Wanted

by ML Ross

  “No regrets. But please be careful Vanessa and you better bring this boy home to meet your mother!”

  “I will Mom! Love you!”

  I dance out the door to my brand new shiny red bug. I throw my backpack on the passenger seat and dig my phone out of my purse. I set it on the seat in reaching distance and head to Gunnison.

  It’s a sunny day. The snow is out of reach in the mountain peaks. I have my usual skinny jeans, tank top and hoodie on. My hair is much longer now and almost blonde again. I roll the windows down and let the spring breeze blow through my waves. I turn the music up and dance in my seat as I wind back through the familiar mountain roads. My phone buzzes in the seat next to me and I glance at it quickly seeing James smiling at me again. I don’t answer. I’m going to have to tell him my answer. I’m sure now that even if things don’t work out with Ryan that I can’t marry James. The something I was looking for I finally found and I don’t think I can settle for anything less at this point.

  The drive to Gunnison only takes me two hours. I guess I’m pretty excited. My plan is to just confront Kim, so I drive straight to Perky’s. It’s still pretty early in the morning but its Saturday so most of the kids are probably sleeping in. The place is practically deserted when I walk in. The bell rings over my head and that same gangly kid walks up to the counter. I look at my watch and it is after 7am so I expect Kim to be here already. I glance around but I don’t see anyone else working.

  “Hey, is Kim working today?”

  “Uh, Vanessa, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “No, she took the day off today.”

  “Oh. Shit. I just drove two hours to see her. Do you know where I can find her?”

  “Um, yeah. She’s staying at Ryan’s.”

  “Oh.” My heart skips a beat. “Do you have his address?”

  “He lives in a studio apartment in the Mountainview building on Main. She can walk there from here. It’s just a couple blocks down.” He says pointing west.

  “Thanks!”

  I run to my car and drive the two blocks. It isn’t hard to find. My heart starts beating fast and my body warms up to an uncomfortable temperature. I’m so anxious, I feel like I could vomit. The fact that Kim is staying with Ryan makes me wonder if his message might have been to tell me that they are together. That he loves her. To end things with me. Either way, this is it. I’m here and I need to know. I can’t go back and try to plan my future without closure.

  As I walk towards the building, I notice the group of mailboxes just outside the main door. As luck would have it, there are last names and Jenson is 310. I proceed into the building and decide to take the stairs to the third floor to prolong the answers I’m afraid to receive. It’s been several weeks since I’ve seen him and my body hums at the thought of seeing his body again. I reach the door of 310 and take a deep breath. Shit. I knock lightly three times. Maybe he isn’t home. Maybe he took Kim on a romantic weekend getaway. Then I hear feet hitting the floor towards the door and the door squeaks open.

  Kim peaks her head around the door and her eyes widen in shock. My eyes drift from the surprised look on her face down towards the men’s Western shirt she’s wearing that reaches just above her knees and down to her naked legs she’s hiding behind the door. Then I hear a deep voice from behind her.

  “Kim? Who is it?”

  Oh my God. I can’t see his post-sex afterglow. It will kill me. I turn and start running towards the stairs. I’m so fucking stupid. What the hell was I thinking? He said to call him. Not, I love you Ness. I miss you Ness. Come to Gunnison and surprise me Ness. He wanted to end it. He wanted to tell me about Kim. Fuck! All the anxiety I was trying to control practically pushes me to my knees. I just want to curl into myself and sob but I have to get out of here. I can’t let them see me like this. I urge my legs to carry me down the stairs.

  “Vanessa! Stop!”

  I hear Kim desperately calling after me but I can’t face them. I don’t need an explanation. I get it. Loud and clear.

  “Vanessa, please stop. He loves you! Please come back, we need to talk.”

  I slow my pace as my tears start to cloud my vision. I collapse in the stairwell somewhere between the second and first floor, sitting on the step with my head in my lap and my arms wrapped around me head. I lose it. All the emotions from the last several weeks come flooding out of me. My body is trembling and I can’t stop my desperate cries. It hurts. Everything hurts. I hear her sit on the step next to me and I peak at her from underneath my arm. I see her naked knees and I immediately picture his hands on them.

  “Vanessa. Nothing happened with me and Ryan. He loves you.” She says in a soft voice. I feel her hand on my back and I lift my head, wiping my eyes.

  “I don’t understand.”

  “The day you left, he told me he loved you. I think he felt guilty about what happened to me and felt he owed it to me to be with me. He doesn’t love me though, not like that. I told him to go after you. I want him to be happy. He’s been Facebook stalking you. Nothing has happened between us Vanessa.”

  “But, what….?” I look at her knees again.

  “Oh God. I know how it looks. It’s not what you think, I swear. It’s not even Ryan in there. He’s not home. Landon and I are staying at his place for the weekend. Landon doesn’t have an Xbox.” She smiles awkwardly.

  “Landon?”

  “Yeah. We weren’t, you know….” She looks down and pulls the t-shirt over her legs. “He’s been good to me. I have nightmares and he stays with me. Ryan offered to let us stay at his place since he’s gone for the weekend. He’ll be back in the morning. Vanessa, he loves you and I can’t even tell you how happy he’s going to be when he sees you.”

  “Really?”

  “Really. Can we go back inside?” She points to her lack of clothes.

  “Yeah.”

  I follow Kim back to the apartment and I immediately see Landon leaning against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed in front of him and a concerned look on his face.

  “Hi.” I say to him shyly.

  “Hey Vanessa. Listen, I’m sorry for getting involved. I had no idea what happened between you and Ryan and I just didn’t want Kim to get hurt. I should have kept my mouth shut. I told Ryan about what I said to you. About how I told you to stay out of it and that they needed each other. I was wrong.”

  Kim walks over to Landon and he wraps his arms around her as she looks up at him sweetly.

  “I didn’t want Ryan to be forced to be with me out of guilt. He deserves to be happy and so do I. I can’t give him what he needs. You can. He needs you. He told me he can only give me friendship and I’ll take it. I hope you know that’s all it is between us. Friendship. I don’t stay here anymore. I haven’t since that first night home.” Kim pleads with me to believe her.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you’ll stay. He’ll be here in the morning. We’ll get out of your hair.” She looks at Landon for confirmation and he nods in agreement.

  Landon and Kim hung around for a little. They battled it out on Modern Warfare for several hours. They try to teach me how to play but my mind is elsewhere. I enjoy watching though, it’s a good distraction. Landon offers to pick up pizza for dinner. After the door shuts behind him, my nosiness gets the best of me.

  “Landon is sweet.” I say hoping she’ll feed my curiosity.

  “Yeah.” She says shyly. Fiddling with her shirt. “He’s been great. I’ve been staying at his place. I have terrible nightmares and he’s been there for me. He took me to a Doctor to get something to help with my anxiety and help me sleep better. Some nights are better than others. We’ve kissed but that’s all. I’m not ready for anything else and he knows it. He’s been super patient. One night we got a little intimate. Our hands wandered. He touched me between my legs and it triggered a horrible memory and I freaked the fuck out. He totally calmed me down and he apologized. He didn’t push anything after that but he did suggest co
unseling. He found a place for me and we go together twice a week. They talk to us about my issues with intimacy and give us suggestions. It’s getting better.”

  She looks embarrassed to talk about it but she also seems relieved to have someone to talk about this with. “I have nightmares too. They happen randomly. I’m glad you’re going to counseling and finding support. Do you still talk to Kayla?” I wonder if she has her girlfriends for support.

  “No.” She says a little angrily. “She doesn’t really reach out to me. At all. I think she is uncomfortable around me. I can’t even really go back to my dorm because my roommate always has some strange guy there and she doesn’t care that I’m uneasy with it. Thankfully Landon has been here for me. Ryan is too. It’s just a little different with Landon.”

  “Do you think you love him?”

  “You know. I have issues. Daddy issues. Mommy issues. I thought I loved Ryan but I think it was just a fear of being alone. He was all I had. I need to pull my shit together. I have to take care of my issues before I can answer that honestly. I feel like the counseling is going to help me do that.”

  “Kim, I’m here for you too. I know what you’re going through. It helps me to talk about it too.”

  “Thanks Vanessa.” She gives me a sweet hug.

  Landon arrives with the pizza and I can’t help but watch him with Kim. He is so gentle and attentive. I’m so glad she has him. After we finish eating and we clean up, Kim and Landon decide to leave and give me space. They can tell I’m distracted and need time with my thoughts.

  Left alone in Ryan’s apartment, I glance around at the space that is him. It’s a typical bachelor pad. Video games scattered everywhere. Nothing in the refrigerator. The bed is unmade. Looks like Landon and Kim slept on the pull-out couch where I see a pile of blankets and pillows next to it. There are no photos or anything adorning the walls. No curtains covering the large glass wall. It smells like him. No more old spice but just the scent of Ryan. Woodsy and masculine. As I walk around the small apartment, I notice a manila envelope from a Title company on the counter. I am not going to snoop. I force myself not to go through his things even though I desperately want to go through his closet and dresser drawers. I wonder if he has handcuffs here. I start to feel my heart rate increase at the thought.

  It’s after midnight when I decide I need to lay down and get some sleep or I’ll be a mess in the morning when he comes home.

  I strip down to my tank and underwear and lay on Ryan’s bed sheets imagining what his reaction will be when he sees me. Will he just take me right then? Will he take me rough? Slow? Ryan’s smell and the touch of his sheets are making me heady. The visions of him taking me are making my panties wet and I almost touch myself to relieve some of the ache but I want Ryan here to see how badly I miss him and need him. I shake the visions from my head and try to relax my body until I eventually drift off.

  I wake on and off through the night. It’s a strange place and I’m feeling anxious. I’m excited and scared all at the same time.

  I faintly here the door open and close and keys hit the counter top. It takes me a moment to remember where I am. I slowly lift my head when I hear confusion in his voice.

  “Kim?”

  Trying to untangle myself from the sheets, I turn towards his voice and he stills in the middle of the room. Our eyes lock and I can’t tell what the expression on his face means. It’s a mixture of shock, disbelief, relief and uncertainty?

  “Vanessa? How did you….” His eyebrows bunch on his forehead in confusion.

  “Kim was here…..”

  Concern takes over his face. “Vanessa, we aren’t together. Kim and I. I thought you were her when I came in because she stayed here while I was gone….with Landon….” He rambles.

  “I know. We talked. She told me everything.” I sit up as he walks over and sits on the edge of the bed next to me.

  “I tried to find you. I’m friends with 6 Vanessa Cartwrights on Facebook. Then I found Ness with a new red bug as her profile picture. I’ve never been so fucking happy to see that car again. I was waiting for your call.”

  “I wanted to see you.”

  “I’m so glad you’re here.” His eyes roam all over my body like he can’t believe I’m real.

  “I’m sorry Ness. I’m sorry I let you walk away. You needed me and I needed you. I just….after I saw Kim, I just couldn’t leave her alone. I couldn’t work out in my head how it would all work. I just didn’t think. I watched you walk away and my heart just broke. But it was too late. You were gone.”

  “I’m here now.” There’s an awkward silence between us as I sit there in my underwear. “Well? Did you miss me or what? Please put your hands on me Ryan Jenson.”

  He stands up undressing in a matter of seconds and then jumps on the bed straddling my legs. He pulls my underwear down my legs while I pull my tank top over my head. Gazing intensely at my bare body, he whispers “You’re so beautiful. I missed the fuck out of you Ness.”

  “I missed you too. I’ve been fantasizing about you. It was hard lying in your bed with your smell surrounding me. I was so wet last night and I ached for your touch so bad.”

  “I gotcha baby.” He leans over me opening the dresser drawer, frantically swiping through it. “Son of a bitch, I don’t have any.”

  “I do, in my purse.” I point to it on the counter. “Inside pocket I think!”

  I watch him rummage through the pocket of my purse and then his face turns ice cold. The warmth in his cheeks is gone and replaced with paleness.

  “What’s wrong Ryan?” I sit up quickly and immediately notice the sparkle reflecting on his face.

  “What the fuck Ness?!” He yells.

  Shit. He wasn’t supposed to see that.

  “I was never going to say yes Ryan. That’s why it’s in my purse. I took it off immediately. It was never an option for me.”

  “Was this visit like a test? If I didn’t measure up, were you going to marry this guy?”

  “No Ryan. I swear. It’s not like that. I promise. The answer was and will always be no.”

  “Does he know your answer is no?”

  “Not yet.” I say quietly. “But I am. I will. I swear.”

  “Wait, were you with him?”

  “No! Never. I saw him once, just to talk and he surprised me with the ring.”

  “Call him today, Ness. Today. You’re mine.”

  He sets the ring on the counter, pulls the condom over himself and stalks over to the bed pushing me down to my back. I love this Ryan. Possessive Ryan. The fierce look on his face sets my body on fire. I’m so hot for him. I spread my legs as he climbs over me scooping under my knees with his arms until he tilts my pelvis up holding my knees high above me. Kneeling between my legs he pulls me towards him until I can feel his cock searching for my entrance. I reach down and grab hold of him and stroke him a few times before I pull him into me. Holding my legs in a tight grip, he slams into me hard and fast. I reach my arms up above me head and feel for the headboard. Each time he thrusts forward, I push against the headboard so he goes even deeper. His movements are commanding and controlled. The sounds of our heavy breathing and our bodies slapping together heighten all the other sensations flowing through my body that are slowly building my orgasm.

  “You’re mine Ness. I’m not letting you go again.” His eyes are intensely fixed on mine.

  “I’m not leaving you again Ryan, ever.” I promise in between breaths.

  His eyes leave mine and I follow them as he looks down at our joined bodies, watching his cock get sucked into my body with my clenching muscles. His lips part slightly and he starts to pant as he slows his motions, enthralled with watching our bodies connecting. He lets go of one of my knees so I raise my leg and rest it on his shoulder. As he continues to slowly push in and out of me, he takes his finger tip and toys with the tip of my swollen clit. Just the slightest touch causes my body to buck and a loud moan to fill the silent space in the room.

 
“Does that feel good, Ness?”

  “Yes!” I scream.

  He continues to barely rub at it, watching my body react as he plays. He picks up his pace both with his thrusts and his finger. I toss my head back and grab hold of the sheets, arching my back, preparing my body to explode. I’m overwhelmed with the intensity of my pending orgasm. I move my hips trying to get more of him, desperate for a release.

  “Ryan! Oh God, I’m so close. Make me come.”

  He reaches out and pinches my nipple hard and then pulls it taut. A sharp pain shoots down through my belly and travels down between my legs. He watches me closely, waiting for that exact moment he knows everything will come together like the grand finale of fireworks. Just as the pain radiates between my legs, he presses on my clit and pounds into me hard as both the pain and pleasure come together. My body convulses as I feel him swell inside me causing my pussy to hold tight to him. He grunts loudly digging his fingers into my leg as he comes.

  ”Ryan!” I scream. “Oh God. I need something. Please!” As my body shudders and I continue to writhe, I feel desperate for something more to take me over the edge. I feel him pull out of me and remove the condom and then he pushes me over so I’m lying on my side. My legs are limp like noodles. He quickly lies behind me, pressing up against my back, one arm wrapped around my tummy. His cock is already erect again. He rubs his length up and down my drenched pussy, lubricating himself and then drags it up and pushes the tip slightly into my ass.

  “Ryan! Oh God, Oh God!”

  “I gotcha. Just tell me to stop if I go too far okay?”

  I nod my head frantically and push my ass into him, feeling his thickness stretch me. He presses his hand on my tummy holding me to him as I push. “Ahhhhhh…..” It hurts. My eyes start to water. I almost stop because the pain is too much but then I wait until I adjust a bit and try to move again. He lets me control how far I can take him in so I move forward, feeling him sliding out of me until I feel the tip and then push back again. I know he’s nowhere near all the way in but it’s all I can take.