Looking for Eagles

by Savannah Swan

  She shook her head. There was just too much to sort out in the present, and too much being dredged up by Jena’s reappearance. Maggie needed space to think, though she doubted she was going to get it. Jena only had a couple of months in Philly, and Maggie knew she was going to have to make those months count.

  Just like they’d made those fleeting summer months count so many years ago.

  In any case, she’d agreed to meet Ana and her girlfriend for brunch, so she needed to get going. While she loved Ana and was quite fond of Imani, the thought of spending time with a happy couple stung. And Ana, being polyamorous, was part of not one, but three happy couples. The woman was too lucky. Maggie envied people like her who could form connections with other people with no effort. Even though it was easy for Maggie to make friends, love didn’t come so easily.

  She rolled out of bed and wove her way through piles of dirty laundry and other random crap to her bathroom. The house had been in disarray since Callie had moved out. Maggie had been too depressed to clean much.

  But she knew that taking care of herself by brushing her teeth and showering was important, even if it was the last thing she wanted to do. So she went through the motions, glad that she did feel better with minty teeth.

  When she stepped into the shower and turned the hot water on, she felt amazing. That was the problem. She never wanted to go to the effort of taking a shower, but once she did, she felt so much better.

  And she couldn’t help but think of Jena. Of course she’d end up thinking about Jena. It was just confusing to be sexually faithful to one woman for so many years and then start thinking about someone else like that. But she did it anyway, because she couldn’t help it.

  Jena’s hair was healthy-looking and thick, perfect for running her fingers through, and her lips were full and sensual, just like Maggie had always remembered them. And her eyes… When they’d first met, Maggie had sensed the depth in Jena, and her eyes were where it became most obvious. They were sky blue, and the longer you kept looking into them, the more like an abyss they got.

  Just thinking about those luminous eyes was enough to get Maggie tingling.

  And when she got aroused in the shower, she usually found it difficult to leave unless she did something about it. So her hand snaked down and found her clit, and she stroked herself vigorously because she needed to release this tension before actually entering the Real World and dealing with Real People.

  The fantasy of Jena in her mind was too intoxicating. How was it possible that she was not only in Philadelphia, but also incredibly sexy? She’d been a good-looking kid, but damn, it was like the woman did nothing but work out and take care of herself in her free time.

  Maggie moaned as she came, pressing her side against the cool tiled walls of the shower and shuddering as the release flowed through her. It hadn’t even been a particularly pleasurable orgasm. She’d just needed to let the tension go.

  But even though she felt more clearheaded now, the fact that she’d masturbated to the thought of Jena was going to accelerate her further toward a certain direction. She knew she’d touch herself again, soon, thinking of the same thing.

  She checked her watch and realized she needed to go if she wanted to be on time. She quickly toweled off and ordered an Uber, then pulled on her clothes, checked her reflection quickly, and went downstairs to wait in the living room.

  It was a short ride to the brunch place, and when she arrived, Ana and Imani, always punctual, were sitting and being lovey-dovey with each other. Imani pressed her lips to Ana’s cheek and smiled like a schoolgirl, her eyes sparkling. And Ana looked just as delighted to be in the company of her girlfriend.

  When they spotted her approaching the table, they pulled away conspicuously. Maggie sighed.

  “Hey, honey,” said Imani, covering Maggie’s hand with hers.

  “Hey,” said Maggie, who felt warmly toward Imani. She was the perfect counterpart to Ana’s own caring nature. When they were together, and they shone the spotlight of their caring on Maggie, she felt like she was in a warm, soft nest.

  Rather like now. She was glad she’d managed to drag herself out of bed to come see them.

  “How are you hanging in there?” asked Imani.

  This was only the second time she’d seen her since the break up. And of course, she’d just met Jena last night. In the past twenty-four hours, Maggie felt like she’d undergone a subtle, but powerful transformation. The new presence of Jena in her life had shaken the foundation of how she thought about… everything.

  “I mean, I’m still feeling shitty,” started Maggie, wondering how she could concisely explain the tectonic shift Jena had brought. Imani didn’t know about her. “But I met someone last night.”

  “Oh, yeah,” said Ana. “How’d that go?”

  “So, to get you up to speed, Imani, I basically had a girlfriend in middle school and high school. Except we only saw each other during the summers,” said Maggie. “After the last summer of camp, I never heard from her again. And then she walked into the Eagle’s Nest last night.”

  Imani’s eyebrow rose. “That’s… a miracle.”

  “Sure feels like it,” said Maggie. “So I’m feeling confused. Definitely still broken up over Callie, but Jena meant so much to me, and she’s so different now, twenty years older, that there’s too much going on in my brain.”

  “I can imagine.” Imani rested her chin on her knuckles and gazed at Maggie, as if settling in for a story.

  “Did you guys have a good talk? Was it super awkward?” asked Ana. “You looked like you were doing well.”

  “It went great. All the emotional intimacy is still there, which is crazy!” said Maggie. “After getting the small talk out of the way, we got into some really meaty stuff.”

  “Really?” Ana actually looked surprised.

  “We basically discussed the fact that our feelings for each other had never changed,” said Maggie.

  “Wow.” Ana stared at Maggie in wonder. “How can you meet someone for the first time in twenty years and launch right into a discussion like that?”

  “I don’t know! That’s just how it is with Jena. How it always was.” Maggie leaned back in her seat and let out a sigh. “This is a testament to how comfortable we used to be with each other.”

  “You’ve clearly found something very precious with her,” observed Imani.

  “Right, and I don’t want to fuck it up.”

  “But how would you fuck it up? If the bond you have is that strong, I think you’ll be able to forgive each other some missteps along the way,” said Imani.

  “You think?”

  “Que sera, sera,” said Ana. “If you guys are meant to be together, then it’ll happen.”

  “You know I don’t believe in fate,” said Maggie.

  “But you do believe in God. I mean, isn’t this evidence that someone, or something, is nudging things in a certain direction?” Ana smiled mischievously.

  “I did think about that,” admitted Maggie.

  “The thing is, you’re fairly passive in your relationships. With Callie, it was she who was pursuing you the whole time. She even proposed. Maybe if you take on more agency, and be the pursuer this time, you’ll have better luck. You’ll be able to show Jena you want this relationship on your own terms,” said Ana. “I mean, I assume you told her about Callie.”

  “Yeah, I explained why things were complicated.”

  “So take it slow, ask her if she wants to hang out, kiss her, do what you want,” said Ana.

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  “Love shouldn’t be that hard,” said Imani. “When two people are meant to be together, things fall into place when you start taking action.”

  “I guess so,” said Maggie, unconvinced. Her friends could only offer platitudes like this, she knew. But she also knew Ana was right about how passive she’d been with Callie. This was a chance for her to be someone a little different, someone who was more willing to work for the kin
d of life she wanted.

  “If you guys really want to be with each other, you’ll make it happen, is what she means,” said Ana with a laugh.

  At least their advice was solid. If Maggie wanted something to happen with Jena, she had to do it herself. She couldn’t wait around for Jena to do something, not when she already knew what she wanted. She wanted a relationship with Jena, even if it was slow-paced at first.

  Now she just had to figure out what she had to do to make it happen.

  8

  Jena

  “So… You’re saying you don’t want to work with them because they don’t have a non-discrimination policy on their HR website?” Allen looked incredulous.

  “Um, yeah,” said Tim, withdrawing a little. He stepped back. “I mean, is that too much to ask?”

  “The other company will save us a couple hundred dollars, though,” said Allen. “And I’m not seeing any kind of policy on our own website that says who we have to work with.”

  “It’s not about the company, Allen, it’s about whether we’re ethical people. We have to make the right decisions,” insisted Tim, though it was obvious he was losing steam. He always lost in the end, which wasn’t surprising, considering Allen was his manager.

  Jena felt bad for him. The earnest young man needed to be working somewhere that was a little more LGBT-friendly. She made a mental note to talk with Tim at lunch, because Allen’s stubbornness would leave him despondent.

  “Well, I don’t think Craig is going to be happy if we waste two hundred dollars, so I’m gonna go ahead and say the first company,” said Allen, “and that’s final.”

  Tim pursed his lips. He knew he couldn’t argue with Craig, and Craig didn’t give a shit what kind of company they worked with.

  Jena would have liked to step in, but it wasn’t her place at all. As a consultant, she had no place to tell the higher ups here which company they should go with for ethical reasons. Poor Tim had taken it upon himself to be the sole person fighting for that—which was admirable, considering it was a company run by old, straight white men. Jena wondered why they’d even hired Tim. He was more than competent, but he clearly didn’t fit in with the company’s culture.

  “Well, that’s that, then,” said Allen finally. “I know you’ve got your social justice agenda, Tim, but this really isn’t the place for it. You can do all that on your own time.”

  Jena felt angry on Tim’s behalf. When you were queer, every place was a place for a “social justice agenda.” Being gay was your fucking life. You couldn’t compartmentalize it like that. But Allen and Craig would never see it that way, and in the end, only their opinions mattered.

  Allen strode away to place the order, while Tim was left staring at the floor, steaming. Jena knew how he felt. She walked over to Tim and placed a tentative hand on his shoulder.

  “Allen’s a dick,” Jena said quietly. “Try not to let it get to you. Wanna take an early lunch?”

  Tim smiled at her brightly. His spirits had improved greatly since Jena had arrived at the company—they’d both come out to each other as soon as their senses had gone off, and she could tell the new college grad saw her as something of an ally.

  “Why are you still working here, anyway?” asked Jena as they walked out of the building and toward the deli across the street.

  “My dad got me this job,” said Tim. “I have to put in at least a year or two before I leave so he doesn’t look bad. I am grateful, because it pays well, but… You can tell it’s not the most pleasant place to work.”

  “You should be proud that you’re even trying,” said Jena. “I probably wouldn’t have. I didn’t have the guts to do it. Most people don’t.”

  “It’s just… it’s my life,” said Tim, echoing her earlier thoughts. “It doesn’t make a difference to them whether we work with a company that discriminates or not.”

  “I know exactly how you feel,” said Jena. “You should get out while you can. I’ve spent way too long in this industry. You spend over forty hours of every week with these people. You need to find people around whom you can be yourself.”

  Tim sighed. “But this is what I want to do.”

  “Is it? Is finance really what you want to do?” asked Jena. “That’s what I thought. I have a nice house in Austin, and a nice life. But I don’t have any friends because I spent all my time around jerks like this. And the people back there… They’re even more overtly anti-gay.”

  “Really?” Tim raised his eyebrows.

  “Really. I can’t even imagine bringing a girlfriend to a work party.” She laughed harshly at the thought. “Nor can I imagine telling them about what kind of music I listen to, or the TV shows I like to watch… And you’re so much younger, you must feel more disconnected.”

  “Yeah, I do,” agreed Tim. “I guess I’ll think about it.”

  “They’ll probably give you a good recommendation, and you can save up some money,” said Jena. “You do have to be smart about it. But don’t make the same mistake I did, spending too long in a job that’s way too lame. Don’t do it.”

  “I won’t.” Tim nodded. “But have you ever thought about changing it from the inside?”

  “I did think that,” said Jena, unsurprised he’d brought it up. “But every small interaction, every day, wears on you. And then you don’t have any energy left to fight. Hey, let me get that for you.”

  She slipped her card out and paid for both of their sandwiches.

  “Thanks,” said Tim. “You didn’t have to.”

  “Don’t worry about it. We have to take care of each other.”

  The rest of the lunch was spent on more lighthearted topics, but Jena found herself wondering why she’d opened up so much to Tim. They’d had similar conversations before, but she’d never spoken so much about herself and what she thought of her career. Maybe it was Maggie’s reappearance in her life. Maybe that was shaking things up.

  And telling Tim all that had made Jena wonder if she should change her job, too. There was no point in spending more time with these assholes who made it difficult for her to be herself. And it wasn’t even like she was a colorful, quirky type, like Maggie’s friends had been. Jena was a perfectly ordinary white, cisgender woman who just happened to be bisexual, leaning heavily toward lesbian. And they couldn’t even accept that.

  It was exhausting to have to hide such a significant part of yourself. Now that Jena was on this train of thought, she even wondered if that had had an influence on why she’d never found a partner. Maybe she’d never bothered to find one because she knew she’d have to bring her to a work party… and that wouldn’t go over well. She’d been letting them think she was a stubborn spinster this whole time.

  But Jena was so used to this field she could do her work in her sleep, and she liked the lifestyle perks it offered—the high pay, the great health insurance, the ability to travel. Then again, those were minimums for any job, right? It wasn’t like she’d never be able to find that again.

  Jena turned the idea over in her head. The thought of finding more fulfilling work was tempting. She’d have to let the idea simmer.

  Even entertaining the idea was making her feel better. At thirty-five, Jena was young enough to figure out what it was she really wanted. She could retire early and enter her forties as the authentic version of herself. She wouldn’t have to repress anything about her life. Who knew what would happen if she gave himself more space just to be queer?

  And that was just the beginning. Was there more she’d discover about herself if she gave herself that space? Would she get a tattoo? Go on an ayahuasca retreat? Take up fencing? Buy a boat and sail around the Caribbean? What kind of things did people do when they were allowed to be themselves?

  Jena wasn’t interested in any of those things, but then, she knew being authentic didn’t require a drastic lifestyle change. For one thing, maybe she could stop wearing pinstripes all the time.

  Her mind whirled with possibilities. There was a whole world out th
ere that she wasn’t living in, which Maggie and her friends clearly were. Even with the plethora of quirky, alternative people in Austin, she’d managed to build a very boring life.

  When she got back to her desk, she checked her email, remembering that she was due for a teleconference with the Austin office. They’d sent her some notes to review, so she skimmed them, her heart not really in her work.

  After skimming the notes, which were incredibly dull, Jena started to feel an itch. Oh, right. She hadn’t gotten a hit of nicotine since morning. That was pretty good, all things considered. But now, she needed it, before she talked to her boss in Austin.

  There was a balcony on this floor where they technically weren’t allowed to smoke, but no one really cared. It beat having to take the elevator all the way down.

  So Jena stepped out, pulling her jacket tightly around her when a gust of icy air blasted her. It got really fucking cold up here, and windy, which made it a less than ideal smoking location. She sat down on a bench and crouched over her cigarette as she attempted to light it. The wind was so strong up here that much of the cigarette would go to waste, but that didn’t matter.

  As soon as she took the first puff, a sense of calm washed over her. But it wasn’t the same kind of sedated calm alcohol brought. It was the calm that happened after the itch was scratched.

  After finishing the cigarette, Jena stepped back inside, slightly embarrassed to be smelling like smoke. She took off her jacket and folded it up under her desk, and spritzed some body spray on herself. That way she wouldn’t smell so smoky.

  There were still fifteen minutes left until the conference began. Jena considered texting Maggie. It was Monday, so it was about time for one of them to make a move. But the thought made Jena nervous, despite the intimacy they’d shared back at the bar. Maggie had made it pretty clear she was in no place for a relationship, which was completely understandable, but it made Jena reluctant to push her.