by Tasha Taylor
Resolutely screwing up the piece of paper, and rolling down the window, Nathan was just about to throw it away, when he saw Leah leave the club. Nathan watched silently, noticing the way the lamp light caught the auburn tones in her chestnut hair, as she reached up to pull it from the ponytail she had it in for the meeting. The well cut jacket she wore emphasized her slim figure, and the short skirt that matched showed her long, slim legs off to perfection as she strode quickly to the car.
As Leah’s car began to move, Nathan started his and pulled out behind her. He had to concentrate fully on his driving, whilst trying to keep up with Leah. She was obviously used to the roads and the other drivers, and Nathan felt peeved. He had always driven them around London when they had lived together. She had relied on him for a lot of things, and each new facet of her independence that he discovered, starting with her daughter, made him more determined to find out for himself just what kind of person Leah had become.
Finally, out of the city, on a dark country road, Nathan could relax the tight grip he held on the steering wheel of the Land Rover. He was a fair distance behind Leah’s car, and hoped that she wasn’t paying too much attention to what was behind her.
Nathan parked at the end of the driveway when he was sure that Leah was inside, and looked at the house. It was an old farmhouse, and had whitewashed walls and a thatched roof. With a wry smile, he remembered that this was the type of house that Leah had talked about buying when they were married.
As Nathan watched, lights came on as Leah moved from room to room drawing the curtains. This domestic routine struck a discordant tone in him, sending that ever-present feeling of missing out reverberating around his mind. Lucky bastard, he muttered, as his thoughts came to the man with whom Leah had borne a child.
Stop! Nathan gave himself a mental shake, reminding himself that he had things that only wealth like Nathan’s could buy. This man, whomever he was, was Leah’s husband, of that he had no doubt. Leah was a firm believer that children should not be born out of wedlock. But still, Nathan did not like to picture Leah sharing things with this other man that she had once shared solely with him. The more he thought about it, the sicker he felt to his stomach. He needed to have it out with her, or else he would never be able to settle.
In one movement, Nathan took the keys from the ignition and stepped out of the car. Without giving himself time to think, time to take a reality check, he strode up the driveway, and rang the doorbell.
***
Leah, shrugging on an over-sized sweater, heard the doorbell. Passing a mirror on her way downstairs, she cast a look at her appearance. Her face looked pale and drawn, and to spite herself for wasting sleep over Nathan, she hadn’t bothered to make much of an effort to cover the effects of her sleepless night.
“What a mess,” she muttered, continuing on her way, and she wasn’t just referring to her appearance. Her whole life seemed to be falling at her feet.
“Lost your key?” she asked brightly, expecting to see Louise and Pippa.
Then she saw Nathan. Her smile disappeared and her heart began to hammer as she fought to catch her breath. Leah was standing face to face with a ghost from her past on her own front doorstep. It was something she had never planned for. Her home was the one place where she did not have to maintain her cold facade, didn’t have to worry about anyone hurting her fragile heart. And now, he was here, in her safe place.
“I don’t suppose you’d like to ask an old friend in for a cup of coffee? It’s a bit nippy out here.”
“What are you doing here? How did you get my address?”
She wanted to sound forceful, get rid of him, but her voice sounded weak. She was beginning to feel any fighting spirit she possessed was dissipating fast.
“That’s not a question I usually get asked. Most people would be thrilled to have me turn up on their doorstep.”
Leah heard the narcissism in his voice, and it did not sit well with her. She remembered then why she disliked the effect fame had on people. In her eyes, any trace of humility was gone. Gone for sure was the man she had known.
“Well, I’m not most people, Nathan. I thought you would have taken the hint last night.” She spoke to him with a heart full of ice.
“I assumed it was just a surprise to you. That’s what Joe told me this afternoon.”
“You’ve spoken to Joe?” Panic rose in her. Oh God, she could feel the cloying sensation returning, stronger than ever. Everything was encroaching on her.
“I stopped by the club to see you, but you weren’t there. I had a nice chat with him instead. I also met Louise and Pippa.”
“Pippa.” At the mention of her daughter’s name from this man’s lips, she felt sick.
“She, at least, was very pleased to see me. She even gave me her phone number. Leah?”
Don’t faint, please don’t faint. How clichéd would that be? Phone numbers and fainting women. Nathan was saying her name. Leah felt anger coursing in her blood, filling every vein until she thought she would explode. How the hell he could stand there, after what he had done to her, acting as if nothing had ever happened between them?
“Go, I don’t want you here. I don’t want anything to do with you.” Her voice was as cold as ice.
“I just want to talk about us.”
“There is no us. There hasn’t been for seven years, and that’s the way I’d like to keep it,” she exclaimed, her voice trembling as she tried to control the seething anger inside her. “I don’t know what you want, Nathan. But whatever it is, you can leave me out of it.”
“What I want is a chance to talk about what happened. You left me, without any explanation. Don’t you think I deserve at least that?”
“I don’t think you deserve anything. Damn it, just leave.” Everything about him irritated her, reminding her exactly how much she hated the effect fame and fortune had on formerly decent people. And she was damn sure that she wasn’t going to put up with it on her own doorstep.
“Let me in.”
“Which part of go away don’t you understand? I don’t owe you anything, especially after the way you treated me. Now leave, or do I have to call the police?” Leah’s voice was low and warning. Her cheeks were suffused with warmth, both from her anger and from the chill wind blowing.
“What do you mean, the way I treated you?” He looked truly surprised.
How bloody conceited. He thought this was all on her. Leah was just about to tell him in no uncertain terms when she saw the headlights of a car, as it turned into her driveway. Panic bubbled in her throat; she did not want her daughter to see Nathan. The less she had to do with him, the easier it would be all round.
“Nathan, please. Leave now.” She was desperate.
“Who is it?” he asked, turning as the car came to a stop.
“Nathan.” Pippa’s voice carried through the still night.
Leah moaned. She could feel the blood drain from her face, matching the sinking feeling in her stomach; she was going under.
“Hey Pippa. Hello Joe, Louise.” Nathan greeted them with a smile.
All Leah heard was the crunch of the gravel beneath everyone’s shoes as all three of them greeted Nathan warmly, almost as though he were a seldom seen member of the family. She smiled automatically as Joe shooed Louise, Pippa and Nathan inside the house.
“How did the meeting go?” Joe asked.
“What?” The question annoyed her. She wanted to concentrate on keeping Pippa away from Nathan. Her mind raced as her thoughts took her screaming towards something she was hoping to avoid. “It was fine. They want us to do some promotion for a new beer they have coming in the New Year,” she snapped
“You okay, love?” Louise asked. “What’s Nathan doing here?”
Pippa’s sensitive ears caught the last question, and with shining eyes, she turned to her mother.
“Thank you, Mummy.” The heartfelt gratitude tore at Leah’s heart as it was followed by a loving hug. Leah closed her eyes as she hugged h
er daughter tightly, hoping and praying that they would both come out of this with their hearts intact.
“What’s this for?” she asked brightly, determined not to let Nathan see how agitated she was by his presence, and to stop any probing questions from the assembled company. Even though Louise knew briefly about her history with Nathan, she did not want to have to dredge up any memories, so intense were the feelings she was experiencing with Nathan standing in her house.
“For Nathan.”
Leah flashed Nathan a look that dared him to contradict Pippa’s belief in her mother’s magnanimity.
“I didn’t know that you had already met this afternoon.” Leah was beginning to feel that all the forces of fate and nature were ganging up against her to make her give up the one thing that she had kept to herself all these years.
“Nathan says I can get tickets for his concert, Mum.” Pippa pried herself from her mother’s arms; Leah didn’t realize she was holding her so tightly.
Pippa sat next to Nathan and a smile curled around his lips. Leah felt venom rise in her throat. What the hell was he playing at? Was he determined to get back at her through her daughter? Common sense reiterated itself, Leah firmly told herself she was being too forward in her thinking. Whatever Nathan had intended when he had knocked at her door, she had no proof that it involved Pippa. It was all about her, and from the look in Nathan’s eyes, she knew that she was going to have to deal with it.
“That’s nice. Who would like some tea?” She straightened up, and took count. “You need to go and get ready for bed, young lady. I know it’s Saturday tomorrow, but it is way past your bedtime.”
Pippa did not put on her usual show of disinterest in going to bed; she seemed almost eager.
“Can Nathan see my bedroom?”
“I’m not sure he wants to see...”
“I’d love to.” Nathan stood and took Pippa’s outstretched hand.
With a sigh, she followed them and heard Pippa’s excited chatter as she went down the hall to the kitchen. With much muttering and banging about, she went about making the tea. Nathan entered the kitchen behind Leah, making her jump.
“Damn it, do you have to sneak up on people?” she exclaimed, very on edge. “Where’s Pippa?”
“She is getting changed. I thought it only decent that I left her to it.” Nathan smiled.
“That’s probably the only decent thing you’ve done in years,” Leah mumbled, and then Nathan was standing right in front of her. She caught her breath as she looked into his dark gray eyes, smelt the subtle fragrance of his cologne, and wished that her body was not such a traitor to her heart. She imagined that he could hear the frantic tattoo her heart was beating, as if responding to an age-old rhythm caused by the close proximity of Nathan.
“What is it with you making me out to be such a fiend?”
Unable to reply, so violent were the emotions inside her, Leah felt as though she was on a roller coaster that was running out of control, straight toward a sheer drop into the unknown. Nathan seemed to coming closer and closer to her, she could see his lips part and she realized that he was about to kiss her.
A breath shuddered in Leah’s throat. She knew she should be remembering the pain he had caused her, how he had taken her fragile trust and broken it into tiny pieces. She owed it to her hard-won independence, but she knew deep down inside that she could not fight him; she did not want to get away. As much as she had tried to forget, she was still the same nineteen-year-old girl who had been desperately in love with this man, with whom she had shared so much. Her body, heart and soul.
They stood in tense silence, Nathan moving ever closer to Leah. She could feel the warmth of his shallow breath on her lips, could feel the expectant tingle of the touch of his mouth on hers, could almost taste the sweetness of his kiss.
Leah closed her eyes in readiness for the inevitable, and held her breath, until the kitchen door swung open, and in one second, the dream-like trance she was in vanished and instead she felt as if she had suddenly been bathed in ice.
“Will you tuck me in, please?” Leah realized Pippa was talking to Nathan, looking up at him with adoration in her eyes.
Leah blinked away tears of frustration. Pippa was eager for his company, willing to spend time with him, hanging on his every word, whereas she couldn’t wait to get away from him.
“Sure, if it’s okay with your mum.”
Leah was helpless to do anything to control the situation, unable to bring herself to say no, to cause Pippa pain. Pippa was her life, and her happiness was way ahead of Leah’s own. A nod was her only method of acquiescence. Leah gave a tight-lipped smile as Pippa who kissed her goodnight, and watched as she led Nathan by the hand, her pride obvious for everyone to see.
As they left the kitchen, Leah turned to face the sink to hide the tears that were threatening to tumble. She clung to the edge of the counter, hoping that it would give her the strength that being near Nathan had sapped from her, the strength that she so desperately needed to fight the battle she was sure would come.
“Are you okay?”
Louise’s voice made her jump. She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak.
“I don’t want him here, Lou. She’s going to fall in love with him and he’ll hurt her.”
“She’s a little girl who just met her hero. Let her enjoy it.”
“You don’t understand. I don’t want him to ruin her life, like he ruined mine.” The younger woman exclaimed, and began to pace the length of the room.
“How is he going to ruin your life? You’re using Pippa as an excuse so that you don’t have to deal with the past. What is it you’re scared of, Leah?”
“I told you what he did to me, how much he hurt me.”
“Yes, you did. And if you are over him, I can’t see what threat he could possibly be to you?” Louise’s questions were pushing at those locked doors, and Leah didn’t know how long she could keep everything barricaded up; she felt so weak.
“He’ll find out,” Leah’s whisper was one of pure desperation, and tears began to fall from her sad eyes.
“What, sweetheart? What is it?”
Leah took a deep breath to stop her tears, but the pressure of keeping her secret for all those years finally broke down every door, and as the tears fell in earnest, the words came.
“Nathan’s is Pippa’s dad.”
She sobbed into a tea towel, her back to Louise. If she was going to lose it, she didn’t want anyone to see.
The kitchen door opened quietly; Leah looked up and froze. Nathan stood in the doorway. Her heart stopped for a second, before it resumed hammering in her chest, and she hastily wiped away any tears that lingered on her cheeks. She was struck again by the cold malevolence she felt in his stare. Had he heard her confession to Louise?
“Where’s my tea? A man could die gasping.” Great, now Joe joined the party. She wanted to be alone.
“Oh, that’s it. You two women have been gossiping.” Joe placed a hand on Nathan’s shoulder. “Why don’t you and I go down to the pub and let these two get on with it?”
“I was about to make a move. I think I’ve had enough excitement for one night. Pippa’s just about worn me out with questions.”
“Pressures of being a pop star, eh?” Joe slapped Nathan on the back.
“It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it,” Nathan joked. Leah didn’t see any humor, only self-congratulation and smugness.
He hadn’t spoken to her, but Leah knew that his next words were meant just for her.
“Well, thanks for a fun evening. I’ll see you later.”
Leah felt a sense of relief as she silently saw all three of them to the front door, waving goodbye, no smile.
Hugging herself, Leah returned to the kitchen in a dazed state and sat down at the table. Her thoughts came slowly, dragging themselves out as if stuck in a patch of tar. It was too much of an effort to make sense of anything that had happened that evening, it hurt her head too much
, and she could not even begin to describe how heavy her heart felt.
She lay her head in her arms on the kitchen table, and let her mind drift, slowly falling asleep, remembering Nathan’s cold promise, “I’ll see you later,” and she didn’t have any strength left to banish the thought from her mind.
Chapter Three
Leah woke at four o’clock that morning, with a sharp pain in her neck and a splitting headache from sleeping hunched over the kitchen table. She still felt as though her head was a tar pit; thick, black, sticky thoughts all squashed together, making goo of her mind. She wanted to clear her mind, to take stock of all that happened earlier, but she could hardly stand, let alone sort out her life. Leah dragged herself upstairs and fell into bed, fully clothed, and found herself dreaming a dream that she hadn’t had since she was pregnant with Pippa.
Leah found herself in a stark white hospital room, standing in the corner. There was a young girl in the hospital bed, silent and unmoving. There was a puppy and a rat in the opposite corner. They were barking and squeaking at each other.
Moving slowly to the bed, she looked at the young girl, recognized herself, pale, and still. Leah opened her mouth to cry out, but nothing came out - no sound at all. The puppy and the rat were still making noises, but the sounds had formed in to words.
“It’ll ruin you. You can’t stay here, think of your career.” The voice belonged to Justin, Nathan’s manager, who had taken on the appearance of a wizened old rat, with a long, pointy nose, long whiskers and beady little eyes.
Leah looked at the puppy, who was had adoring eyes turned up to Justin the Rat, his tongue flopping to the side of his mouth as he listened attentively to Justin’s words.
“You need to call off the wedding. No wedding.”
“No wedding,” Nathan panted.
“No!” Leah screamed silently, the only person to hear her was the girl in the bed. She met Leah’s gaze and smiled the smile of the dead.