Kingdom of Lies (Imp Series Book 7)

by Debra Dunbar

  The dragon tilted his head. “Spam. I don’t know. I do like to chase my food. This method of dining sounds rather lazy.”

  I made a pfft noise. “Kings do not chase their food; they have underlings do that for them. Shouldn’t you have the humans catch and prepare your food, then serve it to you on a timetable of your choosing? It would be a fitting thing for a dragon to be waited upon like a proper regent.”

  Greed and pride. It made me wonder why we hadn’t gone to hang out with these dragons when we’d been banished from Aaru instead of choosing to stay in Hel.

  “Quite right,” the dragon said. “Then that is my offer. The dead, and broken buildings and statuary, plus the safe return of the humans as long as I am guaranteed a regular delivery of Spam in the amount I request.”

  I knew the angels wouldn’t go for it, but this was a step in the right direction. “Let me convey your offer to the angels. I will return with their answer as soon as possible.”

  He nodded. “Will you tell me this story of violent romance that ends with your receiving angel wings upon a mutually acceptable resolution?”

  “You have my word.” I turned to leave and then hesitated. Damn museum. I could never find my way around the place. “Um, do you mind if I take the front door?”

  “You may use the front door,” the dragon replied, more than a hit of pompousness in the words.

  “Wonderful.” I turned back around. “And do you mind showing me exactly where the front door is?”

  Chapter 29

  What in Aaru possessed you to attempt to kill a dragon single-handedly?”

  Gregory was pissed, alternating between stomping around my dining room and jabbing a finger at my chest. He was looking rather bedraggled for an angel, but I didn’t have time to ask him about his appearance when I needed to defend my actions.

  “I thought it was Avarnak and didn’t realize it was a dragon until I’d already made commitments to the humans. I tried to get a hold of you but got your voicemail and thought this was an urgent situation. Believe me, I would have rather waited for you. Fuck, if I’d known it was a dragon, I would have blown the whole thing off entirely and let you deal with it.”

  None of that seemed to make Gregory less angry. “While you were in London, I was up in the fourth circle of Aaru, helping fend off an attack by your demon friend.”

  I was assuming he meant Avarnak, although that demon wasn’t my friend. He wasn’t even what I’d call a casual acquaintance. “Avarnak attacked Aaru? How did he get up there? Did you all kill him?”

  “Yes. I don’t know. No.” Gregory stopped poking me in the chest and went over to look in the fridge. “Where’s your vodka?”

  “In the freezer.” I waited until he had the bottle in hand before continuing. “Can you elaborate? What happened with Avarnak in Aaru? And why didn’t you let me know before you took off?”

  The angel took a few swigs of my precious beverage then made a face. “I had no time. Besides you, no demon has entered Aaru since the war. I didn’t expect it, didn’t even realize he could get there.”

  Neither did I. Teleportation wasn’t a skill many demons had. My ability hadn’t come until I had wings, and even then it wasn’t easy to master. For a mid-level greed demon to suddenly be granted that ability, let alone be able to use it with enough accuracy to gain entrance to Aaru... it was unbelievable.

  “He showed up and immediately attacked. He’d killed twenty angels by the time Rafi, Gabe, and I got there, and as soon as we began to get the upper hand, he pulled out.”

  Twenty angels. I doubted I could take one without the element of surprise or the Iblis weapon. Twenty.

  “Are you tracking him? Where did he go?”

  Gregory eyed the vodka, as if considering another drink. “Here. Somewhere among the humans. We lost the trail.”

  I removed the vodka from his hands and took a swig. Might as well before he drank the whole thing. “So, when Avarnak left his message with Beatrix, he must have meant to claim Aaru.”

  “The whole time he was screaming about how it was all his, and that the angels needed to vacate Aaru or he would kill them all.” Gregory shook his head. “I would have laughed if he hadn’t already killed twenty angels.”

  Crazy. “So you guys are just going to wait for him to attack again? This time you’ll be better prepared.”

  “I’m sure it will be soon. He made sure to tell us he’d be back to claim what was his once he became stronger.”

  I had a vision of Avarnak lifting weights then realized what the demon meant. Had that idiot not realized he no longer had the gem? He was going to be one pissed-off greed demon once he found out. Without using another charge on himself and raising his power levels even further, Avarnak had no hope of taking Aaru.

  Unfortunately, that meant he’d probably take his insanity-fueled anger out on the humans here. I told Gregory this, and he snatched the vodka from my hands, sticking the bottle back in the freezer.

  “I’ll go kill the dragon, then, when I come back, we’ll find Avarnak before he can cause too much damage and kill him.”

  That was an awful lot of killing talk for an angel. “I’m all for dusting Avarnak, but you can’t kill the dragon. We’re in the middle of a mediation, and attacking him now would be really bad form.”

  “You’re negotiating? With a dragon?”

  Maybe we should get the vodka out again. “Yeah. I wasn’t sure how to kill him. He would’ve kicked my ass. And I couldn’t just walk out after I pretty much promised the humans I’d take care of it.”

  “Dragons don’t negotiate.”

  “This one does. He stated his initial position, his claim. I communicated the position I knew you would take. He has compromised considerably and made a counter offer.”

  Gregory ran a hand through his hair and eyed the freezer. “What is this counter offer?”

  “He’ll give up the Parthenon shit and all the broken sculptures and building pieces from the museum as well as the humans he’s claimed for dinner. In return, he gets the museum itself and the rest of its contents plus he receives regular deliveries of SPAM.”

  “That’s unacceptable. He needs to leave and not with any of the museum contents or humans. Otherwise I’ll kill him.”

  Damn Gregory and his ‘it’s my way or the highway’ attitude. “You know it’s really crappy to refuse to budge at all when in mediation. For fuck sake, a dragon compromised. You certainly can.”

  Gregory scowled. “All right. He leaves, and he can take the Sutton Hoo helmet with him. I’ve always hated that thing.”

  Random Woman was going to shit a brick. “Why can’t he stay here? Dragons are totally the in thing right now. Think what he’ll do for London tourism.”

  “He would eat the tourists.”

  That was definitely a possibility. “So you add that clause into the counter offer. But you need to make a counter offer. He’s waiting for a response.”

  Gregory folded his arms across his chest. “I don’t negotiate with dragons.”

  “That’s why I’m doing it. I’m a demon. We’ll bargain with anyone. So, how about residence in the museum alternating centuries. No killing or eating humans. Any attempted theft of his hoard must be dealt with through us. Oh, and the humans get to pick two exhibit rooms of stuff to have back in addition to the aforementioned crap.”

  “I don’t negotiate with dragons. And you do not negotiate on my behalf.”

  Stubborn blockhead of an angel. “So you end negotiations and go in with your sword ready for battle. Guess what happens then? The museum and all of its contents are destroyed, and hundreds of humans die. The British are going to be pissed. They’ll hold a grudge for thousands of years, and you don’t want those dudes on your bad side. Plus, you’re going to have to do four-nine-five reports for all the humans killed, and I’m not going to help you.”

  Gregory frowned. I took it as a good sign and went ahead and played my trump card. “While you’re busy killing the giant lizard,
Avarnak will probably sneak back to Aaru and kill a bunch more angels.”

  “No, he won’t. You have the gem. He won’t be back until he has more power, which he can’t get. He’ll just have a tantrum here, which I’ll deal with when I’ve killed the dragon.”

  “You’re doing the reports for the humans Avarnak kills as well. I’m pretty sure he’ll continue to attack even without the gem. He’s crazy, and he wants Aaru. Instead of going into full-on battle with you all, he’ll just pull some guerilla warfare and rush in and out with short sneak attacks.”

  Gregory eyed the freezer again. “He’ll do that anyway while you and I are busy negotiating. I don’t see what the demon has to do with the dragon.”

  “I’ve got an idea, one that will end up with Avarnak dead and happy smiles all around—well, except for Random Woman. All I need you to do is to negotiate in good faith with the dragon and to keep an open mind. Things have changed a lot since the last time they were here.”

  The angel shook his head, but there was a hint of a smile at the edge of his mouth. “I must truly be lovesick to be putting all of this in the hands of an imp.”

  I grinned, knowing I’d won. “Trust me, baby. I’ll make it all good.”

  My feet felt like lead as I climbed the stairs, absolutely hating the fact I had no one else to perform this task. Nils was a Fallen Angel, but he was still an angel. That asshole cleaning my stable was most definitely still an angel. Terrelle was knee-deep in brownies right now.

  That left Nyalla.

  I paused outside her door and knocked before entering. She and Beatrix were sitting on her bed with Nyalla’s hundreds of travel brochures spread out everywhere.

  “I have your first assignment,” I told her, worrying that this might also be her last assignment.

  Her eyes sparkled. “What?”

  Deep breath, deep breath. She could do this, and there honestly wasn’t anyone else I could ask. Avarnak wouldn’t trust an angel, or a werewolf, and Nyalla knew enough about demons to tiptoe her way around this crazy one.

  “I need you to go to Sharpsburg and find a demon—this Avarnak we’re hunting. Keep track of him, but don’t draw any attention to yourself. I’ll need you get a written message to him, but without getting caught. I’ll give you the wand, just in case. Maybe you should take an elf-net too. And the fireball launcher.”

  “What? Not the chicken wand?” Nyalla teased.

  That was probably a good idea. No demon could resist the chicken wand. Worst-case scenario, she could just throw the wand and run away. Perfect distraction. “Yeah, take the chicken wand.”

  “How do you know he’s in Sharpsburg?” Beatrix asked. “And why don’t you just send a bunch of angels after him?”

  “I’m trying to kill two birds with one gem. And he’s in Sharpsburg because that’s where the wild gate is that leads to Aaru. Avarnak can’t teleport. That’s how he got to the fourth circle. That’s how I got to Aaru before I got my wings.”

  I figured given his obsession, he’d want to hang near the gate to make sneak attacks. Besides, the idiot was probably looking around Antietam Battlefield trying to find where he’d dropped the gem.

  “What does the note say?” Nyalla asked.

  “That I have the gem, and a dragon in London has made me a very sweet offer for it. If he can top it, he should meet me in the currency exhibit at the British Museum.”

  I got a piece of Nyalla’s seashore-themed stationary and began to write.

  “I hope you know what you’re doing,” Beatrix commented, shaking her head.

  I hoped so too.

  Chapter 30

  I desperately wanted to teleport right into the black van just to see if I could cause a cardiac event, but Gregory refused. He also refused to walk through the crowd with his wings revealed, even though I begged very nicely. Not that it mattered. Every human we passed turned to watch the angel with an expression of bemused awe. Figures. He gets adoration; I get an assault rifle stuffed into my face.

  One nice thing about having Gregory with me was that we strolled right past all the armed SWAT dudes. He also opened the van door for me with a wave of his hand.

  Show off.

  “I’m back,” I announced. The same four people were in the vehicle as before, making me wonder if they ever got breaks. Maybe someone had pizza delivered for them.

  I didn’t get the desired heart attacks, so they must have seen us coming through the crowd, or one of the SWAT guys had recovered his composure enough to announce our arrival. What I did get was a whole lot of bugged-out eyeballs and dropped jaws. The priest’s knees hit the van floor with a crack, and he clasped his hands together thanking some deity for answering his prayers.

  He wasn’t talking about me, ungrateful asshole. I’m the one who showed up to help them, who got burned to a crisp, who opened up negotiations with a fire-breathing dragon. Me. And Gregory gets the “thank-the-merciful-whatever-you’re-here” routine.

  Gregory didn’t help the situation. The angel smiled beatifically then raised one hand like he was parting the Red Sea or something. “This dragon’s presence will not be tolerated here. Rest assured we will rid you of this menace.”

  Angels. So. Fucking. Annoying. “Whoa there, John Wayne. Don’t go making promises you can’t keep.” I turned to the three humans who were not kneeling and groveling before the angel. “We’re in negotiations. So far the dragon has agreed to give up the hostages unharmed and return the mummies, Elgin Marbles and all the broken statuary and stuff. We’re working from there.”

  “The Sutton Hoo helmet?” Random Woman asked, her voice breathy with worry.

  I pointed to Gregory. “He already offered it to the dragon. Sorry.”

  Maybe that would change their minds a bit about how glorious the angel was, at least in comparison with me. It did change Random Woman’s opinion. She didn’t exactly shit a brick, but constipated was a good descriptor of the expression on her face.

  “Don’t worry,” I patted her on the shoulder. “I’ll see if I can trade it back for the crown jewels or something.”

  She didn’t look any happier at that idea. I think she was secretly wishing I’d trade one of the humans for the helmet instead.

  “Okay, time for this angel to get to work.” I turned to Gregory. “You stay here and discuss vibration patterns with your newest admirer, while I go face a fiery death to help save the human race.”

  For additional drama, I teleported from the van, appearing in the ceramics exhibit—far enough away from the dragon that I didn’t startle him.

  “Mr. Dragon! I’ve returned with an answer from the angels. There’s one outside, so this back and forth thing shouldn’t drag on for decades. Hopefully anyway. Dealing with angels never seems to be a quick process.”

  I didn’t hear a response, but followed the scent of sulfur, carefully making my way through the currency exhibit and into the main entrance area of the museum.

  The atrium was a multi-story marble-floored area with wide exits along the edges to the various sections of the museum. At least, I think it was. It had been over a decade since I’d been here, and the dragon appeared to have done some redecorating within the last twenty-four hours. I wasn’t sure whether the chunks of marble and granite littering the floor used to be support columns or were ancient bits from exhibits. I hoped the latter, or the roof would probably come down with a strong gust of wind.

  The dragon was curled up in the middle of the giant room, coin, jewelry, gold and gem-encrusted sculptures in little piles around him. I couldn’t see any of the human hostages but assumed they were wedged between the dragon and the back wall.

  I’m not particularly skilled when it comes to lying, but I was hoping I’d improved because this was going to be a whopper.

  “The angels say you can have everything in this museum including the humans but you need to go back to your home within the next two hours and never return.”

  I ducked behind a pillar to avoid the burst of fire
that came my way. There was a muffled sound of humans screaming, and I realized they were somewhere behind the dragon. Shit, I hoped he wasn’t sitting on them.

  “Unacceptable! There’s no way I can move all this in two hours. It would take me nearly that long to fly back to the gate I arrived through, let alone transport all of my treasure.”

  I snuck a quick glance out from behind the pillar. “Actually, the angels closed that gate already.”

  There was more fire, although this burst was smaller. “How do they expect me to return? This is ridiculous. There’s no way I can continue to negotiate with these angels.”

  “Now, now.” I came out from my shelter, hoping he was done with the flamethrowing. “No one expects you to accept the first few offers on the table. I’ll help you regroup and make a counter offer. Eventually we’ll come to a position that is mutually satisfactory.”

  The dragon scowled, black and grey smoke billowing from his nostrils. “Fine. The angels provide me with a gate. I take all the goods in the museum as well as the structure itself, and the humans. But I get to come back every century for a twenty-four-hour raid.”

  I knew Gregory would never go for it but found myself wondering how he was expected to move an entire building across dimensions. Ripping it from the foundations was bound to cause serious structural damage. I doubt the dragon would actually want it given the condition after transport.

  “Okay. I’ll convey your offer. Oh, I almost forgot—they mentioned they particularly want the Sutton Hoo helmet back.” That should score me some points with Random Woman. I get the feeling she was more concerned about the contents of the museum than the hostages.

  “That nasty old helmet? Why would they want such a thing? It’s rusted and damaged. It’s not at all attractive. Maybe if the whole thing were gold, and it had some emeralds and rubies on it, it would be worth keeping.” The dragon waved a clawed leg. “They can have it. And the dead humans too. I don’t want those things.”