Never My Girl (Always, Maybe, Never Book 3)

by S. Herrera

  “Does that happen often?” I know close to nothing about babies.

  He stops mid step to look at me before answering, “Only every time we think she’s settled into a new sleeping schedule. She is like a tiny sleep terrorist.”

  Not knowing what to say, I nod and push open door. Apparently, we both had the same idea to take the stairs over the elevator since there likely won’t be much time to fit in a workout this weekend. We take the first few floors in silence.

  My mind is back in the room with Sawyer, and I’m completely lost in my own thoughts when Knox’s voice breaks through.

  “Do you regret it?”

  I look at him in confusion and stop on a stair, “Do I regret what?”

  “Giving up baseball.”

  “Sometimes.” I rub at my jaw, choosing my words carefully. “I miss the game, the team, the cheers of the crowd. But sports medicine is where my heart is. Making sure guys like you keep their arm healthy and have the best chance at recovery after an injury.”

  Knox stiffens but nods in understanding before continuing down the stairs and out the door to the lobby floor. Neither of us says another word as we get in line at the hotel’s coffee shop.

  I wait as Knox orders three drinks, each one more complicated than the last. And one chocolate muffin for Emmy. “And whatever he’s getting,” he gestures to me while both him and the barista watch me expectantly.

  “No, that’s alright.”

  “I insist, my treat.” He gestures again, telling me to speed it up.

  With the barista still staring at me, waiting, I give her our order, “Two double-shot americanos with room for cream, please.”

  She nods and I take a step back while Knox pays, and she starts on our coffees. He then comes to stand at the end of the counter with me.

  “Is it hard for you? To go the games and live in the sport during the season.” I keep my eyes trained on the coffee-stained counter, waiting for our drinks to appear. Waiting for his answer.

  “It’s torture.” He says and for a moment I think that’s all I’m going to get. “But then I remember that I love my job and I’m pretty damn great at it. And when I look at my family, I know that I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

  Just as our coffees are being placed on the counter, I drag my eyes away to look at Knox. But he gives nothing away reaching for the drink carrier and bag. Leaving one lone coffee on the counter, that was thankfully one I’d ordered.

  I follow Knox back up to our floor where he hands me the coffee for Sawyer, and we agree to meet up for breakfast when the women are up and moving.

  Breakfast was amazing. After starting our morning almost an entire hour late, we all met in Knox and Everly's room to head for down the hotel restaurant. Thankfully, I wasn't alone in my sleep deprived state, only mine had nothing to do with a sleepless baby. And everything to do with a restless Wyatt.

  When everyone is finished, we split up to finish getting ready so we can walk over to the stadium, which is basically right across the street.

  It's a short walk, but there are already groups of people decked out in their team gear waiting to go in. We are among the minority wearing our orange and blue Houston stuff, but we wear it with pride and the name NASH written across our backs.

  “I can't wait for the for the food. The popcorn. The hot dogs.” Even I can hear the dreamy tone in my voice. But I love baseball concessions.

  Wyatt laughs, shaking his head and giving me a goofy grin that I would love to kiss right off his face. Which I would definitely do if we weren't in the middle of a line on a Baltimore sidewalk, of course.

  “I'm right there with you!” Everly says. I can always count on her when it comes to food.

  “I can't wait to see number forty out on the field in his baseball pants.” Charlotte says from behind Everly, with Emmy in her arms. I swear she's got hearts in her eyes.

  This time it's Knox that laughs, “I'm telling Wren you only married him for his butt.”

  “What's wrong with that?” Everly asks, keeping a straight face. “That's why I married you.” Then she pinches his butt and I swear my brother jumps a foot off the ground.

  We all laugh as Knox presents our tickets and we make our way into the stadium and through the halls until we find our seats. We get everyone situated before Everly, Charlotte and I go to get snacks.

  The stadium is packed full of fans, quite a bit more compared to the Duke games I’ve gone to. I haven’t been to a major league game since I was in middle school when I would travel with Dad to visit clients during the summer.

  “I’m really glad you guys decided to come.” Everly smiles brightly, genuine happiness radiating from her.

  “Me too.” I’m surprised by how much I actually mean it.

  If someone would have told me a few years ago, or even this time last year, that I would be here today, I would have laughed in their face. I couldn’t have ever imagined that I would be standing in a concession line at a baseball game with Everly and Charlotte. Let alone taking a road trip with them, my brother, and my boyfriend.

  But I’m so grateful that I am. They have welcomed me into their circle like it was the most natural thing to do. Like I always belonged here. And for me, the girl who always felt like she was just floating around with no real place in the world…It means everything.

  When we finally make it back to our seats with food, the game is starting. I get real enjoyment out of watching Charlotte hoot and holler for Wren. She even trash talks the other team a few times. It’s a fun and competitive side of her that I’ve never experienced.

  Jumping up out of my seat, I cheer as one of Wren’s teammates hits an out of the park home run. When I sit back down in my seat Wyatt leans in so close that I can feel the brush of his lips on my ear as he speaks.

  “Why is it that I only ever see you wearing a name and number that isn’t mine?” He sits back and tugs on the orange jersey I’m wearing. The one that has Nash and the number forty written across the back.

  “Maybe because you’ve never given me one of yours. And don’t forget whose name you’re also wearing today.” This time I crowd his space, giving him a kiss on the cheek.

  Wyatt turns his face and kisses me on the lips before I pull away. “We’ll just have to fix that then.”

  I smile, noticing the gleam in his eyes. I wonder if he is thinking about me wearing nothing but his jersey for him like I am.

  “Wyatt, if you don’t stop looking at my sister like that—” Knox starts before Everly cuts him off.

  “What are you going to do Knox? You have your daughter sitting on your lap playing in a bag of popcorn that you let her feed you because it makes her giggle. Face it, honey. You are a dad now and it’s made you soft.” She pats his leg reassuringly, but the look on his face says it’s anything but.

  Instead of arguing, my brother turns his attention back to the field and lets Emmy feed him another piece of popcorn from her bag.

  The sight is the most adorable yet disgusting thing I’ve ever seen.

  After two full days of baseball, it’s time for us to head home. Our bags are packed, and the guys are loading them up as we grab coffee and a quick breakfast before we hit the road.

  While we are waiting in line, Emerson tries to wiggle free from Everly’s arms, squealing and fussing the entire time. “Here,” I hold out my arms for Emmy, “I’ll take her out to the lobby and let her move her legs a bit before we go.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course!” Emmy squeals again, waving her little arms and reaching for me. “Plus, it means that I don’t have to repeat your complicated drink order.” I joke and quickly tell her what to order for Wyatt and me.

  Once Emmy and I are far enough away from the line, I put her down and take hold of her hand. She tries to pull away a few times before accepting her fate of holding my hand and walks as fast as ger tiny legs will take her towards the door. I tug gently, steering her back to the middle of the lobby, which is working
great until Knox and Wyatt walk through the door.

  Emerson sees them and stumbles over her own unsteady feet trying to get to them. She yells for her Dada and something that sounds like she's trying to say Wyatt.

  Knox crosses the lobby in a few longs strides to get to his daughter, lifting her up into the air before holding her close. “Are you ready to go home, little one?”

  Emmy giggles and the sound brings a smile to my face.

  When Wyatt stands next to me and wraps his arm around my waist, I lean into him. I’m exhausted from our long weekend adventure, but still so content. My heart is full, and I can feel that this is a turning point for us.

  The part where we become something... more.

  Before I can over think it any further, Knox's deep voice breaks through my thoughts. “Let's load up. Everly and Charlotte should be out any minute.”

  Wyatt and I follow him out to the car and climb into the very back seat while he buckles Emmy into her seat. The giggles are gone and now replaced with a little girl who would much rather be running and playing than strapped in.

  When the girls get back, they pass out coffees and muffins, and then we hit the road. I get cozy, cuddling up to Wyatt in the seat and letting my thoughts pick up where they left off. Realizing that I'm not quite as scared as I was before. That I want to give myself in to whatever this could grow into.

  I can see a real future with Wyatt and that should make me want to run. But here, with him, is the only place that I want to be.

  Snuggling in deeper to his chest, I send a text to my mom letting her know we are on our way home. Then I give myself permission to stop analyzing what all this means and just enjoy it.

  My phone buzzes in my hand, and I swipe the screen to unlock it. I expect to see my mom's name and a reply from her.

  Instead, I see his.

  Erik.

  Erik: I'll be home soon.

  Home?

  What does he mean by home? North Carolina? Or maybe he means Pennsylvania?

  That’s just wishful thinking on my part. He means home. Raleigh.

  And if the first text doesn’t have me spiraling enough, he sends a second.

  Erik: Can’t wait to see you.

  “Everything okay?” Wyatt leans down and presses a soft kiss to my forehead, and I want to cry.

  Shutting off my phone, I lean forward and drop it in my bag on the floor. “Yeah,” I push the word out and force a smile. “Everything’s great.”

  chapter thirteen

  Life has been crazy since we got back from Baltimore. Between both of our class loads for summer term and her taking on shifts at the coffee shops, our time together mainly consists of sleeping in the same bed. So, I’ve been staying at her place most nights in order to gain a few extra hours with her.

  Our lack of time together isn’t the only thing that’s changed since we got back. I thought the trip had been a turning point in our relationship.

  For the better.

  But something else changed from the time we got in that car and when we made it back to Durham that same afternoon. Sawyer's been acting different, almost like she's distancing herself from me. The few times we’ve left her place together, she seems distracted or paranoid, constantly looking over her shoulder.

  I feel like I’m overanalyzing everything about her and our relationship these days. But there’s definitely something going on with her, I just don’t know what that something is.

  I can’t help but replay her comments on the drive when Charlotte asked her if she saw herself having kids.

  Oh god no. Could you imagine… I just don’t think that I’m the type to get married and pop out a bunch of babies.

  It isn’t so much about her not wanting those things, but more about just how uncertain our future together really is.

  The path to my career, whether it’s team trainer or doctor, only gets crazier as I go. I’ve got at least another ten to twelve years of school. Once I finish med school and start my residency, I’ll be around less and less.

  Will she want to follow me to wherever I go for med school and residency? I won’t be able to take much, if any, time off, and Sawyer wants to travel, go visit new places. She can’t do that with me, not for years anyway. As much as I want her in my life, maybe she would be better off with someone whose life isn’t so planned out, someone who can give her the life that she might want.

  “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

  “Where did that come from?” Sawyer closes her textbook and pulls her feet from my lap. She tucks them underneath her as she scoots to my side on the couch.

  “I was just wondering.” I shrug as though I’m not over here spiraling while waiting for her answer.

  She presses her body closer into mine, resting her head on my shoulder. “I don’t know. Probably teaching Emmy all sorts of bad habits.” Sawyer chuckles.

  I force a laugh, but that still doesn’t answer my question. When I don’t say anything, she looks up at me, studying my face. Whatever she sees there must prompt her to think and really answer my question this time.

  “I don’t know. Probably entering the graduate program once I decide what I want to do. Maybe do a little bit of traveling. What about you?”

  “In five years, I will be in med school and applying for a residency that could take me anywhere. I’ve got a lot of years left of school ahead of me, and I understand if you don’t want to keep living in this limbo of hardly seeing each other. Especially knowing it will only get worse.”

  Sawyer sits up again, putting some space between us. “Okay. Seriously, Wyatt. Where is this all coming from?”

  “I don’t know, Sawyer. Sometimes I wonder if we’re going to end up wanting different things, and the more time we spend together will only make it hurt that much worse when we realize it.” I instantly wish I could take back those words when I see the hurt on her face as she registers them.

  “What is that supposed to mean? Are you worried about me or yourself?” Her voice is calm and even.

  “Both.”

  “Really? Because right now it feels like you’re the one having doubts.” She abruptly stands from the couch, then she crosses her arms and paces the living room.

  “Sawyer…” I start, but suddenly stop as I realize I don’t have anything to say. Her assumption isn’t entirely wrong.

  I do have doubts, but they’re mostly about myself and how she will feel about possibly putting parts of her life on hold as she waits around for me…

  Sawyer stops pacing and faces me. Her eyes, filled with accusation, are boring into me. “Is this about what I said about not seeing myself having kids and getting married?”

  Oh, and that.

  I press my lips together in a firm line, not wanting to dig this hole any deeper. I didn’t intend for our conversation to go this far. I mean, maybe I did, but not right now.

  Only, not knowing what is going on with her has been driving me crazy. I wish she would just talk to me about it, but I know if I ask her, it will only make things worse.

  “Why didn’t you just ask me about it?”

  “Because this,” I motion between us, “is still pretty new. I didn’t want to scare you by bringing it up. Then we would have to have the residency conversation and you might have realized you didn’t want to be stuck with that.” I run my fingers through my hair, regretting bringing this up in the first place.

  “Wyatt,” she says my name softly as she comes to sit back on the couch next to me. “I can’t say that I’ve thought that far in the future. I’ve mostly been living day to day, just dreaming about the possibilities. But you know that’s who I am as a person. Just like I always knew this was your plan, your dream. I wasn’t blind going into this, but I’m not expecting anything more either.”

  “Well, what if I am?”

  This time it’s her turn to stay silent. She nervously bites her lip and drags her sad eyes up to mine. And I know her answer.

  “I’m not asking you to marr
y me or have my babies, Sawyer. Not now, not in the next five or maybe even ten years. But it would be nice to know it’s still on the table for someday.”

  “And if I can’t promise you anything more than to give this everything that I can... to cross every bridge when we get there… then what?” Sawyer watches me for a long moment, waiting.

  I drop my head into my hands. She’s right. I know that she is.

  I can’t see myself having kids, at least not in the next ten years. At that rate, is it worth giving up a chance at a life with Sawyer? Marriage though… I’ve always dreamed of a love and partnership like my parents. But is a piece of paper really what makes those things true?

  When I look back to Sawyer, she’s nervously picking at her nails. I reach out, taking her hands in mine.

  “Wyatt—”

  “It’s okay.” He interrupts me, but I keep going because he needs to hear this.

  “No, it’s not. I need to say this.” I take a deep breath, building up the courage. “I’m not scared of the hard, crazy, or busy parts that may come. But I couldn’t live with myself if I’m the reason you don’t have the life you’ve always pictured. I’m giving you an out. We end this now and maybe we can find our way back to being friends.”

  It hurt to say the words, but I would do it for Wyatt. Let him go now so I don’t have to hurt him later. And part of it’s me being selfish. If I get to have him for much longer, I’m not sure I could ever let him go.

  I should tell him about Erik. I'm sure he's noticed the changes in me. It's one of the reasons things have been harder lately.

  I'm just out of sorts and want everything to go back to the way it was.

  Lost in my thoughts, I jump a little when Wyatt loops his arm around my shoulder and pulls me into his side. Into my place. I want melt into him and confess everything I've been keeping from him. But I don't, I can’t.