Looking for Eagles
Page 7
But they weren’t at that point yet. Jena still had to find out what had happened with Maggie’s ex. Maggie seemed a little skittish, looking around the place like she expected the woman to be here. Jena hoped that wasn’t the case. She had no interest in meeting the woman who’d broken Maggie’s heart.
Then again, hadn’t she done the same so many years ago?
“The cider is good,” said Maggie. “Let’s sit down here.”
Even though the place was crowded, there were still seats available at the picnic tables. It looked like most people wanted to be standing to get the full benefit of the tall heat lamps. They sat closely together, and Jena was instantly aware of every millimeter between them.
“So, how’s work been?” asked Maggie.
Jena sighed. “You know, I only recently realized that my industry sucks for gay people. I mean, they say they’re open-minded and all, but when you get to my level, it’s all just old straight dudes making the decisions.”
“Old straight white dudes,” said Maggie.
“Basically,” agreed Jena. “There’s a young gay guy I work with and he’s having a tough time. I’m trying to convince him to quit.” She laughed harshly.
“What about you?” asked Maggie. “You wanna quit?”
“I thought about it,” admitted Jena. “But what would I do? I have no idea. I’d never even let myself think about it before. I’ve just been doing this for so long… And I figured I’d keep doing it until I retired.”
“It sounds kind of oppressive, though. I mean, not in an oppressing LGBT people kind of way, but in a personal way. Like you can’t be yourself or form meaningful relationships with anyone in the office. Are you out at work?”
“No,” said Jena bitterly. “I’m not. And neither is the gay guy I told you about.”
“You’ve been closeted at work for all these years?” Maggie shook her head. “Fuck that. I can’t even imagine.”
“I was going to say, ‘me neither,’ but hey, this is my life. I’ve lived it for a long time and it seems like it’s time to change. Maybe… maybe I can find an opportunity here in Philadelphia.”
Jena wanted to look at Maggie’s face to gauge her reaction, but she continued to stare down at her cider, which was reaching a dangerously low level and becoming a little lukewarm anyway.
“I’ll get us another round,” she said, making to stand up. Why’d she even bring up that suggestion? She’d just blurted it out unthinkingly, just when they were in the middle of what was practically a first date. She was going to scare Maggie away if she wasn’t careful, make the other woman realize she was biting off more than she could chew if she wanted a relationship with Jena, any kind of relationship.
But Maggie put a firm hand on her arm and pulled her back down. “You can’t just say that and scurry off. Come on. Philadelphia’s a great city. If you can stand the weather, I think you’d like it here.”
Jena smiled. Maybe Maggie was just being nice, whereas inside, she was wondering what she’d done to attract such a clingy fucker. It was weird because Jena normally would be described as the opposite of clingy. But there was something magnetic about Maggie.
“You think so?” asked Jena. “I mean, I just blurted that out, it wasn’t a real idea. I was just toying with it.”
“It’s not a bad idea.” Maggie shrugged. “What other careers did you want to do, before you went into finance?”
“Um…” Jena tilted her head, trying to remember. Her parents had pushed responsible careers on her—well, what they considered responsible, anyway—for so long that she’d forgotten her childhood dreams. Tragic. “I guess I like birds, you know? Or well, I used to. And history. The two things my grandpa taught me about. It’d be cool to do something involving those, but I don’t remember the last time I even did any reading on either subject.”
“Adulthood does that, doesn’t it? You forget about what made you excited as a kid. Now’s the perfect time to remember all that again.”
“Yeah… On the other hand, I was thinking of a job where I could help people. Not with their corporate finances, but with their lives. Like volunteering, but paid,” said Jena, wondering where that idea had bubbled up from. She’d considered it, but it didn’t pay as well as the for-profit sector. Then again, it wasn’t like she needed the money.
“That’s a great idea,” said Maggie encouragingly. “I’m sure it’d be more fulfilling than what you’re doing now.”
“Cleaning dog poop in a shelter would be more fulfilling,” said Jena.
“Don’t nonprofits need people who know finance, anyway? I bet you could help them with their accounting… or something.” Maggie chuckled.
“I’m not an accountant,” Jena scoffed, but Maggie was right. Nonprofits did need people to handle their finances. That was an idea. “Enough about all that, though. I’ll think about it later, when I’m done with this damned contract. What happened to you?”
“You just want to know what happened with my ex, don’t you?”
“Guilty.” Jena’s cheeks flushed pink. She hoped Maggie wouldn’t notice; maybe her cheeks were already pink due to the cold. Or the proximity of her own thigh against Maggie’s.
“I’ll tell you. But first, I’m going to get us round two.”
As soon as Maggie got up to go to the bar, Jena felt her absence. It wasn’t just the warmth and solidness of a companion sitting next to her—it was the feeling that they were here together, as a unit, as a team. A pair of best friends, or former ones, anyway.
It was a pleasant feeling, one Jena hadn’t felt since she and Maggie had last been together. In that vast stretch of time between now and then, Jena couldn’t remember a single person who’d been there for her like that. No siblings or other friends to speak of, and certainly not her parents.
Having gone so long without intimate human connection was like being frozen in a block of ice. Now that Jena was thawing, with Maggie’s influence, she felt like she was becoming a different person, almost.
Maggie returned with the drinks, placing them on the table with a solid thud. Jena noticed that Maggie had gotten a couple shots, as well—presumably whatever was in the glasses was the chaser. Jena downed the last of her previous drink and slid it away, wary of taking a shot. She didn’t need to be too drunk right now, not when she wanted to actually be aware of whatever conversation they were about to have.
“So, the story of me and Callie. There’s not much to tell about the beginning. I tried one of those online dating sites, we exchanged a few messages, hit it off… It grew from there,” said Maggie, and Jena could catch a tiny spark of enthusiasm—the same enthusiasm Maggie must have showed when she’d told her friends about the cute new girl she’d been chatting with.
“It grew to the point where you wanted to get married,” said Jena.
“Right,” said Maggie. “I’d already bought a house and Callie moved in, and a few months after that, it became apparent that we should get engaged. So we did, and then we started planning the wedding. Thankfully, we hadn’t put down any deposits, or anything… Maybe that was why Callie felt okay dropping the bomb then.”
“The bomb?”
“She didn’t want to be with me anymore!” Maggie threw up her hands. “I couldn’t believe it. At all. We’d been going along so smoothly… And then she slept with her friend the very next day! So she wanted to get back together after she realized she’d made a mistake, but it was too late. There was no way I was going to take her back after that.”
“But now she’s back in your life,” said Jena.
“She showed up on my doorstep this morning and asked me, again, to take her back. Said she’d made a huge mistake and everything.” Maggie shook her head. “And the worst part is that there’s something inside me that wants that familiarity, to get back on that path for the future I’d been looking forward to for so long.”
“That’s not unusual,” said Jena, though she didn’t like the sound of it. What if Maggie did go back to C
allie? Even though it was obvious they shouldn’t be together? And Jena would go back to Austin all alone.
“No,” agreed Maggie. “But it’s hard to grapple with those feelings when I know I shouldn’t be with her.”
“You really shouldn’t,” said Jena emphatically. “I mean, she treated you like garbage. There had to be underlying reasons the whole time, right? And she just let it all out in one go, so you got blindsided.”
“Exactly.” Maggie sat back in her seat and folded her arms. “The mature thing to do would have been to bring up problems before they even became problems. I did that. I even had her see a therapist, and I sat in on a few sessions so we could work out some problems.”
“Yeah.” Jena took a sip of her drink, unable to say anything else. It didn’t look like Maggie was in danger of getting back together with Callie, after all.
“Anyway, now you’re up to speed,” said Maggie. She swigged the last of her drink and set it down and stood up. “Wanna walk?”
“It’s kind of cold outside of here, don’t you think?” Jena narrowed her eyes, standing up more slowly. Maggie seemed pretty solidly drunk. She had to have a low tolerance, but then, three drinks in an hour was significant.
“You could come over.”
There was no mistaking the look in Maggie’s eyes, but Jena couldn’t quite tell if it came from lust or loneliness. Probably both. Whatever it was, she couldn’t fall for it. Maggie was in a vulnerable position right now, and Jena didn’t want to take advantage of it. Even if she would have gladly taken up Maggie’s offer under other circumstances.
“I should probably head home, actually,” said Jena.
“So early?” asked Maggie. “It’s not even midnight yet.”
“Long day at the office, you know,” said Jena lamely, knowing she was going to have a hard time getting out of this. The woman wanted what she wanted.
“But don’t you… don’t you like sleeping around? Um, I mean, having sex?”
“What? Of course I do, but I’m not going to sleep with you when you’ve just gotten dumped.” Jena sighed and put her fist to her forehead.
“I think I can make my own decisions,” said Maggie. “I mean, if you don’t want to, that’s another thing… Like, why am I not as good as the other random girls?”
“Jesus, Maggie,” said Jena, alarmed now that she had to do damage control. “It’s because you’re better than the other girls. It’s because… I care about you.”
Maggie sighed.
“And I’m not some kind of like, promiscuous sex addict like you seem to think I am,” said Jena. “What would you know, anyway? You’ve been a good Christian for so long, haven’t you? Where has that gotten you?”
Now Maggie looked surprised. “I didn’t mean to put you down like that. And it’s not like you know everything about me.”
“Listen, Maggie, go home and get some rest. Maybe we can talk about this later. I mean, we already said we were open to trying again—”
Jena stepped forward and placed a solid hand on Maggie’s shoulder. God, it was so hard when they were both in pain, and the obvious solution seemed to be to sleep together. It’d fill the void in both their hearts. But it’d also cause more problems than it’d solve. Jena was sure of that. They had something strong but tenuous between them, like spider’s silk, and Jena didn’t want to break it. If they were careful, they could weave it into a web.
But not while Maggie was hurting like this. When Maggie looked down, unmoving, Jena wrapped her arms around her old friend and held her tightly, squeezing.
After a few seconds, she pulled away. “It’ll be okay, Maggie,” said Jena. “Remember, we’re here for each other, right? Two decades didn’t keep us apart, and neither will this.”
Maggie sniffed; she’d been stifling tears. “Yeah, yeah. I know. Man, you must think I’m a loser.”
Jena shook her head. “You’re very strong. It takes a lot of strength to move on after such heartbreak. I can’t even imagine what that’s like.”
Maggie tried to smile. “Thanks, Jena, I don’t know what I did to deserve you. I guess we can walk out.”
They stepped out of the bar and into the cold night. And as Jena watched Maggie walk in the direction of home, she couldn’t help but think that she didn’t know what she did to deserve Maggie either.
11
Jena
WINTER 1997
When Jena stepped out of the airport and scanned for Maggie’s parents’ car, she found that she still couldn’t believe her parents had allowed her to do this. It was still utterly unbelievable that they’d allowed her to fly all the way here. Of course, it was only due to her mother wanting to be near her parents for Christmas, and the whole family taking an extended break, but…
“Hey! Jena!”
The cheerful timbre of Maggie’s voice cut through Jena’s thoughts and she was brought back to her present reality: she was spending the rest of winter break with Maggie and her parents.
Of course, Jena’s own parents (and Maggie’s too, probably) had no idea they were a couple. That fact, if revealed, would bring the hammer down hard on both of them, and Jena wanted to avoid it at all costs. They would have to tread carefully.
But her wariness vaporized when Maggie ran up to her, threw her arms around her in a hug, and squeezed tightly, planting a kiss on her cheek.
Jena immediately felt himself freeze and blush what had to be a deep, deep red.
“Um, hey! Hey, Maggie. It’s um, it’s good to see you,” she stammered, still jarred by the public display of affection—right in front of Maggie’s parents, who were standing and smiling near their car.
Maggie took Jena’s suitcase and started rolling it toward the old red Ford Escort. “Mom, Dad, this is Jena.”
“It’s great to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Wilson,” said Jena. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“All of it good, I hope,” said Mr. Wilson, a remarkably tall man with a beard like a small black cloud. Mrs. Wilson was much shorter than her husband, but this was balanced by the unshakeable sense of calm she emanated.
Jena felt immediately, inexplicably, at ease.
“Let’s get your stuff in the car, hon,” said Mrs. Wilson, popping the trunk and helping the girls get the bags inside.
Soon enough, the four were off to Maggie’s house. Jena looked out the window at the scenery. She’d never been to this area before, and she could see the skyscrapers of Philadelphia like pale blue towers in the distance as they zoomed down the highway.
They went further into the suburbs, though, and Jena saw that the forests were dense here, covered in snow, like they were back in New York. There were probably a lot of birds; her grandfather would have appreciated it. Jena immediately started wondering if there were any species that lived here that she hadn’t seen yet. Maggie would know, or she’d be able to help her look it up.
“So, Jena, how was your Christmas?” asked Mrs. Wilson kindly.
Maggie’s eyes widened, but she stayed quiet. She knew Jena’s family was… difficult, to put it nicely. But Jena was well versed in talking to grown ups.
“It was perfectly lovely, Mrs. Wilson,” she said politely. “We went to church in the morning, came home to open gifts, and went to see Tomorrow Never Dies in the evening, after eating our Christmas ham.”
“Ooh, I’ve been wanting to see that one,” said Maggie.
“I wouldn’t mind going again,” said Jena. “The plot is pretty silly, but it was entertaining enough. And—”
Jena stopped herself before admitting that she thought Michelle Yeoh—who played one of the prototypical action movie hot girls—was well, hot. But if Maggie’s parents were okay with a kiss on the cheek, they’d be okay with her saying that, right? She wished Maggie had done a better job prepping her for this. She needed to know what was okay and what wasn’t, after years of exercising self-preservation in her own home.
“Well, maybe we can go,” said Mr. Wilson. “Anyway, here we are.”
Jena pulled her suitcase until Mr. Wilson took it from her. From the beginning, Jena was pleasantly surprised by how hospitable, how willing to step in, Maggie and her family were. First off, Maggie had known that the holidays were stressful for Jena, so she’d invited her to come over. And now, they were doing such simple acts of kindness as carrying her suitcase. Jena’s parents were overly kind to guests they didn’t know well, but they mostly left Jena to her own devices.
“Here we are,” said Mrs. Wilson. “Welcome to our home. Everything here is yours, so don’t hesitate to make yourself comfortable. Maggie, you wanna show Jena to her room?”
“Got it, Mom!” said Maggie. She took Jena by the hand and led her up the stairs. Jena followed, a little overwhelmed by the sights and smells of the place Maggie spent the majority of the year. It was strange to think that this was Maggie’s real life, and camp was just a vacation from it. Jena thought of camp as her real life, because it was more of a place where she could be herself. When she was around Maggie, at least.
“So here it is,” said Maggie, opening the door of what appeared to be a guest room. “This is where you’ll be sleeping. Unfortunately, my bed is just a twin, so it’s not like we can both share it…”
The very thought of attempting such deception made Jena feel ill. How would Maggie’s parents react, though?
“Hey, I was wondering, actually… Um, are your parents cool with, you know…”
“Yeah!” said Maggie in an excited whisper. “Yeah, they’re totally cool with gay and bi people, with me being a lesbian, with us being together… So don’t worry about anything.”