Scarlett Says

by Scarlett Moffatt

  If I had one wish, I would make it so that, for one day, whatever people looked like on the inside is how they looked on the outside. How amazing would that be? It would change so many people’s perceptions. There are so many beautiful people who are arseholes, so it would be very telling. And the other way around: there are so many people that probably don’t feel like they want to have photographs taken of them but who are so lovely.

  Photographs

  I used to really love my Polaroid camera when I was younger. I got in so much trouble with my dad for taking loads in one go because the film was so expensive. But I loved our normal camera too. One of the funniest things when you were a kid was going to get your photos developed and seeing how they came out. And there’d always be one of the floor or the celling because the camera had gone off by accident, or of your face from a weird angle. There was always one that looked like it was on fire. It’s a feeling my sister’s generation will never have. It’s like with online shopping, where you can have something delivered four hours after you’ve placed the order. I’ve got friends with kids and whenever they’re out you can hear them explaining to their kids that they can’t have what they want as soon as they want it. We’re living in a world where everyone can have their pudding first and it’s making us all spoilt. You watch people editing photos again and again till they get them exactly right. If it looks like everyone has the perfect life with no effort, it makes people feel shit when their lives aren’t like that. But no one’s life is perfect without any effort, they’re all pretending.

  I’ve heard that some tribes believe that having your photograph taken takes away a piece of your soul. I reckon, having seen some of the people going for selfies in nightclubs, there’s definitely something in that. I mean, I like taking a selfie with a pout as much as the next person, but some people take it to extremes, man. Their souls have definitely been stripped away.

  Me mam and dad have all these albums of photos taken on special occasions and there are all these handwritten descriptions of what’s happening, and it must have been so lovely to put together and they’re so lovely to look at now. When was the last time you ever went back and looked at some digital photos? Photos used to mean something and now they don’t and it’s really sad.

  It’s the same way me sister can’t understand that McDonald’s used to be a treat, if you got a good school report or something. Or if your mam wanted to bribe you to come shopping and be good. I used to go to birthday parties at McDonald’s. I told Ava that the other day and she looked at me like I was talking about going up the chimneys or something. She was one step away from patting me hand in sympathy.

  Modern life

  Even though I was bullied when I was a kid, I still think it’s so much harder for girls growing up in the world today than it was when I was young. I worry for my little sister. It breaks my heart when I think about what she’ll have to go through when she’s a teenager. I honestly can’t remember worrying one bit about what I looked like at primary school. Middle and secondary school, yes, but not when I was a kid.

  I didn’t compare myself to anyone and it didn’t cross my mind that I was bigger or smaller than anyone else. If the dinner lady asked me if I wanted one scoop of mashed potato or two, it was always two, no question. I certainly wasn’t watching my figure at the age of nine.

  Ava says stuff to me about other kids’ weight sometimes. She knows not to be awful about it and she would never say anything mean, but the fact she’s aware of other people’s size makes me so sad.

  When I took her to school the other day I saw a girl of about ten with a full face of make-up on and I nearly started crying. She was covered in bronzer, mascara and loads of blusher and that scares me.

  We all experiment with make-up and I remember going through a really awkward stage when I was twelve when I crimped my hair and wore really brightly coloured eye-shadows and a ton of lip gloss, but I didn’t really know what I was doing.

  Nowadays there are make-up ranges aimed specifically at young girls and I do think they’re all growing up too fast. Some kids of twelve look about sixteen now, and their make-up looks like it’s been done professionally. I honestly can’t tell how old girls are any more because they dress and act so much older. I really hope it changes but I can’t see that happening.

  The fame game

  The other thing that worries me is what kids aspire to be now. I’m going to sound hypocritical because I’m on the telly (I am also a disability advisor, so I feel like I’m allowed to have my say), but it seems like all anyone wants to do nowadays is be famous.

  When I was at school, if you asked someone what they wanted to be when they were older, they would say a vet or a teacher. But if you ask most kids now they’ll say ‘a Kardashian’. They look at the TOWIE lot and think that’s where their future lies, and that all they have to do is get on a reality show and their lives will be complete.

  It’s the same with shows like The X Factor and The Voice. They give the terrible message that success is all about how you look. I don’t think a lot of kids even bother to work hard at school now because they think they’re pretty much guaranteed fame, but not everyone can be in One Direction or Little Mix.31

  There’s also this whole obsession with being American when it comes to school now. I find it weird that secondary school is now called high school and that everyone has massive proms. We weren’t supposed to have a prom when I was at school but a girl won a competition in Mizz magazine so we got to have one. We had mocktails and a chocolate fountain and Paul Danan came along. Yes, the Paul Danan.

  America

  Don’t get me wrong. I’m not slagging off America. In fact, I really like it. I did this thing called Camp America several years ago where you go and work in a camp with a load of kids for an entire summer. The camp was in Pennsylvania and I’ve never been anywhere where kids are praised so much just for trying. We were teaching them gymnastics and if a kid even attempted to do a star jump, everyone was clapping their hands like lunatics and shouting, ‘Woo, yeah! Good job!’

  None of my friends wanted to go so I went on my own. I made loads of mates and we all went travelling together afterwards.

  We went to Miami, which is amazing, but it is the land of the beautiful people. We stayed opposite this proper muscle beach and while we were eating croissants for breakfast they’d be running around in hoodies and doing push-ups even though it was scorching hot.

  We went to this club one night, which was crazy. People were hanging from the ceiling and there were stage shows and all sorts going on. We made friends with some guys who were wearing red bandanas. They were all matching so I assumed they just liked the boy-band look.

  We were hungry, so the bandana lads called the waitresses over and ordered us some pizzas. They seemed to know everyone and they even took us into the VIP area. I’m so naive I didn’t click on for ages they were part of this really well-known Miami mafia gang. Thank God I didn’t take the piss out of their headwear.

  I’d love to go to Las Vegas sometime, although I’ve heard they pump oxygen into the casinos and clubs so everyone stays awake. And they don’t have clocks anywhere so no one knows what time it is so they carry on gambling. I want to see the Grand Canyon too. I know it’s just a big hole in the ground but I still want to have a look, like.

  America is so different to the UK. Americans are so competitive and I think we’re quite lazy. Even in the 2012 Olympics America won gold in loads of things, and whenever we won something it was in all the lazy sports where everyone is sat down, like cycling and horse riding. We never win anything where people actually have to get off their arse, do we?32

  Everyone is so over the top over in America too, and things are so much bigger. I do like the food portions, though. I’m glad we don’t have them over here because my roof would have to come off if I ever needed to be hospitalized because I’d be so enormous. I went to McDonald’s in New York and they asked if I wanted to ‘go large’. I thought, Fuck
it, and I got a litre of Coke. It lasted me all day. It’s just bizarre.

  I say everything is big, but the Statue of Liberty was a bit disappointing. It looks massive in the movies but we went out on a boat around it and it was tiny. I was like, ‘What the hell? I feel like I could climb that.’

  Holidays

  If ever we go somewhere new on a night out, I like to imagine I’m on holiday somewhere to make it more exciting.

  I’ve been on some hilarious holidays with my mates in the past. My friend Kim lives in Palma so I go and visit her every year. Last year I went for six weeks but this year I only went for three, so it was just a light visit.

  She lives right near Magaluf so we go there quite a lot. I used to love it there and it’s fun during the day as well as at night, but this year for some reason I felt really old. I’ve never felt like that before but it was like everyone had gone there for their first holiday and they were really young.

  That’s also a lot to do with how much Magaluf has changed. In the old days you used to look up the strip and not even be able to see the road because there were so many people, but now it’s almost empty. I think the bad press it got has killed it and even on a Saturday night there are usually only about twenty people walking around.

  You can’t drink on the streets now and there are police patrolling around, so everyone is much more careful about how they behave.

  Of course, I don’t agree with what went on there with girls doing sexual things for drinks and that, but it is a totally different place now. A lot of the hotels are all-inclusive, so if people go on holiday there they won’t bother to leave the complex because it’s all free booze. People like Tinie Tempah go out and perform in the big complexes so there’s no need to leave where you’re staying.

  I went to Benidorm with Sam and Kelly last summer but I don’t think I’d ever go back. It’s too scruffy even for me and I love a bit of cheese. I don’t want to sound snobby but I felt like I was in an episode of Jeremy Kyle. I went when I was about fourteen with my parents and really enjoyed it because we went to the old town, which is lovely, but the main holiday part felt really seedy. There were middle-aged married women going up to young blokes and trying to pull them and people having arguments in the street and I didn’t love it.33

  Why is it that people feel like anything goes when they’re on holiday? It’s like people think it’s OK to break the law or act like a knobhead because they’re in a different country.

  I tend to try to be much cooler when I dance on holiday. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s to do with the sun, but I really try and pull out the moves. There are always poles in bars abroad and I turn into a pole-dancer version of Beyoncé. I have to literally be dragged off them. I think poles are a really good prop. It’s almost like dancing with another person, isn’t it?

  We always end up going swimming in the sea after a night out. Can you imagine doing that here? You’d freeze your arse off.

  My worst thing is walking back to the hotel with a kebab after a big night out and passing families who are on their way to the beach. I always feel dead guilty. My little sister is never, ever going on a girls’ holiday. In fact, she’s never going to be allowed to drink.

  It makes me laugh that tourists expect everyone to be able to talk English when they go abroad. Even if they’re in the middle of Turkey they get narked off if the locals don’t understand them perfectly. It’s not like we speak Turkish to people who come on holiday to Britain. It’s ridiculous how often I see people talking really loudly or slowly to staff in restaurants because they think it will help them understand, and then they’ll start pointing at things on the menu instead. Can you imagine if someone came up to you at work and started pointing to everything they wanted? You’d think they were losing it.

  I think, generally, Brits learn about three words when they go to another country, and they’re ‘hello’, ‘thank you’ and ‘wine’. I know ‘Uno Fanta limón and vodka, por favor’, which gets me through whenever I go to Spain. There are also universal hand actions for things like ‘drink’, ‘ketchup’ and ‘chips’, which come in handy. And, of course, numbers are quite easy.

  Holiday clothes

  Summer is all about layering for me. Some people put loads of effort into being fit for the summer and it’s great if you want to wear bikinis and little dresses, but I stay in the shade anyway, so I’m not bothered if I wear something floaty.

  I’ll get a spray tan before I go away and then stay out of the sun. I’m already glowing on the outward plane journey and people are dead jealous. Why risk getting burnt and sweating horribly when you don’t need to? I totally skip that awkward red and white stage and go straight to brown.

  I used to get disheartened when I went on holiday and worked really hard to get a natural tan and thought I was dead brown. Then you’d get into the airport light and be like, ‘Is that it?’ Then by the time your flight’s landed back in the UK you’re pale again. But not if you fake it.

  The sun is so ageing too. I put sun cream on my hands and my back even when it’s cloudy because I read something saying that’s what ages you. I want to look eighteen for ever!

  Butlin’s

  There’s no need to go abroad at all, is there? I absolutely love going to Butlin’s. I feel like I’m in Dirty Dancing when I’m there. You still get wake-up calls and things, and you can drive around on buggies and it’s so cute.

  I used to go with my family when I was growing up and it was like the centre of the universe. They had a jungle gym and it was so much fun.

  I remember my granddad Tommy falling off a bar stool once because he was really drunk, and everyone rushed over to help him. He was really annoyed because people thought he’d fallen because he was old, but it was just too much booze.

  Time to go

  We’ll usually spend a couple of hours at someone’s house before we finally venture out. We get a bit carried away because we’re having such a good time, and, before we know it, it’s 11 p.m. and it’s time to go.

  We never, ever go out before then. Nowhere gets good until after 11 p.m. and it would be weird if we went out earlier. If we went to a bar at, say, 9 p.m. it would feel like a day session. Even in my home town, which isn’t very big, everywhere is open until 4 a.m., so the later you go out the later you can stay out. Everyone loves drinking where I’m from. We excel in it.

  It’s generally Kelly who will decide when it’s time to call a taxi. I’m useless because I’ll always offer to call us one but it feels like too much effort when you’re drinking, so I never get around to it. I know that if I leave it long enough someone else will do it.

  We always try and get Dan the Taxi Man to pick us up. He’s the first person we call. We’re not even totally sure if he’s a real taxi driver but he’s got a really big van and he’s really cheap. I’m sure he only just covers the cost of petrol when he drives us places. Six of us can go to Blackpool and back for around £35 – and that’s at least a two-hour drive – so I don’t know how he makes any money.

  We’ll also ask for lifts off people quite a lot. Sam does this really annoying thing where she puts a message on Facebook saying, ‘Who’s doing lifts tonight?’ and then she waits for people to offer. People will often post taxi numbers under her status, but sometimes she comes up trumps and someone will offer to drive us. Even if only a couple of us get a lift it’s a real help. There are usually a hardcore six of us, so if two people get a lift the rest of us can get a taxi for four and we’ve got more money to spend on drinks.

  7

  . . . time to move on to the pre-drinks

  Scarlett’s Favourite Random Facts

  The Romans used to clean and whiten their teeth with wee.

  An average lead pencil will write around 50,000 words.

  Hot water is heavier than cold water.

  Once we’ve had the pre-pre-drinks, it’s time for the pre-drinks in the taxi, and even though I’ll have been the last person to arrive, I’m the one who’s shouting
at everyone to hurry up and get in the taxi. My friends are always telling me to pipe down when I’m trying to take control of the situation. Everyone’s like, ‘Don’t you dare.’

  Sarah is always really prepared when it comes to the pre-drinks in the taxi. She’ll get a load of those cans of spirits and mixers for us to share on the way. Some of us are not so classy and just finish whatever we’ve got left in our bottle.

  I’m really bad when it comes to mixing my drinks. I’ll have a glass of wine at home, then I’ll have pre-mixed cocktails or wine for my pre-pre-drinks and while we’re in the taxi, and then when I’m out, I’ll always have a couple of Jack Daniel’s and Cokes because I think it makes me look hard.

  If it’s a really bad drinking night, I’ll start drinking red wine again at about 2 a.m. Even while I’m ordering it I’m thinking, Why am I doing this? Once I’ve had red wine on top of everything else I’ve drunk, I’m away with the showfolk. I could literally join a circus I think I’m so good at dancing.

  Binge drinking

  There are all these stories about binge drinking and I’ve always assumed that means drinking cans of cider on the morning bus, but I was really shocked the other day when I saw what the definition of binge drinking is. It’s not drinking in the week, then at the weekend having more than three pints of beer if you’re a man or two glasses of wine if you’re a woman. So now I’m pro binge-drinking. It’s basically just another word for having a weekend, isn’t it? Sorry if that’s not PC, but that’s what I think. The media have jumped all over it and made out that it’s a thing about this generation and that Britain is ‘a nation of binge drinkers’. But are you telling me men were drinking less than three pints on a Friday night in the past, or that women in Paris are drinking less than two glasses of wine when they’re out? I mean, even Jesus liked wine, didn’t he? And he walked on water.34