Three Way

by Daniel Grant

Split, the hurt began

  I just wanted my friend

  My friend

  I needed my friend

  I needed my friend

  I needed my friend

  I walk slowly towards her. Her fingers on the keys move deftly on the piano, a total master. She sways slowly to the music as the band lift the song to a foot-tapping, soulful masterpiece.

  His ship sets sail

  For another land

  But I will always miss

  Where we came from

  As she sings, she spots me and smiles. I wave instinctively and smile back, then glance around, suddenly subconscious.

  My friend

  I needed my friend

  Where was my friend

  I needed my friend

  Goose bumps ripple across my arm. I shiver as I take in the meaning of what she’s singing about. I admit I’ve been playing her album almost nonstop on my way into work since it came out but I haven’t heard this song before. The band build to a rousing crescendo and Ashley’s delicate, almost innocent voice, softly finishes the song.

  My friend

  My lover

  My friend

  She holds on to the last note for what feels like ages. A beautiful, soulful song. The place falls silent. A moment before I breathe again.

  ‘That was great,’ Ashley says to the band. She holds her hand up, shielding her eyes from the bright lights.

  ‘Ollie Hayward,’ she says over the microphone so everyone in the hall now knows my name.

  ‘Hi,’ I say, walking up to the front of the stage. Ashley jumps up and takes a sip from her bottle of water. She walks down a set of steps and over to me, flinging her arms around me. She holds me tight, it feels good.

  ‘It’s so good to see you,’ she says. I close my eyes, breathing out.

  ‘You too,’ I reply. We hold the embrace a second longer before she releases me.

  ‘How you doing?’ she asks, smiling. I shrug.

  ‘Okay, I guess,’ I reply. She nods slowly and takes my hand.

  ‘Come on, let’s get out of here,’ she says. ‘Guys, I’m taking a break. Be back in forty-five minutes and we’ll start on Charity, okay?’ The band voices their agreement to the plan. I follow Ashley through an emergency exit and outside on to the noisy public road.

  ‘So, how are you?’ Ashley asks, threading her arm through mine.

  ‘Yeah good,’ I say, nodding. She stops and looks at me.

  ‘Really?’ she says, tilting her head slightly, eyebrows raised.

  ‘No,’ I reply, looking down. She looks at me a second longer then nudges me.

  ‘Come on,’ she says.

  We find a small park and sit down on a bench facing a deserted playground. There’s not so much noise here, I even hear birds singing from the trees.

  ‘So?’ she asks.

  ‘So,’ I reply.

  ‘Love life?’

  ‘Lauren,’ I reply. She leans back.

  ‘Ah. Long distance thing proving difficult?’ she asks. I shrug and try to come up with a form of words to tell her the story. Eventually I say,

  ‘When she went to NewYork it started out fine, we talked nearly every day on Skype, sent emails and whatnot. But she got really busy and we just started talking less and less but we were still going out.’

  ‘So…?’

  ‘So,’ I say, breathing out quickly, ‘I haven’t spoken to her for, I dunno, a couple of weeks and last night I went down to this bar in the City called Jo Jo’s with Parker and Nicola and a few of her friends. It was Nicola’s birthday. Anyway, I go to the toilet and just outside I see Lauren…kissing her ex.’ Ashley’s eyes widen.

  ‘Oh. Shit,’ she says.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘So, she wasn’t in New York?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘What’d you do?’

  ‘I sort of couldn’t believe it really. Like, we’d spent all that time together and she just had so little respect for me, she just threw it all away,’ I say. Ashley looks at me with an I-told-you-so smile. She nods slowly.

  ‘Yeah. Doesn’t feel good, does it?’ she says. I suddenly remember this is exactly what I unintentionally did to her.

  ‘We never talked about us, Ash.’

  ‘Because I didn’t want to. Living with you those last couple of months was hard enough. This isn’t about you and me Ollie. Just ironic, I guess,’ she says. I look down. ‘Hey?’ She touches my chin with her hand and gently lifts my head. My eyes meet hers. ‘You obviously care about her a lot or you wouldn’t be here and you wouldn’t have spent a year talking over Skype, right?’

  ‘I guess so. That’s why it doesn’t make any sense. Is she really that cold hearted?’

  ‘There can be so many reasons, she could have been fired, lost someone close to her…anything could have happened. Your ex is suddenly there, you’re feeling all over the place because of…whatever. You know, stuff just happens sometimes.’

  ‘Well, it bloody shouldn’t just happen.’

  ‘I know that Ollie, but she’s only human. Did she say why?’ I shake my head.

  ‘No. She called and left a message saying she wanted to explain everything and that she’d gone through a shit week,’ I say.

  ‘Well…maybe you need all the facts before you rush to judge. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be pissed off or angry or anything but, maybe just hear her out. You know?’

  ‘I feel so-’

  ‘Humiliated?’ she says. I nod. ‘You’ll get over it. But if this is worth something, you should listen to her. Things aren’t always what they seem. Again, I’m not defending her actions or saying you should take her back but if this means something to you, maybe hearing what she has to say is worth the price of your ego.’ I nod again, taking in what she says.

  ‘How are you, anyway?’ I ask. She smiles and gives me a big hug. I breathe in.

  ‘Ollie, Ollie, Ollie,’ she says. Her embrace feels good and I try to stop myself getting emotional.

  ‘Oi, oi, oi,’ I whisper. She lets me go and ruffles my hair.

  ‘I’m good. Career has sort of taken over everything.’

  ‘Anyone…special out there?’ I ask. Ashley chuckles and shakes her head.

  ‘Nah, haven’t got time for any of that nonsense.’

  ‘Because you’re rich and famous?’ I ask. She shakes her head.

  ‘I’m having my five minutes of fame. Sooner or later someone else will take my place, just have to enjoy it while I can.’

  ‘You’re here because you deserve to be here. You’re bloody talented and this is only the start.’

  ‘Yeah well…anyway, you and Lauren?’

  ‘I dunno,’ I say, sighing.

  ‘I think you do know. You just don’t want to admit it.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘That you’re totally in love with this girl and you’re trying, in a crappy male way, to protect yourself from being hurt again. And I get it. But this isn’t going to stop the pain, it’s only going to make it worse. You’ll spend all your time thinking about her, and in the end that will turn to regret and the whole thing will end up being completely FUBAR.’ I frown. ‘Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.’ she says. I sigh and nod slowly. ‘You need to talk to her.’

  ‘What if we’re just not meant to be together?’

  ‘Maybe you’re not, but don’t you at least want to make sure?’ she says. I glance at her and smile. She returns the smile. I know she’s right and I know what I’ve got to do.

  ‘Thanks Ash,’ I say. ‘Look at us, couple of regular people sitting in the park.’

  ‘Yeah. I don’t get too many of these moments anymore. It’s nice,’ she replies, closing her eyes and leaning her head back.

  ‘Album’s doing well.’

  ‘Don’t,’ she says, not opening her eyes.

  ‘What?’ I say. She sits up and looks at me.

  ‘Small talk crap. I know we haven’t seen each other for a while and that’s mainly because of me. I had to ge
t my head sorted and I couldn’t do that with you around. I’m sorry I left without saying goodbye. But you were right about the music. I’m glad I listened to you, ‘cos none of this would be happening without you.’ Her words touch me somewhere deep inside.

  ‘Thanks for seeing me, especially now. I know how busy you are,’ I say.

  ‘We’re friends, Ollie. Best friends, and friends look out for each other,’ she says, smiling.

  I walk Ashley back to the Roundhouse and we say our goodbyes, promising to speak to each other more than once every nine months. I head home, my mind full of new pieces of advice to consider. I probably should give Lauren a chance to speak, but not right now. I know I’m being childish but I want her to know how much this hurt. Then another voice speaks to me, do I really want to be with this girl? She has a lot of good points but there are some seriously questionable ones as well. I don’t know.

  The tube is quiet on the way back. I walk along my street on autopilot, I know what I need to do, just need to figure out how.

  Monday. Lauren has called four times since I saw Ashley. I’m not ready and strangely, the more she calls, the longer I want to wait. I know I’m probably being pathetic and petty but I just can’t talk to her.

  I sit at my desk, staring at my computer, my mind awash with thoughts.

  ‘Hey, I bought you a latte,’ says Julie. I look up at her. She smiles and places the cup down next to me.

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘A guy cheated on me once,’ she says.

  ‘Yeah?’

  ‘Yeah. Kicked him so hard in the bollocks, he had to go to casualty,’ she says. I frown. Is she serious?

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Oh yeah. He needed surgery and everything.’

  ‘Jesus.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Not sure that will work in this situation. She doesn’t have bollocks,’ I say. Julie thinks for a moment then says,

  ‘You could give her a tit punch?’

  ‘It’s sweet you’re concerned, but doing a two year stretch at Pentonville for assault just doesn’t seem worth it.’

  ‘Hmm,’ she replies, considering my answer. My phone rings. Lauren calling…again.

  ‘Is that her?’ Julie asks. I nod, staring at the display. Suddenly Julie snatches the phone and answers it.

  ‘Look leave him alone. If he wants to talk to you, he’ll answer the phone. You keep calling like this makes you look like a psycho bitch-’ she says. I grab the phone from her.

  ‘Hello?’ I say. Lauren’s gone. ‘She hung up. Julie, what the hell?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You don’t do stuff like that, come on. Not cool.’

  ‘I was doing you a favour,’ she says. I shake my head. Julie shrugs and walks away. Do I call Lauren back? That wasn’t exactly pleasant but then neither was seeing her tongue down Johnny Dougan’s throat. I glance over to Julie, maybe she’s the psycho? Just get on and do some work Ollie.

  The day moves so achingly slowly that by the end, I swear I’ve managed to grow a tumour just thinking about all this. I say goodbye to Paul and Julie who gives me a sympathetic smile, like she’s totally forgotten about the crazy phone-grabbing incident. Weirdo.

  The Northern line has severe delays and, after waiting five minutes to get on a carriage, I’m about ready to kill someone. I stand, squashed to the point where no air can enter my lungs. I glance down at a smart-looking Japanese girl. She is reading from her Kindle, her eyes move so fast, I start to wonder if she’s reading it at all or just faking so I’ll think ‘wow you’re a really fast reader.’ I don’t know. Christ, why am I telling you these things? Just get home Ollie.

  I open the door to my flat and slam it shut, momentarily leaning against it. I look up at the ceiling and sigh. Somebody help me. God? You hear me? I need some freaking-

  KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK! Whoever that is is banging the door so hard, I feel the vibrations ripple through my chest. I stand, turn and open the door. It takes a moment to realise that the prick from Lauren’s office is standing in front of me. James bloody Kennedy, without tie. Still looks like a dufus in yet another shiny blue suit.

  ‘Hi,’ he says. I can’t help it, my face has contorted itself into the perfect ‘what the fuck are you doing here?’ look. ‘James Kennedy, you came to my summer party last year.’

  ‘Yeah?’ I say. What do you want?

  ‘Can I come in?’ he asks. No you can’t come in, you can stand there and say whatever it is you want to say then fuck off back to your tall building with the glass and the money and the views and nice stuff inside. Come on, Ollie…yeah I know.

  ‘Uh, okay. How did you know where I live?’ I say.

  ‘I’d rather not say,’ he replies. Rather not say? Did he pay someone off? Get the information by illegal means? Bribe a police officer? Now my mind is racing with how he found me. He indicates to the hallway. ‘May I?’ I hold the door open for him. This is weird, right? I mean, semi-strangers don’t just show up at other people’s houses except in movies or bad television. He steps inside. I close the door behind him. We walk into the living room. I can feel him judging the shitness of everything in my flat. I don’t care. He sits down on the sofa and I plonk myself down on the chair opposite. ‘It’s about Lauren,’ he says. No shit.

  ‘What, sent you round to have a chat, did she?’ I reply.

  ‘No. She doesn’t know I’m here.’ So, what?

  ‘O…kay.’

  ‘I know what happened with Johnny.’

  ‘Look, no offence, but I don’t really want to talk about this with you.’

  ‘I get it. But just hear me out and I’ll leave you alone. I know you don’t really like me, not sure why ’cos I’m great.’ When I don’t react, he clears his throat quickly and continues. ‘Look, Lauren really likes you. A lot. And what happened with Johnny,’ I roll my eyes, ‘she’s been having a really bad week and I think you just happened to see her at the wrong time.’

  ‘I’d say I happened to see her at the right time,’ I reply. James leans back, his suit reflects the light at my face, temporarily blinding me. Okay, I’m exaggerating but it is a ridiculous suit.

  ‘You know about her parents?’

  ‘I know they’re dead. That’s it.’

  ‘You know how they died?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Her mum died of cervical cancer and only a few weeks later, her dad killed himself.’

  ‘Jesus,’ I say.

  ‘Yeah. She lost both parents within a couple of weeks,’ he says. So, that gives her carte blanche to just do what she wants? Because her parents died years ago?

  ‘But this was when she was a lot younger, right?’

  ‘Well…five years ago,’ James says, looking at me intently. I nod slowly, taking it in. ‘Five years ago to the day, actually.’ I look at him. ‘See, the day you saw Lauren with Johnny doing, whatever they were doing, was the five year anniversary of her mum’s death and that week is always a bit…tough for her.’ Oh jeez. ‘Now look. I’m not saying she’s an angel. She isn’t, at all. In fact, a lot of the time she can be a royal pain in the arse. And she wears this tough exterior precisely because she doesn’t want people knowing her weaknesses. But they’re there. And she only ever shares them with people she really trusts.’ I turn my head.

  ‘Like you?’ I ask. He tilts his head, understanding my mild accusation.

  ‘I know Sarah told you we went out for a time. It didn’t work out. But with you she’s…different. She seems to genuinely like you. Honestly, I don’t really get it,’ he says, glancing around at my flat, ‘but when she’s with you, she’s happier. We’ve all noticed it in the office. So, for God’s sake, please sort it out ’cos she’s turned into a bit of bitch these past few days.’ Off my look, James says, ‘You know what I mean. She kissed some other guy and you saw. Not great. But given how drunk she was, the closeness she’s always had with Johnny and the shitness of the week, you can sort of understand where her head was at.’ Can I? Can I understa
nd? Sure, her parents dying like that is pretty horrific but am I just supposed to forgive her because she had some shitty thing happen to her five years ago. Do I sound like an arsehole? I don’t know. ‘Or maybe you can’t. Either way, I thought you should at least know what was going on,’ James says, standing. I stand, following his lead as we walk to the front door. He opens the door and turns to me. ‘You like her?’ I shrug, not wanting to tell this douchebag anything. ‘Then fight for her. She’s fighting for you. You know she quit the job in New York last week?’ I frown at him. He nods at my surprise. ‘Came back here, took a pay cut, because she missed you. I think she was going to surprise you,’ he says. I nod slowly. ‘Like I said, I don’t get it.’ And with that, he walks away. I stand in the doorway, listen to him get into his car and start it up. I hear him drive away and close the door.

  I walk back into the living room and sit down, my mind processing what’s been said. What must that have been like, losing both parents like that? I know she’s grown up but for anyone losing a parent it’s hard, but to lose both like that must have been utterly devastating. I know what it felt like losing my dad and that was fifteen years ago. It was the most gut-wrenching thing I’ve ever experienced. But then, is all this an excuse for her behaviour? Can I just let it lie? Is kissing another bloke even really that bad? Maybe I’m overreacting. It’s not like she shagged him…that I know of. Did she come back because she missed me? Funny way of showing it. I don’t know.

  I make some dinner and watch some crap on BBC One. What was it? I can’t even remember. My mind is swimming with choices. None of which I seem to be able to settle on. Should I, shouldn’t I? Right thing, wrong thing. My phone rings. Parker.

  ‘Hi,’ I say.

  ‘Hi. I just wanted to mention that you’re gay.’

  ‘So? So what if I was, would that disturb you?’ I say.

  ‘Uh, why you talking like that?’

  ‘What if I was gay, Parker, would that offend you?’

  ‘Mate, you know I love you whatever you do. All I ask is you keep your dick in your pants when you’re round me. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.’ I chuckle. ‘How you doing anyway?’

  ‘Yeah okay. James Kennedy just came over.’

  ‘Who’s James Kennedy?’