"You will. I know so, because you would make a good daddy like you're a good uncle. I don't mind sharing. Mommy says we're supposed to share our things, so I will share my uncle. Can I go to sleep now," she asks dramatically. "It's past my bedtime and I'm tired."
I laugh and kiss her forehead as I continue to rub her arm, turning off the bedside light with my free hand. "Of course you can, beautiful."
"I love you, Uncle Haddox. Sweet dreams."
My chest hurts. She's getting older. Four years has passed quickly it seems like. That's the first time she's ever told me she loves me. "I love you too, Mags."
I'm starting to understand the different forms of love. There is a slight difference each time you feel it for someone different. My love for Piper consumes me, makes me a better man, and strengthens me. Without her I would be nothing. I would still be the same dark man full of guilt and hatred, barely getting by day by day. I'd still be walking around as nothing but a hollow man. I need her. She is my air, she holds the key to my heart, and she owns me completely. I will do anything for her. She saved me.
Only a few minutes have passed and Maggie's breathing is slow and even. The hall light is shining through the crack of the door just enough that I can see her face as she sleeps peacefully. I stop rubbing her arm and hold her tiny hand in the palm of mine, studying it. She is the most amazing creation. She is beautiful.
I blink and a tear falls. I created one of these, a part of her and a part of me. We heard the heartbeat... If I kill my part I'm killing hers too...and she is too beautiful to even consider it. If I let her go through with this it's no different than driving a stake through my own heart...and hers.
Another tear falls. I let it. No one is here to judge me but Maggie. Kids are the least judgmental people there are. I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can kill my own baby, our baby. I can do a lot of things...but that I can't do. Most importantly, I can't take that away from Piper. When you choose to love another, sometimes you have to sacrifice things, but also in that you shouldn't make your partner sacrifice for you.
Piper and I are standing at a fork in the road, trying to decide which way to go. In one sense I'm glad that we're here, because now I know exactly how much she loves me. If I'm telling her to go left and she wants to go right, I know that she's still willing to go left for me even if there is a huge sign labeled, wrong way. No one has ever loved me, until her. It's not in me to take anything away from her...not even if it scares the shit out of me.
"She's pregnant isn't she?"
I swipe the tear running down my cheek and look at Kaitlyn standing in the doorway. I nod. She waves me toward her. "Let's go talk this out. I know you. There are probably things that you need to be told."
I stand, but lean forward to kiss Maggie on the forehead as I place her hand on the mattress. As I reach the door Kaitlyn moves aside to let me pass and shuts the door behind her. I follow her to the kitchen. There are two cups of coffee sitting side by side and one cup of hot chocolate. The woman remembers everything. I thought I was going to have to force the coffee down not to hurt her feelings.
I place my hands in my pockets and sit down on the opposite side of her and Marlin, sliding down in my seat. "How far along is she?"
Marlin looks between the two of us as if just now figuring out why I'm here. "I don't know. All I know is they heard the heartbeat. She didn't tell me. She was too busy scheduling an abortion. Alyvia did...after we got in a fight because I accused her of cheating on me."
"I see. If they found the heartbeat she's at least six weeks. Is an abortion something you want?"
"At first I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure."
Marlin remains silent, letting the two of us talk this out. He's more or less here for moral support. "Tell me what you're thinking. I see how you are with Maggie. Why wouldn't you want your own baby? Do you not want a family? Does Piper want to keep it or is the abortion because she doesn't?"
I remove my hands from my pockets and lay my forearms on the table. I run one hand through my hair. "I think I want it. I mean…I want it because it's part of her, but I was fucking beaten to hell and back from the time I was seven to eighteen. I lived with a piece of shit scumbag that cared nothing about me. He was an addict. That's what he cared about. I'm what he was stuck with after Mom ran out. He hated me, and he showed me every day. You know I killed him. Whether it was defense or not I didn't stop until it was done. Until Piper came along I've lived under a constant cloud of darkness. I brought her into that world. I've always believed that a person chose to be good or bad, light or dark, sinner or saint, evil or moral. No matter what you have to choose one or the other. The two can't coincide. The day I took his last breath I chose bad, dark, sinner, and evil. Piper loved me at the risk of becoming like me. A baby requires good, light, moral, and sainthood as example. I'm none of those things. What if I become like him? What if I see that sorry bastard when I look at my child? I come from his DNA. What if I hurt my child? What if I make her resent me if I do? I could never forgive myself. Piper is my family. Whatever she wants I want. I have no fucking idea if she's only doing this for me like Alyvia said or if she doesn't want a baby with me, because it wasn't important enough for her to talk it out with me...and probably for good reason if I accused her of running around on me after being gone without me knowing where she was for one damn day. As fucked up as I am I probably would have accused her of doing it on purpose."
Just thinking of earlier makes me feel like a failure as a husband. I run my hand over my face as the stress starts to climb higher. I look back at them and Kaitlyn is looking at Marlin before she looks back at me. "Haddox, I'm going to tell you a story. I've never told you before, because I don't tell people. Like you, I started out with a bad life, but then it got better, so instead of telling people all of the bad, I let the outflow come of the good."
She takes a sip of her coffee and continues. "I wasn't raised by my biological parents. I was adopted. Those two are who I think of as my parents. My real parents were junkies. We lived in this dump of a house with no water or electricity. Neither could hold jobs and food wasn't regular from what my adoptive parents have told me. I was Maggie's age when I was picked up by social services and taken into custody. My biological parents never even tried to fight the system to get me back. They never tried to straighten their act up. The last I heard one died of an overdose and the other ended up with HIV from dirty needle use."
What the hell? "Why have you never told me this, even with all of the things you know about me?"
"Because, Haddox, they were just the people that gave birth to me and had me for a little while. Each person has a story broken down into three parts: the beginning, middle, and end. Just because one is bad, doesn't mean they all have to be. You're wrong about something. Everyone has darkness and light in them, Haddox. The secret to a happy life is to keep the two balanced. The two can coincide. Your problem is that you let the barrier between the two break a long time ago and never cared enough to fix it. You're a fighter, but you haven't been fighting for the most important thing: symmetry. Being a good dad isn't about where you come from, but about changing the things you don't like and moving forward. It's about love. You love Piper, so it will come naturally to love your child, because it's a part of the two of you. Its creation is a result of the love you two have for each other. It's easier to hold onto the bad and squander the good, but I bet if you looked deep enough in your memory bank, you would remember something good from your childhood. Let your fear of becoming him drive you to be completely different. That's how you defeat him, not by running away. I know it's a lot to think about with your background, but time is running out. This is one of those decisions you can't change after you've had time to think. You want a fighter motto to live by? Fight for love, fight for light, fight for her, or end in flight. What that means is fight to have it all or don't have any of it. A family is an all or nothing thing. You can't ride the fence. What's it going to be?"
&nb
sp; I know she's right. I just don't know how Piper will react after the way I acted. I was an asshole. I have no idea what to say to her. I think I need to get some sleep and start over first thing in the morning. I'm going to go home and tell her how sorry I am, beg her to forgive me, and show her we will work through this together. I don't want her to feel like she has to hide things from me. I'm supposed to help her through things. She shouldn't have to go through this by herself.
I push the chair back and stand. "I think I'm going to call it a night on the couch. I need to get up early and talk to Piper. We can work this shit out...as a couple. It pisses me off that I didn't show her she could come to me about anything. I really appreciate you telling me, Kaitlyn. If I'm gone when you wake up I'll call you later with an update. Goodnight guys."
I walk to the couch and sit on the edge, removing my shoes. One of Maggie's princess pillows is already laid out and a matching blanket from when Maggie was watching television. Oh well, a little pink never hurt anyone. I lie down on the fluffy pillow and pull the blanket over me. I'm exhausted. I just want a do-over on this day. I can barely even hold my eyes open.
"Haddox," she whispers. "Wake up my sweet boy. I need to talk to you."
I open my eyes, but they don't open far. My room is dark but I can see Mommy sitting on my bed. "What's the matter, Mommy? Is it morning?"
"No, baby. Mommy needs to tell you something, but be very quiet, okay?" I nod as big as I can so I won't talk. She sniffles like she's been crying. "Mommy has to leave, Haddox. I can't stay here. Daddy hurts Mommy."
I sit up quietly. "Do you want me to pack my bag?" I whisper so only Mommy can hear me.
"No, sweet boy. Mommy can't take you with me. I wish I could." She wipes her face and sniffles again. I don't understand. "I need you to listen to me. I need you to remember. Can you remember something for Mommy?" I nod again, scared. I've never seen Mommy cry. I don't like seeing her cry. It makes me sad. It makes me mad at Daddy. "I have to leave you here to protect you. If I take you it will make Daddy very mad." She looks at the door and back at me. "Haddox, I love you. I love you so much my beautiful, precious boy. Don't you ever forget that. One day I will come back for you. I don't know when, but I promise on my life I will come back for you. I'm doing this, because I love you. None of this is your fault. Do you hear me?"
"Yes, ma'am. Where are you going?"
"I don't know yet. I need to tell you one more thing and then I want you to go back to sleep. Never tell Daddy I talked to you. He will probably tell you lots of things about Mommy, but they aren’t true. I love you. I need you to be extra good for him, okay? If you're good he won't hurt you. Just be good until Mommy can come back and get you. I need you to remember that you were wanted. I am leaving Daddy. I'm not leaving you. I stayed as long as I did because of you. I would do anything for you. You are my everything, Haddox. I love you."
She hugs me as tight as she can and places her hands on my tiny cheeks. "God, please don't make me do this. Please don't make me leave him in this. I will never forgive myself for this." Something crashes against the wall and she flinches. "I have to go, sweet boy." She kisses my lips, leaving some of her tears behind. "Remember that you are loved. You will always be loved, no matter where I am."
She stands and grabs a bag from the floor, leaving me in the dark room, scared, and alone. I want my mommy. I don't want to stay with Daddy anymore. I just want my mommy. "I love you too, Mommy," I whisper, but it's too late. She's already gone...and she doesn't even know I love her back...
I sit up in a sweat, gasping for air. I look around, confused at where I am. Marlin's. I remember her. I forgot, but now I remember. Shit, I didn't remember all of these years. It must have been everything Kaitlyn said. Piper. The baby.
I jump up and grab my shoes, sliding them on as I rush to the front door. I run outside and start patting my pockets, making sure my wallet is still back there. I look down at my watch. "Fuck!" I slept way longer than I should have and I still have to catch the ferry back. I need to get there on time. Please God, let me make it. I'm starting to panic. I take off in a full out run. I don't care if I have to run to my house and grab my truck or bike I'll do it. I have to make it. I just have to...
I sit on the couch to wait for Alyvia to pick me up. She agreed to stay with me until this is done. I've barely slept. My conscious is screaming at me not to do this, but it's my only option. It's something that I agreed to do and I'm going to follow through. I haven't met this baby. I can't live without Haddox. I haven't even seen him since he stormed out last night. I probably should have given him a better explanation, but I had already been emotional all day. When he accused me of cheating on him I was hurt and that triggered a reaction. I can't believe he would even think I would do something like that to him. I don't want anyone else.
This is what's best for everyone. I know it is. I'm doing this for Haddox. I just need to keep telling myself that. My mother doesn't love me and Haddox's father clearly didn't love him to treat him the way he did all his life. I refuse to bring another baby in the world that has to feel unloved. It's not right. No one should have to feel like they aren't valuable enough to have a parent's love.
I feel nauseous. Crackers have become my best friend. It's all I can hold down. I had a dream last night. It was more of a nightmare really, because it was beautiful and it's something I'll never have. I'm content with it being just Haddox and I. It's just this whole baby thing. It's throwing off everything. It's making me think of what it would look like, what it would act like, what it would sound like. It's a part of us both. I love him. I never thought I wanted kids until I experienced a love this amazing. Now...I'm not so sure what I want.
In my dream it was just the three of us, floating around in the pool of his house in Rhode Island. I liked it there. It was a boy, still a baby, being introduced to the water for the first time. I was holding him, bouncing up and down, and letting the water splash on his chest. Haddox was in front of us playing with him. He was beautiful. He looked like Haddox with darker skin and brown eyes, same blonde hair.
My eyes fill for the thousandth time. I haven't tried to stop them the past hundred. I just need closure. Then I'll be able to put this behind me. I place my hand on my abdomen without even noticing. Something so small can wreak so much havoc.
A knock sounds at the door. I stand and make my way over, shutting off everything along the way. I grab my purse and open the door to Alyvia on the other side. "Are we still doing this?"
"Nothing has changed."
"Where is Haddox?"
"I don't know," I say honestly. "We had a fight last night and he left. I haven't heard from him since. It's probably better this way. He won't suspect anything."
She starts to look nervous. "Are you sure you don't want to call him first?"
"I'm sure. Let's just get this over with, okay?"
She nods and I walk outside, slamming the door shut behind me. This has been drawn out too long already.
***
"Lay back and place your feet in the stirrups." The doctor takes his seat in front of the table, preparing for the procedure. This process is slow, making it that much worse. I do as instructed, baring my bottom half for the doctor. My heart is pounding in my chest. Guilt is consuming my mind, heart, and soul. "Is there any doubt that you want to back out? This is the last time you'll have the option. Once the procedure starts we can't stop until everything is completely removed to avoid infection."
"I'm sure. This baby wasn't planned, nor is it wanted." I lie. I want it, but no one else does. He spreads my legs further apart under the sheet and the nurse moves his tools closer. I'm trying not to look. Out of sight, out of mind.
The door swings open. "Sir, you can't go in there without patient and doctor consent."
"Fucking back off...before I make you. Don't tell me I can't go in there. My damn wife is your patient." Haddox. The tears start to stream all over again. He came...but why? How did he know I was here?
I
sit up as he runs in the room out of breath, leaning over trying to calm himself down. "Stop. Fucking stop. Shit, just stop."
"Haddox, what are you doing here?"
He stands upright, his chest still heaving up and down. "Doctor, we won't be needing your services. The baby is staying in its incubator for a while."
He knows... Thank you, God. The dam breaks inside. I'm crying so hard I can't breathe. The doctor stands and makes his way to the door. "I'll give you two some space. Let the nurse know when you're ready."
He shuts the door and Haddox pulls my legs to hang over the side of the table, placing his body between them. He grabs my face in his hands, kissing my lips. I can't stop crying. I can't speak. I can barely even breathe enough to keep my heart beating. "I've never been so fucking scared in my life. I thought I was going to be too late. I want it, Piper. It may have taken me a while to figure it out, it usually does, but this is my chance to change the pattern. It's part of us. I can't physically live with myself if we kill our baby. I may be a shitty dad. Fuck, I'll probably be a horrible one, but I'm willing to learn. We will not be like our parents. This baby will know that we give a shit."
He places his hands on my hips and starts rubbing his thumbs up and down. "How did you find out?"
"I went to Alyvia's last night in a rage. She didn't want to, but she told me. I'm so sorry I accused you of stepping out on me. I had a shitty day at the studio and then when I got home you were gone, but you had not told me you were going anywhere. When I called your phone and it went to voicemail I just started having bad thoughts. It messed with my head. Alyvia set me straight, I panicked, and then she told me what you were trying to do. I didn't know what to do, so I went to Marlin and Kaitlyn's. Maggie helped the most actually, but they helped me to realize I don't have to be a shitty father just because my dad was."
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