by C. S. Dorsey
I turned around to look at her and she just grinned at me. “Sissy, why don’t you invite your friend in? Don’t make him wait outside.”
I was confused. Did she set this up without me knowing about it? But how did she get in contact with him? Maybe she talked to him while I was in another aisle getting my makeup for the dark circles under my eyes.
My mind went from one place, to another, and meanwhile, I held the door open and gestured for him to come in. He smiled and said thank you.
I closed the door and turned to look at my mom—she was looking at the television with a smile on her face. Mr. Mark was wearing a crooked smile, too, like he knew what was going on.
“How is everyone doing?”Chris said, waving at my family. Everyone said “Fine” in unison and went back to pretending like they were watching TV.
“Sissy, why don’t you fix Chris something to eat?” my mom said, staring at the TV. Subliminally she was saying, “Sissy, why don’t you and Chris go into the kitchen to catch up.” I was on to my mother’s little game. She just wanted me to be happy, and I understood that, but she needed to stop with the surprises. After this weekend, I was starting to not like surprises.
“Umm…sure…umm, follow me.” As I walked to the kitchen, I thought about all the questions I wanted to ask him. The first one was, How did he know where to find me?
As soon as we got to the kitchen, I turned around. “OK, how did you find me?” I asked in a low tone, but not quite a whisper.
He chuckled, and flashed a smile at me. Those eyes and that smile made me melt like butter, but I had to focus.
“Your mom bumped into me in the store and asked if I was the guy you were talking to. I said yeah. She said that she was watching us talk and she had never seen you look at someone the way you looked at me.” I narrowed my eyes when he said that. I could not believe she said that. I didn’t know I had a “look” on my face when I was talking with Chris—but then again, who wouldn’t? Those eyes, that smile, and the scent from his cologne were intoxicating. Just breathing it in made my head swim a hundred meters.
“She told me that she was going to have a party tonight for her mother and she would like it if I came. She said it would be good for you to have someone at the party to talk to.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I said OK, but that I’d be kind of late because I had to work. She said that was OK, so here I am,” he said, smiling at me.
I couldn’t help but smile back. I wanted to kill her, but in a strange way I was happy. I couldn’t describe it, but I was feeling funny. It felt like my heart had wings connected to it and it was going to flight out of my chest.
I just shook my head. I walked over to the refrigerator. “Do you want everything on your plate?” I asked as I opened the door, pulling some of the containers out. My mom had already packed up the food.
“No, just cake,” he said, walking over to me. I put the containers back into the fridge and closed the door. When I turned around, Chris was so close to me I thought I could hear his heart beating.
“Um…er…I…have to...get…the um…cake over there,” I said, fumbling over my words and pointing in the direction of the cake.
Our eyes were locked. I felt like I was floating on air, like there was no gravity. I blinked to break the intense concentration, and tried to maneuver around him to get to the table where the cake was. He stepped to the side.
I walked over to the table, feeling dazed. It was like I was standing on a cloud that was so light under my feet.
I grabbed a paper plate, took the knife that was still in the cake box, and began to cut a big piece. I placed the cake on the plate and, as I was cleaning up the crumbs, I felt hands around my waist. I turned around quickly, and before I could say anything, his lips were on mine and time had frozen.
Electric currents raced through my body like aggressive waves on the verge of becoming a tsunami. I felt the room spin. I placed my hand on the back of his neck, pulling his head forward so that I could have the fullness of his lips on mine. His kiss was sweet like honey, and my body was responding to the sugar, causing my blood levels to rise. I was definitely on a sugar high.
We stood there unable to pull away from each other’s embrace, so caught up with each other that we didn’t hear anyone come in the kitchen.
“Uh-huh!”We stopped and pulled away from each other when we heard the voice.
It was Mr. Mark, standing in the doorway, looking embarrassed. “Umm…sorry I walked in on you guys, I just needed some water.” He walked over to the refrigerator to get a cold bottle of water.
Chris and I stared at each other, smiling. We felt like little kids that were doing something bad, and got caught in the act.
“Oh, don’t let me interrupt,” Mr. Mark said, grinning like a Cheshire cat, sipping on his water as he walked out of the kitchen.
Chris and I looked at each other and started laughing. For the first time ever, I felt free. Chris wrapped his arms around my waist again.
“Where have you been all of my life?” I said, as I laid my head on his shoulder. Maybe I was giving in too quickly, but the connection between us at that moment was something I had never felt. It was like our hearts were magnets trying to come together, closing the space in between us. But I couldn’t help thinking, There will always be a space between us—that gap that he knows nothing about, and that is my dreaded gift.
He lifted his head up, so that our eyes could meet. Then he grabbed my chin and said, “I’ve been here. I have always been here. You just weren’t looking hard enough for me.” He kissed my neck softly and rested his head on my shoulder.
I closed my eyes as I tucked my head under his chin, brushing my lips against his neck. We were enjoying the moment, inhaling each other’s scent. It was so hypnotic, I almost fell to my feet.
It all felt so right, but deep down inside, I was afraid of how this would end. I didn’t want it to end at all, but a part of me wanted to tell him. To warn him of the things that I saw but could not control.
If I was to have a vision of Chris’s death, it would kill me.
But I wanted to be happy. I wanted to experience love…first love, for that matter. I’d talked to guys before, but it was always on a friendship level, because I knew I could not get that close. Being close to someone emotionally was out of the question. But now I wanted to be selfish. Why not?
Chris and I stood there for the longest time without saying anything. I wondered what he was thinking. I inhaled deeply as I looked in his hazel-colored eyes. “What are you thinking?” I asked.
“I’m thinking about how I never want to let you go. Sissy, I want us to build something together. I think about you so much, and now that you are here in my arms I don’t want to let go.”
I looked down, my arms still around him tight. “Then don’t let me go.”
Chapter Thirteen
“I was crying, because I knew I could never let love find me.”
I knew this could not be real happiness, because I thought it would never happen for me. I wasn’t expecting it to come like this. I didn’t want to think about the negatives. I knew they would come soon enough, I just put them in the back of my mind, to deal with when they came.
Chris and I sat at the table in the kitchen. I watched him eat his cake and talk about his future plans. When he finished his cake, I grabbed the paper plate and headed for the trash.
“I don’t want to lose you. Why don’t we move in together?” I was closing the garbage bag when I heard his words, and I froze. I couldn’t let this continue on the way it was. I know he meant well, but I was not ready for this. I was not ready to live with someone. I wanted things to go as slowly as possible.
I turned around. “Chris, as much as I would like that, I think it is too soon. I want us to see what happens, and when that time comes, we will deal with it then.” I was waiting for a disappointed look on his face, but he just looked down and then up, and gave me a smile. He got up and walked toward me.
“Whatev
er you want to do, I will do. I will wait, and we can take things slow, if you want. We can call each other and e-mail. When I have a chance, I could come up to Seattle to see you. I don’t care, as long as you’re in my life.”
He grabbed my waist and kissed me on the nose. I felt relief come over me. I wanted to be in a relationship, but I did know how to be, so this would take some time to get used to. The long-distance thing was actually better for me—it would allow me to find myself, and learn how to cope with my visions. I had to face my visions head-on and figure out how to make sense of them. I knew that they were visions of death, the people I came in contact with, but they had to have some sort of meaning beyond that.
Chris and I talked a little more, and then we headed for the door. He said he had an early shift the next day and he wanted to get some sleep. I was way past tired, too.
“I will call you. Maybe we could go out tomorrow, since it will be your last day out here?”
“I wish I could, but I really want to spend it with my mom. I’m not exactly sure when I will be back.” This was my last semester of school, and I had been debating if I was going to move back to California or stay in Washington.
Just a few days ago, I never wanted to come back, because I didn’t want to have any visions of my family—I tried for many years to avoid that. But coming back home had made me realize that I could not run and hide forever. This gift would always be a part of me. Granny did not see death in her visions like I did, but still, she managed to get through life. I could, too.
“OK. That’s cool. I understand,” he said, as we walked to the door. I couldn’t tell him about the things that I see. If our friendship turned into a relationship, one day I would tell him what he’s in for. But until then, I knew he couldn’t know. Like Granny said, no one can. It’s for the best.
As we passed, my mom turned in our direction, peeking over the couch. I smiled at her and then frowned. I mouthed the words “I’m going to get you.” She ducked her head and giggled. She was so happy for me at that moment, I just let her think whatever she wanted.
As Chris and I walked to his white Jetta, Angel ran past us like something was after him, ran up the stairs, and scratched at the door. I thought that didn’t seem like normal cat behavior, but then again this cat acted more like a human than a cat. My mom must have heard him, because she opened the door and said, “Hey, my baby, you must be hungry.” I wondered if I should tell her that I thought something was after him, but I decided not to worry her.
“So,” Chris said, turning around, his back to his car. “I guess I will talk to you later.” I could hear the pain in his voice, but I did not want to soothe it. I did not want to pacify his emotions, because I knew it would only hurt me more than him.
“Yeah, I will keep in touch. We can e-mail each other and stuff. We can work something out,” I said, giving him the real deal in a nice way. I wished I didn’t have to go through this. All my life, I’d made sure I didn’t get too close to someone, for this very reason. I’d always said goodbye before I said hello, never inviting people into my life.
A broken heart is the worst pain anyone can feel. Breaking one of your bones is painful, but it heals fast. When you have a broken heart, sometimes it can take years to heal. Like an open wound, healing on the surface but never healing at the root. Although the wound heals, the flesh underneath would never be like how it was.
“OK,” he sighed, “I will take that. At least we will still be in contact.” I smiled with a sigh of relief. It would be hard to see him off but I knew what was best for me…or did I?
He came close to me, grabbing me by the waist, pulling me forward. I did not fight him. I just went with the flow of things, seeing as how this might be the last time I saw him. He kissed me on my forehead and then my cheek, and found his way to my lips. From the passion in his kiss, I felt like this would be the last time we saw each other. Like a soldier saying goodbye to his wife before he goes off to war, not knowing if he will ever return.
I returned the gesture, placing my arms around his neck and leaning into him. I felt like the soldier’s wife, not wanting to let her husband go, knowing this would be the last time she would see him. Letting go was the hardest part, but I knew I had to do it. He wasn’t fighting a war, I was. I was fighting a war with myself, which he didn’t need to be in the middle of. I needed to find my purpose.
“Hmm, sweet like honey. I wish I could have this sugar every day,” he said, as he kissed me on the forehead again. I closed my eyes, fighting back the tears that began to force their way out.
He hugged me and said, “I will keep in touch.” I just nodded and let go.
I stood there and watched him get into his car and drive off, then watched his taillights fade into the darkness down the street. I felt something wet against my skin when the cool air breezed past my face, and realized I was crying. Wiping my eyes didn’t help much, as the tears were flowing like a waterfall.
I was one big mess.
I began to shake, like the temperature had dropped fifteen degrees. Pull yourself together. You knew something like this would happen! Why are you crying now? I thought about it. I was not crying because of Chris—I was crying because I knew I could never let love find me. But I didn’t want to hide from it. I wanted to reveal myself to it, but my visions held me back. So I let love pass me by like I wasn’t there.
I heard the door open. My family was laughing and talking as they walked out of the house, then hugged one another goodbye on the porch. I quickly wiped my eyes and turned around to find that my Granny was standing next to me. She looked up at me, and her eye narrowed as she frowned. I smiled, trying to play off the pain that I was feeling in my heart. It felt like a knife had sliced through it, and never been pulled out.
She grabbed my arm and said, “Love will only find you if you let it. You’re not letting love do its job. You’re trying to do its job for it. You need to be free in your mind and heart. Don’t let the gift that has been bestowed upon you ruin your life—just let it be a part of it.” She shook her head. “Life is only what you make of it. It is your perception of it that makes life the way it is. You have to come to terms with how you want to live it.” She hugged me and kissed me on the forehead.
I knew this was the last time I would see her beautiful face and her salty-colored hair, but I prepared myself for the outcome. It would break me and my family, especially my mom.
Chapter Fourteen
“I know everyone wants what is best for me, and I should, too.”
As I stood there saying my goodbyes to my family, I replayed over and over in my head what my Grannyhad said to me. Life is only what you make of it. It is your perception of it that makes life the way it is. So, I thought, I guess the real question is, what is my perception of life? The only answer I had was that my life was wrapped around what I have. Everything is centered on my visions, and I can’t seem to think of anything else but that. I can deal with the bad dreams and no sleep. But I cannot deal with being awake while it is happening.
I decided to do some research. Maybe if I read about what I have, I could have a better understanding. The history of the visions in my family went down the bloodline. As far as I knew, I was the only one who had the visions of death…well, besides my Granny’s great-great grandmother, but she was not around to ask questions of. I would have look into this a little deeper. After I got some sleep.
I watched everyone drive off and walked back into the house with my mom. “Some day, huh?” she said, wrapping her arms around me as we walked up the stairs. “You want to talk to me about anything?”
“No. Why do you ask?”
“You just—didn’t seem right today.”
I don’t seem right every day, I wanted to say. “No, Granny and I talked…I’m fine.”
“Mind if I ask what you talked about?” I wanted to tell my mother, but Granny had said no one must know. I wanted to be true to my word.
“Just about a lot of things going on, y
ou know, with school and everything. Granny just has a way of calming me down, that’s all.” My mother nodded her head in agreement, but she knew there was more to it than that. I would have loved to tell my mother everything from beginning to end, but I also knew she would never believe me, just like when Misty disappeared.
We went inside, and Mr. Mark was still there, sitting on the couch. My mom went in and sat next to him. She curled her legs under herself and rested her head on his arm. They looked so nice and comfortable together. I wanted to let them have their moment on the couch. But first I needed to confront my mother.
“Um, you two are so bad,” I said, narrowing my eyes at them. They turned around and looked at me with innocent looks on their faces. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” my mom said, as she gave a devilish smile.
“You know exactly what I am talking about—Chris…remember?”
“Oh, yes, him. Well…when I saw you two in the parking lot talking, you looked so…so…refreshed. You should have seen the smile on your face. It was like heaven opened up and shined down on you. You had a glow.” She paused and laughed to herself. “I like Chris. He is very mild-mannered and respectable.” Mark looked at me and then looked away with a smirk on his face. I knew he was thinking about what had taken place in the kitchen earlier. I was surprised he did not mention the PG-13 scene, which may have led up to a rated R. Who knows?
“Are you guys going to see each other again?”
“Ma, I’m leaving tomorrow. It’s hard to say when we might see each other again.”
“Well, you guys should really try. There is always a long-distance relationship, you could see if that works. Maybe he could fly out there to see you.”
I knew she wanted me to be happy, but I just could not do this right now. “We talked about all of that. We will see what happens. Just don’t get your hopes up, Ma.”