Sol

by Apolonia Ambrosius

  Sol could shared her entire life with India, Haru, her three high school friends or even Haven, and none of them could ever get as close to understanding deeper parts of her as did Min, Hell and Lion. They were a special kind – the ones you could only find within yourself or in early childhood, labeled as imaginary friends. However these friends were not imaginary, they were here once and they gave her the biggest gift anyone could possibly receive. They initiated Sol into her personal transformation, which exceeded all the dreams and wishes she once cling so hard onto.

  Like the waves in the vast sea, she had woken up to for those couple of days, all past aspirations and attachments drifted away. They were released into the stillness of the past, where the outgrown feelings rested, while the undiscovered waters slowly started to gain its consciousness.

  The carefree days had also a few instances of depth slipping trough, cutting Sol at parts that started a rewiring process.

  On their second day there, she had woken up at two or three in the morning, to satisfy a rather unusual thirst for a glass of icy cold water. The dark was still being a predominant light in the environment, but she nevertheless sensed something is off in the next room – where the boy slept.

  The summerhouse was not spacious at all but they still managed to sleep in separate rooms. Lion was in his expected broken position on the couch in the living room, his loud snoring expanding trough the room like a lion’s roar. Sol quietly made her way across the living room, and took a brief stop at the boy’s bedroom. What she saw was that he had a nightmare, and it was horrible at that. She hesitated for a few seconds before she entered his room, in order to gently wake him up.

  The boy turned in his bed, his breathing was one moment shallow the next nonexistent, and there was even soft moaning present.

  Sol leaned in and tapped on his bare shoulder, saying, ‘it’s okay, it’s just a dream.’ But because the nightmare was stronger, she needed a little patience before he calmed down, briefly waking up only to turn to the side again. She squatted by his bed and observed his unique features, when the nostalgia hit her.

  It was as if they were back in her grandmother’s house with him sleeping soundly, and her trying to figure out the spirit that rested behind his beautiful face. He really had grown up to be a good-looking guy, she thought, as she gently removed some of the hair strands that fallen over his nose bridge.

  It was impossible for him to feel anything as he was in deep sleep, but he still surprised her by a sudden grab over her wrist just as Sol was about to walk to her own room. Her eyes widened, waiting for a reaction. However the boy was indeed asleep – perhaps a dream compelled him to touch someone’s hand.

  The softest noises escaped his mouth, every letter unrecognizable to her, until he said ‘stay.’ So she stayed a little longer in a squatting pose, waiting for a wave of sleep to come around and take her away.

  On their last night together, Hell dragged them to a nearby cliff – an act that implemented his affinity for heights even further. A few beers, which they already finished in the bar by the beach, hit their heads in a nice way as they observed the majestic view of nature’s creation. The sole conversation they shared between them was the silence; all words cease to hold any meaning.

  After the sun barely held onto the last setting phase, before being pulled down by an invisible thread, Lion went back to the bar to pick up his abandoned phone leaving Hell and Sol alone. They observed the sunset until the last of the dying flame could be seen, when the boy noticed something.

  ‘Why do you still have this?’ he asked, pointing at Sol’s jacket zipper being undone, revealing the vicious metallic shine. His eyebrows furrowed and before she could offer a reply, he reached inside of her pocket, swiftly taking the knife out.

  ‘Give it back,’ she demanded, but the boy didn't budge an inch. He looked at the knife with disgust and mockery, when he suddenly stood up, his long strides making for a short distance to the edge of the cliff.

  ‘Leave it be!’ Sol shouted, quickly standing up as well. ‘This is the only thing I have from her.’

  The boy tightly griped the knife with his right hand, his prominent profile showcasing a smirk and then tossed her silver butterfly over the edge. ‘You don't need anything in order to remember her. And especially not that stupid knife.’

  ‘It’s not stupid,’ said Sol in a cold manner.

  But the boy immediately followed up by a raised voice she never heard before, ‘look what it did to me!’

  He pointed at his deep scar, which made her uncomfortable, as he was stating a hard fact. But at the same time it was made crystal clear that the precious gift from the deceased girl wasn't going to make its return.

  ‘It’s the only reminder she was here and now I have nothing. Thanks.’

  ‘And now you’ll be saying she said that.’

  ‘If you must know, she actually did say exactly that,’ she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

  ‘Did it ever occur to you she could be saying something else?’

  ‘Like what?’ she asked, being caught off guard.

  ‘Like, I want you to never forget me,’ his voice softened up, as he moved to seat beside her again, like nothing happened. ‘You don't need things to remember a certain person. She can always be with you if you want her to be.’

  Sol sat on the grass, her chin resting on her knees. The silence passed between them, each pondering about the unexpected situation. She momentarily glanced towards the boy to see if his guilty conscious kicked in, but what she detected was nothing less than his natural serene expression. And in an instant, she realized she was missing a bigger picture. It was never about the gift she received from Min. This gift was all along with her, walking and breathing, and she didn't need to do anything to preserve the memories of the girl.

  After a while Lion came back, his phone ready to take a snapshot. With a little eye rolling and sighing, he managed to get a few blurred group shots out of the two uninterested individuals. However no matter how hard Sol pestered him to show her the end result, he wouldn't budge, while Hell laughed envisioning them, as two children fighting over a toy in a sandbox. And as funny as the teasing seemed, it didn't pass long before they lay down on the grass, Lion soon falling pray to sleep.

  New scenery opened before them, the one of still unexplored stars. It reminded Sol of that special night when she and Hell, as a young boy, laid on top of the hill, surrounded by thick forest. And even if the setting changed they were once again in the same mental state, creating the same feeling.

  ‘You know,’ Sol at last broke their long silence in a quiet voice, ‘I don't think I will ever get used to you being called Hell. It’s weird and...’

  ‘Well, I’m many things to different people,’ he instantly replied, soft laugh following shortly after. ‘But you however, are still like the sun to everyone.’

  Sol could almost feel this type of answer coming up, and even thought she already heard it so many times, there was something unnerving about it – secluded and nevertheless intimate.

  ‘Why do you always say that?’ she continued as soon as she propped her head with her left wrist. ‘It seems you also have a twisted image of myself. Honestly, I’m not even like the moon.

  He waited for a few blank seconds to calm Sol’s emotions, before he spoke in a peaceful tone, full of understanding and knowing. ‘The thing is, the sun also doesn't know it’s the one everyone looks up to, so maybe this ignorance of yours isn’t so bad. But you should at least be responsible and wake up properly if you want to see the day, because now its seems like you’re making yourself sleepwalk on purpose.’ He once again waited a while, before he looked straight into her shadowed face, right above him.

  A moment of deep sadness engraved Sol’s heart – a feeling of not belonging and not understanding anything about the things she wanted to know of. Like a hole at the back of her head all efforts escaped her, leaving her with nothing she thought she would conquer. This sadness was beyond
anything she thought she would ever be able to feel. She wanted to cry, however there was nothing to cry about. This lack of proper knowledge of oneself disturbed her inner peace that was build over the course of their stay here. How on earth did this person know her so well, so thoroughly, while she behaved exactly like he put it. She was sleepwalking on purpose.

  Then suddenly, just as she was about to make a response, he lifted up from the already chilled grass and clenched his hands over her shoulders. Sol didn't know what to make of this situation, except that it was exactly what she needed – an understanding embrace from someone other than her parents or pretentious friends. They stayed fixed in the unexpected position until Sol’s heart rearranged its heartbeat, and her body normalized her breathing.

  ‘I want you to remember one thing though. I don't want to change you in any way. I am here just because you need a reminder of how much potential is stored within you,’ the monologue continued, while at the same time he slowly released his embrace, inches away from Sol’s face. ‘Look, I can also be wrong and if I am you don't have to listen to anything I say. After all it’s your life and your decisions,’ and like the time stopped existing altogether, like they were suddenly caught in one of her night time dreams, Hell pressed her a kiss. It was more like a gentle touch, faintly brazing half of her lips and half of her cheek. After he moved away, looking up in the starry sky he added, ‘but I’m sure somewhere deep down, you already know all these things.’

  On the verge of summer’s end the depth of the night swallowed three youths dreaming alter realities. They were perfectly still, the slightly chilly breeze grazing their exposed face and arms. It appeared as if the stars hung on the sky a lot longer than any other night before, because the dawn just wouldn't welcome them. Perhaps when the world is asleep nature operates our world, and it is also nature’s job to wake us up. There could also come a time when it never does, and we simply prolong our stay in the dream state. This time however, was not one of those days, at least not for either of three of them.

  Their trip finally came to an end and with it came another hard goodbye. It was afternoon, when Lion locked the summerhouse and when Hell announced he will part his way, by going to an opposite direction, perhaps never returning again.

  Sol watched him swing his leg over the motorbike, helmet ready to be put on. ‘Where are you going?’ she asked before it would be too late.

  ‘To search for my own sun,’ he responded, while in the back Lion burst into a short-lived laugh.

  ‘Well, do you at least know when are you come back?’ she asked again, hoping to see his serious side.

  ‘Don't know, maybe in a month, a year, maybe never. But that doesn't matter.’

  ‘It does, to me!’

  ‘And why is that?’

  ‘You know what, you both are crazy,’ intervened Lion. ‘Well, take care kid and when you come back you know where to find me.’ And like he knew something happened last night – even though at the time his soul most certainly escaped his body – he waved his hand and headed towards the car.

  A few moments passed with Hell patiently waiting for Sol to carry on their conversation.

  ‘I can’t go if you don't answer. So, what will it be?’

  After what is seemed to be most fitting timing, she proposed another question, only this time it was more personal, more intimate.

  ‘Well how will we get married then?’ the question barely containing a sound, the mere words making Sol cringe.

  However, he didn't showed any awkwardness or discomfort. The young man of golden tan and scarred face crunched his palm into fist, and thumped hard in the spot of his heart. ‘Here,’ he said in a deep voice, the scenery instantly reminding Sol of his sister. ‘We already did and it’s for life. Never forget that.’

  The next thing she remembered was the loud rumbling of motorbike turning away from her, his figure blending into the background of wide road and wild nature. While she observed him from a distance, she realized this was his calling. This was his authentic self, and for some reason a genuine smile formed on her face. In fact, she finally understood the profound meaning this journey had.

  Sol walked to the parked car, where Lion waited and bid him a surprising goodbye. At first he seemed quite dumbfounded but then he smiled and said, ‘you are on the right path.’ He put his aviator glasses on, and exchanged a mutual wave with her.

  After the car completely disappeared she followed her impulse, and in no time her feet soaked with each incoming wave. She sat on the warm sand, gazing over the immense amount of sea. It most definitely passed at least an hour of her sun-gazing activity, when a phenomenon occurred.

  Suddenly she felt a strong presence of the boy coming from inside of her. It was as if her body was a temple where his being resided for centuries. From the stomach, comforting warmth spread trough out her entire body, and then just as she was about to fall into the unknown feeling, something else took place.

  A voice she heard on the day of her supposed death returned, only this time she recognized who did the talking. It was the true color of her own voice, which can never be heard in a waking life and like a friend, it passed a novel thought from undiscovered waters to her conscious mind.

  The future is still so very uncertain. However, isn’t that the same for everyone else?

  Who knows which road exists before you and which one you will take tomorrow. All I can say now, as for this I’m certain, is that I know what happiness is.

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