Blush

by Lauren Jameson

  “Damn straight it’s my business.” The feelings that swam rapidly to the surface were mottled, mixed, but manifested in anger. “And I can’t run away from my family when none of them are left!”

  Silence was thick as soup. Maddy realized what she’d said and hastily backtracked.

  “Nathan . . . I didn’t . . . I mean . . .” Oh, what a fuckup she was. She’d just said the worst thing she possibly could have to the one person who was, for all intents and purposes, all the family that she had left.

  “Yeah, well, I guess that would be what they call a Freudian slip.” Gone was the teddy bear; in his place was a man with all the bitterness that Maddy had thought she wanted to hear.

  She’d been wrong.

  “Erin was the one who died in that car accident, Maddy, but for all the effort you’re putting into life, it might as well have been you.”

  • • •

  It took her nearly a full day to work up the nerve to do what she knew she needed to.

  I CAN’T DO IT. I’M SORRY.

  Biting down on her lip, Maddy hesitated before hitting send on the message to Alex. When she finally did, she felt as though she had been punched in the gut.

  THAT’S IT? EXPLAIN, PLEASE.

  Feeling sick, Maddy scrolled to her contact list and very deliberately deleted Alex from it, then dropped the phone in her small locker. The staff room in the back of the diner was freezing, or maybe it was just her, so she pulled the black cardigan that she kept at work over her shoulders before heading out to start her shift.

  “Hey, Maddy.” Susannah looked eager to be going. “It’s been slow. I bet you’ll have a quiet night.”

  Damn it. Maddy wanted to be run off her feet. She wanted to be distracted.

  Instead she found herself rolling flatware into napkins, berating herself for pursuing anything with Alex, for the accident, for life in general.

  “Get a grip!” she chided herself as she dropped yet another set of flatware. It clattered to the floor, and she glared at it.

  She couldn’t help it. She was so damn mad . . . mad at everything.

  She had spent the previous afternoon and evening in a state of numbness that was unfortunately all too familiar to her. Talking to Nathan had that effect on her.

  No matter what he said, what he did, she couldn’t face the thought of being around him. The phone calls were bad enough.

  The car wreck that had killed her sister had been unavoidable, so said the emergency responders. Unavoidable, however, didn’t mean no fault, and Maddy had been driving.

  More than that, she had walked away with a few cuts and bruises.

  Erin hadn’t walked away at all.

  Maddy had learned to simply hide the guilt from most people, even from Dr. Gill, whose primary job was just to help her function from day to day. But she held her guilt tightly to her, knowing that she deserved every agonizing minute of it.

  That was why she’d reneged on her date with Alex. She might have been drawn to the punishment aspect of what he offered her, but she didn’t deserve to find satisfaction even in that.

  With a shaky sigh, Maddy loaded a rubber bin with the rolls of cutlery. She knew that Alex, the man used to getting everything he wanted, was not going to be impressed with her. In fact, it was a good thing that she’d left her cell phone in her locker, because she imagined that he was texting and calling, demanding an explanation.

  He made her so weak in the knees, she wasn’t sure that she could ignore him for very long. More than that, she thought—no, she knew—that she wasn’t going to be able to stay strong in the face of his arguments.

  “He wouldn’t understand,” Maddy mumbled as she reminded herself of why she was cutting him off. He couldn’t possibly understand the demons that she held inside of her, and what was more, she had no desire to share them. They were her burden, no one else’s.

  “Are you answering yourself, too? If you are, we’re in trouble.”

  Maddy felt the warmth of a large hand on her shoulder and looked up to find Joe standing next to her, his eyes crinkled with concern.

  She laughed weakly, turning away so that he wouldn’t see the despair that she knew was painted over her features. “Not out loud, I’m not, so that’s something.” She hefted the tub of silverware to the back counter, where it was kept once it had been filled.

  When she turned back, she saw something that she didn’t quite recognize in Joe’s eyes.

  “That rich guy you’ve been seeing . . . he hasn’t done anything to you, has he?” Joe glared, looking like he wanted nothing more than to punch Alex in the jaw.

  “God, no.” Maddy barked out a laugh. Probably not wise to punch a man who owned an entire roomful of instruments of possible pleasure, possible torture. “No, he . . . we’re not . . . hmm.”

  There wasn’t any way to phrase it without making Joe angry and indignant on her behalf. What could she say, after all? No, he hasn’t done anything to me, except make me realize how much I do like sex—sex with him, anyway. And after he made me come more times in one evening than I have in years, he showed me his dungeon and told me that he wants me to be his love slave.

  Maddy’s boss was a mild-mannered kind of guy most of the time, but she was pretty sure that he wouldn’t care to hear any of that. No, he wouldn’t like that at all.

  “You’re not seeing him?” Joe’s voice grew warmer, and he took a step toward her. Uh-oh. Warily, she eyed the hand that reached out to touch her shoulder. She thought he meant it to be a comforting touch, but had her confession changed things a bit in his mind?

  Though she wasn’t usually the kind of woman men were interested in, Maddy would have to have been blind to miss the signals that were suddenly emanating from her boss’s body.

  For a long moment, she wished, wished hard, that she could have been interested in Joe. It would have been so much simpler. Joe was so blessedly normal. With him, maybe, she could learn to live with what she felt about herself.

  Then Alex’s face swam before her eyes, and she knew that it wasn’t even a little bit possible.

  “Joe . . . I’m not really seeing anyone right now. Deliberately,” Maddy added as the interest in Joe’s green eyes intensified.

  “I see.” The hand on her shoulder squeezed after a long hesitation, and then he let go. “Well. I’m going to head back to the kitchen.”

  She thought he was a bit embarrassed about the blatant interest that he’d just showed in her, and she forced her lips to curve up into a reassuring smile. “Okay. It’s so slow. It’s going to be a long night, so come out and chat when you can.”

  The relief on his face was obvious. They would both just forget that that moment had ever happened. And maybe some pleasant company from a man whom she genuinely liked, one who didn’t confuse her with every breath that he took, would help her sort through so many jumbled feelings that she didn’t know how much longer she could hold them in.

  • • •

  “Tell them they can have a burger from the grill before I clean it, if they want, but everything else is put away!” Joe shouted this at Maddy from the kitchen, where he was closing up for the night, right after the bell over the glass door at the front of the diner jingled, announcing the entry of a new customer, five minutes to closing.

  Frustration washed over her. She hated it when people did this. Their hours were clearly marked outside the diner—in neon, no less. Just because their doors were unlocked at five to midnight didn’t mean that it was a great time to come on in and order a meal.

  The customer was not always right, but Maddy pasted a smile on her face anyway, turning toward the noise.

  “Alex.” Surreptitiously, she pinched herself. Ouch. Yes, she was awake, and Alex Fraser, the billionaire who would not be deterred, was in the tiny diner where she worked, yet again.

  “Madeline.” His voice was frosty, and goose bumps skittered along her skin. He wasn’t happy with her, understandably so. But . . . why was he here, then?

 
; The word discipline flashed through her mind, and heat pooled low in her belly. As if he could sense it, the corners of Alex’s lips lifted in the palest ghost of a smile.

  “What are you doing here?” Nervously, Maddy ran a hand over her hair. It had gone frizzy from the heat of the kitchen. She was suddenly painfully aware that she must reek of French fry grease and that she’d spilled cola down the front of her apron.

  Alex studied her so intently that she felt naked, which didn’t help the clenching sensation between her legs.

  “I’ve told you. I’m going to give you what you need. I’m only starting to learn what that is, but I do know that exploring yourself sexually is the key to relaxing you enough for me to find out.”

  “I don’t see how you can know what I need when I don’t even know myself!” Maddy’s eyes widened as she realized what she’d said. Smiling as if she had pleased him greatly, Alex stepped forward, and the scent of his expensive cologne teased her nostrils and made her want to nibble on his earlobe.

  “Well, there it is in a nutshell, Maddy. You need me because I will know what you need even when you don’t.”

  She opened her mouth, then closed it again without speaking. What would she have said?

  It would have been pointless to deny that Alex saw everything about her with uncanny clarity.

  “Maddy?” She groaned out loud as Joe called out from the kitchen. “Everything all right?” Before she could reply, he was walking out from behind the counter.

  When he saw Alex standing just inside the door to the diner, he came to stand directly behind her, planted his feet, crossed his arms over his chest, and scowled.

  “What is he doing here?” Joe didn’t hide behind even the pretense of friendliness. The belligerence in his stance told Maddy that he couldn’t have cared less about being polite. He placed a possessive hand on her shoulder.

  Maddy wanted to shrug it off, but she didn’t want to make light of the fact that he was trying to protect her. “Joe!” She felt her cheeks flush at his overt rudeness. Why was he being so rude? He was her boss. He was a friend.

  She thought of their conversation earlier in the evening.

  Oh man.

  Maddy looked at Alex, trying to gauge his reaction. On the surface, he seemed amused, but his jaw was clenched. He didn’t like seeing Joe’s hand on her.

  “I would like to speak with you, Maddy. Alone. It’s why I’ve come here.” Alex raised his eyebrows contemptuously at Joe. This was only the second time the pair had ever met, but clearly it was hate at first sight.

  “She’s not done work yet.”

  Irritated, Maddy finally did shrug Joe’s hand away and turned to frown at him. “Joe, I’m fine.”

  He looked as though she had struck him.

  A wash of guilt flowed over her, but it quickly evaporated in the face of her irritation. There was nothing between them but friendship. There never had been. If he wanted that to change, there were better ways than by entering into a pissing contest in front of her.

  “I thought you said you weren’t seeing him.”

  Though it didn’t seem possible, Maddy flushed even hotter, sneaking a glance at Alex on her way to looking at the floor. His face was expressionless. Somehow, not knowing what he was thinking made the situation worse.

  “Joe, I’ve done everything up front except for the cash-out. May I go?” Maddy looked him straight in the eye as she spoke in a quiet voice.

  His face registered disbelief. “Do what you want, Maddy,” Joe finally answered after a long pause.

  She could tell that he was disgusted, and it pissed her off. None of this was any of his business. She opened her mouth to tell him so, but she didn’t want to create more fuss in front of Alex. “Thank you.”

  Trying not to let her shock show that he was here again, wearing a suit that surely cost him thousands of dollars, standing in the small greasy-spoon diner, Maddy tried to ignore the kick start that just looking at him gave her. “Let me just go grab my bag.”

  He nodded, shoving his hands deep into the pockets of his trouser pants. “I’ll wait right here.” He scowled at Joe, who glared right back. The tension was so thick in the room that, despite the discomfort, she wanted to roll her eyes to the heavens.

  Only so much testosterone could fit in one room, and the diner appeared to have reached its limit.

  “Maybe you should wait in the car.” She threw this over her shoulder as she scurried to the staff room, untying her apron as she went. She didn’t trust the two of them alone together—she was afraid that if she took more than a few minutes to gather her belongings, they would go at each other like wolves fighting for dominance of the pack.

  Hastily, Maddy pulled her purse and cell phone from her locker. Taking a moment to quickly check her messages, she was surprised to see that Alex hadn’t texted her at all. From what she knew about him, that seemed strange, but she didn’t have time to ponder it now. She hurried back to the dining room, where Joe was wiping down a table that she’d already cleaned. He was polishing the Formica with such vigor that Maddy wouldn’t have been surprised to see a hole in the flat surface come morning.

  Alex was standing exactly where she’d left him, watching Joe with just the slightest hint of distrust on his face.

  “’Night, Joe.” Maddy offered a tight smile to her boss, even though she wasn’t sure he deserved one, after his behavior. He nodded once, curtly, then returned to his table.

  The smile slipped off her face. Fine. If he wanted to be like that, she would just leave him to it. Maddy looked at Alex quickly before pushing against the glass door of the diner, the bells tinkling merrily over her head.

  Although there was no need for explanation, Alex pointed to the sleek vehicle, saying, “This is my car.” Maddy didn’t know anyone else who would park a sleek black Porsche Turbo there. “Where would you like to go?”

  She eyed him warily. He seemed sincere. “I get to choose?” She’d thought he would have planned out the evening already.

  He smiled faintly, though now that they were away from Joe and the macho act had been dropped, Maddy could see that he looked tired. “This time. So. The casino or your apartment?”

  “My apartment.” She didn’t even have to consider. Her apartment was familiar. She was stronger there. Besides, he’d already seen that it was less than fabulous—there were no secrets.

  “All right.” Rounding the small car, he opened the passenger-side door, and after a belated moment, Maddy realized that he was holding it open for her.

  “I need to drive. I’ll take my own car.” Alex scowled, but Maddy returned the expression. She wasn’t budging.

  “What is it with you and driving?”

  “It’s safer.”

  This was true, but Alex’s face darkened. “You can trust me.”

  Though she didn’t know why, Maddy somehow believed that she could. She hadn’t known him long, but she’d always believed that the ticking of a clock wasn’t a good measure of how well you could know someone.

  Guilt was a little needle, pricking into the same soft skin over and over. “I think I can. But . . . I need to drive.”

  Before he could argue further, she unlocked the door to her own car, which was parked next to his phallic symbol on wheels. She grimaced when the hinges of her driver’s door squeaked.

  She turned her head to look at him before she turned over the ignition. Alex was still standing by his car, his arms crossed over his chest. But mixed in with his irritation was a hint of perplexity.

  Maddy was pretty sure he wasn’t used to anyone disagreeing with him.

  Before she could overthink the worry that niggled at her for upsetting him, she shifted her car into drive and pulled out of the small gravel lot. The chill that she’d had since Nathan’s phone call eased in the unexpectedly—even for Nevada—warm evening. As she drove the familiar route from the diner to her apartment, her mind wandered.

  Joe. Before today, she never would have guessed that he ha
d feelings of any sort for her. In fact, if he had let her know before she had ever met Alex, she might have reciprocated his interest—after a fashion, at least.

  With Alex following her from two cars back, it was hard for Maddy to imagine him out of the picture. And that brought up her real dilemma.

  He was a very persistent man and, truth was, he was wearing her down. She couldn’t keep protesting when what he was offering was what her very soul craved. If only she could discuss her one final hang-up.

  He had offered her punishment. For some reason, and Maddy assumed it had to do with her guilt over Erin’s death, she thrilled to this idea. This translated into sexual need, though she couldn’t fool herself into thinking that the punishment was all that was drawing her to Alex.

  She had been plenty attracted to him before she’d seen his dungeon.

  The flip side of the coin was . . . did she allow herself to accept this punishment, when it brought her pleasure at the same time?

  In her gut, she felt the need to do penance. Sex with Alex Fraser did not fit into even the loosest of definitions of the word. So if she pursued a relationship with Alex, she would have to admit to herself that she was doing it for herself, seeking what she wanted, for a change.

  Maddy’s dingy, one-floor apartment building came into view. Time was up. She could already sense Alex’s presence, invading her space, taking her attention as she parked and pressed damp palms to her jeans.

  This was it. Go for it or not.

  She had no idea what she was going to do.

  The dry heat stole her breath as she closed the driver’s door behind her. She watched Alex cross the lot toward her.

  He was dressed entirely in black, his suit fitting him so well that it had to have been made especially for him. The black of his hair seemed to swallow the shine of the moonlight, and when he drew closer, his eyes were as blue as the center of a flame and burned just as hot as he looked at her.