Selling the Drama

by Theresa Smith

  "Of course you want to be with him. You need to be here; we all understand that. The kids are fine. Truly. They are perfect. It's all okay," Ellie soothed, her hand rubbing Charlotte's back gently.

  Charlotte nodded, so grateful to Ellie for saying the words she needed to hear right now. She craved that absolution; the permission to focus solely on Toby and Toby alone. "Thanks. I should use this now so I don't hold you up for too long. It's well past midnight. How did you even get in?"

  "I told the nurse at the desk the truth of why I was here. Turns out she's got a baby herself so she was sympathetic enough to break the rules for me."

  Charlotte busied herself with the breast pump while Ellie talked. The relief was instant, yet also surprising. She had not been paying much attention to her own body, and it was only now that she realised how uncomfortable she had become.

  "How is he?" Ellie's question pierced the stillness.

  "He has an infection at the moment. Nobody seems overly concerned about it except for me. I'm not sure if that's because I'm the only one who cares or if I'm just jumping to worst case scenarios. He seems a bit less agitated this last hour, so maybe he really is fine. I've just heard so many stories about people dying after surgery because of infections. I'm so on the edge at the moment. I just can't relax at all." Charlotte stared at Toby as she spoke to Ellie, taking note of his deepening frown. He must be beginning to feel the pain again. She reached out and pressed the button once more.

  "Of course you can't relax." Ellie took the proffered bottle of milk from Charlotte and slipped it into the bottle carrier she had brought with her. "Are you doing the other one now?"

  Charlotte nodded. "Yes, as long as you don't mind waiting."

  "It's fine." She waved at Charlotte to continue. "Does he know about his leg?"

  "Sort of. I told him, but he was a bit out of it so I don't know if he'll remember. He tried to look at it but it was too much for him too soon, trying to sit up, and he passed out. He's barely been conscious since." She had been utterly terrified by the sight of him passing out like that, convinced that he was dying right before her eyes. That was the way Jake had found her, finally making his way back up from the car park; weeping and hysterical, nurses sweeping her out of the way so they could take charge and assess the situation.

  Ellie was silent for a few moments. "What do you suppose he will think about it?"

  Charlotte let out a deep sigh. "Toby has such high standards for everything, particularly himself." She paused, considering her next words. "He's going to have to accept that so much of what he's about to endure is completely out of his control, and we both know how much he values controlling his own sphere. He's improved so much over the years with being able to let go and concede that some things are out of the realm of his influence. But this is his body and I can't see him just rolling over and accepting the loss of his leg without a fight."

  Charlotte was in fact deeply worried about how Toby was going to adjust, but she was unwilling to say more to Ellie about it than what she had just done. She knew that Ellie still did not fully trust Toby, even after all these years. She seemed to be always on guard around him, as if she needed to watch him closely lest he fall back into old habits. They got along well on the surface, but the undercurrent persisted nonetheless, with the two of them clearly tolerating each other for the sake of peace rather than aiming for friendship.

  She passed Ellie the second bottle of milk. "I'll clean this up here." She gestured to the breast pump. "The nurses may even be able to get a hold of a steriliser for me to use while I'm here."

  Ellie nodded as she got to her feet. "Sure. I should get back before they kick me out."

  "Okay. Thanks again for this."

  Ellie leaned down to kiss Charlotte on the cheek. "Love you. Call if you need me to bring anything in."

  "Will do."

  They bid each other farewell and Ellie left, the silence in her wake glaring. Charlotte put the breast pump back into the paper bag. She would need to clean it soon or the dregs coating it would spoil, but she could not really be bothered right at the moment.

  "Charlotte."

  She turned toward the bed, startled by Toby's voice, weak and gravelly, yet still loud in the dark quiet of the night. "Hey there." Getting up to cross over to the bed, she leaned over him, touching his cheek gently, noting how hot he still felt.

  "I am so thirsty," he rasped.

  "I'll get you some water." She poured a small amount into a cup and then gently tipped it against his lips so he could drink it while still lying down. He finished the lot but refused any more.

  "That's enough. You were asleep last time I woke up."

  "Was I?" She did not feel as though she had slept at all over the last few days.

  He nodded. "I feel like shit."

  "Are you in pain?" Probably a stupid question in hindsight, but anyway, it had seemed an obvious one to go with.

  "Everywhere."

  "You're on some pretty strong painkillers," she said. "Your IV has a drug called Hydromorphone in it. The nurses told me it's hard core. They'll have to wean you off it so you don't become a drug addict." A smile teased her lips and he smirked back at her. She knew those were the sort of details he would want to know. Focusing on the specifics was just his way, evermore when he was dealing with something tough. She reached down to run her fingers through his hair, looking at him tenderly. "I am so glad you're awake enough to be talking to me."

  He drew in a deep breath and winced.

  "More pain?"

  Nodding, he hissed through his teeth. Charlotte pressed the IV button again, releasing another dose of the pain reliever. "That should help in a few minutes. Sorry. I haven't pressed it for a while. Ellie was here and I got distracted."

  "I can feel my foot," he gasped out.

  Charlotte stared at him. "Your right one?" That foot wasn't even injured! Was there something else wrong with him now? Maybe he had a blood clot. Charlotte could feel the panic begin to choke her once again.

  Shaking his head, he winced once more, an agonised groan escaping him. "The left. It's like a knife slicing up into the arch of my foot, then being drawn out only to get shoved back in again." His face contorted with pain. "Fuck." He lay breathless and sweating.

  Charlotte looked from his face down to the end of the bed, the empty space where his left foot should be lying, taunting them. Blinking rapidly, she returned her gaze to his pain filled face, reaching out to hit the button on the wall for assistance. It was time his doctor had that chat to him. This was well beyond her capabilities and she was not entirely sure she was up to dealing with the fall out.

  Phantom pain would become a part of Toby's life from here on in. It was not something that would disappear once the rest of him had healed. The doctor gave him no illusions about anything other than the expectation that it would continue indefinitely. No matter how many times Toby asked him and no matter how many different ways he posed the question, the answer was still the same. Charlotte had this sinking feeling that Toby's fixation on it was an indication that it was perhaps more painful than any of his other injuries. The more time the doctor spent with him, the more lucid Toby became. This was not necessarily a positive thing for the doctor. Toby was livid that his leg was gone. That he had been given no say in its removal. He accused the doctor of railroading Charlotte into signing the consent forms without full disclosure to her on what she was signing. He knew all the right things to say, all the correct terms to use; of course, the doctor had heard it all before, so it was essentially a pointless rant. Charlotte had the impression though that the doctor was absorbing this rage from Toby as a means of deflecting it from her. He seemed completely unfazed; Charlotte was certain she would not have felt the same way in the face of such an attack.

  The extent of Toby's injuries meant there would be a delay in fitting him for a prosthesis. He needed to heal from his splenectomy for a start, and he would not be able to manage crutches or a walker with his injured shou
lder and broken arm for a couple of weeks yet.

  "When can I go home?"

  The doctor stared at Toby for a few long moments before answering him. "You're a long way from that yet. So long, I can't even give you an estimate. You're still critical and you have an infection at the sight of your splenectomy at present," he explained patiently.

  "Caused no doubt by the stellar hygiene practices employed at this hospital," Toby bit out, glaring at the doctor with vindication.

  "Toby," Charlotte admonished, her cheeks flooding with embarrassment on account of his poor attitude.

  The doctor gave her a sympathetic smile before returning his attention back to Toby. "You aren't the first person to lose a limb. You won't be the last," he stated bluntly. "You can blame me all you like, but at the end of the day, it's still gone. It is what it is. I took off your leg because my job in that operating room was to save your life. What you chose to do with that life now is your business, but I don't recommend lying there cursing the loss of your leg for too long because I'll tell you one thing for sure, when they wheeled you in, I had you written off. Well and truly. You're alive, and there are far worse things to learn to live with than having one leg. I understand your anger, I'm not without sympathy, but you cannot change what's happened. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you will be up and out of here." The doctor tapped the bedrail twice before giving Charlotte a nod and then turning to leave the room.

  "Well," Toby drawled, "that doctor is an arsehole. Who the fuck does he think he is talking to me like that? Get me my phone. I am recording every word that fuck wit says to me from here on in."

  Charlotte remained facing the door, closing her eyes with a weariness that ran deep. This was going to be a rough road. A very rough road indeed. "You're phone doesn't exist anymore," she said, turning from the door to face Toby. "It was destroyed in the accident."

  He frowned and rolled his neck with a flinch. "Then get me a new one. Can you press that button again? I feel like shit." He closed his eyes. If not for the pain she could see evident on his face, she might have left him there to deal with it on his own. But he was clearly in agony, and she loved him too much to leave him like that, even if he was being a complete dickhead.

  Leaning forwards so she could press the button for him, Toby reached out and grabbed for her hand. He was unable to move enough to be able to take a proper hold of it though, so Charlotte took over, curling his fingers into her own. He clung to her, his eyes opening, tears filling them.

  "I am so sorry."

  Charlotte cupped his face with her free hand. "What on earth are you sorry for?"

  He shook his head, tears falling freely down his face now. "I was speeding. And talking on my phone. This is my own fault."

  Charlotte stared down at him in silence. She swallowed deeply, running his confession through her mind. She was always telling him not to speed. He was always insisting that he kept to the limit, yet she knew this was not true, because he always seemed to get to where he was going so much quicker than he should have. The obsessive way he managed his time had always been of concern to her. "How fast?" she asked him, adopting a careful tone.

  "I don't know exactly. More than one twenty, maybe as much as one forty."

  "Toby, it was raining! Why would you drive that fast?! And on your phone, too!" She released his face, pulling her hand from his so she could turn away from him, crossing over to look out the window, the inky black beyond giving her nothing more to see than her own reflection staring wearily back in at her. There was man out there, a truck driver, possibly facing charges for something he may well not be responsible for. She would have to tell Jake.

  "I was in a hurry. I had to get to court by a certain time," he said from behind her. "I needed to be on my phone because I needed to get all the details before going into court."

  Charlotte laughed without humour, turning back to face him, her head shaking from side to side. "Well, that worked out well for you," she said, bitterness sharpening her words. And then, overcome by anguish, she cried out: "You almost died! You still could! You understand that, right? You haven't beaten this infection; you could get another one, one that doesn't get better." Hot tears slipped down her cheeks, but she ignored them, too angry at him all of a sudden to care about hiding them from him. She was furious in fact, all of the emotion from the last few days converging within her and brewing into a magnificent storm. "You arrogant arsehole!" She crossed back to the bed to look down at him, her eyes fierce. "We have four kids!"

  He said nothing to her, reaching out to grab her hand with his good one, squeezing it tightly. She stared down at him, her eyes getting lost in his. Squeezing his hand back, she leaned towards him, resting her forehead against his, their noses touching, their breaths intermingling. Toby's lips sought hers with a desperation close to starvation.

  "You aren't allowed to die," she whispered against his mouth.

  "I have no intention of dying," he whispered back. "This arrogant arsehole still has a doctor to sue."

  She laughed at that, her tears coming faster. "I love you."

  "You've said that to me twice now in the space of a few days."

  "I know. I'm going overboard." She kissed him once more, so very grateful that she could.

  "Charlotte." Toby squeezed her hand again, not letting up with the pressure. "I am so frightened. I can't move; there's pain everywhere, and I have no leg!" He started to cry, a sob escaping him, a sound so broken and raw Charlotte felt it cut right through her. "I have no fucking leg!"

  She cradled him as best she could, given his fragile state, unable to offer him anything else in the way of comfort.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Jenna and Chad turned up at the hospital the next day, both looking sombre as they poked their heads around the doorway. Charlotte got up to greet them, Jenna's arms quickly wrapping her up tightly.

  Chad slipped past them, heading over to the hospital bed. "Hey man."

  "Hey," Toby replied. "You've come a long way."

  Chad nodded. "You looked completely fucked."

  Toby grinned up at him. It was hard to know with Chad if his directness was on account of his brain injury or if he had always been that way; none of them had known him before. Either way, it was a trait Toby appreciated. Most people filtered what they said as a matter of course; Chad was just straight up honest, no qualms about whether or not he was going to offend. "That's about what I am right now," Toby answered him, returning the candour.

  "At least your head was spared," Chad noted, indicating Toby's bandage free head.

  Toby nodded to him. That had been one of the first things he had noticed and the relief had been immense. At least, at some point down the track once he got back onto his feet, or foot as the case really was, he would be able to return to work.

  Chad's eyes travelled over him, assessing the extent of his injuries, his gaze lingering on the bandaged stump that used to be Toby's leg. He said nothing though, his eyes returning back up to Toby's face, a look of sympathy contained within his expression that was somehow worse to endure than if he had just come right out and said something about it. Toby turned away, glancing over at Charlotte and Jenna, but that was no better, the pair of them crying but trying to hide it from him. He shut his eyes instead, pretending to drift off, wishing all the while that he really could.

  Charlotte could not remember a time before when she and Toby had spent so much continuous time together. Sure enough, the days were interrupted by a steady flow of visitors, yet this was only in short bursts. No one wanted to stay for long, and if Charlotte was to be honest, this was largely owing to Toby's surliness. He was not interested in having anyone other than herself around him. And she understood this, would not want it any other way. But she missed their children. They were all so tiny and dependent and she felt entirely excluded from their lives in a way that brought her to tears if she allowed her mind to dwell on it for too long. She missed holding and feeding Danielle; listening to Ashley recou
nt his days at school in that serious little manner he had; Bree's effervescence and cheeky manner; and Courtney's way of curling up across her lap to go to sleep, her little thumb stuck hard in her mouth.

  "You should go home for a while," Toby suggested, on more than one occasion.

  Yet despite missing their children desperately, she could not bring herself to leave him. He was still critical; anything could happen while she was not with him.

  Chad turned up alone a couple of days after his and Jenna's initial visit. "Hey," he greeted in his usual way, knocking on the door softly.

  Charlotte looked over at the doorway in surprise. "Hi. Where's Jenna?"

  He walked into the room, casting a glance over at Toby, who was sleeping. "With your kids."

  "Oh. Okay then. What are you doing here?" Charlotte blushed then, her words sounding rude, even to her own ears. "Sorry, that came out wrong. I just meant, why are you here on your own? I didn't mean to sound so snappy."

  Chad shrugged, sending her a crooked grin. "All good. I think you need to go home for the day. I've come to relieve you."

  Charlotte shook her head immediately. "Thanks, but I have to stay. I'm not ready to leave him yet, he's still far too unwell. Just this morning the doctor came in and was worried about-"

  Chad cut her off. "Charlotte, I wasn't asking. I was telling you that I'm relieving you. You need to go home for a while. It's Saturday, all the kids are at home, and it's a good day for you to be there. I'll stay with him for as long as you need, you don't have anything to worry about. I'll text you if we need you."

  Charlotte drew in a deep breath and held it for a few moments, considering, before letting it out, shaking her head once more. "I can't."