Looking for Eagles

by Savannah Swan

  To her horror, Jena felt tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. When was the last time someone had showed her this much kindness? It was overwhelming. She excused herself to go to the bathroom and splashed water on her face, returning refreshed and better able to hold it together.

  But she knew she’d have to find a private moment alone, later, so she could process the feelings these gifts had dredged up. It was utterly inconceivable that the Wilsons could not only host her on short notice, but include her fully in their festivities. It was like she was already a part of the family.

  “So, do you like your gifts?” asked Mrs. Wilson, beaming.

  “I do, I absolutely do,” said Jena emphatically, sure that words were completely inadequate for conveying the depth of her sincerity. There was no way she would ever be able to truly show the Wilsons how thankful she was.

  “Good. Maggie, you advised us well,” said Mrs. Wilson, turning to Maggie.

  Mr. Wilson let out a guffaw.

  “I wanted to make this Christmas special for you,” said Maggie, who was beaming even more widely than her mother.

  “Looks like all the gifts have been given,” said Mr. Wilson, checking his watch. “Time for us to head to church. You girls hold the fort down, okay?”

  “Will do,” said Maggie, standing up with her parents.

  Mr. and Mrs. Wilson bundled themselves up to head out into the cold, then hopped in the car and were on their way.

  And Maggie and Jena found themselves alone. They sat on the couch and surveyed the scene. “I guess we should clean up, huh?” said Jena. “It’s the least I can do.”

  Before Maggie could respond, she started collecting all the trash and breakfast plates and put them where they should go. Maggie joined in, and soon enough, the house was clean again, the tree sparkling merrily in the corner, the beautiful woven tree skirt now visible.

  They sat in silence, like they couldn’t figure out what to do next. But the more Jena sat down and actually thought about how the morning had gone, the more she found her emotions rising up again, threatening to erupt.

  And she started bawling. Not just crying—no subtle trickling of tears. She cried like she hadn’t cried for the past two decades—which was almost true. When was the last time she’d let her emotions loose? After her parents had kicked her out, she’d cried a lot, but then she’d toughened up. And she’d become a steel vault. Until she’d come to Philadelphia, apparently.

  Maggie thrust a couple of tissues into her hand, and she dabbed at her face, and then Maggie wrapped her arms around Jena, placing her head on Jena’s shoulder. The warmth and weight of Maggie next to her was comforting. Jena normally didn’t like people to see her like this, but somehow, it was okay that it was Maggie.

  After what seemed like an absurdly long time, Jena’s tears ran out. She felt exhausted, but refreshed, in an odd way, like she could finally move on from—what, she didn’t know.

  “You okay?” asked Maggie.

  Jena chuckled, still wiping her face. “Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. I just—I can’t handle it when people are too nice to me, apparently.”

  “Why do you think that is?” asked Maggie.

  “I don’t know. Don’t you get like that? Don’t you ever cry when people are nice to you?”

  “I guess so,” admitted Maggie, “but I’ve never thought about why that might be.”

  “Well, I don’t know either. Maybe because… no one’s ever been this nice to me before. I’ve never been so close with anyone. And your parents don’t even know me, really, but they’re still perfectly willing to welcome me into their home, and buy me all these gifts…”

  Thinking about it was almost enough to set Jena off again, but she refrained. She really had run out of tears, and she didn’t want to start a round of ugly-crying.

  “That’s just what people do,” said Maggie softly.

  “No, not everyone.” Jena shook her head. “Not everyone is this nice. When you find kindness like this, you hold onto it and you never let go. Don’t you dare ever take this for granted.”

  “I won’t. I mean… I’ve always known how your family is,” said Maggie.

  “I thought about calling my mom again, for Christmas,” said Jena. “But there’s no point. I have so much I could say to her. I could tell her about all this, about how there’s another family out there that’s willing to treat me like their own. But she said we have nothing to say to each other. She doesn’t want to hear it.”

  Maggie hugged Jena even closer.

  “I just don’t get it. I don’t get how they can love their dogma more than me,” said Jena, sighing. The crying really had taken a lot out of her.

  “I don’t get it either, Jena, but you have a family now, you know,” said Maggie. “You have me. You have us. You’re going to be okay.”

  “You sure about that?” asked Jena, turning to her girlfriend finally.

  “Yeah, I’m sure.” Maggie’s eyes were dark with conviction. “Jena, now that I’ve found you, I’m never letting you go. Ever. You have no idea how much you mean to me.”

  Jena laughed. “I could say the same to you.”

  There was a pregnant silence.

  “Wanna go make out in the gazebo?” asked Maggie, a mischievous smirk crossing her face.

  “Yeah, I think I do,” said Jena, finally standing up and stretching. She had a renewed energy now—a type of energy that reminded her of being a kid. It was the same energy she’d felt when her parents dropped her off at summer camp. She wanted to get up and… dance, and that was an impulse completely unfamiliar to her, or to her adult self, at least.

  Was she—dare she say it—truly happy? For once in her life?

  Maggie grabbed her hand and led her out the door to the backyard. “Come on, honey. Let’s go looking for eagles.”

  Jena laughed again, and this time, she couldn’t stop.

  24

  Maggie

  Maggie clutched the neck of the champagne bottle tightly as Jena knocked on the door to Drew’s apartment. The place had a roof deck that provided stunning views of the fireworks off the Delaware River. Of course, it was the location of every New Year’s Eve party since the group had moved to Philadelphia.

  And now Jena would be able to enjoy it, too.

  It was two hours until midnight, so there was plenty of time to celebrate. Maggie and Jena could have shown up earlier, but they’d wanted to have a fancy dinner first. Jena had worn the new scarf Maggie’s parents had gotten her, and she looked beautiful.

  Maggie was sure everyone would agree with her. When she looked at Jena, she saw a gorgeous, successful, loving woman. She saw everything she’d ever wanted in a partner. Gone were the cigarettes—when was the last time Jena had smoked one?—and gone was the overuse of alcohol. Maggie couldn’t remember the last time she’d seen Jena drunk.

  It was amazing what an infusion of love could do to a person. Maggie had filled the void in her heart with something other than her vices.

  Though she and Maggie weren’t above bumming a cigarette from Ana’s party pack. They’d share it, taking turns, eventually stubbing it out well before they reached the filter.

  Imani opened the door, a wide grin on her face. She was already wearing a conical party hat, black with gold lettering and a gold pom pom on top. It matched perfectly with her dark skin and gold eyeshadow.

  Everyone else looked equally festive. Even Drew had been convinced to wear gold eyeshadow, which made him look oddly angelic with his round face, and most of the people there were wearing the party hats.

  Ana strode up to them and handed them hats of their own, while taking the bottle of champagne for the stash. Maggie carefully attached the party hat to Jena’s head, thinking that it made her even more adorable.

  Man, she was in love.

  “So how was dinner?” asked Ana.

  “Great. We went to that one Indian fusion restaurant in Rittenhouse I’ve been wanting to go to forever,” said Maggie.

 
“Ooh, fancy. Looks like you guys are enjoying a luxe date night,” said Ana, winking.

  “You could call it that,” said Jena.

  They went farther into the house and Drew’s partner, Maya, approached them. “You want a tour of the roof deck? Reagan, Elaine, and Landon are hanging out up there.”

  “You haven’t met Landon yet, have you?” asked Maggie. “Reagan’s husband?”

  Jena shook her head. “No, let’s do it!”

  They went up the stairs and came out on the terrace; the building was tall enough that it provided a killer view of the surrounding area. Drew lived in a completely different part of the city from the others, which was closer to the river and had few tall buildings, so the view from his terrace was unobstructed.

  Maggie would never tire of this view of the city she loved. She could see the glittering skyscrapers with their colored lighted tops to the west, and the lights of Camden to the east. The entire landscape was a sprawl of pale orange lights, and the sky had a smoky peach-lavender glow.

  Maggie couldn’t imagine ever leaving. She glanced at Jena, who was also taking in the view.

  “It’s hella cold up here,” said Reagan, who was seated with Elaine and Landon and smoking a bowl. “Y’all want some?”

  “I’m good,” said Maggie. “Jena?”

  “Nah.”

  “Word.” Reagan took another hit and started coughing heavily. Landon thumped them on the back and handed them a glass of water, while Elaine giggled.

  “So yeah, this is the roof deck,” said Maya. “Pretty cool, huh?”

  “It’s amazing. Much cooler than my place,” said Jena. “And I bet you don’t even pay as much as I do.” She rolled her eyes.

  “Nope, probably not.” Maya smiled. “Philly is a great city. If you look hard enough, you can find places like this for a good price.”

  Jena stared off into the distance, like she was trying to sight something that was miles away.

  “What are you looking at?” asked Maggie.

  “Oh, nothing. Just thinking,” said Jena. “This view is killer. I keep seeing all these details in the distance… You can probably see three states from here, can’t you?”

  “Definitely. New Jersey on the other side of the river, and Delaware to the south. Maybe.”

  Jena shook her head. “Where I come from, it’s Texas all around.”

  Maggie laughed and pressed herself close to Jena. “You wanna head back down? It’s kinda too cold for me up here.”

  Jena took her hand and they went back downstairs; the warmth from the apartment hit them with full force and they removed their jackets.

  Ana and Imani were settled on the couch, flipping through all the channels to find the best one to watch the countdown on. Maggie and Jena sat down on the couch near them, still trying to get warm after the bitter cold upstairs.

  “So, how cool is that roof deck?” asked Ana.

  “It’s pretty cool,” said Jena. “I wonder if I could get a good view of the fireworks from my apartment.”

  “If you’re on the right side, facing east, then yeah,” said Maggie. “But we’re much closer to the river here.”

  Maggie glanced at the screen. Somehow, they’d already killed an hour. There was now only an hour left in the year.

  It was mind-boggling how much Maggie’s life had changed in just the past month. She and Callie had gotten engaged back in the spring—she still remembered how romantic the proposal had been, though of course, the memory had been tainted by now—and it had all fallen apart pretty much right after Thanksgiving. And then Jena had stepped into her life, and things had completely changed.

  Could she marry Jena? Would she? It would take Maggie a while to rebuild her trust in humanity, but with Jena, maybe she could do it. They’d already helped each other so much. Jena would deny it, but Maggie knew it was true. Jena’s arrival in Philadelphia had been the best thing to ever happen to Maggie.

  Maybe marriage wasn’t in the cards immediately, but… when you had a partner who was willing to listen to you, and grow with you, someone who didn’t take you for granted, it was definitely on the table.

  But Maggie would keep that to herself for now. There was no point in spooking Jena with talk of getting married too early.

  On the other hand, fuck it—they were already thirty-five. At this age, if you knew, you knew. And Maggie knew.

  She knew it’d be the easiest decision she’d ever make if Jena were to propose to her right now. She had no reservations. And she couldn’t say that she’d never had reservations before. There was always something with all her other partners, some niggling concern in the back of her mind.

  She and Jena could have a beautiful life together.

  “Man, I’m getting antsy!” squealed Ana, pressing herself up to Imani. She’d hit the champagne hard, Maggie observed.

  “I know. Good riddance to this shit year,” said Imani. “Here’s to a better year for all of us.”

  Maggie knew the future was going to be great. She already had an idea of the changes that might take place in her own life. If only she knew if Jena would actually move to Philadelphia or not… It was telling that she’d already brought it up, but Maggie was itching for a confirmation.

  “You guys look like you need more champagne,” said Reagan, handing Maggie and Jena two flutes.

  “Thanks,” said Jena, smiling. They’d already had wine at the restaurant, but the buzz was starting to wear off. They needed more fuel to keep it going.

  There was a distinct sense of excitement in the air—both on the TV screen and in the room. Time was passing even more quickly now that it was the final hour.

  “Can’t wait for the fireworks,” said Reagan. “I guess we should head up again soon?”

  With a strange combination of reluctance and anticipation, everyone scurried to get their coats and hats and scarves so they could be warm up on the terrace. One by one, they started going up the stairs, and soon enough, they were all gathered.

  “Just a few more minutes,” said Ana, checking her phone.

  Jena turned to Maggie. “You know, I’ve never had a New Year’s kiss.”

  “Really?” asked Maggie. She’d had a few with various partners over the years.

  “Yeah. Never had a girlfriend during New Year’s Eve.”

  “Well, you do now,” said Maggie. “So what you’re implying is…”

  “Ten!” shouted Ana, clinging to Elaine.

  The countdown continued.

  It looked like Jena was going to get her New Year’s kiss after all, thought Maggie. As soon as everyone shouted “One!” fireworks started to erupt from barges on the river to the east, and Maggie pressed her lips to Jena’s.

  They kept their lips locked for a while, listening to the cheering of their friends—and the whole city, down below—and the thunderous explosions and squeals of the fireworks.

  When they broke apart, Jena grinned. “Thanks.”

  “That’s easily the best New Year’s kiss I’ve ever had,” said Maggie. “So thank you.”

  Unable to resist Jena’s grin anymore, Maggie started kissing her again, glad to be in her own little world with her girlfriend, surrounded by friends, in the city she loved.

  Eventually, Maggie decided she ought to actually watch the fireworks, so arms draped around each other, the two women faced the display and enjoyed the dazzling lights up above.

  “You know,” said Jena, “I’ve decided to move to Philly.”

  “What?” asked Maggie, unsure that she’d heard Jena correctly.

  “I’m going to move here,” she repeated. “I’ve decided. There’s nothing left for me in Austin, and I’m going to work on selling my house and quitting my job. I’m done with fucking finance consulting; I’ve wasted enough of my life on it. It’s time to do something more worthwhile with my time.”

  “Wow.” Maggie had no idea what to say. Just earlier this evening, she’d been hoping that Jena would say something like that, but now that she
had…

  She was overjoyed.

  “I can’t believe you’re actually going to do it,” she said. “You’re sure? You’re really, really sure?”

  “I wouldn’t lead you on by telling you if I wasn’t completely sure,” said Jena.

  “It just seems kind of… abrupt,” said Maggie, still not willing to completely believe it.

  “Maybe, but why the hell not,” said Jena. “It’s obvious we have something real here together.”

  “I guess I just didn’t think you thought it was real enough to move all the way here for,” said Maggie.

  “Of course I did. We’re on the same page. You have to believe that. I know you’re probably a little cautious because of how Callie backed out on you… But I’m not Callie. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this my whole life.” Jena wrapped her arm tighter around Maggie and kissed her on the cheek.

  “I guess I have, too,” said Maggie, still amazed. She stared straight ahead at the fireworks, still marveling at not only the fact that she had a new beginning with Jena, but also the fact that it was going to happen so quickly. “So when are you going to move here?”

  “Depends on how fast I can sell my house. I’m hoping to get out of there by June.”

  June. That was only six months away. Within six months, Jena was going to be right here in Philly. And to think that had previously been the deadline by which Maggie was going to be married to Callie—they’d wanted a wedding that very summer. It was incredible how fast things could change.

  “It’s time for the grand finale,” said Maggie, watching the fireworks increase in frequency and intensity. Even though it was cold on the terrace, there was nowhere else she wanted to be in that moment.

  “Happy new year,” said Jena, a knowing smile on her face.

  “You too,” said Maggie, kissing Jena on the lips, again.

  25

  Jena

  SUMMER 1999

  It was the last day of River Rocks Summer Camp. Jena knew she wouldn’t be returning next summer; some kids did, but most didn’t, too busy with college preparations.