The Wife

by S.P. Cervantes

  The more time that passes, the more natural and comfortable the run becomes. It’s somewhat comforting to have someone with me down the rural path that can freak me out when it’s empty, and I’m able to pretend he isn’t here next to me because he’s staying a few steps behind me. I let my music and adrenaline sweep away my doubts about my life, and increase my pace each time my mind wavered away from the beat of the music that drives my body forward.

  It’s far too soon when we’re back at our starting point, reminding me what a great running partner Jamie really is. It only took a few minutes to get over the fact that Jamie was with me; then I was able to settle into my run better than ever. I look down at my watch to see I’ve even beaten my usual pace. I may have to make him run with me all the time now, I thought to myself jokingly.

  My good mood is instantly tarnished when a text from Mike comes through.

  Mike: I may be a little late this afternoon. I’m stuck in a meeting in LA. Knock their socks off.

  He leaves no explanation, no clarification as to why he’s gone to a meeting in Los Angeles when he was supposed to be in his office all day. I hate that my first thoughts are wondering whether he’s with another woman. Will this doubt ever go away? Will I always live in fear of who he’s with and what he’s doing?

  “Wanna grab a juice?” Jamie interrupts the emotional abyss that I’m trying to bury away.

  “Huh?” I say absentmindedly.

  “What is it called here, Jamba Juice?” He looks over to the strip mall where our cars are parked. “Want to grab one? I have to eat something before our meeting.”

  “Just us?” I immediately feel silly when he rolls his eyes at me.

  “Well, there’ll be other people around, so I’m sure you won’t have to worry that I’ll abduct you or something.” He takes my arm and pulls me forward. “Come on, we haven’t had a second to talk about anything but work. I want to get to know you again.”

  I notice the sadness he hides behind his smile. Being alone with him is something I’ve both dreaded and wished for. I have so many questions for him, but at the same time, I’m not sure why I want the answers to them. Nothing he could say to me would change where we are now.

  I try to casually slide my arm from his and check my phone again to hide the fact that his touch is still something that affects me in ways I would rather not acknowledge. “That sounds great.”

  I take a seat in the sitting area by the window of the shop, wanting to make this as innocent as possible. It is innocent. We’re having juice smoothies, for God’s sake, not having drinks in a bar, I remind myself. My conscience eats away at me every time I’m with him, even though Jamie and I have never acted anything but professional and friendly with each other. I guess I just don’t want to be a hypocrite. If Mike were in the same situation as me, I don’t think I’d be as confident as Mike is. It would bother me to see Mike spending personal time with an ex-girlfriend. Do I think that way because of the things Mike’s done to me, or is that a normal reaction? I don’t know anymore.

  I remind myself I’ve never given Mike the slightest reason to ever doubt me, and he’s never worried about me with other men because of that. I have men who are my friends and have had lunch, even drinks with them, and Mike encourages it. I also remind myself that Mike doesn’t worry about my spending time with Jamie because he thinks Jamie’s out of my league now that he’s a successful restaurateur.

  “Here you go.” Jamie hands me my orange smoothie and takes the seat across from me, sitting back casually.

  “Thanks.” I let the cool drink slide down my throat with relief. I take a moment as I sip on my frozen drink to look—really look—at Jamie for the first time. I’ve been so uncomfortable around him until now that I’ve hardly been able to do anything but give him fleeting glances. I notice his hair is speckled with gray streaks that reminds me just how much time has passed. His body is much trimmer and muscularly cut now, completely different from the bulky, broad rugby player of our teens.

  He smiles after a minute; I blush, wondering whether he knew I was checking him out this way. “So, how’s the photographer hunt going? Have you broken down and decided to let me use some of your work yet?” he says, still able to notice when I’m uncomfortable and put me at ease.

  “It’s okay,” I lie. I have only one prospect who comes close to what I’m looking for. I should have at least four options by now, but I decide to keep that quiet so he doesn’t keep bugging me to show him what I’ve done over the years. “And there’s no way I’m letting you use my pictures. I haven’t done much of anything but take pictures of my boys anyway. You need someone who is actually good.” I smile when he rolls his eyes at me, letting me know he totally disagrees. It makes me feel good that he still remembers how much I used to love photography. “Anyway,” I continue, “I’m heading back to New Jersey with the kids next week and was going to check out some images a friend of mine emailed me. He’s been working in galleries since college and decided to dip his feet back into photography. I’ve always liked his work, and thought I could give him a try. A lot of his stuff was taken years ago, but from what I’ve seen, it’s amazing, and could be the perfect fit.” I laugh a little to myself. Jamie knows exactly who I’m talking about. “It’s actually Steve Kiker; he went to Camp Callahehee with us.”

  “Oh wow. You still keep in touch with Steve?” His face twists in a weird way and it makes me wonder what’s wrong.

  “Not until recently, when he found me on Facebook. He was wondering if I’d ever pursued photography and was looking to network. Do you still talk to him?” I try to figure out the reason for Jamie’s reaction.

  Jamie shrugs. “We haven’t talked in years. I don’t do Facebook, too many name changes.” He winks, getting back to the casual persona he always has on for me. But again, I notice the sadness behind his smile.

  “Is everything alright?”

  Jamie sighs and wrings his hands through his hair as if he’s holding something back. He always did that when he had something to tell me, but was trying to hide it. It didn’t work back then, and I decide that I’m not going to let it work now.

  “Jamie…what’s wrong? I don’t have to use Steve if something happened between you two.”

  He leans forward in his chair, his sparkling green eyes dulling a little when he speaks. “Steve’s a great guy. His name just brings back memories that I try not to think about.”

  “Oh,” I say, completely understanding what he means.

  Jamie plays with his straw and looks back up at me. “Are we ever going to talk about what happened?” His eyes fill with fear and I feel sorry for him for the first time. It always broke my heart to see a man like Jamie, confident and calm, look worried this way. I know how much it takes to let his emotions show.

  I decide to be honest. “I want to know what happened, Jamie. I wanted to know what happened after your dad died to make you do what you did more than anything for a long time. Who did you live with? Did you ever finish college? Do you still paint? I’ve wondered that for more time than I ever wanted to, but what will talking about it now really accomplish? Nothing will change the place we are in our lives now. No explanation, no apology. I know you’re sorry. Even without you ever saying it, I have to believe you never wanted to destroy me the way you did.” The sadness that I watch sweep over him is unlike the confident, self-assured man I have seen these past few months. “I was wrong, too, Jamie. When you left, I gave up on us. I could’ve followed you to Ireland, asked for you back. But I didn’t. You didn’t call, so I let you go too. That’s the story of us.”

  Right then, I notice the tattoo on his wrist and can read it for the first time. My heart sinks. One Love, Everlasting is written in script, reminding me of the words he had etched into the Claddagh ring he gave me so long ago. A mixture of anger and fascination explode through me. But I keep that hidden inside me, along with all of my other feelings.

  “Can I say one thing then, Lex?” he asks, unaware of the
battle going on inside me.

  Only if I can ask you why you have those words tattooed on you, I think to myself. “Depends what you ask.”

  “How did you feel when you saw me again?”

  I don’t hesitate to answer. “Um, shocked as hell considering I had no idea if you were in Ireland or the States, or if you were alive or dead for that matter.” Being honest with Jamie this way was like lifting a huge weight off my shoulders. It was so much easier being honest with him than I thought. I felt us slip back into the way we were that first summer together.

  Friends.

  I sat back in my chair and decided to keep this conversation going; it was less threatening than dealing with the “why” of it all. “What did you think when you saw me?”

  He looks away and rakes at his hair again.

  “Oh, don’t be mean. What? You were surprised how old I looked?” Self-depreciation was always my way with him.

  Jamie sighs. “Don’t do that.”

  “What? Oh, come on, I was joking. I’m sure you were as shocked as I was to see me at some random party in California.”

  “Honestly, I was glad I’d finally found you.” His eyes narrow on me. “I’ve spent what seems my entire adult life trying to find you.”

  “What?” I say in a whisper of shock, unsure of what to think of his admission.

  “I needed to know you were happy. That you got everything you wanted in life. I wouldn’t have ever been able to live with myself if what I did to you took away any of the happiness I knew you deserved.” His words come so easy, I know they’re true.

  “Did you hire me because you think I’m good or because it’s me? Frank told me you decided on using me before we saw each other that night.” My self-doubt is once again resurfacing.

  “I hired you because I know how talented you are. You have an eye like no one I’ve ever met. I. Know. You. I need someone who not only understands art and the impact it has on the heart, but someone I could trust to make my vision come to realization. I knew you were the only person for that job.” His gaze is locked on mine.

  “I don’t know what to say.” My thoughts are all over the place. He’s been looking for me? His reasons sound fair. They are the same reasons I’ve wanted to see him, but the difference is, I’ve never set out to find him.

  “I want you to know that I really meant what I said about being proud of the woman you’ve become. You have the children you always wanted. I think it would have been worse to find you and see that you never had any children. I know how badly you wanted kids, and it looks like you have two amazing boys.” His sincerity is heartbreaking.

  “Have you ever been married?” The question I’ve wanted to know since I first saw him finally crosses my lips.

  “No.” His eyes sear into mine. I want to ask him why, but I don’t and he doesn’t give me a chance to question him further. “I miss you, Lex. I miss your friendship, and that’s all I’ll ever ask from you. I don’t want things to be weird because of our past. I respect your marriage and respect you too much to ever put you in a situation that would bring you sadness.”

  Just hearing the candor in his voice lets me know all he’s said is true. Before I can respond to what Jamie just told me, I notice Mike walk into the coffee shop next door. Jamie’s gaze follows mine as he notices the same.

  I thought he said he was in Los Angeles.

  “Isn’t that Mike?” Jamie asks innocently.

  I don’t answer him. I get up and walk to the door. How could Mike be back so soon when he said he was an hour away? I wanted answers.

  I don’t look back as I walk out the door and head into the crowded coffee shop, trying to keep myself from jumping to conclusions before I hear his explanation. I don’t spot him at first. Tables are filled with women talking about their children’s newest accomplishments, baristas are shouting out names and drink types, teenagers are hovering over tables and catching up on the latest gossip, but no sign of Mike. For an instant, I think I was mistaken until I see something that makes me feel like my juice is about to be all over the floor.

  A woman in Mike’s arms.

  My composure leaves me and I march over to Mike and this woman, and pull her away from his embrace. “Mike,” is all I can get out before I realize who the woman is. “Dr. Murphy?”

  “Look at my luck, seeing the two of you here. How are you?” She brings me into a hug innocently, clearly unaware of the rage that had filled me moments ago.

  Mike, on the other hand, knew exactly what I was thinking. “I came in here for a coffee before heading back to the office.”

  “You said you were in Los Angeles, Mike.”

  “God, spell-check is the worst.” He looks at his phone and I notice his hand is shaking a little, making me even more suspicious. “Yep, it says Los Angeles.” He makes a ridiculous face.

  I don’t miss the fact that he doesn’t explain his mistake any further.

  Mike looks over my shoulder and it’s only then that I realize Jamie had followed me. He laughs to himself, making me feel as if I’m the one who’s done something wrong. “Did you two decide to start the meeting early?” He tries to turn his lie on me.

  “Are you still going to be late?” I ignore his accusatory tone.

  “Yes, I had an unexpected meeting come up, like I was trying to tell you. Frank had the blueprints; you can start without me.”

  Dr. Murphy makes no move to give us privacy this entire time and I wonder whether she’s stayed to help me in case I need it, or to make sure I don’t kill him.

  Mike calls over to Jamie, who is eyeing him as if he’s about to tear him to bits. “I’m sure you don’t mind being left with my wife, right, Jamie?”

  There he goes—wife. I’m sure he’s doing everything he can to make sure Jamie knows that I’m his.

  He continues, realizing that his attitude toward me is beginning to infuriate Jamie. “I don’t need to be involved in the pretty stuff anyway. When I get there, let’s finalize the floorplan. Sound good?”

  Jamie looks over at me and I know he’s beginning to realize there’s something that I’ve been hiding going on with Mike and me. “Sure. Frank’s already made some changes for your blueprints.” I can hear the anger in Jamie’s voice that he’s trying to keep bottled. “Just try not to be too late. I have a busy evening ahead,” Jamie says, making sure Mike remembers he can fire him at any moment. He doesn’t move when the conversation is over and stands in the doorway, challenging Mike to say something more.

  Yep, he knows something.

  This has gotten out of hand, and I realize my disastrous private life that I’ve tried desperately to keep hidden has now just been blown up for all to see. I notice the patrons all trying to avert their eyes and pretend they haven’t been watching my outburst like a live reality show. I look to Dr. Murphy, still slightly embarrassed. “Okay, well, I’m sorry for my mistake. I’ll see you soon. Have a great rest of the day.” I turn to Mike and kiss him on the cheek, noticing him pulling away slightly.

  He sees my scowl at his reaction to my kiss and tries to smile, but I can see the frustration on his face. My insecurities were not private anymore; I’d just made them public. “See you later, Alexa.”

  I try to smile, holding back the tears that are filling me with embarrassment. When Dr. Murphy tries to give me a comforting smile as she says good-bye, staying at Mike’s side, it becomes impossible to hold back the emotions that have been at a boiling point for months. It’s as if this was the last drop to erupt my emotions over the edge of concealment.

  I quickly turn and race out the door as casually as I can, making sure not to look up at Jamie so he doesn’t notice the tears that begin to helplessly fall down my face. I am relieved when Jamie doesn’t follow me right away, and for a second worry he’s saying something more to Mike. What happened in there isn’t Mike’s fault, and both Mike and Dr. Murphy know it. This time it was my mistake. Yes, Mike made a mistake. He’s asked for forgiveness and is trying to make it work
. I made the decision to stay. I have to make the decision to move on and let go of the hurt or else the doubt will destroy me. I need to let go of the doubt.

  Why. Can’t. I?

  I wipe away my tears and gain some composure just as Jamie appears in front of me, out of breath. “Are you alright? What was that about?”

  “Nothing.” I turn and walk to my car, too embarrassed to say more. “Thanks for the run. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

  “Not so fast.” He takes my forearm and pulls me behind a large, blacked-out Escalade. “Are you okay, Lex? At least answer me that.” His brows are furrowed with worry. It’s the look that always used to break me down and make me tell him everything, but I can’t let it this time. I’m embarrassed enough. I don’t want him to really know the failure I am.

  “I’m fine. I promise. I just have a lot to do before our meeting, and with Mike running behind…” The bubble that begins to float up my throat makes it impossible for me to continue without crying.

  Jamie doesn’t press me any further. He brings me into his arms and wraps his giant hand around my head as if I’m a baby. It’s the most comforting feeling I’ve had in years. “Go home and take a shower, and relax for a bit. Have a glass of wine and have Lee come over or something. Just get to the meeting when you can. The boys and I have a lot to talk about anyway. There’s no rush. I don’t really have anywhere else to be. I just said that because he pissed me off.”

  He is being so kind to me right now, and I am grateful. I realize how dismissive I’ve been to him since he came back into my life, and I am beginning to regret acting so immature. I thought I was setting boundaries with my actions toward him when I was really just being a bitch.

  I’m positive that what just happened back there left no doubt in Jamie’s mind that there’s trouble in my marriage. I know he’s not pressing me now to tell him the truth about my life because he’s waiting for the right time to get to the bottom of things, but it’s not going to be now. I give him one last squeeze around his firm waist and say good-bye before I jog to my car, wanting nothing more than to hide away in my house and pretend this morning never happened.