by Deena Bright
Once I started my car, I looked up. Janelle was on her knees, crying in the yard. Leo had his back to her, crying harder. What the fuck? Was he the biggest pussy in the fucking world? Jesus Christ, it wasn’t like someone died—
Oh fuck.
Oh no.
Oh shit.
I vividly remembered when I was on that surfboard, and I felt my feet begin to slip. I remembered thinking, “Just don’t let this be it.” I didn’t want to know the exact moment when all of my hopes and dreams for the future shattered right in front of me. It was like it was happening in slow motion. I wanted that scholarship. I worked so hard, busted my ass to play college ball. But I knew when my foot started to give way and slide off the board that I could be losing all that I’d ever wanted. For so long, I thought that the only thing I really ever wanted was to eventually play in the NFL. There was no dream, no wish that I wanted to come true more than that.
Until now. I knew it was over. There was never going to be a future with her. She’d never forgive me for this. Her heart was too selfless, too kind, to ever forgive someone for adding pain to someone who was already suffering so much. Janelle would never be able to look at me the same way again.
I sat there watching them, witnessing their coupled agony, as they each suffered alone, facing away from each other. How fucking stupid could I be? I turned the car off, punched my dashboard a few times, and got out of the car. Leo turned to me, looking defeated and worn.
I didn’t know what to say. Well, I knew I should apologize. But I just couldn’t find the words. I put my hand out to help Janelle up off the ground. Hesitantly, she took it, slightly smiling as she nodded at me. I put my arm around her as we both approached Leo. I put my arm around him, too, and led them both to the pool house. Once inside, I grabbed Janelle’s laptop and went into her bedroom, leaving them alone to talk.
Before I left the room, I asked “What part of Arizona?”
“Scottsdale. Why?” Leo said, putting his head back on the chair.
“Just wondered,” I replied, before closing the door.
I booked Leo and Janelle two first class tickets to Scottsdale on the first flight in the morning. It was the least I could do. Once I finalized all the travel information and flight numbers, I told the woman on the line to hold, so I could get their social security numbers and birth dates.
“You didn’t have to do that, Briggs,” Leo said. “I’m actually scheduled to fly out tomorrow night”
“And now, you’re going earlier,” I said, pounding him on the back.
“Thank you,” he said, pausing slightly before he one-handed hugged me.
“I’m going to get going,” I said, walking toward the door.
“Briggs, wait,” Janelle said, following me out.
She wrapped her arms around me, nestling her head against my chest. “You’re wonderful. You’re perfect.”
“Come again?” I asked, not believing my ears.
“Don’t get me wrong, you’re a fucking asshole, but you sure know how to redeem yourself,” she teased, leaning up to kiss me. I held her close to me, cherishing the feel of her in my arms, savoring her scent. I just prayed that this wasn’t the last time I got to hold her like this.
I HATED FLYING. The flight home was horrendous. Since I’d packed so quickly to go, I’d forgotten all of my knock-my-ass-out drugs. Flying without them was the worst. I kept replaying everything in my mind. When Briggs asked me to move to Connecticut, I couldn’t have been happier. Running away with him seemed like the perfect solution, but then I realized it would be running away. I needed to face the school year, my scandal, and the final disillusionment of my marriage with aplomb and grace. I couldn’t hide from it all.
Leo was the epitome of strength and courage all weekend long. His mom, dad, and Cliff were a wreck, barely surviving. Leo had taken care of Austin and Avery as if it were the most natural thing in the world to him. It probably was. I glanced over at him, marveling at how strong and tenacious he was. He’d had one major breakdown at the funeral when the organist played a song that reminded him of Megan. He gripped my hand so hard that I worried that my fingers would never function properly again.
We’d spent one night talking until the wee hours of the night. Leo shared so many stories of his childhood, describing his relationship with Megan so thoroughly that I felt I’d known her my entire life. I lamented that I wasn’t able to know her, share in his love for her. Purging so many stories, coupled with raw emotion, led to one intense and intimate sexual encounter that left me empty and lonely. I recognized it for what it was. The final goodbye.
Leo Cling was still moving to Scottsdale. He’d only flown home with me to… well… fly home with me. He knew how much I loathed flying, so he wanted to make the flight more bearable. Having my hand in his, certainly did comfort me, making me feel safe and secure.
Waiting to get off the plane, Leo looked at me and said, “Thank you for coming with me. I couldn’t have done this alone.”
I hugged him and said, “I’m quite positive you could have. You’re pretty amazing, Leo Cling.”
Once we got to the baggage claim, Char was waiting for me. I knew she was going to be there, but I felt a little sad to leave Leo. I wanted to make sure he was going to be okay. Nearly reading my mind, he said, “Don’t worry about me. I’m going to be just fine. I’ll call you before I leave.”
“When are you leaving for good?” I asked, as we waited for our luggage.
“Probably Thursday or Friday. I haven’t checked the flights. My parents are coming home on Saturday, so I want to get back out there before they come home,” he explained.
“Bye Leo,” I said, hugging him, wishing I never had to say those words.
“Bye Janelle,” he said, smiling sadly at me. “Take care.” People say “take care” when there is nothing left to say and nothing worth saying it for.
“HOW’D IT GO?” Char asked, pulling into the Starbucks drive-through.
“Fucking sucked,” I explained.
“Oh, I’m sure,” she concurred, before placing her order. Char’s mom died when she was in high school. Her dad had left them when she was just a baby. Char spent the last two years of high school living with her grandmother. She was the guru of death and coping. “You holding up?”
“I guess. Have you talked to Briggs this week?” I asked.
“Yeah, he said that he’d see you tonight,” she said, paying the barista. “He’s been beating himself up about that night in your yard. Won’t let it go.”
“Well he should. He was an ass,” I stated.
“Yeah, but you need to get over it. He was crazy jealous and freaked. No big deal,” she said.
“You’re forever defending him, like he can do no wrong,” I said, rolling my eyes at her. “Speaking of which, why didn’t you tell me that he didn’t want kids?”
“Oh good, you know?” she asked. I nodded, and indicated for her to start explaining. “It wasn’t my place to tell you. It was his. If you were falling for him, then you needed all the details first.”
“I guess you’re right,” I said. “If you knew he didn’t want kids and you knew I did, then why would you keep pushing me toward him and away from Leo?” I asked.
“I just wanted you to explore all your options completely. I hated that you were so blind when you married Marcus. I wanted your eyes wide open for the next time around,” she admitted.
“Next time around? Fuck that. I’m not getting married again,” I swore.
“Yeah right,” she said, changing the radio the station. “Plus didn’t Briggs say that he’d have a kid with you?”
“I don’t anyone’s charity baby,” I argued.
“He’d do anything for you. Hasn’t he proven that enough?” she asked. “Are you going to see him tonight?”
“Of course, I miss him.” I said.
“Good, because he’s already at your house.”
“CAN YOU FORGIVE me?” Briggs asked.
“I
already have,” I said, sitting down on his lap. “Briggs, that was pretty shitty though, you know?”
“I promise Janelle, nothing like that will ever happen again,” he said, kissing my head. “So Cling’s okay?”
“As good as can be expected… considering.” I said. “I’m glad you came by, but I really need some sleep. It’s been a long couple of days.”
“So let’s go to bed,” he said, smirking at me.
“Briggs Alexander, I am beat. I’m going to bed… alone,” I declared.
He just nodded, and said, “Can’t blame a guy for trying.” I walked him to the door. “You know, tomorrow’s July 31st. You know what that means, right?” he asked.
“The contract’s up,” I said. “I guess I have to look for two new guys to play with.”
“Don’t even joke about that. I’ll see you tomorrow, Janelle,” he said, walking out the door. “Hey by the way, Connecticut?”
“Very subtle Briggs, very subtle,” I said, blowing him a kiss and closing the door.
I WOKE UP with all the clarity in the world. It was almost as if everything fell into place, and I could finally see what I truly wanted and needed in life. I dressed in a hurry, couldn’t wait to finally end this confusion and turmoil for everyone involved. I didn’t even bother showering or putting on any makeup. I knew what I wanted, couldn’t wait to have what I’d wanted all along.
Driving to his apartment, my stomach was in knots. I’d completely made my decision, a decision that took nearly two months to make. The bottom line was: I fell in love. I wasn’t supposed to, but I did. I fell in love. Unfortunately, I fell in love with both Briggs and Leo. Head over heels, googly-eyed, take my breath away love with both of them. Sounds cliché, I know, but I did. Sadly enough, I couldn’t choose both of them. I had to make a decision. Like Sophie’s Choice. Holy Hell, not that hard, but hard nonetheless. I made the decision. It was crazy hard, heart-breakingly hard. Gut-wrenchingly hard.
Today was the day. I was going to tell him that it was him. I loved him, and I already couldn’t imagine my life without him. I think he’s going to be shocked. After all that we’ve been through, he didn’t think he stood a chance, shouldn’t stand a chance.
Granted, he screwed up a few times this past month, making me question if he could really be the man that I needed him to be, could really take care of me and love me like I deserved to be loved, especially after all of the heartache I’ve endured. It’s him though. I think I always knew it was him. I was just too afraid to admit it. I’m not sure people think we’re right for one another, but this time, with him, I feel it. This is the real deal. This time, I’m thinking forever.
I put my car into park, got out slowly, and walked up the steps to his place, noticing how hot the handrail was in the late July sun. It burned my hand, like I was getting too close to the fire. Icarus. No, not Icarus, this was not going to turn out badly. This was not going to crash in a fiery spiral downfall. I was not afraid anymore. Let it burn me. I was strong enough now to handle anything, endure physical and emotional pain both, and still come out on top. That much I knew for sure now.
I took a deep breath and knocked, hoping he was awake. There was no answer. I knocked again, a little louder with urgency the second time. After waiting a few minutes, I heard footsteps. My heart fluttered as I heard him approach, and I immediately thought back to how much we’d been through this summer, this past month. The door opened, and Briggs smiled when he saw me.
“Hey babe, what’re you doing here?” he said, wrapping a towel around his neck. “I was just on my way to work out. But if you’re here, then we can get sweaty and work out in other ways,” he said as he embraced me.
Pulling away, I said, “Briggs, I… I…”
I looked at the ground. I knew what I had to say. I couldn’t wait any longer. Couldn’t put it off. “You’re wonderful. You’re beautiful and perfect… but… but…”
“You’re in love with Leo,” he said nodding his head.
I nodded, feeling terribly for hurting him. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. All I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I mean… I wish it could be with me, but I’ve known. I’ve known for a long time,” he admitted.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“It was simple. If you and Cling were together, and I showed up, you always looked so happy to see me. Your face just lit up. The same way you look when Char shows up,” he explained, honestly.
“But how does that—”
“Let me finish,” he said. “If you and I were together, and Cling showed up, then your face just fell. You looked ashamed and guilty. I’ve known all along,” he claimed, taking the towel from his neck and wiping off his face. “I make you have fun. He makes you want to be a better person. I know, too, I see it… because that’s what you do for me. I can’t compete with that. I just kind of hoped I could.”
“Briggs, you do make me have fun. I couldn’t have gotten through all this Marcus crap without you. I’m serious,” I said, grabbing his hand. “Please don’t hate me.”
“Janelle, I could never hate you,” he said, hugging me. “I couldn’t have gotten through high school without you,” he added, laughing, lightening the mood. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything,” I said.
“Was I ever really in the running?” he asked.
“Truthfully?”
“Yeah, the truth Janelle,” he said.
“Ummm, you were the frontrunner for most of the month… until…”
“I said I didn’t want kids,” he said.
“Nope,” I admitted. “I could’ve talked you into that. I can be pretty persuasive in the bedroom.”
“Good point,” he said, grinning. “Until I fucked up on the night Megan died…”
“Nope,” I said. “I understood where all that rage and pain was coming from.”
“Okay, then when?” he said, looking thoroughly baffled.
“Briggs, it was something small that happened in Arizona, but turned out to be pretty monumental in the end,” I explained.
“Alright then, I guess I don’t want the details,” he said, looking away from me. “I want to say something though. I need to.”
“Okay,” I said, staring at his watery blue eyes.
“I love you, Janelle. I ain’t never said that to anyone before,” he admitted.
“Briggs, I do love you, too. I loved every minute I spent with you this summer, but—”
“No, don’t finish that thought—just let it stop there,” he said, covering my lips with his finger.
“We can still be—”
“Don’t even say it. Don’t even think about it. Forever, babe. You’re stuck with me. Tell Char I’m taking her spot as bestie,” he said.
Laughing I said, “Actually she’s been sucking it up lately. You may just fall right into her spot.”
“Janelle, just tell her if she doesn’t come clean soon, I’m going to tell you myself,” he said.
Before I could even respond and ask him what he meant, he said, “Talk to her… now get out of here. I’m going to cry a little and then work out a lot if I’m going to find me a new chick.”
Briggs kissed me on the forehead and hugged me. I left his apartment feeling lighter and happier than I had in a long, long time.
I drove to Leo’s parents’ house. His car wasn’t there. I drove to his new house in the woods. I knocked on the door, but he didn’t answer. Climbing the stairs to the back deck, I wondered where he was. His car was in the drive, but he wasn’t anywhere to be found. I sat on the deck, waiting for him to show up. Then, I thought that maybe he was in our special spot out back, the place he’d made for us to escape. Didn’t we both need an escape about now?
I walked back through the path and saw him. Leo was standing on a ladder, taking down the lights that had been strung along the perimeter of my “midsummer night’s dream.”
“Why’re you taking them down?” I asked. Leo jumped when I s
poke, nearly falling off the ladder. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”
“It’s kind of creepy back here. It’s almost too quiet. I’m not going to lie, scares me being out here alone,” he confessed. Then, grabbing the next strand of lights, he said “I won’t be back for a while, so I didn’t want to leave all this stuff out here.”
“But you are coming back, right Leo?” I asked, walking toward him.
“Yeah, eventually, when everyone’s ready,” he said coming down from the ladder. “Work said they’d take me back any time and to take my time. Cliff’s pretty happy that I’m coming out. But I promised Megan that I wouldn’t stay longer than a year. She said six months; I said a year. We’ll see.”
Leo sat down on the cushion; all the blankets and sheets had been stripped from them. “Want to sit?” he asked.
I sat down next to him and took a deep breath. “Leo—”
“Yeah?” he said staring at me.
“I wasn’t scared.” I admitted. He looked at me, confused. “Flying there and flying home, I wasn’t terrified. It was the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid to fly,” I explained.
“Okay,” he said.
“But this time, I was quiet, but still felt safe. Sitting next to you, holding your hand, just being with you, makes me feel safer and more secure than I’ve ever felt in my life,” I admitted.
Leo turned to me, staring at me with seriousness. I continued, “Leo, I’ve been so afraid these past six weeks, but I realized something: there is nothing to be afraid of.” I moved closer to him and grabbed his hands. “Falling in love is the greatest feeling ever. But I think there are different kinds of love too. I loved Marcus, because he stopped me from feeling alone. I’ll admit it, I even fell in love with Briggs too, because he made me forget my problems, distracted me from all the chaos in my life. He’s a 24/7 party.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I’m happy for you, Janelle,” he said, as he started to get up.
“No, Leo… wait,” I said, pulling on his waistband, pulling him back down. “Don’t get up.”