I Never Expected You

by Stefanie Jenkins

  My mind drifts back to my sister. She actually called—I can’t get over it. How the hell am I going to tell her that while she was God knows where, I fell in love, and with her best friend at that? We’ll be open and honest and say that we fell in love. Yeah, should be as simple as that.

  I walk back to the bed and lie back down in hopes that I will be able to calm my thoughts and sleep will overtake my mind. I close my eyes and wait. I wait for hours, tossing and turning, but rest never comes. I lie on my side and watch Haylee sleep peacefully. A few times throughout the night, she makes almost a purring sound, and I’m half-tempted to wake her up and ask her what she is dreaming about, but I choose to let her sleep. At least one of us will be well-rested for tomorrow.

  I look over at my phone and see it’s already 5:00 a.m. Wow, how did that happen? I get up and decide to go for a run. I throw on my running clothes and shoes and grab the earbuds from my gym bag. When I walk outside, I feel the brisk morning air before sunrise. I pull up my running playlist on my phone and head out.

  I run for as long as I can before I feel my legs start to give out. I don’t want to have to call Haylee or Ky this early in the morning to come to pick me up because I overdid it. By the time I get back, I’ve run ten miles. I walk into the bedroom on the way to the shower and see Haylee hasn’t moved. Good. I had hoped that my run would help me clear my head and figure out a way to not only tell Haylee that Dani called since I’m not sure how she’ll react but to fill Dani in on all that she’s missed. I also need to figure out what I’m supposed to tell my parents. Do I tell them she called? That she’s going to be staying here? I can’t break her trust and have them show up and bombard her.

  I step out of the bathroom wrapped in only a towel as Haylee starts to stir.

  “You’re up early this morning.”

  “Yeah, I went for a run. Ended up running ten miles.”

  “Ten miles?” She reaches for her phone to see the time. “It’s not even seven in the morning. How long have you been awake?”

  I shrug. “A while.”

  I walk over to my dresser and grab a pair of boxers out of the drawer and sit back on the bed to put them on. Haylee crawls over and puts her arms around my shoulders, my back to her front.

  “Are you okay, babe? You seem off. You didn’t sleep well and then just ran ten miles. What’s wrong?”

  I shake my head. Her arms tighten, and she adjusts herself, wrapping her legs around my waist, almost as if I were giving her a piggyback ride. My mind reverts to the memory of carrying her around Baltimore last summer after we splurged on Maryland steamed crabs. The thought brings a smile to my face, and I run my hand up and down her leg in a soothing motion.

  “What is it, then?”

  I take a deep breath. “Dani called.”

  Dani called? Did I hear that correctly? No, maybe I’m still half-asleep and heard what I wanted to hear.

  “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I thought you said Dani called.”

  “I did.”

  Based on how tense he is and the serious look he’s giving me over his shoulder, he isn’t kidding. My hands drop from his body, and I stare at him. I begin to back up away from him.

  “What? When? Is she okay? Wait, when did she call? Again, it’s not even seven in the morning.”

  “Last night.”

  Why is he acting all calm about this? Dani called for the first time after all these years, and he’s acting as if it isn’t a big deal.

  “Last night? And you’re now just telling me?”

  “You were asleep.”

  “And? Why didn’t you wake me?”

  “I’m sorry. I was…I don’t know, processing it. I’m still trying to figure out if I dreamed it or if it really happened. I’ve looked at my phone close to ten times to make sure her name was on my call list. We had fallen asleep early, and I woke up when I heard my phone ring. I just answered it, and the moment I heard her voice, I just felt so relieved. I finally heard her voice, Hails. I’ve been waiting for years to hear her voice again, and I finally did.”

  Is he for real right now? I am very happy for him and happy that something or someone knocked some fucking sense into my best friend, but at the same time all of the emotions I’ve felt and kept inside when she left are rising to the surface, ready to explode.

  I soften my voice in hopes of preventing an argument before morning coffee. My mom always said nothing good ever happens before morning coffee.

  “So, what did she want?” I decide now is as good a time as ever to get up out of bed. I make the bed while Zach searches for a shirt in the drawer.

  “She wants to come home.”

  Completely perplexed, I ask, “Did she say why?”

  “No, just that she wants to come home.”

  Home. This must be a joke. Home? Who is she and what has she done with my best friend? The same friend who left home without even looking. She abandoned us—abandoned me. When I needed her most, she up and left.

  “Home? As in she’s moving back to Annapolis?”

  I walk over to my dresser and pull out a pair of jeans and a top. Zach doesn’t answer.

  “Zach?”

  His eyes finally meet mine.

  “No, she’s actually going to stay here for a little bit. I told her I would set up the guest room for her.”

  As I pull up my jeans, I freeze before buttoning them. “What?! Are you kidding me right now? What does Kyler say about all this? She calls, and all is forgiven? What, are the four of us just going to play house?”

  “Well, I don’t know. We didn’t talk much about her plans, and I didn’t say anything about having a roommate. I haven’t seen Ky yet to talk to him about it, but, I mean, I’m sure he’s cool with it.”

  I completely avoid the part where he made this decision without consulting the other people who live in this house.

  “You didn’t say anything about having a roommate, meaning Kyler? Or a roommate, meaning me?”

  He steps up to me, running his thumb against my cheek. “I’m sorry. I was just so shocked when she called that I didn’t think of what to say to catch her up on my life and all she missed out on. And then once she said she wanted to come home, I didn’t ask why. I didn’t even care. It was just the fact that she’s coming back that I was focused on.”

  Do I mean that little that he wouldn’t tell her? I feel the room beginning to cave in. I step back from him.

  “Has she even called your parents? Do they know she’s moving back?”

  He looks down at the floor, pretending to push something around with his foot. I know that means no, and I sure as hell don’t have any sort of call or text from her either.

  “Okay, let me make sure I understand this. You’re just going to let her waltz right back into your life as if she hadn’t just left us all?”

  “She’s my sister, Hails. I would do anything to have her back.”

  It kills me to see him upset.

  “Oh, and what, I don’t understand that? Do you think I wouldn’t give anything to see my brother or have anything but a one-sided conversation with him? Wow, you’re just as selfish as she is.”

  He reaches out for me, but I yank my arm from his grasp.

  “No!” I walk out of our room and head down the hallway.

  “That’s not what I meant, Hails, and you know it. It’s just…”

  I stop and turn to face him. “It’s just what, Zach? Please enlighten me! Tell me how our situation is different.” My voice catches in my throat as I fail to push the tears down. “You have wished every day that your sister, who fucking walked out on us all because her life was hard, would contact you or come home. Well, guess what, she lost her boyfriend, but I—I fucking lost my brother.” I point toward the front door. “And he can’t walk through that door or call one day out of the blue—he’s gone forever. He can’t come back. Don’t you think I wanted to just escape from life at times? I love you so much, but damn it, my brother died, and my best friend just walk
ed away when I needed her most. Who does that? And you’re just going to stand there and defend her and welcome her with open arms? No. I can’t.”

  I turn and head for my purse, which is hanging by the front door.

  “Where are you going? We’re supposed to head back to Annapolis.”

  “I know. I’ll meet you there. I need space right now.” I throw his own words back in his face. “You know, like you got last night after she called. Here is my processing it.”

  “Hails.” He steps toward me, but I put my hand up in protest.

  “Please don’t follow me. I’ll see you at your parents’ house.”

  I drive to the one place I need to be, with the one person I need to be with. I hate that I blew up at Zach like that, but some days I hate that he doesn’t understand. Yeah, we both lost our siblings, but case in point, his can call and come back home whenever she wants. Mine? Not so much.

  I sit on the grass in front of my brother’s grave and cross my legs under me.

  “Hey, big bro. I guess you know who finally called, huh?” I snicker. “Of course you do. You know everything.”

  I pick at the grass around the stone.

  “Why now? Why after all this time? I’m happy for Zach, I am. I want to see him happy, but is he seriously just going to let her waltz back in as if no time has passed? She left—she just up and left without a word. She’s missed everything.

  “She lost her boyfriend of four years, but fuck, I lost my brother from my entire life. I can’t…I—” The tears flow freely down my cheeks, and I don’t even bother wiping them. “You died, Em, and I needed her. I needed my best friend, and she fucking left, as if I didn’t matter. I knew she would abandon me for you one day, but when you died, she chose your ghost over me.

  “And she didn’t just leave—she’s refused every single text or call for three and a half years! How can I forgive her that? How do I forgive and forget? God, I hate this!”

  I pull my legs from under me and drag them in front, wrapping my arms around my knees. I run my hands through my hair. There’s no calming my voice.

  “It’s been four years without hearing your voice, and I want to hear it in real life, not a damn video. I want you to be the one calling me telling me that you’re coming home. Why does Zach get to hear his sibling’s voice after all this time and I don’t? It’s not fair! Am I being selfish? Maybe, but I want you to be here. Is that too much to ask?”

  The cemetery seems to be a popular place today. I half expect one of the passing cars to be Zach’s Jeep, but he got the message that I needed space—I needed this. Maryland spring is in full force early this year, which explains a passing car with its windows all rolled down. A familiar tune blares from their radio. I close my eyes remembering the last time I heard that song and allow the memory to take over. It was Thanksgiving 2011, the last time the four of us were together, at least in the living.

  We had already finished dinner and gone our separate ways: Dad and Adam were in the living room watching football, Mom and Kelly were in the kitchen cleaning the last of the dishes and planning their Black Friday shopping itinerary I’m sure. Zach, Dani, Emmett, and I were on the Jacobses’ front porch—Em and Dani on the swing, me in the rocking chair, and Zach perched on the railing. Conversation always came easy with us.

  “Oh my God, have I told you about the new Bruno Mars song I heard on the radio the other day?” I adjusted myself on the rocking chair, pulling my legs under me.

  “Woah!” Zach clutched his chest. “You’re tellin’ me that you girls listen to something besides Katy Perry?”

  Dani and I both glared at him. Ugh, he could be such a jerk.

  “Yes, asshole, we listen to other music. Maybe if you weren’t too focused on getting in everyone’s pants, you would notice.”

  “I don’t want to get into your pants, there, Hanks,” he spat back.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. Ah! He was so infuriating.

  Dani played the referee, holding her hands up. “Okay, you two, that’s enough.” She turned to me. “No, I haven’t heard it yet. Do you have it?”

  I pulled out my phone and loaded my iTunes.

  “Yep, I just downloaded it the other day. I can’t believe you haven’t heard it.”

  “Sorry, I’ve been…” She looked up at Emmett with this look in her eye—gross!

  Whatever she was about to say, I felt the vomit in my mouth.

  He leaned in and hovered over her mouth before saying, “She’s been preoccupied.”

  He then slammed his mouth on hers, and yep, I definitely tasted the vomit in my mouth. They were so overly cute; I couldn’t stand it. I don’t know, maybe I was just jealous of what they had. Yeah, I’d dated, sure, but I’d never had that “this is forever love” like they did.

  “So anyway, about that song.” I interrupted the make-out session happening before us.

  I pressed Play and let the sound of Bruno Mars’s “Count on Me” take over the front porch.

  By the time the second verse began, Dani had jumped up from where she sat and yanked me to my feet. She danced with me jokingly just like we used to as kids when we watched our parents dance together.

  Emmett stood, and I assumed that Dani would turn to dance with him, but she did the opposite.

  She pressed her hand to his chest. “Uh-uh, you sit back down; I’m dancing with my bestie.”

  She turned back to me, and we continued to spin around the front porch. By the end of the song, we were both singing the lyrics, and Dani dipped me back for our grand finale. We both laughed uncontrollably.

  “You two are ridiculous. I hope you know that.” Zach laughed from where he joined Emmett on the front swing.

  With one arm still wrapped around each other and the other on our hips, Dani and I looked at each other with big smiles.

  “Silly brother, don’t you know that it’s always going to be me and Haylee against the world?” She turned and placed her forehead against mine. “No matter what. It’s always going to be me and you. You’re my best friend.”

  By the end of the weekend when the boys had to head back to Pennsylvania, we were all singing the lyrics to “Count on Me.” What could I say? It was a pretty catchy song, and I loved that it felt like it was written for me and Dani. Our friendship could face anything that was thrown our way.

  I stood by Zach’s Jeep and wrapped my arms around my brother as he kissed the top of my head.

  “You coming with Dani next time she visits?”

  “And be forced to hear you love fools getting it on or hang with that assclown?”

  Zach heard me, which I meant for him to, and waved to me with his middle finger. I blew him a kiss in return.

  I turned my focus back to my brother. “No, seriously, though. I’ll see you in a few weeks when you get back. Big number five…” I said in reference to his and Dani’s fifth anniversary next month. “…coming up.”

  He smiled, one that that the mere mention of his girlfriend put on his face, teeth showing, eyes shining. Ugh, and Zach had the nerve to call us ridiculous? Maybe he should have looked at those two instead.

  “Yup, got it all planned out.”

  “Care to share with your favorite sister?”

  His laughter vibrated his entire body, and he shook his head.

  “Nope. Nice try though. You and Dani are thick as thieves; there are no secrets with you two. I seriously think Bruno Mars wrote that song for you guys.”

  He looked up and saw Dani walking toward us.

  “Hey, sis, do me a favor and keep an eye on her for me, will ya?”

  “I always do. I’ve got her for you. I promise.”

  With one last hug, I walked back toward the house and yelled over my shoulder, “Love you, big bro.”

  “Love you too, Hails. I’ll see you soon.”

  Unfortunately, he wouldn’t. The accident happened twelve days later, and then he was gone. I turn back to the headstone and laugh. Through my tears, I actually laugh.


  “Really, Em? Is that one of your crazy signs?” There are little things throughout the years that have happened that I have convinced myself are a sign from Emmett from wherever he is.

  “I hear you loud and clear, big bro. It’s me and her against the world. I promised you I would keep an eye on her for you. I guess I haven’t been doing the best job, but hey, that’s not my fault.” I look down at my phone and see eight texts from Zach.

  Zach: Hey, just checking in on you.

  Zach: Are you okay?

  Zach: I’m heading to my parents’. Please let me know you’re fine.

  Zach: Baby, I’m so sorry. I’m just all messed up that she called. I didn’t mean how it came out.

  Zach: I love you so much.

  Zach: Please be careful. I hate that you left so upset…that I am the reason you’re upset.

  Zach: I just got to my parents’. I need to see you.

  Zach: I was stupid. I should’ve told her right away. I wasn’t thinking. We will tell her when she gets here.

  “It’s funny; you’d never believe this Zach was the same guy we grew up with. He makes me happy, you know.”

  I picture my brother having a smart-ass retort to that, but of course, it doesn’t come.

  “I am happy for him—I truly am. I just need to figure this all out. I in no way want to hide us, but I worry that if she comes back and we throw this all at her, she may be overwhelmed and just up and leave again. We need to be smart about this.” I shift in the grass where I’m sitting. “If you have any ideas, now would be the time for you to start sending those signs.”

  Buzz. Buzz.

  I look down expecting to see Zach’s name, but instead, I see Cami. She is supposed to be preparing to head out of the country. Why on earth is she texting me?

  Cami: Hey, wankpuffin! Any chance you can keep an eye on things at my apartment while I’m gone? I was supposed to have a friend of Ryan’s stay there, but they bailed last minute.

  Me: Not a problem! Hey, would it be cool if instead of just checking on things, I just stayed there for a little while?