lips to Syd's. He closed his eyes as he ran his tongue along Syd's bottom lip. He gasped when Syd pulled away suddenly.
"Cole… you… we can't do this. Not now…"
"But why not?" Cole frowned in the dark.
"You're hurting. You don't really want to do this and I… I would hate for you to regret doing something with me or, God forbid, you blame me in the morning for taking advantage of the situation."
Cole pushed his face closer to Syd's. "But I want this. I know what I'm doing. Please?" he whispered.
"I can't. Anything you want to do now, if the feelings are there when you aren't upset, can wait."
Cole rolled away, trying to pull his arms from around his waist, but failing miserably.
"Don't turn away from me in anger, Cole." Syd delicately placed a kiss to the back of Cole's neck.
Cole exhaled deeply at the sensation and began to grow calm. Slowly, he reached down and placed his hand over Syd's, lacing their fingers together. "I'm sorry."
"No need to be sorry. Under other circumstances, I would not only be flattered, but I would be taking you up on the offer."
Cole laughed and turned his body into Syd's, smiling at the closeness and the feeling of security he found there.
Chapter Nine
Cole woke up alone the following morning and grabbed the pillow Syd had slept on. He snuggled it, inhaling deeply of Syd's scent left on the material. He closed his eyes and hummed contentedly, squeezing the pillow tigh
ter. He opened his eyes when he heard Kaity singing. He turned loose the pillow and got up, intent on investigating where the singing was coming from. As he walked down the hall, his smile grew.
Cole paused in the doorway and grinned at Kaity and Syd standing in front of the bathroom mirror, hairbrushes in hand as the two of them sang along to the Mariah Carey Christmas song playing on the small radio hanging from the shower head. He stifled a laugh and clapped when the song ended.
Startled, Syd fumbled with the hairbrush until it fell into the sink. He turned as a deep scarlet blush covered his face.
"I didn't think you had it in you, man," Cole said as Kaity ran over to him giggling and hugged his leg.
"Morning, Daddy." She pulled away, peering up at him.
"Morning, sweetheart." Cole bent down and kissed her cheek. "Did you sleep well after I left?"
"Yeah," she replied with a nod. "I'm gonna see if Gramma is awake yet." She ran from the room.
Cole turned his attention to Syd and raised an eyebrow.
"What?" Syd asked as he took the brush out of the sink and set it on the counter. He grabbed his toothbrush.
"You don't have to get up with Kaity, you know? I can do it."
Syd watched Cole walk into the room and sit on the edge of the bathtub. "I'm sure you can, but I don't mind."
Cole dropped his gaze to the tiled floor. "About last night…" he said softly, peering up at his friend.
Syd shrugged. "There's nothing to say about it, Cole." He sat on the toilet and studied him.
"But there is."
"Then by all means…"
Cole took a deep breath and licked his lips. "For the first time in three years, I felt something last night. I knew what I was doing and I wanted to. Nothing would have made me regret having been intimate with you in any way, Syd. Yes, I was hurting, but I wasn't so blinded by the pain that I didn't know what was going on."
"I couldn't take the chance that it was a mistake. Your friendship means more to me than almost anything else. Fuck, it should after thirteen years. I would never forgive myself if I let anything happen to it."
Fractured Heart Page 4