Looking for Eagles

by Savannah Swan

  But underneath that, she still looked damn good. Her features had sharpened with age, and she looked a lot like the toned, model-esque women who frequented bars in this area. Her blonde hair was perfectly coiffed, and her clothes looked expensive, with carefully tailored details. And her smile still quirked in that way Maggie remembered, even if it was doused with cynicism and apathy.

  What the hell had happened to Jena?

  “So, uh, what brings you to Philly?” Maggie asked, figuring it was a safe question.

  “Work,” said Jena. “My job wants me to finish up a short contract here. We’re based in Austin, Texas.”

  “Ah,” said Maggie. “I guess I should introduce you to my friends—Ana, Drew, and Reagan. This is Jena, an old friend of mine from high school.”

  They politely greeted each other. Of course, Maggie’s friends knew all about Jena.

  “It’s nice to meet you,” said Ana, smiling. “We’ve heard so much.”

  “I hope it was all good,” said Jena, turning that suave smile toward her.

  “It was.”

  “And what about you, Maggie? Still in Philadelphia?”

  Maggie shrugged. “I applied to jobs up and down the East Coast and the four of us ended up here somehow. We’re friends from college,” she explained.

  “So it’s just luck we found each other, then?” asked Jena.

  “Yeah, I guess so,” said Maggie, still dazed. She had no idea how to handle this situation. Thankfully, Ana and Reagan were fairly outgoing and could carry the conversation for her, and it looked like they would, since they’d noticed how stunned she was.

  “How’s life in Austin?” asked Ana. “I heard there’s a great art and music scene.”

  “It’s all right,” said Jena. “There is a lot of cool art and music, but I don’t get out much. Work, you know. It’s pretty demanding.”

  Maggie wished she’d had more to drink. This was pretty awkward. She had no idea what to say to Jena, and she almost wished she was alone with her, because then maybe she could ask why Jena had dropped off the face of the fucking planet.

  Maggie looked away, surprised by the anger rising in her. Maybe it was misplaced anger toward Callie, still. But no. Maggie had been irritated—more than irritated, downright heartbroken—when Jena had failed to get back in touch with her. It had been a pretty fucked up thing to do to your best friend and partner, even if they had just been high schoolers.

  But that was a conversation for another time. Now that Maggie knew Jena was in Philadelphia, she could pick her brain later.

  “Hey, you wanna come with me and get another round?” asked Jena.

  Nope—she’d just gone for it. She wanted to get Maggie alone. And that was fine with Maggie. Her friends would completely understand. She threw them a glance with raised eyebrows when she got up to follow Jena to the bar.

  There were several empty seats here, so they sat down and got a couple more drinks. Maggie felt a shiver go through her body. This experience was so surreal. In fact, it was almost too much to deal with in the aftermath of the break up.

  “So…” said Maggie, wanting to cut to the chase, “what exactly happened after you graduated high school? I tried contacting you, but I couldn’t reach you.”

  Jena’s smile was bitter. “My parents kicked me out. They fucking did it.”

  “What?” Maggie couldn’t believe what she’d heard. She knew Jena’s parents were shitty, but…

  “Yeah. I came out to them in my senior year of high school. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea. Maybe I just felt like being defiant, after years of hearing them say shit about gay people. But I did, and they kicked me out. They said it was because I’d turned eighteen, but I don’t believe that.” Jena sighed.

  “I wouldn’t either,” said Maggie, fighting the urge to comfort Jena by touching her arm. Maybe Reagan’s touchy-feeliness was rubbing off on her, or maybe she just found Jena attractive. Probably both.

  “I stayed with a friend and somehow finished high school. Then I went to college, since I was going anyway, and well, I built myself a life that’s all right,” said Jena. “I feel bad that I didn’t get back to you, but things were difficult for a while. I almost spent that semester homeless.” She laughed harshly.

  “Don’t even worry about it,” said Maggie, stunned. “I had no idea. Of course you couldn’t have written back.”

  “Anyway, I’m here now. After, what has it been, seventeen years?”

  “Yeah.” Maggie shook her head. “It’s like we’re strangers. But not…”

  “That’s how I feel, too. What have you been up to?”

  “Well, I’ve been in Philadelphia since well, forever. I went to Penn. I have a house and good friends. And I have a good job,” started Maggie.

  “Man, you have all the puzzle pieces,” said Jena. “There’s just one missing…”

  “Right. Callie. She actually broke off the engagement last week.”

  Now it was Jena’s turn to be shocked. Her eyes widened. “Shit, I’m sorry to hear that.”

  Maggie shrugged. “I mean, I’ll get over it. I hope.”

  “You will,” insisted Jena. “You were always more… emotionally resilient.”

  “Me? No way. I was a total crybaby. You were the one who was so stoic,” said Maggie. “And it’s not like I ever had any real problems.”

  “I guess I had to be, with parents like that. And no siblings or friends…”

  The conversation was veering into depressing territory, and Maggie didn’t want that. Even though she wanted to catch up fully, she didn’t want her first meeting with her beloved old friend—partner—to start off on a negative vibe.

  “So how have you been enjoying Philly?” she asked. “Have you had a chance to explore and sightsee?”

  “Yeah! There’s so much cool stuff here. All the museums, the shops… And so many new restaurants and bars,” said Jena, perking up a little.

  Maggie congratulated herself internally for successfully redirecting the conversation. “So you like to go out?”

  “Definitely. Like I said back at the table, I work too much in Austin. Being here, I’ve been able to take more of a break.”

  “That’s good,” said Maggie. “Can’t spend your whole life working, you know.”

  Jena huffed. “I mean, I go on dates, I guess.”

  “Meet anyone special here?” asked Maggie, glad to hear Jena wasn’t isolating herself as much as it sounded like she was.

  “Um, not really,” said Jena, looking away and shifting uncomfortably.

  “Oh, that’s too bad. There’s a good lesbian scene here,” said Maggie. “You can find someone if you want to. Though I guess you don’t want to, since you’ll be heading back eventually.”

  “Right. I mean, most of my dates are casual encounters,” said Jena.

  Maggie suddenly understood. Somehow, she’d pieced together a picture of what she imagined Jena’s life to be like, and it was all coming together with this final detail.

  Maggie wasn’t happy because she’d been dumped. But otherwise, she had a lot going for her. On paper, it seemed like Jena did, too. But Maggie could see underneath the surface. Getting kicked out of your house at age eighteen didn’t exactly start a young adult off on the right foot.

  “I see,” she said diplomatically, refraining from going on a lecture. But she was sorely tempted. She could easily spot when other people used casual sex in a way that only harmed themselves, because she’d done it herself. Of course, plenty of people had casual sex for the right reasons. But it wasn’t always as empowering as people thought, in Maggie’s mind.

  “I think I need another smoke,” said Jena, draining her glass and setting it down on the counter. “You want to walk outside with me?”

  “Sure,” said Maggie, though she privately didn’t want to spend time around the smoke. That was another clue to Jena’s mental state. Maggie had bummed the occasional cigarette from people when she was younger, and they’d st
olen cigarettes with the other kids at camp, but when you smoked like this… There had to be something else to it.

  They walked out to the back. Maggie loved how this area looked in warmer weather; it was like an endless party, with the tropical plants and fairy lights and free-flowing drinks. But now it was dreary. The pots were empty and the lights hung drably from the worn trellis.

  They sat down at a table, next to each other on the bench, and Jena leaned back, cigarette in hand. The wind had died down somewhat, though it was still quite cold, so the smoke didn’t blow into Maggie’s face.

  But if she wasn’t mistaken, Jena was sitting pretty close to her. Closer than a stranger—because that was basically what she was—should.

  What was up with that?

  Maggie didn’t try to move away. She didn’t want to. Despite the weirdness of finding this new version of her old best friend, she couldn’t help but feel attracted to her. Underneath the smell of the cold and smoke, Maggie could smell Jena’s perfume. Was she always this put together? It felt like a façade.

  But the feeling of warmth against her thigh was genuine. Maggie couldn’t tell whether she was into it or whether it spooked her. She didn’t feel ready to get physical with anyone after having devoted herself to Callie for so long. But this was Jena, her first love. It would be okay to do something with her, right?

  Man, where had that train of thought come from? Maggie needed to get a hold of herself before she did something stupid.

  5

  Jena

  “Shit, I think I need another cigarette,” said Jena, sliding one out of the pack. They were ridiculously expensive in the city, but it didn’t matter. This was a special occasion.

  “Can I have a bit of that?” asked Maggie.

  “What?”

  “Just a puff.”

  Jena was hesitant. “I saw the way you looked at the pack earlier.”

  “Like I wanted one?”

  “No, like you thought it was gross I was smoking.” Jena instantly regretted the harshness in her tone.

  “I don’t care if you smoke,” said Maggie, even though Jena knew she was lying. “I just… This reminds me of the cigarettes we used to sneak at camp.”

  “Oh,” said Jena. She lit the cigarette and handed it to Maggie. “I mean, for old time’s sake…”

  “This is as good as I remember,” said Maggie, though she ended up coughing.

  “Take it easy,” said Jena, taking the cigarette back.

  “I guess I’m out of practice.”

  They took turns passing the cigarette back and forth, warmed by the smoke and the nicotine and their increasing drunkenness. Jena felt comfortable—more at peace than she had in a long time. It was just something about Maggie. She was so easygoing. And maybe, because they’d known each other as kids, Jena felt like she could loosen up around her.

  Which was weird, because they were strangers, after all.

  But could you really consider someone a stranger if they made you feel like this? Jena could feel something deep inside herself blossom. She didn’t know what it was, but she knew she’d never felt it before—especially not with any one of those hook ups she’d taken to bed.

  The door to the back area creaked open and they looked up to see the purple-haired lady step toward them. “Hey!” she called out. “I just wanted to let you guys know we’re heading to Drew’s place to play video games. You’re welcome to come, of course, Jena.”

  “That’s very kind of you,” said Jena. She turned to Maggie.

  “We can stay here if you like,” said Maggie quickly. Jena appreciated that she’d given her an out, especially since she really wasn’t keen on spending time with Maggie’s friends at one of their homes. The thought made her anxious.

  “Well, let us know if you change your minds,” said the lady, smiling. She waved and slipped back inside the bar.

  “She seems nice,” said Jena sincerely. Maybe she’d get to know Maggie’s friends another time, when she felt less intimidated. She actually found herself wanting to learn more about Maggie’s life, familiarize herself with the woman she’d become.

  “Ana’s awesome,” said Maggie. “The four of us have been through a lot together.”

  “Yeah?” asked Jena, wishing she had people about whom she could say the same. Maggie clearly had a lot of love in her life.

  And where would Jena fit in, if it was already so full?

  A light dusting of snow—barely a flurry—started to fall, but the two friends didn’t move an inch.

  “Yeah,” said Maggie. “I mean, your twenties are a weird time, and they helped me get through it. We all helped each other get through it. It looks like we’re mostly settled, now. Well, except me. Marrying Callie was going to be the next step.”

  “I see,” said Jena. “But you have a lot going for you. You know, not everyone has friends like yours.”

  “You think?” Maggie seemed genuinely surprised to hear this.

  “Oh, absolutely,” said Jena. “I mean, I don’t.”

  “No?” Maggie frowned.

  “I mean, I have coworkers I go for drinks with, but not actual friends…” Jena felt embarrassed even as she said it. What kind of a sad excuse for a human didn’t have a single friend?

  “Oh.” Maggie looked down. “That’s tough.”

  Jena shrugged. “I’ve been a loner ever since my parents kicked me out. I’m used to it.”

  “But I guess you find people to date? Or hook up with?” asked Maggie. “That can’t give you the kind of intimacy you’re looking for.”

  “I know.” Jena sighed. She didn’t like to be reminded of all this, because she already thought about it all the damn time.

  However, she’d almost completely forgotten about the girl she’d been pursuing earlier, and when she remembered, it seemed like something from last week. Now, all that existed was the fact that Maggie was sitting right next to her.

  Jena wanted to hook up with Maggie. Her body was so used to interacting with other good-looking people sexually that these were the thoughts crowding her mind. The ickiness she’d felt earlier returned, and she was even a little ashamed that she was thinking about her old friend like that, despite the fact that they did have history.

  It was almost like Jena’s brain, now used to only casual encounters, was trying to reduce her interest in Maggie to just sex, which was not true at all. Sure, Jena wanted to have sex with her—but also much more than that.

  And with that thought, Jena realized that this was the first time she was interested in a woman beyond the transactional act of a one night stand.

  Maybe she could kiss Maggie. Take it slow for once. But the poor woman had just been dumped—by her fiancée, of all people. Jena couldn’t jerk her around like that.

  Damn, she had to keep her thoughts under control. But it turned out she needn’t have worried, because apparently Maggie was struggling with something similar.

  “It’s so weird to be sitting so close to you again,” Maggie said, almost like an afterthought. Maybe the alcohol had gotten to her, but then, Maggie had always been pretty open about her feelings. “It’s like old times.”

  “Yeah,” said Jena, unsure of what else to say. There was no way she was going to broach the topic of their past relationship and obvious current attraction to each other, but it was the elephant sitting across the table from them.

  “We should hang out, obviously,” continued Maggie, “now that we know we’re in the same city. It’ll be nice to reconnect.”

  “I’d like that,” agreed Jena. “I just don’t know…”

  “Don’t know what?”

  “If you’ll… see me the same way.”

  “Well, we’re grown up and different people, right? So why would we see each other the same way we used to?”

  “I didn’t mean like that.” Jena had no idea, actually, how to put what she was thinking into words. But she decided to try. “I just meant that my life is kind of a mess compared to yours… Being aroun
d you again makes me want to be a better person, just like it did back in high school. But I’m not sure if I can make that change now.”

  When Maggie looked at her, her expression was stricken. “Anyone can always make that change. You can always choose to be different.”

  Jena snorted a laugh. “You sure about that? I’m not. I feel very stuck.”

  “Then there’s no place like a new city to get you out of a rut, huh?” Maggie smiled.

  “There you go with your relentless optimism.” It was admirable, but Jena remembered that she found it annoying at times, as if Maggie wasn’t fully aware of all aspects of a situation. It wasn’t like everything could get better. Some things just didn’t—like the situation with Jena’s parents—and you had to accept that.

  Maggie shrugged. “I mean, it’s true. And it’s crazy that we ran into each other again. This could be… it could be a new beginning.”

  “It could,” said Jena cautiously. She didn’t want to assume that she and Maggie would get along so well. After all, what had happened in both their lives in the past two decades? It was an absurdly long time to go without seeing someone.

  Granted, Jena had stalked Maggie on Facebook and found out all she could. But she also recognized that social media only presented one aspect of a person’s life. There was a lot that could be hidden underneath the surface.

  “We’ll just have to find out, won’t we?” Maggie smiled and nudged her old friend playfully.

  Jena felt a sense of peace settling over her chest like the fresh snow that was powdering the table. Maggie was right. Whatever happened, the potential of what could happen between them was enough for now. It felt good, like Jena had hope for happiness and intimacy for the first time in a long time—possibly since she had last seen Maggie.

  And that, in itself, was more precious than anything else.

  “I’ll be honest right now,” said Jena, her heart pounding. “I want to kiss you. But I won’t. I think my body just can’t handle being around a gorgeous girl without making a move on her.” She laughed, pathetically, she thought.

  “Well, as hot as you’ve grown to be, I can’t kiss anyone right now,” said Maggie, laughing a little.