Awesome Dog 5000

by Justin Dean

  The doctor was furious. He screamed out, “YOU RUINED MY BIRTHDAY PARTY! I’LL GET MY REVENGE ON YOU!”

  But Marty was too high to hear him.

  “How do you propose we catch the vandals, sir?” asked Mr. Poopsie. “They’ve escaped into the sky.”

  “I’ll use one of my potions,” said Dr. Crazybrains.

  He pulled out a potion bottle. Its label had a shoe with blurry dash lines. This was Flash Splash. For exactly five minutes, it made you run faster than a cheetah riding a roller coaster. The doctor gulped it down and bolted out the door—

  FOUR MINUTES…

  AND…

  FIFTY-NINE SECONDS LATER.

  The doctor raced across town following the trail of chocolate cake frosting. It led Dr. Crazybrains to an old house that had belonged to a toothbrush inventor he once knew.

  The doctor found a hiding spot across the street. From behind a tree, he watched as Awesome Dog, Ralph, Skyler, and Marty played in the front yard.

  Now Dr. Crazybrains knew exactly what he was up against.

  WHEN MARTY RETURNED HOME, the first thing he did was change out of his dirty clothes. The second thing he did was tell Ralph and Skyler about his mansion adventure.

  “You flew through the clouds, then crashed into a mansion?! This dog is awesome! I want to take him for a walk,” said Skyler.

  “No, no, no. We have to be careful when playing with Awesome Dog,” warned Marty. “It can be very dangerous. I’ve got cake in my underwear to prove it.”

  “Why don’t we just play fetch?” suggested Ralph. “Nothing bad can happen with a dog running after a stick.”

  Marty picked up a stick and threw it across the yard.

  Awesome Dog watched the stick land in the grass. He stared at it for a moment, then looked back to Marty.

  “Wow,” Skyler said in a bored tone. “This is sooooo much more fun than sky surfing.”

  Ralph pointed at the stick and said, “Get the stick, Awesome Dog!”

  “GET THAT STICK!” commanded Marty.

  “BARK. BARK. ACTIVATE MEGA-CANNON!” said Awesome Dog.

  Suddenly, a giant bazooka extended out from Awesome Dog’s back. The mega-cannon took aim and fired.

  The stick erupted in a massive explosion. The blast knocked all three kids back ten feet. A plume of fire scorched the grass. A mushroom cloud of black smoke rose high into the sky.

  Skyler laughed. “Awesome Dog really got that stick!”

  Dr. Crazybrains was spying on the kids from behind a tree. His eyes went wide, and his jaw dropped when he saw the explosion. He didn’t dare mess with Marty now. The boy was protected by a robot dog with a mega-cannon. Instead, the doctor did what all evil bad guys do when faced with a challenge: he ran away like a scaredy-cat.

  The doctor needed to think up the perfect evil revenge plan.

  DR. CRAZYBRAINS CALLED his supervillain friends to let them know his birthday party was canceled. He set his monster-fruit experiment aside and focused his full attention on his revenge against Marty. He stayed up all night brainstorming evil ideas and scribbling them out on his chalkboard. The next morning, he revealed his perfect evil revenge plan to Mr. Poopsie.

  “If this dog is always guarding those kids,” said Dr. Crazybrains, “where is the one place they won’t be together?”

  “China,” said Mr. Poopsie.

  “NO!” screeched Dr. Crazybrains. “Not China! SCHOOL! SCHOOL! School is where they won’t be together! GOSH, YOU ARE SUCH A NINCOM-POOPSIE!”

  Then the doctor laid out his plan. “First,” he said, “I sneak into school. This is the one place the robot dog won’t be, because dogs aren’t allowed in school. Neither are robots.

  “Second: I go to the cafeteria disguised as a lunch lady and wait for the spiky-haired kid to get in line. I then pour my Igloo-Goo Potion into his food.

  “Third: The boy eats the potion, and it turns him into an ice statue. Fourth: I bring the frozen kid back to my lab. Fifth: I play the video game Sparkle Rainbow Tea Party Adventure. Sixth: I explain my amazing backstory of how I became a supervillain. Seventh: I use my evilest potion on the boy and get my revenge.”

  Dr. Crazybrains paused to take a breath. “And eighth: I call my mommy to see if she’s proud of me.”

  Dr. Crazybrains threw his head back and gave a loud evil laugh. “Mwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!”

  Mr. Poopsie held up a finger and timidly asked, “Er, beg your pardon for interrupting your evil laughing, but why is playing Sparkle Rainbow Tea Party Adventure part of the revenge plan?”

  Dr. Crazybrains screamed, “BECAUSE IT’S MY FAVORITE VIDEO GAME!” The doctor took a deep breath and calmed down. He continued. “Also, it takes about twenty minutes for the Igloo-Goo to wear off, and I get bored waiting.”

  The doctor spent the weekend crafting his disguise and brewing a fresh batch of the freeze potion. First thing Monday morning, he set out for Nikola Tesla Elementary School. Evil revenge was coming for Marty, and it looked like a fifty-year-old bald dude in a lunch lady costume.

  DR. CRAZYBRAINS COMPLETED the first two steps of his perfect evil revenge plan. He had sneaked into the elementary school disguised as one of the lunch ladies. Once Marty got into the cafeteria line, Dr. Crazybrains would get…

  HIS EVIL REVENGE!

  But Marty never showed up. None of the students did.

  Unfortunately, Dr. Crazybrains forgot to check the calendar before starting his evil revenge plan. Monday was a school holiday.

  The doctor returned the very next day. Tuesday would be the day Dr. Crazybrains would get…

  HIS EVIL REVENGE!

  But Marty had a dentist appointment in the morning and missed lunch.

  So Dr. Crazybrains came back on Wednesday to get…

  HIS EVIL REVE—

  Nope. Didn’t happen that day, either. Marty’s class took a field trip to the planetarium.

  On Thursday, Dr. Crazybrains forgot to set his alarm clock. He accidentally overslept in the morning and didn’t get to the cafeteria in time for lunch. The principal was very upset at the new employee, “Dr. Lunch Lady,” for being late to work.

  Friday, Marty’s class had a pizza party on the playground because everyone got an A on the spelling test. This is how you spell the doctor’s mood when he found out: P-O-U-T-Y-P-A-N-T-S.

  Waiting a whole week to get his revenge made the doctor one thousand times angrier than he was before. He immediately rushed back to his mansion to release his evil frustration. He punched his collection of beanbag chairs. He kicked the fluffy white walls of his marshmallow room. Then he took a relaxing swim through his giant super-fun ball pit.

  The next Monday morning, Mr. Poopsie double-checked that it wasn’t a school holiday, woke up Dr. Crazybrains extra early for work, and freshly shampooed his lunch-lady wig. He wanted to make sure the doctor had a perfect evil revenge day. The butler even made Dr. Crazybrains his favorite breakfast: blueberry waffles with a glass of hand-squeezed orange juice.

  “Thank you so much,” said Dr. Crazybrains with a smile. “This is just what I needed.”

  He then threw the table across the kitchen. The waffles went flying, and the plate smashed into pieces.

  Dr. Crazybrains screamed, “JUST WHAT I NEEDED TO GET ME IN THE MOOD FOR REVENGE!!!”

  DR. CRAZYBRAINS was back in the cafeteria disguised as a lunch lady when he saw Marty, Ralph, and Skyler get in line for lunch. It was finally time for step three. The doctor secretly put a dose of Igloo-Goo into a scoop of lunch slop. He served it to Marty.

  “Enjoy your lunch and have an ice day—I mean, have a nice day!” said Dr. Crazybrains in a silly lunch-lady voice.

  “Uh, thanks. You too,” said Marty.

  At first the kids thought it was weird that their new lunch
lady had a beard, wore a wig, kept telling everyone how cool Sparkle Rainbow Tea Party Adventure was, and actually looked nothing like a lunch lady at all, but they were too polite to say anything.

  The kids took their lunch slop and sat at table 0. Marty had a bite of his “food” and said to his friends, “Hey, when we get home today, what new twicks should we try wiff Awthum Dog?” Marty was trying to say “What new tricks should we try with Awesome Dog?” but his tongue was suddenly cold and numb.

  Skyler pointed. “Whoa! Marty, your tongue! It’s turned blue.”

  “Fun fact! A blue whale’s tongue weighs as much as an elephant,” said Ralph.

  Marty ran to the window and stuck his tongue out at his reflection. It was not only blue—it was frozen solid.

  Dr. Crazybrains saw the potion taking effect. He jumped onto a table and ripped off his disguise. “Ah-ha! Step three of my perfect evil revenge plan is finally complete! I tricked you into eating a freeze potion because you crashed my birthday party!”

  “Happy birthday, Ms. Lunch Lady!” said Ralph. He really didn’t know what was going on, but he always tried to be nice.

  Marty remembered seeing the doctor before. Marty said with a numb tongue, “Oh no! Ith the angry bald guy from the manthion! I’m tho thorry! It wath an athident, mither.”

  Ralph and Skyler looked confused, but the doctor knew what Marty was trying to say, and it threw him into a rage.

  “How dare you call me ‘mister’! I am a doctor! Dr. Crazybrains!” He hopped off the table and said, “And now you’re coming with me!”

  The doctor was hit in the back of the head with a glop of cafeteria food. He looked over his shoulder and saw that Skyler was the one who’d thrown it.

  “You leave our friend alone! Or else!” ordered Skyler.

  “Or else what?” asked Dr. Crazybrains with a smirk.

  “Or elth there’th more thlop coming your way,” said Marty. He was holding a fistful of “food” ready to launch at the doctor.

  “You really think a little food can stop me, kid?” asked Dr. Crazybrains, walking toward him. As Marty started to throw his “food,” the Igloo-Goo’s effects spread down his arm. It flash-froze and skewed his aim.

  The “food” fastball whizzed past the doctor’s head. It splattered right in front of the school principal as he walked through the cafeteria. He slipped on the “food” and fell backward onto table #12 (the table for kids obsessed with the monster card game Chi-Chi-Mookipon).

  The principal crashed into a pile of gross half-eaten sandwiches, sticky juice boxes, and some very valuable, ultra-rare collectible cards. He was buried under the mess, and all the kids in the cafeteria burst out laughing.

  A lightbulb went off in Skyler’s head. A little food wouldn’t stop Dr. Crazybrains, but a lot of food could. She yelled at the top of her lungs…

  The battle cry set off a lunchroom riot. Every kid went crazy. This wasn’t a food fight—this was a food war. The doctor was hit with the full menu: milk carton missiles to the front, orange-slice torpedoes to the back, tuna salad bombs to the gut. It was a full assault of salt and pepper.

  Skyler ran through the chaos to Marty. She pulled on his frozen arm. “We have to get you out of here, Marty! C’mon!”

  But Marty didn’t budge. Both his legs were now iced over. He couldn’t even lift his sneaker off the ground. From his toes to his neck, the Igloo-Goo had taken over his whole body. The blue frost crept over Marty’s face, and with a single exhale of white mist, Marty was completely transformed into a frozen statue.

  “He’s a human icicle!” Ralph yelled.

  Skyler swiped up her skateboard and tossed it onto the floor. “Ralph, help me put him on this. We can wheel him out!”

  Dr. Crazybrains saw Ralph and Skyler load the Marty statue onto the skateboard. The kids pushed Marty toward the exit. The doctor tried to stop them, but he was trapped in a storm of cafeteria food.

  “No! No! No!” whined the doctor. “Escaping on a skateboard wasn’t part of my plan at all! I’ll have to add a bonus step.” The doctor pulled out another one of his potions. “Step three and a half! I get stuck in a food fight, and I use my Blocker Brew!”

  Blocker Brew was the doctor’s super-shield formula. Dr. Crazybrains gulped down the potion. A glowing force field appeared around his body. It blocked all the flying food. Nothing got through the shield. Dr. Crazybrains now had a clear path to grab Marty.

  Just as Skyler and Ralph wheeled the Marty statue to the doorway, the doctor jumped in front of them. “Not so fast!” exclaimed Dr. Crazybrains. “I’m taking your friend to my mansion’s underground lab!”

  He pulled out a bottle of Trip Sip. It was a warp potion that teleported you anywhere in the world.

  “So sorry, but this dosage is only for two,” the doctor said. He poured it over himself and Marty.

  In a POOF! of purple smoke, they were gone.

  THE FOOD FIGHT was such a sloppy mess that the principal canceled school for the rest of the afternoon. Skyler and Ralph decided they’d meet back at Marty’s house, get Awesome Dog, jet to the secret lab, and stop Dr. Crazybrains.

  There was one problem with this plan: Marty’s mom.

  Let’s put your imagination to the test (don’t worry—this test doesn’t require a number-two pencil or anything):

  Skyler and Ralph must retrieve Awesome Dog from inside Marty’s house. The most obvious solution is to knock on the front door and calmly explain to Mrs. Fontana that an evil scientist with an arsenal of superpowered potions has taken her son, and the only chance of saving him is to use the high-tech flying robot dog parked in his bedroom.

  Which one of the following possibilities do you think has the best result?

  OPTION A

  Hearing this information about revenge, weird science, and a robotic pet causes Mrs. Fontana’s brain to short-circuit with mom panic overload. She suffers temporary memory loss and forgets which kitchen drawer holds the spoons.

  End result: Dr. Crazybrains still gets his revenge, and Mrs. Fontana tragically eats cereal with a fork for an entire week.

  OPTION B

  Hearing this information about revenge, weird science, and a robotic pet causes Mrs. Fontana to call the police. The cops discover the secret laboratory, but Dr. Crazybrains uses a potion to transform the entire police force into goldfish.

  End result: Dr. Crazybrains still gets his revenge, and the police headquarters is turned into a giant aquarium.

  OPTION C

  Hearing this overwhelming information about revenge, weird science, and a robotic pet causes Mrs. Fontana to immediately get Awesome Dog and find Dr. Crazybrains herself. However, having never piloted a robot dog before, she mistakenly flies past the lab, rockets off ten thousand miles away, and crash-lands at the North Pole.

  End result: Dr. Crazybrains still gets his revenge, and Mrs. Fontana is chased by a polar bear.

  The only option that doesn’t end horribly is Option D: none of the above. This was the safest strategy. Skyler and Ralph would have to sneak inside Marty’s house and get Awesome Dog undetected, without Mrs. Fontana ever finding out.

  It would be a very top-secret operation.

  SKYLER SKATEBOARDED as fast as she could to Marty’s house. When she rolled up to the front yard, she saw Marty’s mom through the living room window. Skyler quickly dove behind the bushes to avoid being spotted. She noticed the bush next to her was wearing square glasses.

  Suddenly, the shrub said, “Fun fact! An octopus can camouflage itself by—”

  “AH!” yelled Skyler. She swung her skateboard into the talking bush like a broadsword.

  “OW! Hey! It’s just me, Ralph, in a bush costume.” He pulled off the leafy disguise. “I figured if we’re sneaking into Marty’s bedroom, we’d need some equipment. I stopped by the All-Mart superstore. My nan
a gave me a gift card last Christmas.”

  From his backpack, Ralph laid out all his new gear. Not only had he purchased a shrub suit, but he also had a toolbox, a grappling hook, night-vision googles, suction-cup gloves, smoke bombs, and a candy bar.

  All-Mart sold everything.

  “And what exactly are we supposed to do with this stuff?” asked Skyler.

  “I got it all worked out,” said Ralph, eating the candy bar. “We disconnect the house’s security alarm, crawl through the air-conditioning vents, lasso Awesome Dog, throw smoke bombs at Mrs. Fontana, and disappear in the confusion. We can call our mission either Operation: Fontana House Phantoms or Operation: Hush Puppy. Which do you think is better, Skyler?…Skyler?”

  Ralph was so focused on laying out his strategy he didn’t realize Skyler had left already. She wasn’t going to waste time playing spy games. She’d used her daredevil skills to shimmy up the drainpipe and was now crawling in through Marty’s bedroom window.